My heart is in pieces...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Big Bad Kitty, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    So last week I got a call from DEX's g/f telling me that DEX is in jail, because of DWLS and failure to appear. Last weekend should have been Tink's visit with him, and of course, it did not happen. I just let the weekend go by and didn't say anything to her about it.

    Well today her little internal clock reminded her that she has not seen her dad in awhile. So I had to tell her that she won't be seeing him for awhile, and why. In retrospect, I could have lied to her, and maybe I should have, but it did not dawn on me to do anything but tell her the truth.

    Now Tink wants to visit him. His g/f, who has taken all the visitations thus far, will have to give up one of them so Tink can see him. The g/f is SO jealous, I wonder if she is going to give me a hard time. She's so jealous, when they come to pick up Tink, first of all, she ALWAYS has to come with (he is not allowed to be alone with me) and then he has to park the car in front of the dumpsters so that she can see upstairs to my front door. She Has to make sure that he does not come into my house. He keeps his feet planted on the patio and leans in. It's nauseating. Anyways, something tells me that she is not going to relinquish a visitation day at the thought of *gasp* me being in the same room as him, without her to monitor him (never mind the 6" of glass seperating us, and the fact that our kid is with us).

    But that is all secondary. This kid is in pieces, "I want my daddy, my daddy, I'm never going to see my daddy again". She pulled out her piggy bank and counted out 75 pennies, and wondered if that would be enough to get him out. How do you not cry watching that. She is heartbroken. Her daddy is the apple of her eye. I broke her heart and i feel horrible about it.

  2. Alisonlg

    Alisonlg New Member

    Oh BBK...I cried right along with you reading how Tink counted out her pennies! :frown: I'm so very sorry. But, please don't be so hard on yourself...YOU didn't break her heart...her daddy broke her heart. He's the one who landed himself in jail, not you.

    Be there for her. She'll get through it. And cut yourself some slack.

  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I think you did the right thing as painful as it is to Tink. There isn't any logical excuse that would work since he is involved with her (sometimes absentee dads are a good thing).

    Would girlfriend be willing to take Tink to see her dad and would you be willing to allow this (you sit in the car or arrange to meet somewhere nearby for pick up/drop off)? If not, maybe the best thing would be to simply tell Tink she can't see her daddy until he is either home or moved to a different place that allows little girls to visit the daddies that don't live with their children? At least this way you would have an answer if she asked why other kids could see their dads.

    It's a shame girlfriend is so jealous and insecure. I hope she realizes that Tink and, therefore, you will always be in his life. She needs to grow up and get a grip.

    I'm sorry your little one is in such pain right now. Kids don't deserve to pay for their parents' mistakes.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    BBK, you did the right thing and it wasn't you who broke her heart, it was her daddy. Telling the truth was better than telling a lie because if she heard otherwise, THAT would reflect badly on you. It's best this way.

    Let us know how it goes with the girlfriend and visit. I can't beleive a grown woman can be jealous of a little girl - what a freak.

    Many gentle hugs to you - take care and go easy on yourself.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    this is so sad. Stupid decisions on the part of adults negatively affect their children every day. I just don't get it. Poor tink.

    I'm a little on the fence regarding telling Tink her dad is in jail when she is just 6. If he was only going to be in there a short time, I think I might have made up some excuse about business or something. I don't know. I know he is responsible for his relationship with his daughter but....... I honestly don't know what I would have done were I in your place.

    Big hugs to your little girl.

  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, wow.
    I agree with-Jo ... you didn't break her heart. Her daddy did. You simply delivered the news.
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    BBK - Like the others have said, it's her dad that broke her heart and you're left to pick up the pieces. Couldn't he have called Tink? They do have phones in jail, don't they?

    I'm so sorry that she is hurting right now.

    by the way, keep an eye on girlfriend and how she is with Tink. If she's that jealous of you, she's also jealous of Tink. been there done that.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh Kitty........You know I have and am going through this with my son........and I know how heart breaking it is to watch. It just tears me up.....literally to watch. I am so sorry Tink is having to endure the same torture my son has been makes me capable of doing unmentionable things towards these yahoos of men.

    For what it is worth I always told the truth to my son about his dad. Always, always, always........since he was little he knew his dad was a crack addict, and he knew, if he was in jail, why. I firmly believe in always telling the truth, because kids always find out when you don't. Tink would have found out sooner or later that you had lied to her about her dad, and then that would be a chink in her trust of you. Not only that, when you talk to kids they watch not just your words, but also your body language - so when you lie - they can see the inconsistencies in the 2, and they become completely confused. So in my opinion, you did the only thing possible and that was tell the truth.

    She absolutely needs to see her dad, and legally I think you can make girlfriend give up her visits because Tink has her visitation rights spelled out by the law. I know from experience If Tink sees her dad, then a lot of this angst will go away. If she can just see him, and connect with him, and know he is OK, than she will calm down and be more at peace with the reality of the situations.

    And don't ever worry about stating life facts to Tink about her Dad. Telling her that daddy made a really bad choice, and this is what happens when people make these really bad choices, I think helps her process the world more logically. You don't want her to think that bad people did this to daddy - but that we are all responsible for our own choices - and unfortunately this was his.

