HI Lisa, and welcome. I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is the toughest road we are traveling here, all at different points along the pathway.
He left and has been gone for 5 nights. I feel sick. It's cold and I don't think he has anywhere to go. I've given him so many chances and tried to help for so long, I know it's the right thing to do, but I can't stop crying. Am I doing the right thing? Of course, every one will tell me so. Why am I so upset?
Your post brings me back to many times I have had to make one or both of my two leave our home. Their drug use and lifestyle choices turned our home into a place I did not want to be, there was no telling what I may come home to. Hubs and I had to lock our wallets in our vehicles, we had to put key locks on bedroom doors. The list goes on and on.
But still, they are our beloveds.
Lost in a drug haze.
You didn't cause this, can't cure it, or control it.
And, yes, there was an overwhelming sadness that engulfed me, each time my two did something over the top that made it painfully clear they could not live with us any longer.
I had to step up and be the tough one. Still do.
I was upset, sad, mad, all of those feelings that well up into a grieving over their choices, what could be, the waste of time and life spent "chasing the dragon" of drugs.
Then there was the undeniable, unrealistic feeling that somewhere down the line I had failed them. Believe me, they sensed that and used it over and again to tug at my heart and that coerced me to give in to their pleas to come home. Promises made, and broken of how "it would be different this time".They would behave for a few days, then it would all start, staying out till all hours, sleeping all day as we went off to work and school. Things and money missing, heirloom jewelry. Street types invited over our house.............
It came to the point where living with them was unbearable.
He's polite, does whatever I ask and we basically get along except for the drug use and stealing. I'm sure he's manipulating me, but I miss him and I'm worried about him.
This makes it harder, Lisa, that they are
good people, somewhere inside, is that child we so loved, and still do.
It is the behaviors we have to examine.
"Except for the drug use and stealing"
Of course he is manipulating you, of course you are worried about him, I am so sorry for your troubled heart, and all that you are going through. It is what I call the swirley whirley, a time when the reality of the impossibility of this situation gets so caught up and intertwined with our intense love for our d cs, we have this huge hole inside of us, anxiety, depression, we would give our lives for it to be different.
The problem is, our sacrificing our lives and the security of our homes will not change the choices our d cs make.
Am I doing the right thing? I do honestly think that he will never get better unless he is forced to, and hopefully this forces him to get it together. I always think the absolute worse, that he is going to die, which he probably would any way if he keeps smoking heroin.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
I'm just lost and confused and missing my son. Any suggestions?
What helped me come out of the swirley whirley was a process of
shifting focus. For one thing, I have a young son who grew up witnessing the crazy stuff that went on and on. I had to realize what I was allowing in my home, what he was going through. He said one day "Mom, why do we have people living with us who we can't trust?" That rang in my ears and my mind. The simple truth of it.
Understanding that addicts will use the people that love them, use our emotions, steal from us,
if we allow it.
Realizing that love says no.
It is not a loving thing to support an adult child, have them live with us, so it is easier for them to use drugs.
Because that's what it really is,
easier for them, to use drugs, and use us.
Keep posting here, that helps me tremendously, to get the feelings out in a safe place where folks understand and have been or are going through similar journeys.
Join a group, or go to therapy, and read, read, read. It helps to understand the disease of addiction, and how we can fall in to a trap along with it.
You are in a battle with your sons choices, your own feelings and what to do.
It is a crazy making place to be.
It is important to take time for you, be kind to yourself, strengthen yourself.
The article on detachment pasted below, is good to read and find where our fit is and learn from our mistakes. When we know better, we do better.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD
I did slip last week. It was cold and rainy and my son called me. He still has his cell phone. I know many people let that lapse for their kids but I feel I would never hear from him again if I did that Baby steps.
I offered him a place to sleep. He only wanted money but accepted the offer. (Of course) I told him he would have to leave again the next morning and he did. He got a warm night sleep, left without saying goodbye and I haven’t heard from him since.
Don't condemn yourself for things that you find within your heart to do. These are our adult kids, we love them and want them to be safe. It is a very difficult spot to be in, and it is not all in a straight line. We do what we can, and still need be able to look ourselves in the mirror. I am sorry for this, it is the same with my two, I haven't seen or heard from Tornado for months, I can only go on tidbits of information. The same for Rain, she comes and goes with the wind, with nary a care of how this effects her family.
We are not living normal lives with drug addicted adult children in the mix. Sometimes, I take cues from my well children, who are not as vested emotionally with their siblings. Whenever the next surprise visit, or word of their sisters latest drama, they shake their heads and look at me and say "Are you surprised?", or , "Typical", or "Same ole, same ole." They don't go down that rabbit hole of worry, anger, sadness. It is because they have become calloused to it after all of these years. That is not to say they do not love them, but have built up themselves an armor against the craziness of it all. This is a good lesson for me, because my wasting away with fear and anxiety does nothing to change the situation, in the meantime, it is just another Tuesday for my two wayward adult children. I was tempted to write "my two girls", but, they are not girls, they are women. They are capable of doing better, they just don't choose to.
