I'm back at the bottom...again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AliceLee, Feb 18, 2007.

  1. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hi guys, I'm feeling like I've hit bottom (again) with difficult child. To briefly recount what's been going on: Abusive boyfriend attacked difficult child Monday night---difficult child called police and boyfriend was incarcerated. Police issued 72 hour protective order on Monday. difficult child filed for extended protective order on Wednesday, after having all of her injuries documented. difficult child was going to stay with us until she could find a new roomate/place to live.

    On Friday, difficult child told me that boyfriend had been denied bond at 11 am hearing. She had been on the phone with boyfriend's mother, who was irate that boyfriend was being held without bond for domestic violence. boyfriend's mother was angry at my daughter for calling the police on her darling son. I advised difficult child to stop talking to boyfriend's mother. difficult child responded by saying,"You can't tell me what to do." I agreed, but said I still didn't think it was a good idea. I was told to mind my own business.

    Saturday morning, I found out (message left by victim protection on our home voice mail) that boyfriend had been released from jail on Friday night (how could this happen if he'd been denied bond at the bond hearing Friday morning?) I asked difficult child if she knew that boyfriend had been released. She said, "Yes, how did YOU know?" I explained that message was left on our voice mail. Then, I asked, "how did YOU know?" (She has no phone and was working Friday night). She said that boyfriend's mom told her. (I did not respond to this bit of info.) difficult child then began to berate me for not minding my own business. I told her I was afraid that she was going to go back with boyfriend. She told me that was none of my business...she can be with whoever she wants. I said that she is my daughter, her safety is my business and that I was afraid he was going to kill her. At that, she began SCREAMING at me that I was crazy, this was none of my f***ing business, that I was a f***ing b**ch, she couldn't stand living here, etc. She then grabbed some of her clothes and stormed out, saying that she was going back to the apartment. Haven't heard from her since.

    I am so afraid for her---read a statistic that 75% of domestic violence homicides occur after a woman has left and comes back.
    Also feeling so guilty ...when I kicked her out last fall, she moved in with him because she didn't have anywhere else to go. Wish I could keep my mouth shut with unasked-for-advice. I'm trying to detatch and let God handle this, but I can't seem to do that...I'm a wreck.
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Sorry Alicelee, I just posted on your other thread and saw this post when I finished.

    She is in a cycle, it is the same as if she were addicted to a drug. Nothing you say or do will make a difference until she realizes that she doesn't want to live the way she is living anymore.

    You have done what you can do, that is all you can do.

    Don't beat yourself up, you are a loving mom that tried to make a difference. You let her come home to get away from him and she chose to return, there is nothing else you can do.

    Sending prayers and hugs your way, I am so sorry she left
  3. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Thank you, hearthope, for your kind words. She left her puppy at our house, so I guess she'll be back sooner or later. I'm getting attached to the pup...maybe I should sue for custody!
  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Glad to see you smile!!!! I am praying for you and her Alice!

    I don't mean to be so blunt with the post, I guess I have seen too many times what can happen
  5. Loris

    Loris New Member

    I'm so sorry she is making this choice. You did your best, now it's up to her. I hope she stays safe. We can't make them make the choices that we know they should.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm so sorry, AliceLee. I would certainly be worried, too. Unfortunately, this is another one of those situations when there isn't a thing you can do unless your daughter wants to do something for herself. Does she know where the womens' shelters are in your area?

    You are in such a thankless position right now. :frown:

  7. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    I haven't been around much, just lurking now and then, but I feel compelled to respond to your post. I know EXACTLY what you're going through, been there done that with my difficult child. It's heartwrenching, for sure. The best advice I can give you is to see a domestic violence counselor yourself. husband and I went and talked to a counselor at the local DV organization after we learned that difficult child's boyfriend was abusing her. They can help you to understand the thought process of your difficult child(somewhat - I still don't completely understand :confused:). They can also advise you on what to do to help her get out. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do until she WANTS out. But the one thing you can do is not allow the boyfriend to alienate you from her. That is his goal, to cut her off from her friends and family. The more isolated she is, the more control he has. I know it's hard, but don't lecture her. I tried as best I could to just pretend the boyfriend didn't exist. Talk about work, the weather, current events, etc. Keep that link to her - don't let him sever it. When she is ready, she will come to you for help.

    Our difficult child also kept in contact with boyfriend's family when he was in jail. He was arrested and locked up for domestic abuse at least 3 or 4 times. He served weekends in jail - and she accepted phone calls from him while he was there. He spent 6 months in jail for violating a restraining order - and she took him back when he got out. Your difficult child will likely leave him and go back more than once. I think I remember them saying an average of 6 times.

    The final straw for our difficult child was when he strangled her, raped her, and threatened to kill her - all in front of their 18-month old son. I truly believe - as does difficult child - that if she hadn't managed to grab T and flee he would have killed her that morning. She testified against him in court and he is currently serving 11 years.

    I will keep you and your difficult child in my prayers. Please PM me if you need support. My heart goes out to you.

