I'm back and its not a pretty story . . .

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kathy813, Jul 24, 2011.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello all,

    It's been quite a while but things have gotten really bad and I don't know where else to turn. A quick update . . . difficult child dropped out of her DBT program (never really got started) and decided to go back to school. Took out a FAFSA loan and Pell grants and used the money to live for a year and go to school. She stopped going to all of her classes both semesters so she is now owes a lot of money with nothing to show for it.

    She ended up being kicked out of where she was living and had no place to go so we allowed her to move back in "temporarily" until she figured out what to do next. She seemed to be doing really well . . . not drinking, only taking an antidepressant, and was pleasant to be around if not very motiviated. We kept pushing her to find a job and she applied to several hair salons. One very high-end salon told her that they wanted to hire her as an assistant stylist and provide extra training on her off days and work her into a full-time stylist position. They kept putting off her start day due to "slow business" but finally called last week and gave her a start date of August 15th with 35 hours a week at $7.50 the first month and then $8.00 an hour the second month with 20% commission on the clients that she worked on and hopefully moving more and more into full-time commission.

    All sounds great, right? Here's the bad part. We went away for 10 days for a trip to Hawaii. I had some serious misgivings about leaving her here alone (dogs went to easy child's apartment . . . didn't trust difficult child with my babies). difficult child had nowhere to go, though, and was doing so well that we decided to let her stay in the house.

    Big mistake! First she called (slurring her words) about someone breaking in the house and called back later to say the basement window was smashed and she called the police. She put the police officer on the phone and he confirmed that the basement window was broken but said he didn't see any footprints around the outside. Then difficult child got on the phone and I told her to leave immediately and go to easy child's or her boyfriend's house but she refused to leave. I know something was fishy about the whole story then but there was nothing I could do that far away.

    She called a couple other times slurring her words so I knew she was drinking. When we got home this morning, the house was a mess (not unexpected) and I could tell that she had been rifling through our drawers and closets. I immediately checked my bank account and found that she had written a check and forged my name for $73.00. She said it was for her medications but when I asked to see them she couldn't produce them (the check was written three days ago). There are two other checks missing that she says "she tore up and threw away at Walmart." So far, they haven't come through the bank.

    When we threatend to prosecute if she didn't leave immediately, she started tearing open samples of anti-anxiety medications that the psychiatrist gave her and mumbled something about "might as was well die." For those of you that remember my difficult child, this has long been a manipulative tactic of hers but we called 911 and they sent the police and a fire truck. difficult child managed to talk her way out of being taken away to the hospital. She had only taken three 5 mg pills when I grabbed them away so she told them that her psychiatrist had told her she could take up to 20 mgs at a time and the police and emergency workers said they couldn't force her to go since her vitals were good and she said that she hadn't said she was trying to hurt herself (a lie but then again typical for my difficult child).

    I told them about the stolen checks and the police office said it would be a felony and that we could wait and see if she used the others and then decide about prosecuting. They did note that she admitted writing the forged check.. Does anyone know if if would really be a felony?

    This is new even for difficult child. She has taken jewelry (which I never could prove but I know that she did it), small amounts of cash, and used our credit card without permission for gas but I never thought that she would go this far.

    Here's our dilemma. She has a shot at a really good job where she could support herself but needs help until the paychecks arrive so she can pay her own rent. As mad as I am, I wonder if we shouldn't keep helping her for the next month and then tell her she's on her own. Right now, she is at a extended stay hotel where husband paid for a week just to get her away from here so we could figure out what to do next. We are both seriously jet-lagged and don't know if we are thinking straight.

    On one hand, it seems like we are rewarding her if we help her with one month's rent but on the other hand it seems like we would be biting off our nose to spite our face if she ends up losing this job and a real shot at independence. Prosecuting her for the check(s) would also probably cost her the job.

    Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors . . . with the time change from Hawaii to Atlanta I haven't slept in a very long time and I am trying to keep myself awake so I go to bed at a normal time tonight to try to get back on schedule.

    I know my old friends will give it to me straight . . .

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Omg Kathy I'm so sorry. I am on our way to vacation for the first time in seven years so this will be short. I say help her with the rent and hope she gets the job and can live on her own. Think about what your goal is and at this point its to have her on her own.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy....hey girl and boy am I so sorry to see your name here for this problem. Oh cripes. Well...yes its a felony if she even wrote it for 20 bucks. Sorry to give you the bad news. Sigh.

