Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lizzyb, Jun 15, 2007.

  1. lizzyb

    lizzyb New Member

    Hello all,
    I am still wrestling with my decision to stand firm with my difficult child this past Monday night. difficult child is 18, she discharged from rehab in January (spent 17 months there), she has relapsed in every way except using again. She has been thrown out of 3 houses, she stopped going to AA meetings, she went off her medications (celexa, trazodone, wellbutrin) and can't hold down a job. She sleeps around to get men to buy her food. She called and asked to come home. After a long discussion with husband, PCs and the director of the facility she spent 17 months in, I decided NOT TO ENABLE her by flying her home. It was VERY hard to tell her no she couldn't come home. She thinks that a change in geography will make the difference. She still blames others. She is walking down a dark road and I can't see where she is going.

    I am sad. I want my little girl back.
    Thanks for listening...
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    This must be so hard on you. But you know you are doing the right thing. Enabling her will only make it worse. Big kudos to you for doing it the hard way, Tough love is not easy.

    Welcome to the board! We've all been through it, some not as much as you, some ad nauseum. I hope you find this place to be as comforting as I have.

    Sending hugs and prayers your way.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    First of all, Welcome to the board!! Sorry you had to find us, but it is a great place.

    I know your decision to not allow your daughter back home is a heart wrenching one, but as you said, she still blames others, so you know in your heart that allowing her to come home is not what is going to help her change.

    Until she finds it in her own heart and knows what she needs to do, then allowing her to come home will only destroy your lives and enable her to follow the same road she has been. I do know how you feel because my son has been almost 9 months clean, living in a soberhouse, but I still always have the fear of relapse in the back of my mind, tucked away, and I pray I never have to be faced with him asking to come home, because I know he can't. She isn't going to meetings or following any kind of program, so you know she is just looking for a place to land for awhile while she continues on this path.

    You mentioned she was in a program for 17 months. It doesn't sound like she took advantage of the tools they were teaching. She's young and hopefully in time she will mature enough to realize what she is doing. My sons first detox/rehab was when he was 18. He went through many of them and in and out of a few soberhouses before he realized what he was doing, and what he needed to do. He is now 20.

    I'm sure others will be along soon to lend there support and experience.

    Hope finding this group will help you feel a little better about your decision.
  4. STILLjustamom

    STILLjustamom New Member

    I don't know the background of what you have been through with your daughter but I'm sure you and your family know her well enough to tell her she can't come home at this time. How far away does she live? Does she have any family support there or a doctor she goes to?
  5. lizzyb

    lizzyb New Member

    After she discharged, she went to live at her auntie's house. She stopped taking her medications, started dating a 42 yr old AA member and it was all downhill from there. She admits dating was not a good idea, but it hasn't stopped her. She learned GREAT tools while in rehab, but she is opting not to use them.

    In the meantime, we live in hopes that she will suddenly wake up and say I don't want to live this way anymore...

  6. judi

    judi Active Member

    Aw Lizzy - so glad you joined us but sorry you had to - lol. Many of us have been thru similar situations. Prayers and hugs.
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Just wanted to welcome you to the board. I am sure it is so hard for you to see your difficult child going right back to her old ways after such a long time in Rehab. It is so hard to make the decision to not let them come home. It oes against our mateernal response that tells us we must "help them, protect them, give them time to mature" And yet sometimes not letting them home is the only real choice we have. You have made the decision and that was so hard. Now comes an even harder part sticking to it. Hang in there. You will get through this. -RM
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Glad you joined us. I know from experience that until an addict wants to be clean, he or she will use. When they become sick and tired of their lives and hit bottom, then they are ready for help. Often it takes several tries before they are successful. Some never get better. Hopefully your daughter will hit bottom and begin to recover before anything really horrible happens. Until then, lean on the shoulders here. Learn to say no and mean it. Don't enable. Cry when you need to. And take care of yourself---you could be in this a long time.
  9. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Hi and welcome. We're a great bunch here in our little corner of :smile:

    :warrior: Here's some polish for your warrior shield which we parents need for use with our difficult child's.
  10. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Hello and Welcome :warrior:

    So sorry for your hurting heart! Big (((Hugs))) and prayers coming your way.