  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am sorry for your pain and this situation. God please intervene and bring safety and peace to all.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I would be worried too. Unfortunately it sounds as if difficult child tends to want to the the exact opposite of what you advise. Plus, she is stuck in a cycle like someone else said. Til she realizes it, you won't be able to convince her that her relationship with b/f is toxic.

    It's not easy to not say anything when you know they're being hurt. been there done that Keep the phone #'s of the nearest domestic violence shelter near your phone. Next time she is "ready" to have b/f arrested and leave, give her the phone number of the shelter. She'll be in good hands and safe. And the temptation to advise won't be available as readily.

    I wish I'd taken that route with stepgfg.

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I would be extremely worried also,but since I don't have any experience with this, I really have no advice, just hugs and support. Follow your heart is all I can tell you!!
  11. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    I am here reading along too, Alice Lee.

    Hearthope and Genny are right. If you can find help for yourselves, you and your husband will make it through this time stronger. When your daughter says these things to you, remind yourself that she is not thinking straight ~ and which of us could think straight, if the man we think we love turns on us and begs us to come back and turns on us again?

    She cannot see his sickness.

    You can, but if you confront her with your understanding, she will turn on you.

    You have more power than you know.

    Think ahead about the things you want your daughter to hear.

    The number for women's shelter.

    To dial 911 without hesitation if she feels she needs to.

    To come home any hour of the day or the night.

    That you love her and that you believe in her.

    Remember that in addition to physically abusing her, this man is destroying your child's self esteem and her ability to think for, or to believe anything good about, herself.

    That is why it is important for you to state your truths clearly, even if they don't make sense in the conversation.

    Don't threaten her, and don't preach.

    Tell her she deserves better, and that she does not have to live this way.

    Tell her again and again that you love her and that when she is ready, you will be there.

    You are not as helpless as you feel, Alice Lee. In fact, your strength will enable your daughter to leave this relationship.

    Without you, she may never believe in herself enough to get out of it.

    Hold faith with her. Everything you taught her about herself when she was a little girl is still there.

  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Alice ~ Barbara put into words the "cycle" I was speaking of.

    Everything she said so well in her post is so true.

    We are here for you and you be there for her and you will get through this.
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Alice I am truly sorry for what you must be going through, I can not imagine my daughters in that situation, how heartwrenching.

    I go back and forth on the other side, my brother is the difficult child who is the ***hole, boyfriend, absent father, abuser... his girlfiend will call me only when things are really bad and poor her heart out about all the horrible things he does to them...
    This has been going on for over 10 years!!! They have 2 children and she has filed 2 different restraining orders against him... he has choked her when she was pregnant he has cheated on her and is an alcoholic and drug addict. Along with whatever undiagnosed disorders he has.

    But I have spent so much time with this lady and she is beautiful and smart yet for some reason she keeps going back... she thinks she needs him. Even before they had kids, I think she thought/thinks she can fix him. The whole why am I not good enough for him.
    So I think the others are correct in the helping her believe in herself, this is the one thing that stand out with my brother's girlfriend, she has so much, yet she does not realize it, she was adopted and has lost most of her family.
    I am just there for her when she needs me as well I have had to step back...
    I know it is not the same...

    Hang in there.
  14. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Thank you, friends. I don't know what I'd do without you.

    I called a local battered women's shelter and spoke with a counselor yesterday. She is sending me a packet of info. I will read it, then pass it on to difficult child.

    By the way, difficult child did come home Sunday afternoon. I've made up my mind to make our home "a safe place to land" for her as much as possible. We had a REALLY pleasant evening playing Monopoly together. She has spent the last two nights with us, which has helped my state of mind because at least I know she's safe.

    Don't know what she's planning on doing about the apartment and all of her things. I'm pretty sure she doesn't enough money to pay for March rent on her own. husband and I are on the same page: we will not contribute one cent if she moves back by herself (she can't afford it on her own) or with boyfriend. Guess we'll just wait and see what she ends up doing...
  15. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    I'm glad you and husband are on the same page, and that you had a nice time with difficult child. I think your idea of giving her a safe place is wonderful. Try not to judge her too harshly...abusive relationships are so complicated. It will take time for her to work up the self esteem to get Occupational Therapist (OT) completely. But being there for her and showing her you love her is a great way to help her build herself back up. Great job :bravo:

    Keep us posted...she remains in my prayers.

  16. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Alice I am very glad you are providing her with a safe place.

    I know she is a difficult child. I know we are always seeking detachment, but in her case a safe haven to go to may be the one thing that gives her the strength to leave this relationship.

    I really hope she will talk to someone at the shelter.
    Is she open to maybe meeting one person just for lunch?
    The battered woman shelters will usually meet her anywhere she is comfortable, all she has to do is ask.

    I applaud what you have done so far. She is very lucky to have you in her corner.

    Hopefully the calmness at your home will become much more desireable than the chaos with him

    TYLERFAN New Member


    As was already said, abused womens syndrome can be likened to a drug addiction. Same rules apply. They won't get help till they hit bottom. Unfortunately many women do wait too long and some end up dead. Very Scary!.
    But as was also said, you have no control over her choices. She is an adult. She chooses to side with abusive boyfriend.....all her decisions.
    Don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong!

    I am praying for your daughter.