Thank you all ... husband and I have been struggling with the whole concept of being the ones to choose Molly's time to go ... even though she was severely ill. I keep wondering if stronger pain medications and supportive care would have been a better option. I can't get the moment out of my head when she looked at us so trustingly, just before the vet gave her the final injection. She trusted us to do the right thing. While I know it's commonly, maybe universally held, that euthanasia IS the right thing when an animal is very ill, I'm second-guessing myself and feeling like a really, really bad person. I won't ever do this again with any of my other animals.
But I can't take this decision/action back.
Breeding cats has changed my attitude toward animals in ways I never expected. I'm not carrying on with the breeding program as I originally set it up because I can't stomach bringing these little ones into the world for the purpose of selling them. I feel I'm trafficking in lives - not human, but definitely sentient, conscious, aware, emotionally connected, intelligent little beings who communicate very clearly and have their own life agendas. I do feel a responsibility of guardianship for the animals I have in my care, but I'm starting to think that that commitment doesn't give me life and death power over either the beginnings or ends of their lives. More a relationship of stewardship and care, without the power.
I'm not bringing this up with an intention of making anyone else feel bad about decisions they've made for their animals in the past, and I'm not trying to start an argument. Please forgive me if my thoughts on this give offense.
I'm rambling a bit, I guess. But I will never euthanize one of my animals again, any more than I'd euthanize my elderly mother in law. I don't think it's an authority I possess.