Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by okie girl, Apr 12, 2015.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    One of my biggest fears came true. My Difficult Child showed up at my door. My granddaughter(Difficult Child's daughter) and I left the room. My husband went to the door and asked him what he wanted. Difficult Child wanted my husband to go out to his truck so he could smoke a cigarette and talk. My husband told him he could talk to him on our front porch. Husband told him there was nothing else we could do for him. We are done. He told my husband he hadn't eaten for two days and was loving in his truck. I am such an enabler and want to help him but I know I can't. Just feel so upset and helpless.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Got an idea for next time. Look up your nearest Salvation Army or Soup Kitchen on the internet and homeless shelter and give the addresses to your son. He can certainly find food. As for sleeping in his car, well, some homeless don't have a car. I worked for a homeless shelter and few had anywhere to sleep. He's lucky in a way. He can always use that car to look for a job. You are far too old to be taking care of your adult son and in my opinion he should not be allowed to drop by. If it were me, and I know you're not, I'd tell him he has to make an appointment at our convenience to talk to us and that we decide when and where and that asking for anything other than rehab or locations for food pantries are not topics to be discussed. You deserve a nice retirement. He deserves a chance to grow up. Nobody is going to take care of him when you are gone.
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  3. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    If he shows up again, I plan on not answering the door. I know this sounds like the cowards way out but I am just not strong enough to confront him. I love him but just can't deal with this anymore. I'm about to go crazy thinking about him not having anyone.
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he bangs on the door or scares you, please call the police. He should not be coming to your house and if you are afraid of him, you should not allow him to. You are not a coward. Keep that door shut and locked. If he has a key, change the locks too.
  5. Whatwentwrong

    Whatwentwrong New Member

    Wow. That's sad. Must've been so hard for you. I can definitely relate to what you must've felt. It's truly painful but you had to do it that way. Just because you gave birth to him, raised him, and love him unconditionally, doesn't give him the right to steal the life within you. Nobody does. Stay strong!
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I agree with this completely. There are plenty of places he can get food. He is comparatively lucky in that he has a vehicle. He doesn't have to literally sleep on the street. He can certainly get to a food pantry or homeless shelter and get food.

    He is a fully grown, middle-aged, man! He is capable of figuring these things out on his own.
  7. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    I keep my doors locked and my garage door closed. I see my therapist Tuesday. Hope he can help me detach
    dear is so sad. It breaks my heart. He had a beautiful wife, daughter and son. He even had his own business. He lost everything because of drugs and women. He has a very high IQ but his common sense is seriously lacking. I have done everything I can think of but nothing has worked. This is ripping me apart. This is so hard
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I would not feel too sorry for this manipulation. He had money for gas and smokes. He could have bought food.
  9. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you Lil for your continued support. I agree he is lucky to have a vehicle. It has helped me so much knowing other parents are here with me. Thank everybody for all the helpful advise. I know he is a grown man and I have to remember this. It is so easy to go back and remember him when he was a youngster.
  10. Rina

    Rina Member

    It's the hardest thing possible, watching them destroying themselves when I know, and you know, that they're the only people who can really fix this situation. I hope he'll eventually make the decision to re-build his life. All the best to both of you. Hugs
  11. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Sending hugs your way. It hurts our hearts to turn our Difficult Child away. But unfortunately it's the only way to not enable their poor choices. I really hope he makes the choice to get help and change his life. You doing the right thing even though it's so difficult.
  12. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    You are so right Rena. I just hope I am strong enough. He is on probation for 5 years. He has not been working his programs as ordered by the courts. His probation officer has my address as his residence. It just goes on and on.
  13. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    LMS...I have tried to detach before but ended up letting him stay at my home when he got out of jail. He pleaded for me not to turn my back on him. I am so very tired.
  14. Rina

    Rina Member

    That's not your fault, and there's nothing you can do to change that. He will need to learn the hard way. For some people, there's no other way.
    It still hurts tremendously.
  15. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Yes Rina.... It hurts a lot but my hands are tied. I will just keep him in my prayers. Thank you so much for your support.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Okie girl, I have been reading along here. Please reclaim your own life. I know how very hard it is when you love someone, but you have done all you can do for someone who doesn't want to change.

    Create some physical distance between you and him so you can heal, get stronger and learn some new ways of thinking and acting. The feelings will be hard for a long, long time, so expect that, but learn how to feel your feelings and not act on them.

    Yes, pray for him and for yourself. It's time for you. He will have to do the hard, hard work of change, and the more you continue to enable him, the more time you put between him and change. He may NEVER change, but at least create some space and time and distance between you and him (and your "help") so he can feel the natural consequences of his own decisions and perhaps...perhaps...get sick and tired enough of his life to want to change.

    That is what must occur for each and every one of us, in order for us to work and claw and fight and scratch and ....keep on...even when we are lonely and scared and tired...keep on working for change in ourselves.

    Same for us. Same for him.

    Warm hugs for you today. I lived in Oklahoma for some 13 years myself!
  17. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you Childofmine. i have lived in Oklahoma all my life. I do well one day and the next I am all over the place. I divorced his bio dad (he is now deceased) my Difficult Child is following in his footsteps. I can't divorce my son. It seems like I have been living in chaos since I was 24. I need to work on getting off this merry-go-round.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your son is way too old for you to think of as a child. Think of it this way. He is only 13?? (my math is bad) years younger than yous HUSBAND. Do you think your husband was a kid at 43 or 45? Your son doesn't have too far to go to be 50. Are you going to care for him when he is 50? 60? Until you have squandered your very life for him?

    Your son turned his back on himself. You never turned your back on him. He is the one refusing to get straight, go to places that help you find work, taking good care of himself...he is the one letting himself down. It is not something you can do for him BECAUSE he is a middle aged man.

    Does he realize you are aging? Does he ever call just to ask, "Hey, Mom, I'm worried about you and just want to make sure YOU'RE all right" without asking for a favor from you? Will he ever be there for YOU if you need him? When he violated your rights, HE turned his back on YOU.

    I hope you can finally find peace and serenity. This is no way to spend what are supposed to be our golden years and I would try, if I were you, to put distance between him and you and husband. You need a break and he doesn't need a mommy. It's the last thing he needs.
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  19. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    You are right SomewhereOutThere. I am tired of living this way. I saw my therapist today and he made me see another side to my Difficult Child. The doctor told me my Difficult Child wants me to feel guilty and upset. Really he always wants something about any time I here from him. He told me I knew what I needed to do deep down and I agreed, I need to detach and put some distance between us (just as you suggested). I will take one day at a time. Thanks for your wise reply. I appreciate it so much.