vmc,
Hi ya! You know - If you were in a situation where your kid wasn't your kid and you were forced to help a person over and over and over that behaved like your child did with seeminly no results day after day? WHO WOULD want to be around that person? God knows I've stepped away from other people in my life that I've tried to help over and over, and were continually needy and didn't take my help - and they weren't even family- but here - you have a little person that is YOUR responsibility, and well let's face it, anything you could do? You HAVE done, and nothing's worked.
Who woudn't be at the end of their rope? I used to tell my therapist 'If Mother Theresa had to have raised MY son? She wouldn't have ever gotten on the cover of TIME magazine. He would have WORN. HER. OUT. and that is a fact. (and she's a saint) once I really realized what I had said? I didn't feel so like a bad parent, plus WHERE please tell me DO any of us get a hand book before hand to learn HOW to deal with anything even remotely like what we do every day? It doesn't exist. If it did? There would certainly be a cure, therapists would take one look at an ODD or BiPolar (BP) kid and say "ABRACADABRA - ALAKAZAM - take this pill and VOILA!" - no such thing exists. Does it? So even all these medical experts with all their knowledge and training and expertise have no clue -just trial and error just. like. us. (think about that)
I came to realize that I didn't HATE my kid, I hated not being able to fix him, I hated not being able to understand getting even one step ahead. I hated mental illness, and I hated the fact that I was being outsmarted by a 9, 10, 11 year old and I HATED most of all - loosing my cool - almost constantly. I hated daily confrontations, I hated coming so close to feeling like I was going to reach out and 'touch' someone and then feeling guilt for it - that I started to hate myself and took THAT with me along with daily life and it's disappointments, and it was building into something called severe depression and even though I had been working with a therapist for a bad marriage? I realized I needed more therapy for my family dynamics. So before I got a second divorce before I was even married a second time? We got into family counseling. It saved us in more ways than I can tell you.
I won't tell you it was perfect - nothing is. I WILL tell you our lives on a whole got much better. We started going - literally three times a week. Our difficult child went once a week, I went once a week and we all went as a family once a week. DF and I did effective communication workshops where you learn HOW to talk to a difficult child and that was beneficial 10x over -more than any other parenting class I think. We read a lot, and I recommend those types of books more than I do any other. If you can't talk to your kids - you aren't going to understand them, and they aren't going to talk to you if they don't think you understand them.
I also got anger control coping skills, and so did my son. Sometimes you just have to learn to walk away, and when that's not possible - you HAVE to learn how to take YOUR time out and allow him the space to take his. EVEN when you want control - some times? You just have to let them walk out the door - and cool off. It's not what you would do with a regular behaviored kid - but you gotta ask yourself - what's regular in this house? Not much. And it's certainly better than escalating a situation. Learning how to de-escalate will save you a lot of problems. Getting a grip on learning HOW to do that was priceless for us - and I'll tell you - it doesn't work all the time. I still had my days where sadly - I know my neighbors will NEVER bother us or like I tell people - EVER come to our door to sell gift wrap for the 'band' or candy bars for the team. One rock lobbing, bird house, bird feeder knock-down drag out in our front yard? You wouldn't either. Not proud of it - but it was better than a trip to the ER that day, and no one was touched - just lots of out of control behavior we talked about later that could and should have been avoided. Which is now NOT a good topic for any family get together. Just a good story on HOW NOT to behave for others, but why therapy is so important for healing and learning how to move on from guilt and learning where to rebuild.
This is not an easy life, but eventually? There are small signs that afford you smiles and appreciation of your sons accomplishments that no other Moms (save present company) would understand, and you'll know what those times are and you'll come to appreciate things more than you'll ever realize.
Hang in there - you've found some great support and some awesome help and advice, and a ton of great people. (occasionaly a few humorous rock lobbers)
Hugs
Star