juvenille shelter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Sep 30, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I dropped difficult child I (17) off there this evening. I am feeling very uneasy and worried. I am questioning myself, wondering if I over reacted to his nuclear meltdown. As he stated "I've been worse then this Mom". But I have hit the enough is enough place. Of course I will never forgive myself if anything happens to him while he is there. I am emotionally exhausted. I feel like there's nothing out there left to try for this kid! Who would have thought having kids would be so heartbreaking>?

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry, AOG. Do you want to tell us what happened? I know you've had a hard time dealing with him- and he hasn't been treating you right. Again, I'm sorry things got to this point. He's 17yo, he'll be able to manage better than you think he will. But I'm sure it hurts.
  3. maril

    maril New Member

    Hi, amazeofgrace. I'm new here but wanted to send hugs and am crossing my fingers that all goes well for you and difficult child. I am hanging out on the computer (actually am supposed to be writing out my bills) but am down in the dumps about my 17-year-old difficult child. Our lives are pretty much turned upside down right now, and I can relate to you.

    Just know that someone out here in cyberspace is thinking of you and wishing you the best. Take care.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    OK, what did I miss? Or am I just being forgetful? I'm searching the old posts and don't see the meltdown anywhere.

    Whatever it was, I trust your judgment to have handed him over to a different living situation. The comment "I have been worse before" is very telling. He sees each incident as it's own, and I'm betting he doesn't hold a grudge against himself when he has been out of line. It sounds as though he was testing to see how far he could go in a particular meltdown before you had enough. You are seeing it as a lifetime of too much. ;)

    I have to point out that he has been treading a thin line between the safety of home and the danger of his own decisions for quite some time. It's just as likely that he would make some stupid decision that would get him hurt while living in your home as he will get hurt in a shelter. In fact, I think it's more likely he would do something stupid and get hurt at home than in a shelter. The hardest thing for him to learn is that no one gives a rats rear about his individuality at a shelter. He's a mouth to feed, a bed to fill, and he doesn't have to be happy about the chores he has to do, the food that they feed him, or the decoration of the room.

    I don't know how stubborn he is. He may not say a thing to you about how hard it is. I think he isn't going to be a college grad in four years, but he can still be a happy adult. I hope that you won't worry too much, although I know you will worry. {{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}
  5. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    well he refused to meet with the SW when she came at 3PM today, she left, he started getting in my face, I asked him to back off, he went into the "you're a #$%#" and "you're a $%$%%", slamming furniture, punching walls. My friend came to tutor difficult child II. difficult child I is still refusing to go to another room of the house, at this point I should've opted for being non reactive, but I didn't. My friend asked him to listen to me and leave the room. He made a snyde remark to her, he then went in his room, I went to shut the door, he threw an air punch at me, causing me to flinch, he chuckled, then slammed his door open into the wall. I dialed 911. An officer came, but couldn't/wouldn't do anything. My friend leaves after tutoring difficult child II for an hour. I called the SW, she called mobile and then came back to the house, difficult child I's in home therapist (who was expected) showed up in the middle of all this and tried to calm him down and reason with him. SW and mobile response counselor show up and all 4 of us are now talking to him. Then difficult child II's new Behavioral assistant shows up in the middle of all this. Sigh...... "hello this is my life"............

    I am truly 2 steps shy of being committed!
  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    he's an F5 on the stubborn scale!
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Nope- don't doubt yourself another minute. Enough is enough. I know I put up with a lot, intermittently with my son, but he's 13yo and I am counting days instead of limiting days right now. But, the day does come when Mom has had enough. You know he wasn't going to improve or change without somthing major happening. It will have to be dealt with from a different angle now.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are hurting and scared.

    just because this wasn't his worst meltdown, or most violent, doesn't mean that you didn't do the right thing. I kNOW that having the sheriff take my difficult child to the shelter when I did was the right thing. Previously he had almost killed his sister, we let him come home. He HAD beaten me more severely than he did that day. But THAT day, when he was beating me, I had had ENOUGH. TOO much sometimes is ENOUGH.

    This may just make a man out of your son - IF you don't "rescue" him from the shelter or his own decision. I know that my parents took my son, and I really did not want that. I was trying to get him into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). BUT they wound up making whatever needed to happen happen, and now MY difficult child is pretty much a easy child.

    YOUR difficult child NEEDS to see you NOT back down from this decision. The decision that you will NOT be threatened, intimidated, disrespected, or otherwise mistreated. It may also help your younger difficult child learn to respect you.

    It is going to hurt. For a LONG time. He is going to say he hates you. That is going to hurt too. I can tell you that it took almost 2 years before I could look at baby pics of either of my boys (they look so alike at the same ages, so both of their baby pics hurt terribly).

    A lot of other moms here have experience with this. Talk to us, vent to us, let us support you, even if family or the ex and inlaws won't. Let us be here for you. Know we are. If you want my phone number to talk, let me know. Or I will call you to talk if you want.

