I'm really worried

[klmno]

that difficult child is going to be turned over to dss and go to my bro. I have this bad feeling that since I can't make difficult child mind at home and they are looking for ways to prevent difficult child from getting recommitted to Department of Juvenile Justice so soon and because my mental health evaluation will reflect depression and anxiety issues since childhood, that they will see it like my family sees it- everyone else is just fine, it's just me who has psychiatric issues and I'm just paranoid about my bro.

I, on the other hand, see it as a very sick family and believe I have more than ample reason to believe it would be worse for difficult child to live at my bros. The attny's here seem to come to conclusions that are so different from mine that I'm not sure they can see that they would be sending difficult child into the home of someone who thinks exactly like those who contributed most to my depression and anxiety as a child. And difficult child is so sure that he knows everything and can handle everything, it leaves him a vunerable sitting duck for manipulation.

Do those in the general public still believe that if abuse happens within a family (by another family member), that it's only those two parties who have psychiatric problems instead of it being a very dysfunctional family all the way around? I am afraid that they do. I don't think they see that the reason this passes from generation to generation is because of the continuous dysfunctional patterns that don't change unless one person gets help to prevent passisng so much down to the next generational branch. But I am the only one who ever got that help in my family- my bro did not. He thinks he didn't do anything majorly wrong and he thinks he was unaffected by all the family issues. If difficult child is turned over to dss, it skips the court hearing to equally evaluate which person is better fit to be the guardian. All they do is a homecheck and give custody as a foster parent.

One very bad thing is that Department of Juvenile Justice tends to say they can't help what dss does with a kid once turned over to them- yet dss has already said that unless my bro had a conviction for a sex offense against a child, they would be required to automatically place difficult child with him. Give the brilliant conclusions the GAL came to last year that I couldn't be trusted (who knows where that came from), so difficult child should go to Department of Juvenile Justice instead of Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I almopst see this coming.

The only hope I have is that I have been lead to believe that difficult child would still be involved in the courts system. It would be a transfer from the juvenile system to dss meaning difficult child would still be on parole, supposedly. So if there is a group home that Department of Juvenile Justice can access, dss is going to push for them to go that route first so they don't have to take difficult child into their system.

Poor difficult child has no concept about how deep he has dug himself in and the long term damage to his life all this will have. None of these options are good for him. If they recommit him and keep him until he's 16yo, there might be a group home he'd qualify for then. But OMG, why couldn't they just let him go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? If it had been court ordered, it wouldn't have mattered if they trusted me or not. Please don't bash me for rehashing that- my son will never be the same.

Occupational Therapist (OT): I'm going to call the police station and double check about whether or not a report of any kind was ever made when I was in high school. Would they have kept a record like that from the mid-1970's? The case never went to court so I've always told people there was never a report filed. However, after going over these details again with the psychiatric this week, it dawned on me what I think happened based on piecing the few facts I know together. My mom to me to a dr to confirm that I had been molested, which he did. He would have been a madated reporter and I believe that was in effect even in the 70's. But I think my mom convinced him that she would report it so he didn't need to. I remember my mom saying she talked with police to find out what would happen if she filed a formal report and whatever they told her made her scared to death of it. I suspect part of it might have been to save me from going thru it, but part of it might have been her being afraid of confrontation about her incompetency in the matter. Then I remember her telling me the police were looking for him, but my step-dad paid someone to get him out of town and dump him on the street in a city far away. That was fact because a few years later, he was found dead on one of those streets in that city. That is why no formal complaint was made by my therapist- he was already dead. So, would there be any chance that a police station would have any record of discussion with my mom over this stuff all these years later? The thing is, if I can prove that this happened, it puts more credibility on my statement about my bro trying it.

 

[Star*]

Honey,

I think you are overthinking EVERYTHING. in my humble opinion (and I could be wrong) but I think the LESS public you make YOURself, the better off the "SYSTEM" is going to think of YOU period. In this case it would be the quiet wheel they are looking for.