    Forgive me if I sound bossy..........I have just been through this day, after day, with my son - and I have thought SO much about all of this - I am just really opinionated now.
    My thoughts will be with you.........and I am sending big cyber hugs. Stay strong.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Truthfully, I tend to think it is better for her not to see her
    Daddy while he is incarcertated. I don't know how they do it in
    your community but here (I understand as I refuse to do jail visits) the visits are done by camera/video/whatever. It is not
    intimate in any way and at six she probably would then want to hug him or kiss him and would be further upset because it is not
    allowed. According to easy child/difficult child the other inmates are visible in the background, they can be heard (not appropriate for a little
    girl) and..I believe..Tink would be observed by other men who are
    locked up. Personally, with all the scarey people in the world
    I wouldn't want to take a chance that my small child would be
    observed by potential weirdos.

    To me it makes sense to tell Tink that her Daddy did not take care of papers what were suppose to taken care of and because of
    that he is in jail for a little while. He is fine. Yes, he will
    miss her during the time he is not home but he does not want her
    to come visit. Then end it on an up note, for example, Daddy would love to get a pretty picture or a dictated letter etc.
    That way she is "doing what Daddy wants" and "Mommy thinks is best" AND she gets to take a positive action.

    I don't know that I am right...but I think I am. DDD
  10. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Poor little one.

    I don't think lying to her would have been the answer. She would have eventually found out and then there would be trust issues to resolve.

    I wouldn't want my child in a jail either, but if she can't be stalled you might want to have her write to her dad. Perhaps it's unknown how long he will be locked-up at this point, but maybe corresponding would be helpful at least in the interium?
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Thanks everyone...yeah, I know its not really my fault, but it sure feels like it. Oh that little face, I can hardly stand it.

    Yeah, the more I think about it, probably not a good idea to have her visit. He is in county lock up, and visitation there is on the phone through glass. She'll want to hold him. Besides, I'm sire that the reason he has not called is because he does not want her to know that he is there. He thinks I will cover for him.

    Like, she isn't going to realize that she is not seeing him? Duh?

    G/F said he should be there through end of the month, then possibly moved to another county for child support on his other kids. Now, I am trying to decide of I should make a motion for him to pay up child support for Tink while he is already locked up. I'd been letting him slide because he has not been working (LOSER) and I did not want to rock the boat. But he's in jail already. What's the difference? I just called the courthouse. He owes $16,000.

  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I agree with DDD. I think that everything you did was right. You told her the truth and she should know that. She should not go to a prison. She can have a more positive image in her heart if they correspond by mail, or phone-without her having to see him there. It's a disturbing image to see her father locked up and behind glass..etc. I know your child is hurting and am so, so, sorry. There is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt. I would make him pay, for Tinks sake. It's money to help take care of her. That was decided by a judge. He didn't want to spend the money on his daughter? That was a bad decision on his part. I'm so sorry.Hugs.-Alyssa
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know my Father was in prison when I was young and nothing could have changed my mind that he was the best!!! Even when he didn't show up for visits, too busy with girlfriend's, even when he gave up all rights to me at 5yo...
    I didn't see him again until I was 13. Even then... I hated the world but all I wanted was to have a Dad... Of course he blew it. My point being, Dad's can mess up pretty big in a little girls eye's and most of us are very forgiving. Even if Daddy doesn't deserve it!!!

    She will deal with it and get over it!!! She has you.

    I know it is hard and it most likely rips out your Mommy heart to have anyone hurt your baby. But you can only control so much of his actions and how they affect her. You are left picking up the peices and doing damage control...

    SO sorry. Hugs

    I wouldn't take her to visit either...
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    thanks for posting this. I am going to need to know how to handle this eventually for Kaleb when ant is in jail. sigh.
    for now, he is 3 and loses track of time so I will not take him to jail. last time he saw ant behind glass he pounded on the glass and cried. he was demanding ant come out and thought ant was being cruel and teasing him by not coming out.

    this time I will not take kaleb I do not think.

    poor tink
    the lil dear.
  15. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    No, I would not take Kaleb either. Wow, my eyes are tearing up at the thought of that too.

    Oh, to be able to take your kid's pain away. I know it builds character, but boy it breaks a mommy's heart.

  16. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Just a comment a support ~

    My easy child recently asked me if she could sue her dad for child support.

    I explained how many yrs I chased the loser for support. Each time I found out were he was working he quit and the whole process was started all over again until I finally said forget it.

    If you have an order already done ~ I would pursue it!

  17. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I'm not comfortable with-Tink going to the jail either. I don't think it's in her best interest to have her see her father as a prisoner and to be subjected to the other criminals. Could they be pen pals instead?
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I agree. She would die a little if she saw her dad like that. He would completely die if his little girl saw him like that. Not a good situation for either one of them.

    She is very intuitive, and I think that deep down, she does not want to see him there. She has not asked again. She just keeps asking when he is getting out.

    Arrrrrgh. I want to shake that man. He is SO much better off there, at least he is not making any more babies. They can force him to go on work release and get a job, can't they? That's what they need to do. He's got an awful lot of kids out there that need money to live on.

    Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just sending gentle hugs to you and Tink.
  20. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    Your daughter is so lucky to have you!