    I am the expert on all matters check related with our difficult child's. When I even read that she wrote one and then two more were missing...oh lordy my stomach dropped as if I was reliving 4 years ago. And it was...4 years ago almost to today that Cory did it...

    I think you need to decide on several things right now. What do you need to accomplish? For me, I had to stop Cory's downward spiral. Nothing else was getting through to him. I had to bring him up hard and fast and that I did. it turned his world around. On the other hand, I have saddled him with 3 felonies for life. Okay, I didnt but I did charge him...or decided to charge him. I could have just allowed him to pay me back and held the checks as a threat but I didnt think that would be taken as seriously to him. Maybe it would to your daughter...I dont know.

    I do know that 4 years later Cory is doing much better. He isnt perfect by any means but he is not stealing anything anymore...lol. I can leave anything out at my house now and he wont touch it. I knew I could trust him again when I left 5 dollars on my desk and it stayed there for weeks and weeks on end and he was in and out of my house and I know he saw it. In fact a few times he brought it up to me but I just said...oh I know...and left it there. He never even touched it. A year or so ago I told him I was testing him. He just sighed. LOL.

    I cant tell you what to do. Charging Cory was right for me at the time but it has cost him a lot too. Would I do it again? In the same circumstances? Yes. He knows it too. He has told people (like lawyers) that he stole from me and I am the one who turned him and they are astounded. I guess they dont get many mothers who do that. Maybe thats why his PO works with him. Dunno.
  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I too can see the view of perhaps paying the rent, ends justifying the means, saving your sanity etc.

    On the other hand, I see that obviously you and your husband must know there is a chance in a month when rent is due again, she is either going to likely end up on your door with her hand out for more rent and a guilt trip about her impending homelessness or need to return home if you don't help AGAIN, unless she gets it together enough to find a job, get enough checks under her belt to make the next rent payment, still afford food etc. In a month? Even if hired right away, can she reasonably be on her feet enough to continue the rent? It might be a sinking ship you're bandaiding if viewed that way. You and your husband know more particulars we don't, so I support you both regardless of what avenue you take.

    I will say that perhaps, from a outside perspective with limited knowledge of the situation, that I might be tempted to let her figure her own mess out when the week long rental runs out. Shelters exist and are a hand up instead of a hand out. Same theory as parents bailing out except no emotions, they offer xyz in return for requiring of her efforts to find employment, securing her own affordable housing etc. I think for me, I'd have to tough love her at this point but like I said, I don't know the entire situation. I think I'd be likely to draw the line today, given her recent theft and her desire to be dependent rather than indepentely responsable. I'd probably NOT charge her a felony for the checks, but tell her that you had considered charging her but also helping with one months rent, but you have decided that in leiu of charging for the check, you're recouping losses and trust by not helping financially anymore. That it is time she stands on her own two feet. She's not 18 and naive anymore, etc. I'd offer her love and supervised visits as a family, no access to purses, desks that might hold financial things like check books etc. I'd also tell her that once she starts getting paid she needs to pay a amount each pay to you and husband to refund her stolen money, even if it's just $20 a pay period, never missing a payment, in attempts to offer her a chance to regain trust and to deserve forgiveness.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs)) Kathy

    Nice to see you here again, just wish it was better circumstances.

    A felony is a serious deal. But on the other hand, so is what she did. It's not the amount of money, it's the act itself. And you've yet to know if she actually used those other checks. I'd be searching her things to be certain she doesn't still have them to use at a later date.

    I understand you wanting to help her, I really really do. But on the other hand, I don't see where she's "getting it" at all while you're helping her. It's like most of it is zipping right over her head, and she's still believing she's just a kid (on one level) and can do as she pleases with your stuff.

    You're stuck in a tough situation.

    For me, it wouldn't be tough. Her butt would be sitting in a jail cell. At 26 there is no doubt she knew what she did was serious, yet she did it anyway believing as she did you would not press charges against her. At some point you've got to decide when enough is enough.

    Given her track record, do you honestly think that if you don't press charges, you give her rent money ect that she'll stick with this job? Will it be worth the loss of a natural consequence for her actions? And what will you do the next time she forges a check from you? Because it will happen again, eventually. Those are what I see you need to think about.