As far as your son going to live with your brother? Okay - this man has psychiatric issues correct? Wouldn't he have to undergo some psychiatric. testing BEFORE he would be allowed to become any type of guardian to your son? I think he would. If that's the case, and being like he is you say he is....don't you think that a trained professional would see through his crud? I do.

And.....lets just say for arguments sake that your brother WERE to 'fake' his way through a psychiatric exam and pass with flying colors to be your sons guardian....(hypothetically speaking) these are my two schools of thought.
1.) YOU KNOW YOUR SON better than anyone. Do you honestly think your brother will be able to control him or make him behave or listen any better than anyone else? You keep placing SO MUCH OF THE Conduct disorder blame on YOURSELF - it's a mental disease....you can't control it. NO ONE has THAT kind of power. Not you, not me, not the dozens of people that saw Dude....and certainly NOT your brother. So if he DID go to live there - (hypothetically speaking) I doubt it would be for very long and then people are going to be asking your brother WHAT is going on???? At this point the blame isn't going to be anyones - no one's but difficult child's. (like it should be at his age) he is old enough to make choices.
2.) And this is the really hard one no one wants to hear....BUT....as a friend I will...because well....it just needs to be said and I had to several times in Dudes life choose MY FEELINGS and MY THOUGHTS of what I KNEW WOULD BE BAD, WRONG, over what everyone else said could be best for Dude....so hear me out. I mean do you think I LIKED him ever living in anyplace but my home? Heck no - but I allowed it in hopes it would be the help he needed. So.....WHAT IF.....your brother IS ABLE TO HELP YOUR SON?? (shhhhh) hear me out. WHAT IF....There is a click between them, and your son tows the line with Uncle weirdo? You don't, I wouldn't.....most people nope.....but maybe....just maybe.....he goes there and WHAM.....son listens and behaves and it's good it is all good? Are you going to hate your brother for THAT? Are you going to begrudge your son for improving? OF course not...but, but.....NO BUTS. IT COULD HAPPEN. Weirder things have. And obviously what is happening now? Is not.

That's all I'm saying. I know a lot of times when I feel my back is against the wall I want control over SOMETHING ......ANYTHING.....usually it manifests itself in anger, or in finding fault with everyone else. I pick.....I don't do that so much anymore because I know exactly what it is when I start to do it it and I don't like it. It's pretty natural, but try to focus on the things that you CAN make positive in YOUR life. Worrying about things won't make a single bit of difference or bring about change or good and in a months time - you could sit back and go - WOW worrying did me nothing but waste time I could have spent doing more productive things.

I know you are just worried.....this is what happens when we worry - USE YOUR POWERS FOR GOOD KLMNO GIRL!!!!!

Much hugs and love
Star

 

[klmno]

Star, my bro would not have to take a psychiatric test because this would be a foster care placement thru dss. All they do is visit the home and talk with the person. As far as what if he coulddo my son some good- if I thought there was any chance of that I would have already sent my son there for a while to try it. But it's way too much of a stretch for me to believe my bro could. I'm not going over everything he's done again - it's been covered in old threads in General.

I filed for CS last week on top of everything else. Hopefully that will at least slow dss up a little in sending difficult child to my bro, if he gets turned over to them, and it's a long shot but if they find difficult child's father (even though I have told them exactly where he is), maybe he'd prefer to have difficult child with him sometimes instead of paying CS. I'd prefer that over my bro.

 

[ML]

All I know is that it's high time my pal KLMNO catches a break!

 

[Marcie Mac]

K, I am totally confused so bear with me please. In the past you wrote your brother molested you, and then said he was gay. Now you note someone else molested you but your brother tried to, is this the brother that is gay or another brother?

Why would you want to try and keep your son locked up for another year "in hopes" they find a group home? I have seen a few group homes, some of Dannys friends were raised in them - this is so NOT going to be his salvvation. Or even worse, having him placed with someone, his father, who never wanted him in the first place. Talk about " long term damage to his life" - I think that would be absolutely life altering, to know you are not wanted but your there cause its all about money - I would bet dollar to donuts this WOULD come out sooner or later, depending on how po'd dad is.

