I'm still fuming

[tiredmommy]

I went to high school with a mostly nice group of kids from all backgrounds. But there were a few girls that were horrible; just plain mean. They made some classmates' lives a living hell. Not mine, because I would tell them off but many other kids suffered under their "mean girl" personas. And if they were caught by a teacher or other adult? They would claim a misunderstanding or that they were "just joking".

So fast forward 25 years to last night. I went grocery shopping after dinner and ran into one of these high school divas. She smiled brightly when she recognized me and said: "Gee, you haven't changed a bit since graduation! Well, except for the 40 or 50 lbs you've gained since then."

To which I replied: "And I see you haven't changed either. You're still the same petty and mean-spirited you were 25 years ago."

"Oh, I was just joking... I hope I didn't offend you."

"Well, I'm not joking and I am offended."

And I walked away.

So what do you think? Does couching an insult by saying "just kidding" or "just joking" or even "no offense intended" make it an acceptable statement to another person? I think if you have to tell someone that poking fun at them is funny, then it's no joke. It's rude and offensive to presume it's okay to do that. It angers me to think that this woman has children that she's teaching to be hurtful toward others all in the name of good clean fun.

 

[buddy]

OH HE77 NO!

I would have been speechless... you did amazing!

Really horrible behavior. No one should say such a thing. (unless about themselves)

 

[Ktllc]

You could not come up with a better reply!! Good job sending that *Beep* off.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

TM, I agree with Buddy - I would have been totally speechless, standing there with my mouth hanging open. That you thought of a response so quickly and put her in her place puts you on my hero list!!!!

And the "I'm just kidding" doesn't change or lessen the hurt. It's like the lesson we give our kids about harmful words - "Squeeze me some toothpaste out of the tube will you? Oh no, not that much, put some of it back." Words are like toothpaste, once they are out, they can't go back in......

Sharon

 

[Kathy813]

Oh no she didn't . . .

You had the perfect answer.

 

[HaoZi]

Sounds like she's trying to CYA to me, and you handled it just fine.

 

[donna723]

Good for you! I think you did great! I always seem to think of those good come-backs later on, what I should have said but couldn't think of quick enough. And apparently that woman hasn't changed a bit! And saying something nasty like that to someone you haven't seen for years? Who does that?!?! And most people, even if they were like that in high school, go on to mature and grow up some later on ... apparently not her! We used to have a woman like that at work. She would come out with some of the most outrageous stuff, then when called on it, she would claim she was only kidding or that she didn't mean it like that. That was her cop-out. She would act so hurt, like she had been misunderstood, she would never purposely hurt someone's feelings, etc., etc! Nobody ever believed her. Of course she meant it to be just exactly as nasty as it sounded! And if the one she said it to was still mad (and they always were) then she'd cry! That didn't work either! We'd all seen it so many times ...

 

[trinityroyal]

Does couching an insult by saying "just kidding" or "just joking" or even "no offense intended" make it an acceptable statement to another person?

It certainly doesn't make it acceptable. In a way it's worse than an out-and-out insult, since the "can't you take a joke" statement asks someone to participate in her own bullying, or be accused of not having a sense of humour. She was a bully in high school, she's still a bully now, and you were right to call her on it.

The only thing I think you could have done differently is to not let her see that she could still get to you. Sounds to me like she's still bullying because she's not got anything worthwhile to occupy her attention, so getting a rise out of people is how she gets her power. The cruellest thing in the world to someone who's being mean to you is to respond with mild indifference, even amusement. If you can say something similar to what you said, but with a slightly amused and uncaring smile, she would wither and slink away.

 

[shellyd67]

I am so proud of you TM !!!

I would have told her A** off too !!!

 

[Wiped Out]

Definitely not acceptable. I am so proud of you for saying what you did!!

 

[AnnieO]

You're on my hero list, too.

Some people never grow up, never grow out of that koi. UGH. You did great!

 

[Steely]

OMG --- SO Impressed with YOU!!!! I would have probably been speechless --- Way To Go! Joking my bum -- more like trying to cover her bum -- what a group of shallow morons.

 

[Nancy]

I went to school with a lot of those mean girls too. I was considered on the other side of the tracks. I lived far from the school and took 4 city buses to get there. They all lived a lot closer to the school from wealthier neighborhoods. My parents sent me there to get away from the schools near us that were pretty rough. I've learned over the years that when people are so ignorant to say mean hurtful things to call them on it so I usually say "that was mean." They usually have no answer to that and it gets my point across.

But I loved your response.

Nancy

 

[KTMom91]

Sounds like a great response to me!

And yes, I'd be fuming, too.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh TM...I know so many people today who still think they are so much better than everyone else and like to show it off. You are my hero.

 

[Malika]

No, indeed... being mean to others because of one's own insecurities, projected onto others, and then denying all desire to offend is indeed... unskilful.

 

[Hound dog]

Many a truth is said in jest.

In other words, often people hide behind..........oh, it was just a joke sort of deal, but it's what they're really thinking and feeling.

husband did it a couple of times, but my response wasn't hidden behind a "joke" and I was a tad vicious on purpose. He stopped quickly.

I had to have this conversation with easy child's husband a while back. Most of the time I think his comments are innocent enough......but still, one must think about what comes out of their mouth. He's vastly improved.

You handled her perfectly. lol Hopefully she won't be so quick to bite the next person.

 

[DammitJanet]

thats true too Lisa, I hadnt thought of that. Many people do say things they really mean and then when confronted about their comment hurting someone's feelings, they will say they were just kidding or they didnt mean it. Saw an example of that on the news. Sad.

 

[lovemysons]

Tiredmommy,
You ROCK!

LMS

 

[TerryJ2]

LOVE your response! YOU GO!