my BiPolar (BP) wife update

[miles2go]

for those interested in the http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f10/cops-called-wife-gone-32731/ thread --
When we went to court (with my new lawyer) the judge ordered, as we asked, supervised visitation only (wife hurting difficult child just before the court date didn't help her case) and custody evaluation. wife made her first appointment with the visit supervisor, then on the day of the scheduled visit, within an hour or so, she called the supervisor to cancel it, then to reinstate it, then canceled it again, with the supervisor going ballistic informing me of this final move. Since then she decided (communicated via a third person) to have 0 contact with the kids, save some bizarre christmas and birthday gifts. She also is not signing the custody evaluation form and my wise lawyer advised "if you are ok with the current situation, don't do anything" rather than going to the court to do the custody evaluation without her signature -- unusual for a lawyer to not "churn the case".

And so here we are in this suspended state since August; she might move out of state or might get an idea to knock on our door tomorrow, who knows.

Hard to explain to the 6y.o. easy child; difficult child and the older easy child don't seem to mind this situation at all.

My therapist thiks I should start dating which seems utterly insane to me.

Me -- single dad, about 50
difficult child -- 9m, BiPolar (BP) , 15mg Ablify, 3 mg Intuniv
easy child's 15f , 6m ,
cats, etc

 

[AnnieO]

Well, perhaps not dating - how about coffee with a friend? Ball game? Something to give you some respite.

Speaking of which - the kids probably are somewhat relieved, for the moment. Make sure to keep talking to them - tdocs are good too - because sooner or laters, it's going to hit them.

Hugs... And your lawyer is correct - though if she's had zero contact, wait a bit, and then file for full custody. Courts don't like parents who abandon their kids.

 

[Marguerite]

I think dating would be a mistake. Clearly you think so too. Dr Phil says (and I agree) they before you move on to a new relationship, you need to finish with the previous one. Close the door firmly. If someone still has their foot in the door, you need to wait until it's all sorted.

However, Step is right - you do need a social life.

A friend of mine joined a group at her church for single parents. There she met a great guy, they became friends and stayed just friends as she finished cleaning up the loose ends of her previous disastrous marriage. She had a lot of stuff she had to get straight in her own head, and until she did, any new relationship was going to be a mistake. A year later, she and her new friend married, they are still very much together and very happy. But also, her kids by then were independent.

I posted separately on someone else's thread over in General - another friend of mine was involved with a married man whose wife died. The man's son was no way ready for his father to be in a relationship, especially not one which had been in existence before his mother died. So they took their time. My friend waited while her boyfriend dealt with his grief and helped his son deal with his grief. By taking time, things are working out.

I think it is the same with you - you need time as an individual, not in a relationship, to find your own strength and grounding. And as I said, I think you get this. I'm just affirming it! I think your kids need this from you, too. Their loyalties will be confused enough, without having to meet a new female role model in their lives. But going out with friends or as part of a group - go for it. And if something happens - deal with it then.

Marg

 

[Steely]

Sending many positive thoughts your way.
I disagree completely about the tdocs advice about dating. I had a therapist say the same exact thing to me, and I followed it. I ended up getting married to the guy, and it was the worst decision I have ever made. I just was not healed enough to even know what I was looking for in a relationship, let alone have one.
My difficult children dad abandoned him as well, I know how hard it is....so sorry.

 

[donna723]

I'm glad you posted an update. I had wondered what ever happened with you and your kids.

From what you said, I'm assuming that you are just separated, not legally divorced yet? I agree that you do need a social life but if there's a possibility you will be going through a divorce in the future, I would strongly advise that you not start officially "dating" while you are still legally married to her. At this point, you don't want to do anything that could be picked up, twisted around, and used against you in a divorce case. Unfortunately it happens all the time. Not saying you shouldn't have a social life, you need one, but until the dust settles, I would keep it very low key and informal.

Good to see you back with us.

 

[nvts]

Hey Miles! I'm in the exact same place that you are with the "you need to get out there and start dating". I hopped on one of those freebee websites and frankly - I'm spooked by the whole thing. I've been out of it for many, many years and with my difficult child's? Noooooo way. I've got to get over my husband (I've been crying at Valentines commercials - weird huh?) before I even THINK of getting involved with anyone else.

Bounce around with some friends, join a group, socialize - and remember we're here for you!