I am sorta wth Star on this - maybe there is a slight hope that a stint with your bro can turn things around for him - you never know. I don't know - I think of my boys at your sons age, and could say confidently that if anyone of the same sex tried to lay a hand on either one of them, they would be having an intimate look at the floor.

With much kindness, I hope you go back into therapy to help you deal with all of the negativity thats been handed to you.

Marcie.

 

[klmno]

I'm talking about the bro who tried to stick you know what in my mouth. I'm talking about a bro who always looked down his nose, lied about me etc. There's too much to get into. What's worse is that he taught difficult child stuff then called GAL and tried to say I was letting difficult child do these things. Please, I don't want to go thru it all again. He kissed my son on the lips when he was 11-12yo then turned and gave me a look like he could and would do whatever he wanted. He was calling my son behind my back telling him stuff and telling difficult child not to tell me. He was grooming my son. And yes he's gay, and still parties half the week. There's way too much to get into here.

Just delete the whole thread. Those who have never been thru this apparently can never understand the anguish this is causing me. There is NO way I can ever condone or feel at peace if my son is there.

If I turned my son over to my bro given this hx, they could charge me with failure to protect a child or being an unfit parent. They can do it and it appears to be perfectly understandable. You all don't know this guy.

I vowed first and foremost that my child would NEVER be molested by a family member and that no family member would ever have enough control over my child to put him in a position where that was likely to happen to him. I even drew a will up a month before he was born to try to make sure it couldn't happen if I died in childhood.

 

[Star*]

Okay okay - sometimes we (me collectively speaking) forget everything about details so it's sketchy - sometimes.

You're right though. If we haven't been through it? It's very hard to understand it. But don't delete this thread. This is the kind of stuff that you NEED to get out k....this is the kind of stuff that if you DO NOT talk to someone about it affects everything in your life. As your friend I want your life to be full, happy, and peaceful. Not chaotic, empty, and miserable. So when any of us posts things, and we think...hmmm I wonder if she sees this side of it - We post it. That's all. There's no ridicule in it, and no reason to be defensive. If I could remember everything about everyone here? I'd be working for NASA....or something and not unemployed and looking for a job and on unemployment.

So - quills down Momma porcupine! Know what I mean? klmno? If the brother is a turd? He's a turd. Fini! I am with Marci on the point about if someone did try to mess with difficult child they'd be on the floor - but I get where you're coming from too. I certainly didn't want to see Dude anywhere near bio-dad, but at some point you just have to say - I can't control things and that's okay. Certainly isn't easy with strong women - especially when the world has said "OH....what you need help??? Huh....well do that yourself." We've become so accustomed to doing EVERYTHING on our own because no one would offer help - that we just have done the best we could and then all of a sudden some BLOB steps in and says "No NO NO.....that's all wrong!!!" and we're left to wonder where the BLOB was when we said "Gosh I could use a little help." and got "Do it yourself." as the answer. VERY contradictory and confusing. I finally just stepped outside the Department of Juvenile Justice building and screamed a foul word at the top of my lungs one night until I had no air left in my lungs - like I completely deflated....I got stares, a sore throat, and told I needed to leave - but? I felt better to some degree that I got to yell at SOMETHING for my depression over the situation - then I went to therapy and worked it out.

See...I think a lot of people on the board hear the word....zzzza....."I hope you get therapy, or I hope you continue therapy." and think immediately "They're saying something is WRONG with me, I'm defective, I am broken, I am crazy, I'm not right." I heard "I am going to write you a prescription.....and thought Oahhhh good, a pill....and it was followed up with - to see a great therapist friend of mine....and IMMEDIATELY thought 'he thinks I'm nuts." Wrong. WRONG....

