Marguerite
Active Member
I decided to begin a new thread, it's easier.
Summary - the agency cleaner who comes to our house once a week is a long-term friend, although he's always been a bit 'odd'. He's been behaving increasingly oddly however, and on Thursday he was so strange I felt I'd very stressed. His moods seemed up, then he was in tears and saying he felt too sick to work; then within minutes he was seemingly fine again. He WAS aware of this happening and also concerned I might report it.
Trouble is, the agency is short-staffed and if I drop out, I'll never get the service again.
This bloke has been using (abusing) his position for some years to discuss with me (at times = 'harangue') his extreme views on Christianity. I'm very moderate in my views; he has called me heretic for this. And yet - before Christmas he was arrested by police (witnessed by difficult child 1) for "pleasuring himself" on a public train. He told us all about it the next day, with an air of extreme contrition coupled with a seeming pleasure at being the centre of attention - at which point I dropped the topic and we got on with work.
He goes to a newly founded independent church run by a pastor whose grip on stability is also very shaky. He has been seeking counselling from the pastor, instead of genuine psychiatric help. The pastor is NOT someone to confide in and expect confidentiality. I know - to my cost.
Rather than blab all round town (very small village) I went information-gathering. On various legitimate pretexts, I sat and listened to a lot of people talking about a lot of irrelevant things. Here is the summary:
1) His marriage is now publicly over. I knew it was in trouble, I didn't realise how public the information was. "He's been going through a divorce," is what the Avon lady (his client after me) told me (I mentioned him in passing when I collected the latest catalogue).
2) It is possible that the word is out publicly on his recent brush with the law. While having coffee with the pastor (and friends) I thought I heard a mention of my cleaner having attended court during the week.
3) They are still friendly to him - as we were having coffee he walked past on the way to catch the boat. He stopped to say hello, friendly greetings were exchanged.
4) If he didn't tell the pastor, his wife certainly would have, and as my paralegal friend said, "that is as good as broadcasting it over national radio."
I dropped in on my paralegal friend and finally unburdened myself. She was horrified, but not too surprised.
As I talked about the situation, she was almost predicting the next step, because she said he sounded so much like her very disturbed ex-husband. She knows my cleaner well also.
Her ex-husband was an accused rapist when they got engaged - he swore to her he was innocent, she stood by him as things went to trial and he was acquitted but soon into the marriage she realised he WAS a rapist and deviant. He was also violent and a possible molester of their kids. He had been molested by his mother through most of his childhood and adolescence.
Back to the cleaner - my friend agrees with me, we don't think he is violent (unlike her ex). if anything, he is likely to react with a fetal position and buckets of tears.
We talked about whether to report him to the agency - she can see the difficulty. At this stage she felt that it wouldn't be a good idea for too many reasons. This IS a small town and he would find out.
Because he doesn't seem to be a danger to others, I'm keeping quiet for now. But watching.
I could extricate myself, but mother in law uses his services also (and can't stand him). A lot of her social group (the little old lady war widow set) are dissatisfied with him and his service, but like me, cannot afford to lose service entirely.
So I'm biding my time. In the meantime, my paralegal friend is trying to get hold of any court records she can. It's not easy. If he had a hearing in the city the other day, she will find out.
If he is found guilty, he will go on the sex offender's register and will lose his job. After all, part of his job includes (at times) bathing elderly or infirm people. You can't have a convicted sex offender responsible for bathing invalids.
If he loses his job, the agency will have to find a replacement for him to manage his clients (including me and mother in law). Alternatively, they will divide the workload up and spread it round the other worker in our area.
He seemed stable today, but we only spoke for a few minutes and it was with a group of people he needs to seem sane with.
What is his likely diagnosis? I have not a lot of knowledge here. I'm sure he has mentioned bipolar to me, but what I saw on Tuesday seemed like psychosis (although he was aware of his strangeness, so I'm not so sure). I feel he IS attention-seeking, he does seem to delight in confessing his sins and being punished (I get the feeling he'd really enjoy a bondage session, if only he had the courage or the imagination). He's a hysteric. He seemed to be 'getting off' on confessing the crime to me and difficult child 1. I don't want to feed into any of that, although I know his pastor will be, in a BIG way.
I really could do without any of this.
The more I live in this world, the more I see the seamy side underneath. The secret lives, the dishonesty, the "Under Milkwood" stuff.
So for now I watch, I wait, I listen, I take notes, I lie low. At the first sign of anything that I feel is putting mother in law at risk, I will have to speak to the agency. Hopefully he will remove himself before that happens - they must already get a lot of complaints about him. Or he will crack. Or turn hobo. Who knows?
I just want him gone, safely. And getting GENUINE help.
I REALLY could have done without this.
Marg
Summary - the agency cleaner who comes to our house once a week is a long-term friend, although he's always been a bit 'odd'. He's been behaving increasingly oddly however, and on Thursday he was so strange I felt I'd very stressed. His moods seemed up, then he was in tears and saying he felt too sick to work; then within minutes he was seemingly fine again. He WAS aware of this happening and also concerned I might report it.
Trouble is, the agency is short-staffed and if I drop out, I'll never get the service again.
This bloke has been using (abusing) his position for some years to discuss with me (at times = 'harangue') his extreme views on Christianity. I'm very moderate in my views; he has called me heretic for this. And yet - before Christmas he was arrested by police (witnessed by difficult child 1) for "pleasuring himself" on a public train. He told us all about it the next day, with an air of extreme contrition coupled with a seeming pleasure at being the centre of attention - at which point I dropped the topic and we got on with work.
He goes to a newly founded independent church run by a pastor whose grip on stability is also very shaky. He has been seeking counselling from the pastor, instead of genuine psychiatric help. The pastor is NOT someone to confide in and expect confidentiality. I know - to my cost.
Rather than blab all round town (very small village) I went information-gathering. On various legitimate pretexts, I sat and listened to a lot of people talking about a lot of irrelevant things. Here is the summary:
1) His marriage is now publicly over. I knew it was in trouble, I didn't realise how public the information was. "He's been going through a divorce," is what the Avon lady (his client after me) told me (I mentioned him in passing when I collected the latest catalogue).
2) It is possible that the word is out publicly on his recent brush with the law. While having coffee with the pastor (and friends) I thought I heard a mention of my cleaner having attended court during the week.
3) They are still friendly to him - as we were having coffee he walked past on the way to catch the boat. He stopped to say hello, friendly greetings were exchanged.
4) If he didn't tell the pastor, his wife certainly would have, and as my paralegal friend said, "that is as good as broadcasting it over national radio."
I dropped in on my paralegal friend and finally unburdened myself. She was horrified, but not too surprised.
As I talked about the situation, she was almost predicting the next step, because she said he sounded so much like her very disturbed ex-husband. She knows my cleaner well also.
Her ex-husband was an accused rapist when they got engaged - he swore to her he was innocent, she stood by him as things went to trial and he was acquitted but soon into the marriage she realised he WAS a rapist and deviant. He was also violent and a possible molester of their kids. He had been molested by his mother through most of his childhood and adolescence.
Back to the cleaner - my friend agrees with me, we don't think he is violent (unlike her ex). if anything, he is likely to react with a fetal position and buckets of tears.
We talked about whether to report him to the agency - she can see the difficulty. At this stage she felt that it wouldn't be a good idea for too many reasons. This IS a small town and he would find out.
Because he doesn't seem to be a danger to others, I'm keeping quiet for now. But watching.
I could extricate myself, but mother in law uses his services also (and can't stand him). A lot of her social group (the little old lady war widow set) are dissatisfied with him and his service, but like me, cannot afford to lose service entirely.
So I'm biding my time. In the meantime, my paralegal friend is trying to get hold of any court records she can. It's not easy. If he had a hearing in the city the other day, she will find out.
If he is found guilty, he will go on the sex offender's register and will lose his job. After all, part of his job includes (at times) bathing elderly or infirm people. You can't have a convicted sex offender responsible for bathing invalids.
If he loses his job, the agency will have to find a replacement for him to manage his clients (including me and mother in law). Alternatively, they will divide the workload up and spread it round the other worker in our area.
He seemed stable today, but we only spoke for a few minutes and it was with a group of people he needs to seem sane with.
What is his likely diagnosis? I have not a lot of knowledge here. I'm sure he has mentioned bipolar to me, but what I saw on Tuesday seemed like psychosis (although he was aware of his strangeness, so I'm not so sure). I feel he IS attention-seeking, he does seem to delight in confessing his sins and being punished (I get the feeling he'd really enjoy a bondage session, if only he had the courage or the imagination). He's a hysteric. He seemed to be 'getting off' on confessing the crime to me and difficult child 1. I don't want to feed into any of that, although I know his pastor will be, in a BIG way.
I really could do without any of this.
The more I live in this world, the more I see the seamy side underneath. The secret lives, the dishonesty, the "Under Milkwood" stuff.
So for now I watch, I wait, I listen, I take notes, I lie low. At the first sign of anything that I feel is putting mother in law at risk, I will have to speak to the agency. Hopefully he will remove himself before that happens - they must already get a lot of complaints about him. Or he will crack. Or turn hobo. Who knows?
I just want him gone, safely. And getting GENUINE help.
I REALLY could have done without this.
Marg