Making Progress

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AngelaMia, Aug 30, 2007.

  1. difficult child is making progress. Now we have some serious issues to deal with. It's going to be REALLY hard to do this, but it must be done.

    I have to confront him about what he did to me. He feels remorse, says he feels remorse, but I don't think it's enough. I don't think he understands how serious his offense was and how much it hurt and affected me.

    I don't know what I want from him, but it feels like "I'm sorry" is not enough. I just know that I have to express my anger and my devastation at what he did to me. How do you make reparations for what he did? What will be enough? How will we both heal with this standing between us?

    He's NOT talking about it, every time I bring it up he says he can't talk about it. I HAVE to talk to him about it. I want answers. Maybe he doesn't remember, but I need to hear his side. I need him to open up to me and let me see what really happened. I want him to sob with regret for hurting the ONE person who has been by his side his whole life, who has sacrificed everything - I want him to feel bad about what he did.

    Is this spiteful? Is this mean? Am I asking too much? Should I even bother?
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    It's neither spiteful nor mean. You're not asking too much. When someone hurts you terribly (although I don't know the details of your situation, the feeling of hurt, betrayal,'s universal), one of the first things that has to happen before you can even think about trusting them again, even one iota, is to see that they understand the effect that their actions had on you.

    That's what you need from your difficult child and that's why you feel a burning need to keep picking at it.

    As for whether you should bother, now that's another story. If your difficult child is focused right now on from learning from his offense (again, I don't know the details) and starting to put his life back together, then he's still focused on his needs, not yours.

    Sometimes saying sorry just isn't enough, feeling remorse just isn't enough, when your difficult children actions have torn your life apart. If you're not ready to accept his apology or you need more from him than that, well that's completely natural, normal and understandable. If he's not ready or capable of understanding that, well then he will have to learn that you're not ready to let him back in yet.

    It's h*ll, absolute h*ll. For good reason, I haven't shared my full story with the board (paranoia, I suppose...I never know who's lurking or reading), but I have lived through and am living through this sort of thing with my difficult child. I know that he doesn't understand how devastating his actions have been, and that the scars run deep, so I haven't been fully able to reconnect with him.

    I fear it will take a long time, if it ever happens.

    Gentle hugs.