What I think NOW when I hear that? "She must care about me a lot to be brave enough to tell me - I need help." I mean it's okay for people to run up and say "You need rehab, or you need AA." and no one really has stigma about that - even in the real world we as CD Moms advocate for that....but as CD Mom's how many years have you yourself advocated for people to NOT treat difficult child differently because he has CD....he's the same as everyone else? Then get defensive about what your friends can see between the lines and you may not?....That's all.

I mean - ML said it simply and brilliantly and lovingly - OUR FRIEND klmno - NEEDS a break. I agree 1,000,000 % - I just don't know anyone that is going to do that FOR you - BUT you. And of course, we (your friends and family here) are HERE to help.

Maybe the Dad thing will work out. I mean - (shrug) who knows.....after 16 years his mind set could have matured and he could be in a place where he could be thinking about his son. Dudes Dad is still a major MAJOR crack head, womanizer, woman beater, animal abuser, non-working, suicidal, drug selling jerk.....BUT....maybe for your son? It would be a reunion of epic proportions - you just never know how these things go.

I was thinking something else - Is he old enough to go to a military camp where they have ROTC instead of a Group home? How about the peace corps or City year? Something that would keep him OUT of a group home environment and working as a team with other kids - and supervised? Can you check with the high school ROTC leader and ask if there is maybe an oppportunity school close to you where borderline troubled kids go to finish their education instead of group homes? Just thinking out loud. Or maybe some pre-military kind of thing to do with the police academy? Talk to the high school counselors and find out what there is for HIM with his abilities.

I know it has been such a stinky year - and believe me I did NOT mean to add to your stress with the reply....I just didn't remember everything and for that I am sorry. Hopefully somewhere in this reply there is something that lets you know that I care about you, I care about your son.....and I will keep my thinking cap on. I'm still kinda surprised that even foster care doesn't do background checks of sorts with home visits (random on weekends) when potential foster parents are tossing huge parties with alcohol and troubled teens may be present in the future. Golly someone should get pictures of that for DSS. ???

Anyway -
Hugs and Love
Star

 

[witzend]

I haven't read it all, but I do agree that you might be best served by playing your cards very close to your vest with these people. The more you explain, the more questions they have. The more questions they have, the more they start to look into every corner of your life. If they want to find something there, they will. Even if they have to twist it into their words. I know it's very hard - really I do - but try to not let yourself jump to conclusions. Conclusions come at the end. This isn't the end yet. Don't give them fuel for the fire.

 

[susiestar]

k,

I am so sorry that this whole situation has happened. It seems to be running of the fuel of lies told to and by your difficult child and everyone in the court system is buying into the lies. Even the blatantly stupid and illogical lies are being believed.

I do think that the more your wheel squeaks the more the system decides something is fundamentally wrong with it. So they are looking at wheels that don't squeak as loudly or as often regardless of whether those wheels roll with the program, away from the program or even roll at all.

Whatever ends up happening, I know you love your difficult child and are doing the best you can figure out how to do for him. The entire system is a difficult child and must learn by making awful mistakes that take their toll in the pain and suffering of the children and families they are supposed to serve.

Whatever happens, know you have done your best. That you truly have done everything you can to make sure that you keep the promises you have made to your son.

I am so sorry that the whole disastrous mess has happened. I wish it was easier to get through to your difficult child so that he knows the risks he is facing and that it is the lies he told and gave credence to even when he knew they were false that have brought about this end result.

I am so worried for you. I know the terrible toll this is taking on you. PLEASE be kind and gentle to yourself. Please.

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

 

[AnnieO]

Just hugs, k. I know it's rough on you... I don't know EXACTLY how it feels, but I know some. Let them do their thing first. Sit back, relax. More hugs!!!!!

 

[klmno]

Thanks, Ladies! I'm sorry I was so snappy while posting about the whole thing before. I saw difficult child today and I think maybe he's starting to come back to earth a little. He's saying he wants to live at home now so that helped relieved a little of my fear about him going to dss. And as long as I let them know that I had no reason to fear for my life or safety after he came home from Department of Juvenile Justice, they might not pursue that route. But I do feel sure that either the defense attny or GAL or both might try just as a defense for difficult child- like last year.