  6. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    26??? Frankly, I thought she was a teen until I read this in the last post. 26 is WAY too old for this to be happening, or for you to be tolerating it or still hand-wringing about whether you should finance another month, etc. Pressing charges is your call, and I'm not experienced enough to advise on this, but giving her one more dime? I wouldn't. I can't imagine what the rationale for this would be wrt a 26-year-old. Any 26-year-old that forges your signature on a check, even for only $73, is a thief and not to be coddled or enabled any more, not even to the tune of a nickel. (Heck, any *well-functioning* 26-year-old is past the age for more assistance or coddling.) Step back and let her feel the organic consequences of her bad decisions.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy I have come back to your post in the middle of the night because I simply couldnt sleep. It was bothering me.

    I keep going back thinking to everything you have done for your daughter over the years to help her and how she has thrown that help right back in your faces.

    I think Nancy is coming to you with advice to give your daughter a second chance because her daughter just completed a sober living program and seems to be doing well at the moment. She is very hopeful. I think she has kind heart right now.

    Im not so sure that is what you need to hear. Its what I wanted to tell you too at the beginning when I first posted. I really didnt want to tell you to do what I did but the more I tried to fall asleep tonight the more I thought about all the things your difficult child has done to you and herself. There have been some really bad times. Times you could have or maybe should have had her arrested in the past. Thats what I always wondered to myself...if I had pressed charges sooner, would I have stopped the ride sooner. Who knows.

    I think its time to bring her bottom up. She has stolen from the very people who gave her life, a home, food in her belly and trusted her to be trustworthy in their home while you were gone for a week. That is unforgivable. It doesnt mean you dont love her, it means you love her enough to make her stop this spiral. To stop her from doing this to people who wont think twice about sending her to jail. If you press the charges at least you will have some say so in the whole process. I was able to agree to have Cory come home on house arrest, I was fine with him getting probation in lieu of an active sentence...well he did have to do 30 days active but that was better than the whole 18 months.

    After thinking about it, I dont think she is going to learn a darned thing unless you charge her for the check...now, the question for you is do you charge her for just the forgery or for the uttering. Both are felonies. You can do one, both or either of them. Sometimes this will make a difference if you know that she wrote the check or checks in your home and that is in the county but cashed them in a bank or store that is actually in the city. So each would be handled by a different police dept.

    Cory wrote the checks in my house which is in the county and handled by the country sheriffs dept. Ugh.

    The checks were cashed at the banks in my city which is handled by the city police dept. They handled the uttering charges which are the actual cashing of a forged check which is a felony. So when a person forges a check and then cashes it themselves...that is two separate felony charges. I chose not to charge him with the forgery charges because I just felt it was overkill.

    In your case, if your dtr only did forge the one check, I think I would just charge her with one charge...be it forgery or uttering. I chose uttering because most folks dont know what the heck it means.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yep Kathy I think Janet's right. That and the fact that you and I have so much in common with our difficult child's. I can't tell you what to do, you have to feel it in your gut. Our difficult child was several years younger and that made a difference. It's a very difficult decision because she has this job hanging over her head (or is that just another lie?). The job is a chance for her to move out and be away from you, but if she is on such a downward spiral how long will that last. But I also don't think she is at all interested in getting help for her problems, where our difficult child was ready.

    I can easily see myself saying to throw her butt out of th ehouse, report the stolen checks and let her it bottom. It's what we did, yet I'm not sure what we would have done in the face of a felony. And Janet is right about bringing her bottom up, that's also what we did. We wouldn;t let difficult child back into the house when she was drinking and smoking pot 24/7 and lost her job. Hard as it was we told her to find a place for treatment and we woudl support that but she couldn't come back home. I am convinced that is the only reason she is where she is art now, because she had no place else to go and hated where she was at.

    Whatever you decide we are here for you and will support you.

  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy, your difficult child has always reminded me of my my Oldest, so my heart goes out to you here. The most mine has stolen from me, however, has been pain pills and change out of the change jars. If she had stolen and forged checks, I'd be thinking seriously of pressing charges as well. This is a tough call, and you have to go with your gut. Quite honestly, I think that if you help her through to the first paycheck, you may just be postponing the inevitable. If she's stealing and forging checks from her own family, there's no telling what she'll do once at a job, and they won't hesitate to press charges. Do you really think she'll be able to hold that job? I know you want to give her the chance to try, but.. I just don't know. I don't have an answer.. just thinking out loud