  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did what you needed to do. I know it must hurt like crazy. Know that we are here to support you. Gentle hugs and prayers for your hurting heart.
  10. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Hope this can wake him up, you have been working yourself sick trying to help both of your difficult child's, maybe this wake up call will help. Try to recharge a little bit and know you have done your best out of love every step of this roller coaster ride.
  11. Kieran

    Kieran New Member

    My son(16) is currently in a shelter. I felt enough was enough and I will not let him dictate how I live my life. Selfish? maybe, but my 6 yr old easy child and husband deserve better, as do I.
    He ended up court ordered into the shelter after throwing a candle at my husband and slamming my back door so hard the glass shattered out of it. I have had enough.
    Stay strong and know that their choices are their own.
  12. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Let's see, you couldn't calm him down. Your friend couldn't calm him down. The POLICE couldn't calm him down. The SW and her circle couldn't calm him down. And he feels he's been worse???? Worse in creating more havoc and damage, maybe. But not worse in the refusal to behave like a civilized human. Most calm down for authorities. If they don't, the authorities usually lock them up at least until they do calm down. So, I'd say he's lucky he only got a teen shelter.

    From the sound of it, you really didn't have much choice. While it was "just" an air punch, it was a very violent act and the chuckle after you flinched is downright ugly.

    My daughter spent a weekend at a teen shelter. Unfortunately, she loved it there -- no chores, a dog to play with, PlayStation and MTV. When it was time to come home, she claimed she was afraid of me and that I was beating her. What a fun merry-go-round that was! Most teen shelters are far different from adult shelters. The kids frequently have private rooms. They have activities for them. They're supervised. So, I wouldn't be overly concerned about his getting hurt there. The odds are higher he would get hurt at home and on the loose then there.

    Here's hoping his stay there is not pleasant and that he gets an epiphany. You did what you had to do. You didn't do it because of this one time but because of the many times before, the escalation, the threat of what is to come.

  13. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry. I know you are worried and heartbroken but you did the right thing!!! I wish we had something like that here, where I could just drop my difficult child off. I would probably use that service weekly.

    He will be fine. You need to take care of you too.

    Hang in there. :)
  14. prescottsunshine

    prescottsunshine prescottsunshine

    Dear amazeofgrace,

    You and I are on the same boat and it is a slow boat to China. I so relate to your comment about being a few steps away from being committed. My heart goes out to you like crazy. Though my son is 13 and yours is 17, I so relate to the violent, abusive language and actions and of being scared in your own home. I just left work because my neighbor who is watching my son while he is suspended called to tell me he stole a bottle of vodka and took off. Now I am at home debating whether I should call the Sherriff or not, whether it would be worse for my son to go to juvee or to be here. I really don't know what to do. I hear you when you say you are scared something is going to happen to him. I feel that same way. And I am amazed that you report you have so many services in place. How did you get a SW and a counselor? I don't have anything for my son except a very expensive psychiatrist.

    Please know that I am thinking of you today and sharing your grief...
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hey, you've got a break for a few days. That's worth something.
    You can call juvie and talk to the probation ofcr for info while your son is in there, right? Maybe that will help put your mind at ease.

    Oh, by the way, I agree, you don't have to say that this wasn't the worst case. It was bad enough, and part of a pattern. That's enough. Don't second guess yourself.

    Best of luck.
  16. tonime

    tonime toni

    Sending you lots of (((hugs))). You did what you needed to do. I agree with some of the others-- the shelter may teach him a little about the real world. I know it stinks. I know it hurts. But-- you do love him-- hang in there. Remember-- you have difficult child II to worry about also. How is he handling this?
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    How is it going today?
    Any news?
    How long will he be there?
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ask a good attny about all this AOG- unfortunately, here, no one seems to know juvenile law. (I'm assuming that they still have your son under juvenile law, not in adult court.) The cops, attny.'s, even the GAL and PO either didn't know answers to my questions or told me wrong answers. But, even though difficult child is considered an adult at 18yo (in this state), the judge gave him a sentence that is suspended until he's 21. Now, the judge also gave him prior sentences that she had to change later because she found out she wasn't allowed to give him those sentences for what he'd done and being younger than 13 yo. If it's true that she really can make a sentence stick until he's 21, I figure it has advantages and disadvantages. First, the suspension will last that long, which is bad, but, if he does something wrong at 19 or 20 (assuming he actually waits that long to do something wrong again), this would keep him in juvenile court, until and unless juvenile court transferred him to adult court. That could be a good thing.

    Anyway- back to your situation- a juevnile judge can order him to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) until he's 21, I think, so if he did walk, he would be facing the judge again for not complying with the order. But, I'm not sure what your overall goal is as far as him coming home to live. So, maybe an in-home therapist could help more. One thing- an in-home therapist would be addressing other members in the household, not just difficult child 1, I believe, so maybe that could help difficult child 2.