I'm going to use this nightmare situation with the house and loss of work as an opportunity to get out of this jurisdiction and start over. I don't know yet how little I'll have to start over with, but it sure won't be much. Everything I worked for the past 20+ years is has been wiped out. But you know, if I had to be wiped out I can't think of anything more important to use the "stuff"" for than fighting to keep custody of my own bio-son, advocating for him, etc. So while I'm not happy about it and wish I had done some things differently, I could never be like my mother who would have chosen to save her money no matter what happened to me.

Hopefully, the health benefits thru the VA will come thru soon and I can see an MD and a therapist soon- I already told them I'd want these appts asap.

I agree, as well, about keeping a low profile right now with the courts people. I know better than to even advocate for anything for difficult child right now- if I mentioned it, he wouldn't get it. The last time I went to court I had to sit and listen to these attnys and court services people- the oldest of which was probably early 30's and none looked old enough to have a child past the age of 5 if they have college dgrees- chat in their little clique while awaiting each of their court hearings. They were talking about which case goes to Department of Juvenile Justice, gets appealed, etc, and laughing about this parent or that parent who comes over their asking for something like Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or MH treatment and rolling their eyes about parents like that. If it isn't an idea of theirs, you can almost forget it happening.

But, there's another forum about courts and so forth and parents are really hammering this one and saying they have filed suits, or written letters, or submitted formal complaints. Given the way the psychiatric responded the other day, I'm wondering if the "higher ups" in the county were maybe alerted that they need to be overseeing some things a little more. They quit using that old GAL already- that's a good sign.

Anyway, I just want out of this jurisdiction and am ready to form a plan about starting over. I think this will give difficult child a better chance than coming back to the same friends and house he'd damaged. It was depressing for both of us. So whether it's in 10 days, 6 weeks, or 3-6 months, I don't plan on having the same frame of mind about it.

Star- the reason dss would not be checking my bro out any deeper is because he's a family member. It would still be a foster care placement though because it's not resulting from me being found unfit or having my parental rights terminated or me doing it willingly. They (dss) would be required to have review hearings every so often for one year, then after one year a court hearing is held and it is determined if parental rights should be changed from the parent to the custodian or if the child is to return to the parent. It's almost impossible for them to terminate my parental rights in a situation like this because this is not a cps case and I have not been found incompetent. That wasn't my worry. My worry was (and is) the damage and harm that could be done to difficult child during that time period.

difficult child and I also discussed the continuing impact of his lies last year where he blamed me instead of owning up to all he'd done. In this situation, think of the impact of difficult child saying "I have not been staying awake roaming the house at night- my Mom is just paranoid". While I, on the other hand, have phone records indicating phone calls being made from this house all night long and the phone had been placed in my bedroom when I went to bed. And keys were in my bedroom but somehow cigs were missing out of the trunk of my car. What some call my paranoia, I call their denial. LOL!! And the same with my bro- do you think he'd ever admit what all he'd done?

I'm waiting on my records from the military. If they have the slightest statement in there about my bro trying to molest me, it will prove that I didn't just make that up to prevent him getting difficult child because that was about 15 years before difficult child was born.

 

[klmno]

As a side note for those who have been fortunate enough to not have experienced these things, when a peer or stranger tries to bully a young teen into sex, the teen will fight it off or tell or whatever they can to defend their self in most cases. It is the "grooming" that preceeds the actual molestation that is so dangerous when it's a family member or someone close or well-known to the kid. It's the manipulation of the vunerable and trusting that allows it to happen and not get reported right away.

 

[TerryJ2]

As a side note for those who have been fortunate enough to not have experienced these things, when a peer or stranger tries to bully a young teen into sex, the teen will fight it off or tell or whatever they can to defend their self in most cases. It is the "grooming" that preceeds the actual molestation that is so dangerous when it's a family member or someone close or well-known to the kid. It's the manipulation of the vunerable and trusting that allows it to happen and not get reported right away.

