Welcome to BOTH of you. ilovedaisies, you should start your own thread and introduce yourself and your daughter and more about her.
sharard777, can you give us specific examples of what kinds of situations cause her to explode? Has she ever seen a child psychiatrist? Is her father around and/or involved? Is she on any medications?
My kids both say VERY hurtful things a lot like what you've said. In my case, I am the ONLY person difficult child 1 feels safe enough to say them to. He ONLY says them in the heat of the moment when his mind is in a tailspin that he can't stop. I work hard at reminding myself it's not HIM saying them intentionally. If he really meant them, he would act it and say them ALL the time but he doesn't. It is ONLY when he's really worked up.
You have both found a great place. The years of experience and knowledge here is next to none. Stick around and you'll see what I mean.