Looking for his next victim

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Jun 27, 2013.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Right after I told difficult child that he was on his own and the Bank of Mom had closed, difficult child decided to contact his bio-dad. The one who gave him up when he was a toddler.

    Bio dad came. Then he returned and took difficult child to see his relatives, most of whom difficult child had never met. Bio dad also filled difficult child's all too eager head full of lies about me. The story is FAR FAR worse than anything you could possibly imagine in terms of the level of betrayal. I'd post details but don't want to run the chance of anyone googling and finding this.

    Bio dad can't have difficult child live with him (cue violins...) cause he has sooo many problems in life. It appears none of the other 'loving' relatives offered difficult child a place to stay either.

    So, difficult child came back to town with a used car courtesy of one of them. (I figured they gave it to him to get him to come back here and away from them.) difficult child contacted me. I talked to him for a long time. difficult child has decided he was never abused and I am a total liar. His evidence is that all these people told him the same story about me and I tell a different story. I show him independent documents and try to get him to understand that a letter bio-dad wrote to someone is NOT evidence but bio-dad's opinion. difficult child isn't listening.

    He does ask me to pay his rent for the month and for a small amount of money for gas. I punt on the rent. I give him the other. I know it was dumb but I was totally in shock at that point.

    Meet with difficult child a day later. I tell him I don't support people who don't trust me. We talk a lot. He says things like, "I must have lied about being abused." Yeah...sure. He makes some strange statements about bio-dad, things like, "I doubt we will talk much at all." and "I understand why you divorced him." I asked him to explain the last one. He said, "Please don't back me in a corner."

    Yes, I believe he was clean and sober during both discussions.

    I end up paying the rent. Call it a parting gift.

    I have spoken with difficult child once in the last week. He still doesn't have a job. Doesn't appear to worried about it. Sold the car. Bought something cheaper so he is sitting on a pile of cash. That won't last long. And no, he hasn't offered to pay me back any of the money he owes me or for the rent, etc I just paid.

    The key phrase during that call was this one - "I talked to Dad. Told him I was still talking to you. He said he is okay with it"

    I did not respond. But after all these years of raising this child by myself, with no financial support or any support from bio-dad....isn't that sweet of him to approve that difficult child and I still speak?!?

    I believe difficult child is playing one side against the other in a huge way. I'm not playing. I'm not even on the field anymore nor am I in the stadium.

    I have no reason to contact difficult child. I can do nothing to solve his problems and refuse to be a part of them anymore. Remember - don't dial pain.

    My level of disappointment in my child's choices and behaviors is beyond description. This isn't driven by addiction. He simply doesn't care about himself, me or anyone else. He didn't want to restart a relationship with bio-dad, or anyone else. He was only looking for his next victim.
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AG, let him go with your blessing. We know that they will figure him out in time (probably sooner than later) but at least you will have peace and quiet for now. That would be the last money I would give him, though. Let his new found relatives support him for a while.


  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    It always amazes me that you can be right in the thick of a complicated situation, yet be able to step back and assess it from the outside. That is a gift I wish I possessed. I admire you very much for seeing things as they are, rather than as you wish they would be.
    As RE often says, surround him with loving thoughts, and as Kathy says, let him go with your blessing. You've done all you could, you've mothered well, now look after yourself. You've taken enough emotional abuse from his bio dad and from your son; it's wise of you to take a step back now. I know you will pray for him, but you cannot be a party to his manipulations any longer - it's best that you recognize this already. You're a very strong lady, and you will continue to get stronger. I'm so sorry he and his bio dad have hurt you - compartmentalize it and move on - you're such a valuable person in everyone's eyes here on this board. Loving, caring thoughts being sent your way...
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I agree with everyone else...your strength is amazing!

    I know how you feel - I think all of our difficult children look for their next s*cker. I told my difficult child that she uses people and s*cks them dry and then moves on to the next... :( I think she knows it, too...
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I agree, difficult child is using anyone and everyone.

    Good for you for not being "played" back and forth with the bio-dad game.

    Prayers for peace for you...You so deserve it!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As a former difficult child, please believe me that we do know how to manipulate people if we want to do that. It sounds like your son was taught by an expert. Or he is learning on the fly and quickly. You can do no more for him. From what I have read in your posts you seem to be quite afraid of him. You need to let him go and take your life back. Dont give him the satisfaction of seeing your fear. That gives him the upper hand. Pretend he is a stranger or a former friend you dont want anything to do with anymore. If at some point later in his life he changes his tune, you will know it. Then will be the time to renew a relationship but now is not the time to be in contact with him. These kids will make it on their own. They are like cats and always land on their feet.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you AG.... I agree with others, this is a good time to detach as much as you can. I totally understand helping your son out with the rent... I might have done the same. Our heartstrings get pulled and we want to help them. I do want to say try not to take personally the fact that your difficult child contacted his bio-dad.... you havent shared all the details but I gather he was quite young when you left and so he may not remember being abused.... it is common to not remember very traumatic events... and it is also common for children to want to have some kind of relationship with abusive parents. So my guess is that although contacting his bio-dad was probably partly manipulative on his part, it might not be only that.... and it might not have had that much to do with his feelings to do with you and a lot to do with his own feelings about his dad and what happened.

    And that too is something he will have to figure out for himself... and my bet is that it wont take long for him to figure out what his bio dad is really like and who in his life has really been there for him (obviously you).