They would drag us all into their mess, without a care of how it would effect us. Someone had to change, and that someone,
is me.
But reading other stories, so similar to my own, I want to get off the crazy train, not have to hide my belongings and be free.
My son is the king of making me feel guilty.
You can get off the crazy train, in fact, you have already begun. It starts with a thought, and then action. We finally get uncomfortable enough that we have to make a move, the crazy behaviors, theft and chaos override everything. It is unacceptable to live this way. A well adult child respects their parents and the sanctity of our home. Drug addicted d cs are like toddlers throwing tantrums. We would not let a two year old rage on and continue unacceptable behaviors, injure themselves and our property. This is no different.
No, you can not live here, as long as you are using drugs, and abusing us.
As far as the guilty feelings go, this is not on you,
it is on him. His choices, his consequences.
Most of us here, will tell you we have gone through the same thing. My two would tell me, "It is because of you, that I am this way!"
I would fall into that trap, reel the tapes of raising them, and find instances where I wished I did better. My guts would churn, I couldn't sleep, it was all consuming.
Then, I forgave myself,
for being human. We all make mistakes. I did not abuse my kids, and did the best I could. Probably do things a bit different now, but I am older.
I have reams of photos of family times and happy faces.
The thing is, addicts are very, very good at manipulating our aching hearts, to get what they want. Guilt is a very strong emotion, driving us to do things we wouldn't ordinarily do, as if it was some sort of compensation for what we lacked.
Guilt even that we have a roof over our heads, clean clothes, food,
"while my child is out there, somewhere."
We imagine them hungry, cold, whatever the concern is.
Well, these are consequences for the choice of drugging.
It sounds cold, and hard.
But it is fact.
They are of an age, where they are making their own choices and need to feel the consequences of those choices, in order to want different.
It may help you to make a mental list of everything your son has put his family through, for his choice of smoking heroin.
Times when you start to feel guilty for the consequences of his own choices, pull out that list.
This is one way to switch focus away from his consequences (cold, hungry, etc.) towards the unacceptable conditions he put YOU through.
Here is some of mine.
Lying, stealing, untrustworthy, gaslighting, blame, destruction of property, chaos, drama.
I have also turned my mindset around from thinking "This is not how I raised my kids, this is not the real them." To "This is my kids, on drugs."
So, after my husband passed, and Tornado hugged me and whispered in my ear "I am going to come home, Mom."
I pulled away and said "No, you are not."
She gave me the this is not fair, hurt look.
I was hurt, too, having to say that at such a difficult time in my grief. But, I had come to grips with her addiction, and knew the turmoil it would cause in my home. I said to her
"You do not get help here, you need to go to a DV shelter, or rehab."
The truth is, my two do not seek help when they are in my home. I realized, my "helping" wasn't helping them at all, and they were dragging us all down.
I can't allow that, and neither can you, or any of us.
We are their parents, their first teachers. In refusing to enable them, learning to focus on self care,
we are modeling behaviors we wish them to have for themselves.
At first, this feels selfish, as mothers, it is ingrained in our being, to sacrifice our own time, for our children.
We did this, Lisa. To the best of our ability.
They are grown men and women now, and need to learn how to be responsible adults.
We do them no favors by allowing them to tread upon us like rugs.
One thing that struck me reading a former users posts was what he wrote, in a nutshell...... "One of the reasons why we get high, is to forget about all the horrible things we did to our families, because when we are not high, all of those memories of what we did, stole, lied, etc. come raging back, the only thing to make it go away, is to get high again."
I reason with myself that if I stand up and do not allow my two to take advantage of me, to manipulate me,
I am truly helping them.
Just some rambling thoughts on a Sunday morning for a fellow warrior sister.
If you have a belief in a higher power, go to that faith. I pray a lot for my two, and I gave them to God, believing they were only on loan to me in the first place. I raised them as best I could. It got to the point where I had to lift my head up and say "Lord, this is way more than I can handle, please watch over them for me. I am giving them back to you."
I love them dearly.
I will not allow them to take one more precious moment of my peace, my joy.
Take what works for you, and leave the rest.
None of us are experts here, just folks who have been on a similar journey, different areas along this path.
I think what most of us have found is that while we cannot control or change our adult kids,
we can learn how to control and change our reactions to their choices.
It takes hard work and training, changing our mindset and focus. It doesn't happen overnight. But, it is possible to start each day to do small things stepping towards that direction.
I hope you are feeling better today.
Take one day at a time, and be very kind to yourself.
You matter.
The sanctity of your home matters.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy