Steely
Active Member
Boy, I have been meaning to write this for a long time - but somehow today is the day. I am just so concerned for him - and yes - I know I should let go, and let him work it out, etc. - yet I still worry.
His behavior from July-March was decent. He was calm, rational, flew to OR help out his dying grandpa - he was able to cope. He was on Zyprexa until Jan - when once again he decided it was too "dangerous" to be on. Well, true, the blood sugar, weight gain, etc can cause significant health issues - but I think he really just didn't like the side effects. Yet it always has helped him SO much.
By March I could see things start to switch - and of course that is the month his Pop died.
By April he was actively suicidal, including climbing to the top of a cliff and wanting to jump off. He started seeking out what little mental health services we have here - and that helped - until he went in one day to the clinic, suicidal, and they said he had to be admitted to the hospital - 2 hours away. Well, the hospital is a deal breaker for him, especially 2 hours away. He ran for his life. Furthermore - the psychiatrist got fired the next week - so just as he was starting to get help - he couldn't even get his medications changed.
His medication combo was done haphazardly when he moved here to AZ a year ago. He was over the edge and without ANY medications (thanks Dad) when he arrived to AZ. The best I could do was get on the phone with a psychiatrist he had seen in Dallas only once. She XR the current regimen. I am sure they need to be changed, as Depakote in the past has rarely done much for him.
In light of all of this in April/May - Matt's need for real psychiatric help became the true impetus for the move to a bigger city. There were other things that of course lined up, and made it the right decision for me as well - but - a mentally ill person should not be in a town where there is not a psychiatrist.
So fast forward to now - and OMG - it is like he is 12 again. No lie. The raging; the short, short fuse; the huge frustration factor - it is more than I can watch (so I leave) but then I think - he is LIVING like this. He must be so miserable. And he is.
His blood pressure has been a huge concern since BEFORE he went into Residential Treatment Center (RTC). So glad in those 2 years they addressed it - NOT. He at the time was on an AP and about 200lbs and 6'3 so the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) told him to go on a diet and exercise more. Great advice to a neurotic teen. He is now 6'4 and 180lbs and watches everything he eats. If he sees an ounce of fat on his body he gets upset.
Now his blood pressure vacillates from - when he is calm 150/90 to when he is upset 200/100. I swear to god, yesterday he looked like he was going to have a heart attack. It is scary!! The last Dr he went to gave him Metropol (a BiPolar (BP) medication), and then the Dr doubled the dose because it wasn't working on the single. Then Matt decided it doesn't work at all, and won't take it, since the Dr didn't seem to think it worked on the single dose. (There is little rationale with him at this point.)
On top of it he has these migraines that lasts for days. He he has had them since he was 4. They are almost to the point that he could be on disability just because of those. He throws up all day, and is out, for 2 days. And then afterwards his moods are even worse, and he does and says weird things.
Oh, yes, let's not forget that he has constant back pain - and it was found that he has narrowing of the spine and an injury of the spine. This results in other side effects like poor bladder control. Again - back pain started in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (possibly where the back injury came from?) and they did nothing. I finally have the MRI that states what it going on, but there is no one here to help him treat it here.
So obviously moving is the right thing - but I just don't even know how we are going to even get there at this point. The last 3 days he has either been in a rage or asleep. And his blood pressure thing is worrisome - I mean 200/100 is dangerous. I told him today that he has to take the Metropol at least until we get to Oregon - personally I am not sure that it helps either - but it is all I know to do.
I am not sure what I am needing from this post - advice I guess about medication ideas? He is pretty open to my suggestions with medications - and he is not medication resistant for the most part - unless it is an AP - or something he has already tried. He, to his own admission, CANNOT take any type of sedative like Xanax, Valium, etc. It makes him - off his rocker. So those types of things to calm him down are out of the question. Unfortunately.
I guess I am also just scared - and feeling like the world revolves around me 24/7 for the next 2 weeks until we can get to OR - and I am freaking out. I have a fear of being in the car with him when he is mad. When he was little and he would rage he would try to jump out or try to hit me while I was driving. Plus we will have his 2 dogs, that don't like my dog - and that will just naturally push Matt's adrenaline into high gear.
Or maybe I am just overwhelmed because I have to pack and clean my house - and at the rate he is going with his house - we will be staying here for months until he cleans and pack. I have to be out on the 11th - so we have to leave soon after. I have no choice but to help speed things up with him - but it is not working.
God - yesterday I got a new door for his bathroom because he raged and literally split it in 2. I have to sell this trailer, so I have to fix it up, and he has to help me, if nothing more than for a consequence. He freaked out that I would be asking him to help me hang a door. He told me he had no idea how, and he couldn't - couldn't possibly do it. OK really? If I can do it - he can!!! At the same time - I give him a task of cleaning out his pantry - and he became Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and wanted to paint it. It really is all or nothing with him - still - like it was when he was 12. But he is 20. And I don't know what to do anymore.
Wow - it helps to get this all off my chest. You know I am trying to put more and more distance between us by him moving 2 hours away. And I am trying to let go - I try everyday - with every ounce of mental strength I have. Yet - it seems he still needs some sort of advocate. Someone who can help him with all these issues. And yet, for now it is me - because to just kick him out of my mental sphere seems cruel until he has other supports in place.