  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    We've missed you Kathy and hoped that your absence meant that difficult child had moved on to a career as a beautician and life was close to normal. I'm so sorry to read that you are still on the blankin' rollercoaster. Sincerely sorry. I'm not giving advice as you and husband have got to find a common ground and then stick to it...whatever it is. Sadly I understand that it is difficult. Whatever path you guys choose try to make sure that you are a united front. If you give one more chance...then be determined to make it what it is one last chance. As always you have my caring support and best wishes. DDD

    by the way,did husband find a new job? If not and difficult child is stealing from you then in my mind that makes her choices far more abhorent.
  11. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Hi Kathy,

    I think it helps putting things in perspective and getting a bit of distance in between you and her activities - if you think back on where you were when you were 26. Were you doing okay? Did you manage on your own? Did you have problems and managed to work through them to come out to where you are now? Did you overcome obstacles and not even survived but thrived? Did you grow through them to mature and become a better, stronger and more successful person? Did your parents have to constantly come to rescue you or bail you out or save your butt?

    I understand that all of our difficult children are different, and you can't often times not compare their handicaps with "normal" [is there even such a thing? Since I started on this journey - many ppl I though were normal match the discriptions of many of the difficult children I hear about here] kids, young adults, etc etc. But do think about it this way - if she were not drinking/drugging/using [whichever] - at 26 did she have all she needed to make a go at it? Is her condition supported my medications? Does she maintain her medical routine [if any] and take care of herself that way? If the answer is yes, and she was not able to do make a go at a selfsufficient lifestyle - irregardless if due to any addiction, lazyness, lack of will power or mental condition etc etc - then the answer should be a loud and resounding NO in regards to letting her slide one more time.

    I would not support her with an apartment, money or any other place to stay.

    I would look up women shelters, AA meetings + locations, pack her belongings and take them along with the list of the above, to the hotel she is staying in right now and set her down and explain the new rules. When her time there is up, it's up.

    If she can hold down her new job for a minimum of 3 months and safe up x$, I might [and a very weak might at that] consider helping her finding and getting started with a room mate situation or a cheap efficiency apartment, contingent upon her making a certain number of AA meetings each week.

    If you cannot be sure that she is lying about the other checks, you might want to put a stop payment on them at your bank, or at least notify the bank that they have been stolen... Be sure to also go through your unused check books and check all of them to see if there are additional checks missing!

    During that 3 month trial period, she needs to pay back the money stolen via forged checks - including any bank fees you might occur for stop payments etc.

    Remember to change the locks on your house doors!

    You already know what I am saying - at 26 - if she doesn't want to make a go at it, given all the opportunities she's had in the past - she won't. Unless she is ready to make a change on her own, and that most likely isn't going to happen until she rockbottoms - you are just enabling and feeding her habits. The sooner she bottoms out, assuming she manages to make positive changes and a successful climb out of her addiction - the more time she has left afterwards to enjoy her life in a constructive and satisfying way. If you know the only way to come out of this, is to let the s*** hit the proverbial fan, then let her rip and hope that there will be a recovery and a happy life in the future for her.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Amen on the unused check books. As you may remember, I took all mine in and had them shredded at the bank and the entire lot was cancelled. I actually havent had any checks issued on that account since that time. Maybe I will at some point. The bank was cooperative in cancelling the whole lot of checks because I did the forgery affidavit at the bank. You will have to do that if you want to go through with this.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks to all who replied. It was great to see old friends and some new names, too.

    To answer some of the questions, yes, she definitely has the new job. She showed me the paperwork when we got home and it even included her schedule (which she had also read us over the phone). It is the perfect opportunity for her since they understand that she needs more training and want to work her gradually to the floor as a fulltime stylist. The first few jobs out of beauty school just threw her out on the floor before she was ready and she didn't have any confidence. It is also a high-end salon which has the potential for a really good living if she sticks it out.

    She has held down jobs before for long periods of time. I think that this job has the potential for really working out for her. That is why I am so hesitant about doing anything that will keep her from getting started.

    As far as comparing her to myself at 26, I had already been teaching school for three years and moved on my own to a new city. However, I also did not have mental health issues like difficult child. Besides the diagnosed clinical depression, I am conviced she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) even though I have never seen a clinical diagnosis. Not that those things excuse lying and stealing, but could explain her problems with being functionally independent.

    I guess that also explains my hesitation with charging her with a felony and completely cutting her off financially. If she had a physical disorder that caused her to need help, we wouldn't hesitate to help her then. However, if she steals from a job and gets charged, then it is out of my hands and she will have to face the consequences.