I'm coming in late to this, but this section you wrote made me think of the "training" that my husband and I had to go to in order to volunteer at difficult child's school. A Catholic school. A church with-a history, Know what I mean??
They interviewed real kids and real perps, (I think the perps had to talk on film as part of their rehab) and it was truly amazing, how manipulative they were, how they were convinced they would never get caught, how they never, ever once considered the kids' feelings, how it was all a big kick for them.

And of course, those who were closest to the kids--family members, Boy Scout leaders--did the most long-term damage because no one suspected them.

Anyway, Klmno, does your son have any idea that he might be placed with-your brother? Has he made comments about your brother?
​

 

[klmno]

difficult child does not think there is any chance he will be placed with my bro because of being so deeply involved in the Department of Juvenile Justice system now and being 15yo. But, he has NEVER wanted to live with my bro and has always made that clear. But difficult child has different reasons than mine and doesn't believe that my bro would ever do anything to harm him- he thinks I'm just paranoid about "my concerns for his safety" with my bro. (I have never said in detail that I thought my bro would do something like this directly to difficult child.) Still, all the "grooming" signs were there. Of course, those in the courts who know that I was raped by my mother's bro think I'm just paranoid that my bro would do this to difficult child. I have said repetitively that I cannot say for sure my bro would- what I can say is that all the signs (actions, words, methods, etc) were there and that even if my bro wouldn't, there is his live-in SO in the picture who has never received MH treatment for his own sexual abuse as a very young boy by adult men, and the fact that these middle-aged men still have a life style of late parties with drinking and drugs and a house full of other gay men. If I had a young or teen daughter and I had parties of heterosexual men getting stoned in my house half the night, would that be safe? I don't think this is about homophobia- I think it's about what is high-risk or not for a young or teen child. What if one of these parties is going on and my bro passes out- what happens to my son? How is my son getting homework or anything done if he's allowed to drink and they are covering for him? So, difficult child's reasons are much different than mine, but no, he says he does not want to live there. He knows his "uncle" tried to set him up before (he did) but difficult child thinks it was to get him into trouble. It wasn't- it was to try to discredit me so he could get custody. That alone speaks volumes about whether or not a person has the child's best interest at heart.

There were many words my bro said to my son that my bro doesn't know I heard- a lot about talking to him more but trying to get difficult child to say he would not tell me. But the day my bro grabbed my son's face (difficult child was about 11-12), kissed him on the lips and then looked at me like "there, I have him where I want him and I'll do what I want and you can't stop it" was about all it took for me to know that I could never trust him. And remember- when difficult child was 12yo on an ankle bracelet and house arrest awaiting trial- my bro tried to get difficult child condoms to have sex with a 10yo girl. The age of consent in our state is 13yo. I tried to pursue charges against my bro then for contributing to the delinquency of a minor- two counts- one for difficult child and one for the girl. But the courts wouldn't let me because my bro had already filed for custody.

by the way- difficult child does know Iheard my bro say those things to him because it was difficult child who turned the volume up on the phone and walked next to me when my bro started saying those things- that's how I heard them. I don't think difficult child was old enough or wise enough to get why my bro would be wsaying things like that, but clearly, difficult child must have known it didn't sound "ok" or it made him uncomfortable.

I've always taught difficult child not to judge people for religious beliefs, etc, including sexual preference and I don't think he does. However, I do think he'd have a difficult time being comfortable spending his teen years sleeping across the hall from two grown men....well.....actively practicing.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending many hugs, k. Hope things settle down for you soon, and you get that much needed break.

 

[timer lady]

k, I understand your fears ~ really know the system inside/out (not juvie). wm has a GAL however she works with me for wm's best interest which is to keep him in placement because of his propensity to perpetrate &/or become aggressive with me & kt.