Sigh..............................................................
His behavior from July-March was decent. He was calm, rational, flew to OR help out his dying grandpa - he was able to cope. He was on Zyprexa until Jan - when once again he decided it was too "dangerous" to be on. Well, true, the blood sugar, weight gain, etc can cause significant health issues - but I think he really just didn't like the side effects. Yet it always has helped him SO much.
By March I could see things start to switch - and of course that is the month his Pop died.
By April he was actively suicidal, including climbing to the top of a cliff and wanting to jump off. He started seeking out what little mental health services we have here - and that helped - until he went in one day to the clinic, suicidal, and they said he had to be admitted to the hospital - 2 hours away. Well, the hospital is a deal breaker for him, especially 2 hours away. He ran for his life. Furthermore - the psychiatrist got fired the next week - so just as he was starting to get help - he couldn't even get his medications changed.
His medication combo was done haphazardly when he moved here to AZ a year ago. He was over the edge and without ANY medications (thanks Dad) when he arrived to AZ. The best I could do was get on the phone with a psychiatrist he had seen in Dallas only once. She XR the current regimen. I am sure they need to be changed, as Depakote in the past has rarely done much for him.
In light of all of this in April/May - Matt's need for real psychiatric help became the true impetus for the move to a bigger city. There were other things that of course lined up, and made it the right decision for me as well - but - a mentally ill person should not be in a town where there is not a psychiatrist.
So fast forward to now - and OMG - it is like he is 12 again. No lie. The raging; the short, short fuse; the huge frustration factor - it is more than I can watch (so I leave) but then I think - he is LIVING like this. He must be so miserable. And he is.
His blood pressure has been a huge concern since BEFORE he went into Residential Treatment Center (RTC). So glad in those 2 years they addressed it - NOT. He at the time was on an AP and about 200lbs and 6'3 so the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) told him to go on a diet and exercise more. Great advice to a neurotic teen. He is now 6'4 and 180lbs and watches everything he eats. If he sees an ounce of fat on his body he gets upset.
Now his blood pressure vacillates from - when he is calm 150/90 to when he is upset 200/100. I swear to god, yesterday he looked like he was going to have a heart attack. It is scary!! The last Dr he went to gave him Metropol (a BiPolar (BP) medication), and then the Dr doubled the dose because it wasn't working on the single. Then Matt decided it doesn't work at all, and won't take it, since the Dr didn't seem to think it worked on the single dose. (There is little rationale with him at this point.)
On top of it he has these migraines that lasts for days. He he has had them since he was 4. They are almost to the point that he could be on disability just because of those. He throws up all day, and is out, for 2 days. And then afterwards his moods are even worse, and he does and says weird things.
Oh, yes, let's not forget that he has constant back pain - and it was found that he has narrowing of the spine and an injury of the spine. This results in other side effects like poor bladder control. Again - back pain started in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (possibly where the back injury came from?) and they did nothing. I finally have the MRI that states what it going on, but there is no one here to help him treat it here.
So obviously moving is the right thing - but I just don't even know how we are going to even get there at this point. The last 3 days he has either been in a rage or asleep. And his blood pressure thing is worrisome - I mean 200/100 is dangerous. I told him today that he has to take the Metropol at least until we get to Oregon - personally I am not sure that it helps either - but it is all I know to do.
I am not sure what I am needing from this post - advice I guess about medication ideas? He is pretty open to my suggestions with medications - and he is not medication resistant for the most part - unless it is an AP - or something he has already tried. He, to his own admission, CANNOT take any type of sedative like Xanax, Valium, etc. It makes him - off his rocker. So those types of things to calm him down are out of the question. Unfortunately.
I guess I am also just scared - and feeling like the world revolves around me 24/7 for the next 2 weeks until we can get to OR - and I am freaking out. I have a fear of being in the car with him when he is mad. When he was little and he would rage he would try to jump out or try to hit me while I was driving. Plus we will have his 2 dogs, that don't like my dog - and that will just naturally push Matt's adrenaline into high gear.
Or maybe I am just overwhelmed because I have to pack and clean my house - and at the rate he is going with his house - we will be staying here for months until he cleans and pack. I have to be out on the 11th - so we have to leave soon after. I have no choice but to help speed things up with him - but it is not working.
God - yesterday I got a new door for his bathroom because he raged and literally split it in 2. I have to sell this trailer, so I have to fix it up, and he has to help me, if nothing more than for a consequence. He freaked out that I would be asking him to help me hang a door. He told me he had no idea how, and he couldn't - couldn't possibly do it. OK really? If I can do it - he can!!! At the same time - I give him a task of cleaning out his pantry - and he became Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and wanted to paint it. It really is all or nothing with him - still - like it was when he was 12. But he is 20. And I don't know what to do anymore.
Wow - it helps to get this all off my chest. You know I am trying to put more and more distance between us by him moving 2 hours away. And I am trying to let go - I try everyday - with every ounce of mental strength I have. Yet - it seems he still needs some sort of advocate. Someone who can help him with all these issues. And yet, for now it is me - because to just kick him out of my mental sphere seems cruel until he has other supports in place.
Sigh..............................................................