Losing Hope

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Zardo, Mar 13, 2013.

  1. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    It's been a long week since difficult child's arrest. He continued with IOP and we had in-home services in place for family counseling. His behavior was up and down. The rift between he and husband became unmanageable and they almost came to blows in the middle of the night one night when difficult child refused to go to bed, husband confronted him (somewhat aggressively) and things got out of hand. difficult child ended up taking the last material posession from him that night, his laptop. When I got home from work later the next day, difficult child had retaliated by moving the 50" TV the husband got for his birthday to his room to hide it and then took a treasured picture that we had of a ski trip we took with difficult child as a 4 year old. It was me, husband and difficult child - he scratched out husband's face in the picture. Troubling. We made it to Rehab yesterday so we have respite for now. After difficult child's initial meeting with the therapist there, she has already expressed concerns to me with any plan that includes him going home after 28 days. She said there are too many issues and too many concerns. The conflict with Dad being on of them, his best friend trying to break a heroine addiction the other, him now being in a very unstructurred home schooling situation, etc. She did not want to rule it out yet, it's just the first day, but I coiuld see the wheels in motion. I don't necessarily disagree. difficult child refuses any lmitis or rules, will not comply and constantly questions them, demands an explaination then argues against it. With me, I stay calm and won't engage so it doesn't escalate. With husband, he loses it and can't understand "what's wrong with this kid". It breaks my heart, he is my son, why can't he live at home with us....but I can see why. I am worried in a way that I have never been worried before. What kinds of long-temr programs are there? My husband refuses to fund any program but doesn't think he should come home. Through most of the journey with difficult child, I have remained strong - today I feel so weak. I feel like there is no hope.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What options does the rehab give you for aftercare? Often they will help place him in a structured environment that you can afford. I would be calling them now to see what they can suggest because 28 days go fast.

    Also does this rehab center have any parent education classes? They were very helpful to us in teaching us what we should and should not do when dealing with our addict. If my experience counts for anything, taking things away from him will just make him retaliate more, as he has done. My daughter was the same way, if we took away her tv should would find something of ours to take, usually my laptop because she knew that would get me. It ends up being a match of wills and escalated into a war.

    I know it's difficult. I would not ever want to go back to that age with my difficult child for anything in the world.
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I have no advice here. If husband refuses to fund a long term care facility and your insurance doesn't cover it, you need to look for state/county funded programs that won't cost alot. I understand the loss of hope but will tell you it will pop up again over and over again. I agree with Nancy that both you and husband need to take some classes or therapy on how to best deal wih your son. Your husband needs to learn to be less reactive an not esculate behaviors. He is not dealing with a noral teen for which he can have normal expectations. When parents are not on the same page it creates even more chaos. -RM
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Of course, your feelings are completely understandable. When our difficult child was 16 and was out of control and on drugs, I was like your husband - all raw emotion, and my husband was like you - more rational. It was a very difficult time in my life, it hurts just to remember it, and at the time, I doubted that things would ever improve. I only saw despair and darkness. My family was crumbling before my eyes and I was powerless.

    Please take things one day at a time. It is 3 yrs. later for my family, and things are much better. At the moment, difficult child is not using drugs, and is holding a 20 hr/wk. part time job while attending college and getting good grades (so far... knock on wood). After about a year of intense psychotherapy with a wonderful doctor, difficult child made it through, but he was not cooperative at first - he was very, very resistant. My relationship with difficult child, while guarded, is much improved as well.

    This is just the first step in a multi-step process. Please take care of yourself. Cry when you must, rest when you must, keep a solid relationship with everyone in your family, including difficult child. We are all here for you.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Zardo... I so feel for you and what you are going through is so familiar to me! When my difficult child was 15 he was into drugs and was out of control. We sent him to a wilderness program and then an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for a year.... I think he was very angry about that for awhile. A part of me wonders if that was the right thing to do for him and I dont have an answer given all of what has happened since. What I absolutely do know is that it was the right thing to do for his younger sister. She blossomed while he was gone and she developed a much closer relationship to us while he was gone. She absolutely needed the time at home without all the chaos and focus on her troubled brother. I notice you also have a younger child and so I think it is also important to think about what is important for them right now. My daughter is most definitely a easy child now at almost 18 and will be going to college in the fall. I dont know where she would be if she had spent all of her teen years with difficult child at home and all the chaos that would create and our focus on him.

    We did have hime come home after the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and things were ok for about a year and then all went downhill after that. We ended up kicking him out when he was 18 and my daughter was part of the reason we did that... again it was not good for her to live in the chaos that is created with a drug abusing teen.

    So yes I agree his coming home is not going to be good for any of you.... see what your options are and maybe once you know what they are your husband will rethink about funding some of it.

    This is a long and difficult journey we are all on. My difficult child is now 21 and once again living in a sober house... for today he seems to be doing ok.

  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I realize there are a ton of issues going on here...so this is just a speck of a suggestion. But going back to a stand by for many of us, perhaps for now, to survive, really examine a system like in The Explosive Child. Is going to bed an "A basket" item? Is it worth a huge power struggle when you are at a point when there are much more life altering things going on?

    Just a thought, not even sure husband would consider letting some things go, but maybe ?
  7. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Thanks for all of your thoughts - CJ - I may private message you if that's ok - I would like to know more about your story. Buddy - I agree about the power struggle and that is one of our most important issues. husband's vision is "that's it - no more phone, no car, no smoking, no nothing" and he is willing to get in difficult children face to enforce what he wants. I don't think permanently removing every privlidge will improve behavior at all. In fact, I think it will make things worse. I am not in favor of giving everything back with no terms, but we have to creat a way for difficult child to earn his privlidges. If we treat him like an animal, he will act like an animal. This is what I am so concernned about. We have in-home services right now that we will be working with intensely while difficult child is gone to see if it's even possible to get to a place where husband can recognize what battles are worth fighting.
  8. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Always feel free to PM me any time.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Totally stupid question but... what are the chances that both husband and difficult child are... something other than ADD/ADHD? Like... maybe something on the spectrum?
    It would really change the approach on all fronts.