 

[gcvmom]

As hard as it must be to sit in limbo, I agree with Step's comment about zero contact/abandonment being an act your DEX ultimately commits in your favor. So patience will pay off in the long run. In the mean time, it's probably best for you and your kids to just try to go about your lives as normally as possible under the circumstances, and just focus on healing your little family unit. I agree that this is NOT the best time to start inviting new people into your life in a romantic context. Emotional support is entirely different, and you can find that (hopefully) in the friends and family you already have around you. Maybe the one new relationship you could consider is a new therapist!

 

[miles2go]

Thank you, people.
Sometimes I do think that it would be nice for the kids to have a sane female presence, but that's a Mary Poppins job description, not a dating website kind of thing.
And I called the idea "utterly insane" mostly because simply outside of keeping my job and taking care of the kids' basic hygiene and homework requirements there's no spare time or energy for anything.
It's good to be back, donna. I don't think in California it matters much for the divorce who dates whom as long as it doesn't touch on the kids, then custody may be affected.
But I think I am on the same page with y'all.
The 6y.o. easy child has been becoming my more serious concern; it's easy for me to overlook him with all the drama of the 15 y.o. daughter and with the BiPolar (BP) big brother, but the little guy obviously has potential and I have to start hustling for his sports, camps, academics etc.

 

[BusynMember]

Most tdocs are politically very liberal...their ideas may or may not be in sync with yours. I did not date until I was well over my divorce (my female friends were just fine for me) and did NOT introduce my kids to ANY dates or boyfriends until I was ready to get married. Then they knew him for about two years before we tied the knot and it STILL wasn't easy. Although you may think your kids would like a female presence, I don't know if they'd really want one this soon...some never accept a replacement. It's up to you, but I'm in the camp that says therapist is giving you very poor advice. I've had a lot of therapists. Some advice they give is good, some wasn't good for me, and, in the end, this is just their opinion. Psychology is not an exact science.
Good luck!

 

[Lothlorien]

Thanks for posting an update. I agree with you and the others. You really need time to be with the kids, especially the younger ones. Respite is good. Find a babysitter once or twice a month and go out with some buddies and throw some darts or watch a game, but bringing a woman in right now is not a good idea.

 

[DDD]

I'm with the "no date" group. Like Midwest Mom I focused on providing a stable (dull, lol) during the six years I remained single. Any socializing I did was away from home. The kids met two men. The first came to the house one afternoon uninvited ten minutes before the kids got home from a movie and he was introduced as a real estate friend who left after a cup of coffee. The second was husband & we went out for many months before he was invited over for a BBQ. When I went out I left alone and I came home alone. No trauma or confusion. Your therapist must not get how sensitive all kids are to change and how super sensitive difficult child's are daily. Nope.

Good luck. DDD

 

[KTMom91]

Hey, miles, glad to see you back.

I agree with the "not dating" thing, but you definitely need some time with grown-ups. I used to say that I'd be in Heaven if I could have someone serve me food, on a plate, not from a paper bag, and have a conversation while eating that did not include crayons, homework, or the latest update on "who farted in class."

Personally, I didn't care for the Parents Without Partners group here, because it seemed to be more of a dating group where you could bring your kids. I started a single adults group at my church, and I was amazed at how many people seemed to come out of the woodwork to join! If you can find a good group just to hang out with, you could get that grown-up time you need without going through the whole dating thing.

 

[crazymama30]

I agree with the no dating thing. My husband have had some rough times lately, but he is seeing he needs help and is getting it. If we were to split permanently? No way would I date.

Bottom line is you need to do what is right for you and your kiddos. You have done a great job of that so fvar, and you will continue. I agree with the comment someone made about most therapists being very liberal. I have seen that some that are and some that are'nt, but the group as a whole tends to be liberal.


As for wife? All you need to do is comply with the courts. She will hang herself with her own actions. I can only hope that her actions do not hurt the kids too much, and would remind them that mommy is sick, and explain that in a way they understand. They know that she is not normal, kids know these th ings.


Hang in there

 

[miles2go]

Thanks all, I forgot how good this support feels.
Yea, I've had my share of bad advice from tdocs, and I am sure y'all mean "socially" liberal rather than politically, but the location here is Babylon by Bay of course and Summer of Love and all.
But he's allright -- he's been in chronic pain for past few years (fell down some stairs), latest surgery didn't work, he's at a university hospital Pain unit or something like that for a few weeks to get off of opiates before trying something else. At our sessions he lies on the couch, I sit, it's funny I guess.
I think he has a supportive family without which going through his stuff would be pretty hard indeed.