I know your fear of a dss placement - husband & I went through it time & again while waiting for a therapeutic group home. I, however, do not know your family situation nor have any understanding of your sibling situation. However, I'm watching the tweedles & what happened to them when they were used for porn before the age of 5. It's ugly. I'm sure you're PTSD.

I'm surprised that your state allows DSS to place a child into a home without a full background check (i.e. homestudy) including an evaluation if there is any question. Sounds like DSS is taking the easiest route whether it is in the best interests of the child.

Saying all that, at 15 your son should have some say in his placement. Along with that I agree that you should play this out quietly.

As someone who's been under this level of stress please don't borrow trouble that isn't here yet. Deal with today as best you can. You know what must be done & you're doing it; now is the time to work on you.

 

[klmno]

Yes, mental health profs who know my hx agree that I have PTSD and how symptommatic this is has varied through different phases of my life, which is probably typical for someone who had therapy to address it- or I should say, process trauma and learn coping techniques, etc.

I think what they are questioning is whether or not I'm dellusional or so paranoid that I'm perceiving a situation to be a threat to my son but the threat really doesn't exist- like a soldier who comes back from war and thinks everyone walking toward him is getting ready to pull out a hand grenade. Or, is it a sitaution where the threat is real and I'm flipping out over it- like a cop who's seen a previous partner get killed be a crminal so the next time he sees somebody pull a gun on a cop, he's ready to blow them to smitherines. My position of course, is that I'm the second. To me, if I had been paranoid that my bro would do that I wouldn't have let him know difficult child to begin with. They did have an uncle/nephew relationship until my bro started acting all weird and sneaking about difficult child and it could have gotten difficult child into bigger trouble and that's when I stopped communication from my bro.

I've never been dellusional- even before any therapy at all. When this sort of incident involves family members, therapists are usually more concerned that the child will grow up and continue these family patterns, passing it further thru the generations. For instance, statistics would show that without therapy, a child would either grow up and become an abuser themselves or go into denial and marry someone who abuses their kids. So therapy includes leearning about healthy family relationships, appropriate boundaries (emotional, expectatuions, etc- not just sexual), learning to spot "red flags" in others. I honestly beleive that I spotted red flags appropriately and had reason to believe my son would be at risk. There was every indication that my bro was trying to undermine the parent/child relationship here and that's a big red flag that something wasn't right- even if it was no more that parent alienation in order to get custody.

Keeping those statistics in mind, remember that my bro came from the same family I did, tried to molest me as a child, had other traumas as a child just like I did, and has never received ANY therapy or MH treatment at all. So which one is more likely to pass on more dysfunction?

Anyway, my bro is in a different state. It's my uunderstanding that since our dss has little to no funding, they automatically have to place a kid with a fammily member if they can find a willing one and my bro has gone on record as wanting my son any time, on any tterms. If difficult child was turned over to dss, our dss contacts the dss in my bro's state. They would do a home visit and check for sleeping arrangements for difficult child, reasonable cleanliness, etc. Almost anyone could pass that. I assume they would check to make sure the person wasn't on the sex offenders list but as far as I know, that's all they do. My bro would not have to meet the requirements of someone trying to become a foster parent for the system.

In my bro's state, people actively living a homosexual lifestyle (two partners living together) are not allowed to adopt a child, however, they are allowed to have a child live with them as a foster placement. Their state dss has a pretty bad reputation for keeping up with kids in their system and giving them appropriate placements.

 

[CrazyinVA]

All I want to add is, I have depression and anxiety. Mine was at its peak during Youngest's admission to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If your psychiatric evaluation shows that in you, well, who wouldn't in your situation?! I seriously doubt that will be an issue, unless they decide it's severe enough to keep you from functioning, in which case they could order you into treatment.

I know I asked this before, but have you checked in with your therapist recently? I realize you have no insurance right now but in my experience, therapists are more than willing to create sliding scales for former patients/clients when they're struggling and have no insurance. I think if you've already gotten a session in with a therapist, it will go a long way in showing that you're doing all you can to take care of yourself. It will also keep them from ordering you to see a therapist of their choosing.