GCV - no..you are my hero! here chicky chicky chicky
klmno - my life - my very absurd life by some great measure of others has been to me for the most part what I thought life was - just little ups and downs. Then one day I was sharing with someone bits and pices of my life. I guess if you didn't know me or if my Mom hadn't been there to validate some of the things I was saying it seemed beyond surreal. I never thought of my life as any different or harder or more struggling - I just thought of it as mine. As I told my story however people were just apparently surprised. I mean I had just told a small part of my life and here were these people standing there just wowed by like 5 years of my life and I thought - Well holy cow if you thought that was something I should have told you about the last 15 - lol. That would have flipped your wig for sure.
I don't know what I thought an 'amazing' life consisted of. I used to love to go to this lady's house in FL. who was a refuge from Auschwicz (sp) death camp. She had the tattoo on her arm, and would tell us stories about the Nazi's coming into their town and how she lost her family members right in front of her, and how they hid, and ran, and starved and I would just be enthralled with her story of coming to the US, going to college, getting several degrees, knowing so many languages, marrying two men - only one being the love of her life - learning to fly - and I kept thinking - now THAT ! THAT is a life worth talking about. Nothing like mine. Then I told her about my life in part one day up to that point of 27 years and guess who was silent and interested and on the edge of her seat, angry with tears in her eyes for me like I had been for her? She said "You are an amazing woman."
I mean to have someone like HER tell me - that I'm amazing? ME? Really. But then it dawned on me not then - but much later on in life - maybe about 3 years ago or so and especially after meeting the women on this board (and some men too) that we are ALL amazing. We all have gifts I believe. I mean I think we all must get like ONE special given gift and maybe a few other talents - to share, to encourage, to help - but together? That's when we're all really amazing. it's not just me, or me and someone else - it's you and me and her and them - and when you put all the gifts together - It's like a christmas tree all lit up. Kinda wishy in connotation - but I think I have a grasp of something bigger in it's meaning.
Problem is as a rule people don't like other people (snicker) We tend to be judgemental, petty, unaccepting, vindictive - and a slew of other not so attractive attributes that it seems to take us a life time to be shed of. So the chances that we all get together to shine? Pretty limited. Someone always comes along blows a fuse and burns out the lighted strand. Then we're all in the dark until Mom stubbs a toe and finds a flashlight and we start the process all over again.
I'm just beginning to realize that the thing I'm most thankful for are ALL my struggles. Without them? I wouldn't know how to do 1/2 the things i do. I wouldn't know how to recognize ANY of the red flags for troubles coming my way so I can avert them for myself or tell others BAD THING COMING YOUR WAY. I wouldn't appreciate nearly anything as much as I do. And yet at this point? I've lost everything in my life so many times and had nothing, been homeless, been without almost everything that I realize you can take it ALL away from me - but I will still have my faith, my morals, my dignity - and my manners. So when I get this close to having nothing again - its like - OH - I'm only this close. Not there just this close. If it goes? I start over. Nothing i relish - but freaking out over it serves no purpose - I mean 10 weeks after whatever happened happened? If I think back and replay it? Did freaking out help my situation at all? No...okay then lets eliminate that behavior if there is a next time - and so it goes. I can't balance walking in faith and freaking out ----it's got to be one or the other. Know what I mean??
I know I will find what is right for me too klmno - I have no doubt. I keep chuckling thinking - I went through 4 weeks of the most intense schooling I've ever done in my life - trained to be a truckdriver -and you watch - I'll get right () there and someone upstairs will go - OH lets spin the bottle and make her ..................................a skydiver. great.....new heights. As long as it's not a nurse. Worlds first fainting nurse.....notso good.