Nancy and all -- this is the info on grief that really helped me to understand my process. I've referred to it often since I found it. I found it quite helpful even though bereavement wasn't involved. I really did feel like I was losing my mind, but learning about grief really helped. I loved the statement "It may be the purest pain you have ever known."
Regarding the "Hostile Reactions" -- one time I was at Barnes and Noble and asked for help, and the bookseller said "It'll be just a minute." All of a sudden I felt such intense rage at him for making me wait. I'll never forget that.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF
The work of grief cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more. It may be the purest pain you have ever known.
The following are stages of grief that are commonly experienced after a loss. You may not experience all of these, and you may not experience them in this order. It is important to realize, however, that what you are feeling is natural and that, with time, you will heal.
Shock
Some people experience shock after a loss, saying things like I feel numb and displaying no tears or emotions. Sometimes there is denial. Gradually the bereaved become aware of what has happened, and they are able to express their emotions. Other people never go through a prolonged stage of shock. They are able to express emotions immediately.
Emotional Release
At some point a person begins to feel and to hurt. It is very important not to suppress your feelings. Suppressed feelings often surface at a later time in unhealthy ways. Shared feelings are a gift, and bring a closeness to all involved.
Preoccupation with the Deceased or the Crisis
Despite efforts to think of other things, a grieving person may find it difficult to shift his/her mind from thoughts about the deceased person (or crisis) . This is not unusual and, with time, should not be a problem.
Symptoms of Some Physical and Emotional Distress
These distresses may come in waves. The most common physical distresses are:
Sleeplessness
Tightness in the throat
A choking feeling
Shortness of breath
Deep sighing
An empty hollow feeling in the stomach
Lack of muscular power (Its almost impossible to climb stairs or everything I lift seems heavy)
Digestive symptoms and poor appetite
Closely associated with the physical distresses may be certain emotional alternations, the most common of which are:
A slight sense of unreality Feelings of emotional distance from people - that no one really cares or
understands
Sometimes people appear shadowy or very small
Sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self-destruction, or the desire to run away or chuck it all
These emotional disturbances can cause many people to feel they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are actually quite normal.
Hostile Reactions
You may catch yourself responding with a great deal of anger to situations that previously would not have bothered you. The feelings can be surprising and very uncomfortable. They often make people feel that they are going crazy. Anger can be directed at the doctor, the nurse, God, sometimes even at your loved one who died.
Often, there may be feelings of hurt or hostility toward family members who do not or, for various reasons cannot, provide the emotional support the grieving person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal. Do not suppress your anger. However, it is important that you understand and direct your anger towards what you are really angry at, namely the loss of someone you loved.
Guilt
There is almost always some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have done, but didnt. They accuse themselves of negligence. These hurts pop up in grief. Guilt is normal and should pass with time.
Depression
Many grieving people feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or who have little family. These feelings are normal and should also pass with time.
Withdrawal
The grieving person often tends to withdraw from social relationships. Their daily routines are often disrupted as well. Life seems like a bad dream. This is normal and will take some effort to overcome, but the rewards are worthwhile.
Resolution and Readjustment
This comes gradually. The memories are still there, the love is still there, but the wound begins to heal. You begin to get on with life. Its hard to believe now, but you will feel better. By experiencing deep emotion and accepting it, you will grow warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
www.griefandhealing.org