    Or am I just making excuses? One thing I do know is that I will not let her back in our house. If nothing else, I am going to protect the rest of us from her behavior. She has already called from the hotel begging to come back and saying that she can't stay there. I told her that she was lucky that she was in an extended stay hotel instead of jail. Of course, she hung up on me.

    DDD, husband still has not found a job. He has gone back to school to get a teaching certificate since he has a math degree. I worked an extra job teaching online to save up for our trip. difficult child saw it as proof that we had enough money to help her out and resented us for going. How is that for warped thinking? I owe her because I worked myself to the bone to pay for a once in a lifetime trip for husband and me. I think that partially explained her justification for writing the check even though I had stocked up on food for her before we left. The check was written to our grocery store (which is also our pharmacy).

    Janet, I am sorry that you lost sleep over my problems! You were the first one I thought of when I realized difficult child had written that check.

    Although I hate why I am here, it almost feels like I am back home.

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Not a problem on me losing sleep...I can sleep in..lol.

    I really dont want to see anyone charged with a felony, really I dont. I just worry about is this enough to stop her in her tracks and make her realize what she has done.

    How bout considering this. Go get her and drag her into your bank and have them explain to her that you can sign that forgery affidavit and what that will mean to her. That it isnt a joke. Do you have a friend or working relationship with anyone in a local branch of your bank? If not, maybe go in ahead of time and explain what you want to do. Maybe ask exactly how long you have to sign the affidavit? Or call the police and ask. Tell her you have a choice and if she does not act responsibly you reserve the right to go back to this.

    Kind of hold her over a barrel so to speak. Something to motivate her to not mess up.

    Im not buying the whole bipolar, borderline defense...lol. Sorry, as one, I have to hold us responsible.
  15. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member


    I feel for you and if I were in your position, I'd be very unsure about the felony thing too. I would avoid that as long as I could, but on the other hand - if there is no other way or if I were to feel that I am taken for granted about being lenient no matter what the offense, the gloves would come off.

    I've been married to an alcoholic - a lovely, intelligent, handsome and kind [truly nice, helpful and kind give you the last shirt on his back type] man. Extremely intelligent with the potential to go far, who with abandon and full of energy and enthusiasm and eyes wide open - ruined his career, our marriage and consequently his life. We seperated and eventually divorced peacefully, and he went on to live double and tripple identity lives [taking the names and SSNs of his diseased siblings] and went on to financially ruin me along the line due to idendity theft [one of his girl friends or possible second wife posing as me up north, while I have been living here in the south for the last 20+ years]. There is a huge amount of debt in my name, defaulted mortgages, credit cards galore and on and on - I lost my own home over this and have zero credit whatsoever nowadays. This from a husband I loved with all of my heart, whom I seperated with desperation and sadness from with but mutually agreeable and with kindness, and whom I never did anything wrong to. One word - alcoholism - and probably drugs too [well two words].

    When they are in the grip of an addiction, there is no telling which way this is going to go or end at unless they decide to make a change for the better. If you felt that she was angry, resentful and punishing you for having money [for which you were working your butt off] while her life is going to the cra**er [by not doing anything], you are probably right. And while you are right, that we cannot compare our difficult children with most "average" folks out there = honestly - nobody is going to care about her problems but you and her loved ones. If she were in a wheelchair instead of having a mental ailment [not sure what she has, some are certainly more debilitating than others] - would that mean that she would be incapable of having a meaningful life or to support herself? Of course not! You would have taught her alternatives - from how to drive a car to how to find an enjoyable job and earn a living, just as you tried with her.

    It is not your fault [or really your problem] that she choses not to help herself! She has a great job with potential waiting for her! She had a home all for herself for 10 days of peace and quiet to enjoy! But she blew it - be it because she can't stand being by herself, or because she didn't take her medications or felt lonely, or resentful, or whatever! Did not think about the consequences of her actions, or thought she could handle them before things would go south - this is the alcohol [and maybe her mental illness] speaking. I can totally understand and sympathize with your need to help her one more time now that things could technically be looking up for her again - I can't say with certainty that I would not if I were in your position, even knowing that it most likely will not be appreciated, or even of help in the long run. And I really don't envy you having to make that decision either.