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I, too, want to welcome you aboard. It really helps to have kindred spirits available to listen with understanding. DDD

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Hi Lizzyb:

    I think you are doing the right thing.
    She will never stand on her own until she is forced to.
    She may fail.....that is very scarey for a parent. Or, you may find you have to do this more than once.....I did. :hammer:
    It's a judgement call really....How has she proven to you that she can be productive and live in your home? Sounds like she hasn't proven it yet.
    My difficult child also slept around for men to buy her things. She did all sorts of horrible things.....she is an addict. Sounds like your daughter has yet to admit that to herself.....and she will have to before any change is possible. If you flew her home, could you get her into a program, so that she goes there instead of your home?
    I wish you luck and send prayers,it takes alot of strength to go through what you are.

    Melissa :angel:
  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    HI there! I want to say dont get too discouraged. she is going to learn that you mean what you say. in order for her to get better, you are going to stick to your guns about her promises. if not, she can choose her own lifestyle.

    having said that, I can say it is so hard to let go. I threw my son out 4 of more times before I could begin to rebuild our relationship, and only when he is helping himself would I help him. he truly went worse and worse from age 18 til 21. he did what he wanted when he wanted and got more trouble, more drugs and made me a grandma.

    he called me on his 21st BD and was at his bottom. he was in Reno, homeless, hungry and about to take his life with an overdose. I had to tell him I thought he should come home, face the music (which meant jail). he did. that was 3 yrs ago. in the past 9 months he has not missed work, and last week for the first time was allowed to have his son with him for the whole week unsupervised by me.

    he is not perfect and never will be. he has another child on the way it someone he doesnt even know much. but.....he is drug free. he still drinks. a slow process as we watch their lives unfold.
    have you read these two books?? they really helped me when I was in the dumps and trying to figure out the madness.

    boundaries by townsend and cloud

    codependent no more by melody beattie

    both free to borrow at the library.

    as much as this part of parenting hurts, you are loving her to the extreme by holding her to a higher standard. God bless.
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Good call, Ant's mom, on the Codependent No More book. I forgot what a great book that was.

    Also, "24 Hours a Day in Al-Anon". It's a daily affirmations book. An Anon meeting would work wonders as well.
  15. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Hi Lizzy and welcome to our little corner of the board. Sorry you had to find us, as that means things aren't going very well, but you'll find this to be a very supportive group.

    My son was receptive to getting help (with a lot of nudging, but not before being arrested unfortunately), so I've never had to throw him out of my home, but I definitely know about having to stand firm, drawing the line in the sand and letting them know that the drugging won't be tolerated. With my son, it was from home into a long-term dual-diagnostic treatment facility. Standing firm is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

    Hugs to you. I know this is really difficult.
    Again, welcome aboard.

  16. lizzyb

    lizzyb New Member

    Thank you all for such warm, heartfelt replies. Thank you. I have read Codependent No More, but not the other book mentioned. I will go to the library tonight to find it. Also, I do attend Alanon when I can...lately feels like I could go every night.

    And I am taking care of myself: I've run over 45 miles so far this month and it feels so gooood. Burn up the stress and worry. And I garden and my hubby loves me...

    But she is angry with me. She only called when her sister demanded she call me because I was so worried. It seems like she wants to take things out on me. She was in West Palm Beach and now she is in Atlanta with a girl she was in treatment with. She was in a long term dual diagnosis program in Tennessee and it was a good place for her to be, but she is on a very dark road.

    thanks again,
  17. lizzyb

    lizzyb New Member

    loving her to the extreme...

    what a great way to think about this truly is the hardest test I've ever been put to as a're right, I am loving her to the extreme....but for now she doesn't see it that way...i hope one day she will understand.
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm so glad to hear you go to alanon. I got so much from that when I first found out my son was an addict. I'm also glad to hear you are doing good stuff for you. That is so important not to allow this to consume your life.

    Glad you found us!!