I'm so tired

[flutterby]

Even attempting a general conversation results in little Miss Snippy Britches rearing her head. I swear, that child cannot stand the sight of me. Unless she needs something, of course.

I try. Lord, how I try. I let it roll off my back. I ignore the tone. I make light conversation. It doesn't matter. I cannot do anything right by her.

Today when I picked her up from school, there was a line of cars backed up all the way down the road. That is very unusual. Then I noticed a police car in the front parking lot of the school and another cruiser across the street, with an officer standing on the corner. I had to go around the block and come back through to be able to get her.

So, naturally, I asked her what was going on; if something happened. And out comes Miss Snippy Britches.

MSB: "I don't know", dripping with attitude.
Me: "I had to go around the block because it was so backed up."
MSB: "I KNOW. I SAW it."
Me: "There was a cop across the street, too."
MSB: " I TOLD YOU I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."
Me: "I was just making an observation. It was a statement, not a question. It did not require a response."

When I picked up difficult child 2, she told him about it and told him that cops were walking around the building, too. Gee, that would have been nice to know.

Any attempt to engage her pleasantly later in the day/evening, was met with hostility. She spent the evening in her room. Her choice.

Oh...and "I love you" is met with..... (barely audible) "K". "Good morning" and "Good night" are generally ignored. Occasionally, she will say, "Night". Occasionally. I still say them all the time, though.

Some may say that's typical teen, but she *never* says "I love you" to me. I haven't heard it in years from her. I can't remember the last time I heard her say it. easy child always said it, even when he was with friends. His friends always said it to their parents in front of peers and so did/does easy child's girlfriend.

Sometimes I think I should just take her queue and only talk when spoken to and quit trying so hard. Obviously, what I've been doing isn't working so maybe I should just do it. I don't know what is the right thing. I never have with her.

 

[timer lady]

Time to treat fire with fire or in difficult children case silence with silence. You don't need to engage difficult child. It would be nice to have a conversation with her but isn't a necessity.

AND why try right now? She's in a gnarly mood - can't say the reason; she simply is.

That means you also don't have to feed her (she can make her own food), do her laundry, drive her to school, etc until she starts treating you with a bit more respect; maybe starts acting like a human being.

Please know I'm not criticizing.....I've shut down on both kt & wm. I get fed up & that's it. And I refuse to push it...not worth the argument for me. Or the negative, snippy comments. I like my company.

Heather, hope things settle a bit for your difficult child.

 

[susiestar]

Sending lots of gentle hugs. It can hurt so much when they reject us in every way like that. I hope you know that it is not YOU, that the problem is in HER, no matter what she tries to blame it on. You did not cause this. You have done nothing to deserve to be treated this way.

Even knowing that, it still hurts.

I agree with Linda. Until she starts to treat you decently most of the time she doesn't really NEED anything from you.

I am sorry this is her chosen behavior.

 

[Wiped Out]

Oh Heather,
I'm sorry, I can totally relate to your tiredness of the entire situation. My easy child (and please know I'm trying to figure out if she is really more difficult child so I'm not comparing it to typical teen) is very similar in some ways and I'm sure it is magnified in your difficult child. I like Linda's and Suise's advice. Sending the gentlest of hugs your way.

 

[GoingNorth]

I'm tending towards her needing a reality check. You have literally bent over backwards trying to find ways to make her happy and she is taking advantage of this.

By law you are required to provide her with a place to sleep. A mattress on the floor is fine. She needs nutritious food provided. Doesnt have to be her favorite stuff. Sandwiches and stuff are just fine.

She has to have clothing. You can dole that out daily and it shouldn't be her favorite stuff. She doesn't need makeup or anything like that.

She doesn't need electronics.

Strip her environment down to the bare basics required by law and make it very clear that the only way to earn back the goodies is by respectful treatment of you.

She may go screaming to CPS. Let her. So long as you are within the law, there is nothing CPS is going to do about a spoiled child being made to learn a lesson.

If you do this, lock up all sharps in case she starts cutting--it's a risk in borderline sufferers.


I'd also made medication compliance a part of what she has to do to earn back her privileges. You can't force her to take medications, but you sure can make it much easier and nicer for her to comply.

 

[KTMom91]

HUGS...

I agree that it's time to fight back. Don't do anything for her. I refused to drive Miss KT to school, gave her a bus pass, and waved goodbye. She promptly threw out/gave away the bus pass. Tough toenails. She walked. Dinner was what I wanted to fix, and I made no attempt to fix something she would like. There's peanut butter and pasta. Knock yourself out. No lunch money? Take your lunch like the rest of us. If you aren't going to behave like a civilized human being, I'm not going to deal with you.

 

[flutterby]

I have to take her to school. No busing from our house and she would get lost. She gets lost in her own neighborhood. I am, however, working on getting her a GPS through MR/daughter that should take care of that problem.

I stopped making her lunch a couple weeks ago. She's perfectly capable of that. She's only made her own a couple of times. But, she also gets free lunch at school. I can't help it if she refuses to use it.

She marched in today and told me that we need to go to the grocery store. I told her that there is plenty of food in the house. I just went yesterday and she couldn't tell me anything she wanted. So, I told her that next time I go, I'll let her know.

Of course, she glared at me and slammed her door. Oh, well. That is the only conversation we've had today.

 

[wakeupcall]

Heather, my difficult child is exactly the same. I'm tired, also. He canNOT say a civil word to me and it's getting old, mighty fast. He says things like, "I TOLD you that FIVE times!!!" First of all, he did not, and second of all.....the tone is incorrigible. I'm ready to throw in the hat. Yesterday, I asked him if he wanted to go live somewhere else. I can arrange that. I know it isn't making him feel very secure since he's adopted, but there's only so much a mother can take and I'm about at the end of my rope. Just like you.

 

[flutterby]

Thank you all for the support. I second guess myself so much with difficult child and it's nice to have backup.

I feel so drained when I spend anytime with her. Isn't that awful? I hate it. I want to be able to enjoy time with her, but instead my guard is up waiting for each little explosion or jab.

I am standing my ground, however. And I have to tell you, she is incredulous. I, however, feel like this is the right thing to do. I am also starting to not feel like a punching bag anymore.

AND, she is going to difficult child 2's mom's next weekend. I don't know if she'll spend the night, but she will be away for a bit.

AND, I now have 2 days a week with no one in the house until 2:30. I haven't had that in a very long time. I'm going to really start enjoying it - aside from just being amazed at how quiet and stress-free it is.

ETA: It says something when I saw my therapist last week and said the only one in my house that I like right now is difficult child 2. And he's on probation and it's only been about a month (or so) since I called the police on him, for crying out loud. There has been a lot of stress, too, with easy child and girlfriend; but that seems to be under control now.

 

[ML]

I don't have anything to add except to say my prayers are with you. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.