Just generally losing it...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gowildsafely, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. gowildsafely

    gowildsafely Just trying to hold on

    Hi all...I'm a newbie here...

    This is me venting...story of my/our lives kind of thing. Any input, thoughts, suggestions for support, etc. are always welcomed.

    difficult child was always a little "different" than others his age. Finally diagnosis started at age 5. First, ADHD, then behavioral disorders such as Bi-polar, maybe ODD, some discussion (later dismissed) on Aspergers. And on we go. constant struggles with the schools, the IEP, long, weary battles.

    **Fast forward**

    Dealing with life and a difficult child. Trying to make every day worth living for him and the little one. Then...BOOM...April '07...Spouse (ugh) calls Me at work, says he's just not coming home - EVER. HUH? As details roll in, turns out had paramour who was pregnant, quit his job because that's where she worked, he moves in with her. Huh?

    Moving forward, we have to sell the family home, and due to market, at no profit, strictly loan value.

    I move, with my children to a tiny apartment to try to make a life on our own. I find a great school (lots of research) and daycare. difficult child gets his IEP, long discussions with the school, principle, Special Education, etc. difficult child starts school, is doing well, adapting. Then...

    BOOM...

    September 11, 2007...difficult child had been dealing with a lot of sharp pains, nose bleeds, and sporadic joint swelling...after many, MANY, mis-diagnosis...difficult child is found to have Cancer...Leukemia to be exact. Sigh...

    3.5 years of chemo...hospitals, clinics, procedures, etc. on top of psychologists, psychiatrists...so on and so on...

    difficult child doing well, then behaviors kick back in full force. Out bursts and meltdowns at school. Fighting with me. I have no support from EX, no financial, etc. Job is at risk, lost many many hours, lost pay, trips to doctors./Hospital 2+ hours away.

    Generally speaking, I don't know how much more I can handle? I have no money, no close family, it's just me and my boys all the time. EX takes them every other weekend (when he chooses not to back out at the last minute) and I have no social life. No one visits, I'm broke - financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally....the list goes on...just broke.

    Like I said, I'm not necessarily asking for device, but I don't know how much more I can take...and just writing that I feel horrible guilt because he's (difficult child) the one who's truly suffering.

    What's a mom to do?:depressed::anxious:

    Thank you for listening...God bless...
     
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I am so sorry to hear you have all this on your shoulders. It is no wonder that you feel the way you do. You have found a good group of understanding people here who will offer many hugs and support.

    Others will come along and respond- I'm off to a hearing and can't write more right now. In the meantime, hang in there and remember that you have found friends here!
     
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Welcome! In the first place, don't feel guilty for writing this: you're beat to h*ll with what's gone on.

    Where's the child support? If you're not getting it, go to court and do so (I'd LOVE to get my hands on this guy for you!).

    Second: have you checked into soc. security disability for your son?

    Third: contact your local Department of Disabilities and Mental Retardation. Since Aspergers is a neurological disability, you may qualify for all sorts of respite care, counseling, clubs, social skills training, etc.

    I wish I could come and give you a break - unfortunately I can only send a strong hug a wish and a prayer. We've got some strong shoulders to cry on here and some laughs to add to it.

    I'm really glad you found us!

    Welcome!

    Beth
     
  4. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    (((HUGS))) What an awful position to be in! You have so much going on!! Feel free to vent at will - sometimes that alone is a comfort. I do understand how beaten you are feeling, but you've made it this far - give yourself credit for being this strong. I wish I had something more eye opening to say, but this is a great group of people all going through their own personal hell - they are incredibly supportive and I hope that is a little bit of comfort for you. More (((HUGS)))
    -Dara
     
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi and welcome - so very glad you found us!

    Wow. You certainly have been through the wringer and then some. First off, please be gentle to yourself. This is a safe place to vent and you will receive tons of support. Do not feel guilty for feeling boxed in and frustrated. I think that's at the very least a normal feeling. I read an interesting blog several months ago talking about the concept of the "martyr mother", moms who take care of children with disabilities who insist that it's not a huge strain. Now, I've always been one of those moms and I truly don't see it as a huge strain.... most of the time. But there are times when it's a bit more than challenging and there are moments when I want to throw myself on the floor and pitch the biggest difficult child-like fit ever about how unfair it all is - to my 2 sons with disabilties, to my 2 kids without disabilities, to me and husband, just in general. I think that makes me human because quite frankly, having a sick kid and having all the perqs that come with it (hospital bills, time constraints, severe limitations on even being able to do "normal" family activities, etc.) is the absolute pits sometimes. Yes, your son is sick. But I think it's healthy for you to gripe about it and griping *doesn't* make you a bad mother. It sounds like you have done a truly phenomenal job of holding your family together under the worst possible set of circumstances. Give yourself the much due credit and allow yourself some private moments of "oh my gosh, how did we get here??".

    I can only suggest taking it one day at a time - one minute at a time on those really *really* rotten days. I would try to get the ball rolling to get ex to at least step up financially. I also wonder if difficult child might qualify for SSI/Medicaid during his treatment? Might be worth looking into.

    Glad you found us!
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome and I'm so sorry for all those horrible things happening. Do you ever make time for yourself, at least while your child is in school? For money, ever consider a telecommute job? I know they exist, but don't know much about them. (((Hugs))) You're in a touch spot.
     
  7. Calista

    Calista New Member

    You will get so much advice here that you wan't remeber it all, but here are some suggestions/ideas:

    Can you get a job at the day care? It will reduce your care costs and give you some income. It may even allow you to take difficult child there when he can't go to school.

    Can you get a job as a substitute teacher where you can choose your hours and be home when necessary?

    Have you reported your loser EX to the Attorney General in your state for lack of child support payment? This won't cost you money and court will. It will also cost him headaches when he tries to get any kind of license.

    Have you attempted to locate legal services through a community services agency?

    Do you have a children's hospital nearby where you can get psychiatric/neuro evaluations?

    I hope you feel more support and in control now that you have found us. We are always here. Sometimes the board is slow but people are always checking in.
     
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I don't have any specific advise as far as getting child support, etc...

    But I have a really big shoulder you can cry on!! And you deserve some crying/griping/venting time. The whole situation stinks and you are doing the very best you can!!!

    And your best is pretty dang spectacular!! Your family is still a family, regardless of the hardships!! YOU have done that!!!

    Sending lots of hugs,

    Susie
     
  9. gowildsafely

    gowildsafely Just trying to hold on

    thanks so much for all the kind words!

    I have checked into other work options, however, it would really lower my pay and eliminate his health insurance - the bills (with insurance thank god) are already over 300K just for the cancer. So, changing jobs isn't really an option...I wish it was. My employers are being supportive to a degree, and they are working on getting me networked in from home so if there are issues, I can still work.

    Regarding legal aid, financial bologna...well, I contacted legal aid, and I make too much money - no regard for medical bills. I do have his applications in for SSI, but no answers on that yet. I even contacted a legal volunteer group...I don't qualify. It's a frustrating system that we're trying to work through here.

    But thank you again, a million times over...
     
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