About my kids and "replacement" -- their relationship with a BiPolar (BP) narcissist is not something they'd want to replace; I see difficult child really clinging to any female figure. The 6y.o. easy child kinda missed her manic energy I think for a moment there. A nice female for them and for the teenage daughter would be good, I think, but as I said that's neither here nor there; good childcare is easier to rent than to marry I guess.

 

[Star*]

Miles -

Hello! Well, paint me old fashioned - and also include me in the group that would ask your T-doctor - "Are you a man of faith?" I mean you don't have to be all preachy and this can't become a religious post at all due to board rules, but skirting the issue here - what ever happened to morality?

My ex was abusive to the 10th degree of the law. Since this was before anyone even cared if women were abused, and when I went to the police even with a child I was asked literally what I did to make him mad and told to go back home - (15 or so years ago). I got lucky with some very good advice from a couple sources. One was a very conservative (surprisingly enough) Southern minister. Who told me I didn't deserve to be treated like I was and to file for divorce. I was completely opposed to this idea but listened to him and his reasons why myself and my child did not need to stay in a marriage like mine. Secondly I got counseling from a therapist/therapist. He told me that the first year I was separated I shouldn't even THINK about dating, or anything else except resolving my marriage and to leave the door open for reconcilliation. Which to me was ludicrous. It was conflicting to what the minister had told me and even though they spoke on the phone? They both wanted what was best for me - and that was to make up my OWN mind, or rather to FIND my own mind.

See if they both TOLD me LEAVE him - I would not be following my own mind. I would be doing what I was told. AGAIN. Just like in my marriage. Just like I was either begged, or forced, or demanded to do. The cycle of abuse all over again. So in that first year of separation? I had to learn about the cycle of abuse. Seems you could just learn that (snap) but not really. Men, women, children MOSTLY - who are in abusive situations need time away from the abuser and AND counseling (children for years and years) that helps them understand what it was they went through and to understand that 1.) it was NOT you and a bunch of other things about yourself, self esteem, self confidence that you can only learn THROUGH years of counseling.

The second year away from an abuser? SPEND IT ALONE. NO dating - NO casual relationships. SPEND IT ON YOURSELF. Find out WHO YOU ARE. I mean you've spent how many years being Husband, DADDY......then abuse set in and you aren't exactly sure WHO you were. WHY aren't you important enough to give yourself ONE year.....one lousy year to really figure out WHO YOU ARE and what YOU like BY YOURSELF. YOU might like - going to bed at midnight, or tai chi, or horseback riding, or bicycling, or running, or pilates, or swimming every morning, or hunting - or whatever - but if you jump right back into a relationship? You may.....MAY end up ,liking WHAT SHE/or HE likes (not saying you're gay, just saying if women are reading this HE applies to them) and then you NEVER really get to know what YOU like 0R more importantly what YOU BRING to a relationship that may take you places that make YOU more happy. Think about it - you like Tennis - you didn't know you liked tennis because you never tried tennis - but you TRY it in that year FOR YOU - and you find a really wonderful woman that loves tennis......See what I mean?

I gave myself the time -----I started out wrong - and OH brother did it backfire - I started dating someone who was schizophrenic. Yeah so that ended right away and I gave myself 1 year. In that year I also learned where my boundaries were, how to say NO, and mean it - and in 12 years with my fiance - we have had a wonderful relationship - it's had a few bumps - but overall happy.

Just sayin - I think I would either ask my therapist WHY or find a therapist I had more morally in common with -

As far as the lawyer? I have no advice there - But I would ask WHY - I'm not much on hanging on questions especially when I'm paying someone to shape my children's lives. He'd have to tell me WHAT his plan was and share that information with me.

Glad you stopped in. Oh and if you kept the same therapist - and he wanted you to get a companion? I'd get a Pyreneese.....They're georgeous.

 

[miles2go]

I think we have a consensus here. Takes a lot of pressure off me. Somehow Stars' words about healing resonated quite a bit. Now if I only could keep difficult child out of the kitchen and away from video screens....

 

[HaoZi]

You may do better to "rent" them a female role model. Big Brothers/Big Sisters comes to mind. A church youth group leader, if they're involved in those things. A sports coach. You'll know better when you're ready - and when your kids are beyond ready for you to start dating, they'll let you know, one way or another. Until they start BEGGING you to go out and find some happiness for YOU (not for them) or throwing women your way ("Hey Dad, you GOTTA meet so-and-so's mom, she's SO cool and she's divorced too *HINT HINT*), they'll likely just fight you on the subject. You could bring home Mary Poppins and it wouldn't help if they saw it as trying to replace their mom if they're not ready.