    What I did learn with my own son though, is making things happen or making them easy for difficult children is generally not being appreciated because they do know that you are sacrificing for them, and it causes resentment due to guilt they feel or if they are so beyond caring one way or the other, that it will cause resentment in you for giving, giving and giving some more. What worked for mine [but not necessarily for yours] is keeping him busy - no time to sit and mope and grope or play video games for hours on end, keeping them physically busy and consequently tired allows them to rest their minds as well and helps with the recovery. Having things to do [and needing to get them done or else there'll be rather unpleasant consequences, loss of priviledges etc etc], sometimes under supervision if necessary - helped mine. Meeting new [the right kind of] people can be helpful as well. Away from the loser crowd, on with the young folks that are successful or that are helping themselves getting there. I really don't know how much change you can still influence in a 26 year old, but one of the main requirements from you to do anything for her, is that she goes to AA meetings. No AA meetings, no help. Period! I know you can lead a horse to the water, but not make them drink, but there is hope if she goes to a few meetings, that they may get her thinking at least orperhaps she assimilates enough to get her reconsidering the quality of her life...

    Hugs to you!
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Hi again....I'm so sorry that things were doing well, but now are very difficult again. It seems we rarely get off of this rollercoaster...also seems your adult child is at the helm of the roller coaster.
    You reported that she ended up being "kicked out of where she was living and had no place to go so we allowed her to move back in "temporarily" until she figured out what to do next." Why was she "kicked out?" She had/has a great job opportunity and now she has put that in jeopardy. Why? Because she stole from you, wrecked the house, threatened to kill herself and who knows what else.....Is she sabotaging herself? I'm not sure what the right answer (s) are really. No one would fault you whatever you decide to do. Although deeply conflicted, I might not press charges and that is ONLY because she has a job in place. But that is where it ends. I would not be inclined to help her out with money or a place to stay, etc. Perhaps she can stay with a friend. Let her suffer the consequences. If she loses the job, that is ashame, but it is what it is. I do hope that she is seeing a counselor. I would make FEW exceptions when it comes to paying for things for a difficult child who is over 21 and repeatedly messes up opportunities. The two exceptions are: paying for counseling and paying for birthcontrol.
    Lasted edited by : Jul 26, 2011
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Nomad!

    difficult child had to leave the last place that she lived because she had been living off her school loans and ran out of money to pay the rent. The family that she was renting a room from let her stay two months for free before they finally told her that she had to leave.

    Self-sabotage is definitely a factor here. She has done it before. I think it is also due to a drinking problem. The two months that she was here before this happened were great but she wasn't drinking. As soon as we left, she started drinking and everything fell apart.

    I'm still puzzled about one thing that happened. When difficult child moved back in, I made it clear that it was temporary and that she was not to put up any pictures in the guest room to "decorate" it as her bedroom. She obeyed the rule until we left. When I walked into her room the day we got back, she had put up posters and pictures and filled the shelves with family pictures that had her in them. She also went into the basement and go out old tennis and Odyssey of the Mind trophies that she had won and put them up on display. It was bizarre because these were trophies from middle and high school. I think she probably did this while she was drinking but why?

    That's what I can't stop asking myself . . . why? All she had to do was follow our rules and show that she could be trusted for 10 days. Everything was going so well. Why did she do this??

  18. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well... seems to me she wanted to feel like she had a home. And that that impulse and desire was stronger than following the rule.
  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hi Kathy - it has been a really long time since I have seen you! Sorry things are not going well, and unfortunately I do not remember your difficult children story well at all - but I do remember you. Many hugs.

    I agree with Nomad that she might be self sabotaging. So, in my opinion, if she has a job, I would give her the bare necessities to see if she can make a go of the job. Then, that is it. If she messes this up - time is up - and the whole show is over.

    And I would tell her that - this is it girl. I will pay for you to have 2 weeks rent, and only rent, until your first paycheck - and then the money dries up - forever - permanently.

    Then I would hope she can open her wings and fly, fly away. If not, she is on her own.
  20. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    Check and see what the statute of limitations is the felony charges in your area. This is likely not something that you have to decide now. Kanga committed felonies against us and our police dept documented everything including Kanga's confession/bragging aboutt doing it and offered to arrest her on the spot. Instead we had them put it on hold and had Kanga transported to ER; had ER not admitted her or had she been discharged too quickly, they would have gone and picked her up and arrested her. We were able to hold onto that for 1 year as a back-up plan until the statute ran out.

    You may be able to take a wait and see attitude and if she starts the job and does well, you can just let the statute expire. If she screws up, you can file the complaint at that time.