My son is a homeless drug addict...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi all,
    It has been a long while since I've posted. I wanted to tell you all that young difficult child (as I always used to refer to him) has gotten his life cleaned up, attending AA, supporting his family and is living the good life...but this is not to least not now. Maybe never.

    I thought husband and I would help him get on his feet by letting him live with us this past yr a half. I thought he had humbled himself enough from being out on the streets a few months to really appreciate a clean drugs, no filth...Just a mom and a dad working to improve our lives everyday, meals on the table and a comfy bed to sleep in...but it's never enough when you're an addict at your core...and clearly not ready to quit.
    I even got him in to see a Dr and a Therapist...also applied for disability. I thought we were on the right track.

    It was July 6/7. I took him to his Dr and Therapist appointments. He seemed upbeat afterwards. New prescription. We dropped it off...or I should say HE dropped it off. I never saw least not until later that night.

    Apparently what he was rxd that day was mind altering...and so after it was filled and we got home...I began to see a difference in his behavior. He wanted a haircut. But husband said No. That's all it took. Just a NO.

    I walked by the office to check on him as he frequently was at the computer. One of the chairs was broken. I went and got husband and then discovered difficult child was in the bathroom shaving his head while on the phone with someone saying, "Yes, it's bleeding but I got this." I demanded he open the bathroom door. He was shaving his whole head with a regular razor and cutting himself left and right. I was beside myself! And it was clear that difficult child was NOT in his right mind! I told difficult child, "I can't live like this! Normal people do not live like this!" I was done. Nothing we had tried to do to help improve difficult child's situation had worked.

    It was at this point that difficult child went into his room and began to pack. husband and I stood in the doorway and then he yelled, "What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? I told him, "I don't know but you cannot live here any longer!" He began to hit himself in the head with a plastic hanger, which broke on his head and caused more bleeding. husband told me to call 911.

    I did call...and while I was on the phone with the 911 operator difficult child grabbed something. I thought it was a screwdriver but it turned out to be a fork. I had told the operator difficult child grabbed a screwdriver, also told her that he had Bipolar disorder and was hurting himself. husband decided that taking difficult child to the hospital himself was a better idea than waiting for the police and so they headed down the road. The police arrived and were on high alert! I had to explain to them that husband and difficult child had already left.
    What I didn't know is that difficult child was becoming increasingly more and more suicidal by the moment. He jumped out of husband's truck on the way to the hospital!

    It has been almost 2 months now since this incident.
    I saw difficult child yesterday. He texted me and asked if I could meet him at the train station and buy him a few white T-shirts and a meal. So I headed to Walmart and picked up T-shirts, socks, a toiletry kit, and a pair of jeans. More than he asked for...but it made me feel better.
    I took him to Long John Silvers for a meal. Then he asked if I could get his haircut. He began to describe the area we were in by reminding me when he was little that I used to take him nearby to a haircut place after school when I would also buy him Pokemon cards. The pain began to hit me again...

    I do that. Like so many of us do. I still see him as a newborn in Germany (where husband was stationed in the Army) taking him home on the Strauss and young girls admiring us with our new baby. I still see him (around age 8 or 9) on the living room floor with Lego's spread out everywhere eager to find that next piece.
    I don't see him as a 27 yr old homeless mom and husband are always reminding me that THAT is who he has chosen to be. That he is NOT an innocent baby, or a young boy. He is a homeless drug addict.

    He tells me of life on the streets...being propositioned, being asked to participate in crimes, sleeping on concrete in construction sites, his 2 is more mentally ill than difficult child and spends much of his time in and out of the hospital's. difficult child is angry that this is how we treat our fellow man.
    He still won't humble himself enough to accept G-d either. Acts like it is all nonsense.
    He has bug bites on his legs, his skin is much darker than it was when he was at home. I know he felt better about himself after I got his haircut. He looks so much like his older brother when he is cleaned up a bit.
    Still don't see oldest difficult child...but that's another post for another day.

    I know what I didn't tell you all. Young difficult child's wife left him for another man this past year and half. She also became pregnant and just recently had the baby. She is STILL legally married to young difficult child.
    It's an awkward situation as she is making house with a new man and his 4 sons now a fifth son...while she also has our 3 grandchildren. Yes, that' s 8 children! It seems she replaced young difficult child with another man and a new baby. I can't even imagine raising 8 children. And to top it off the man's 4 boys mother died of a drug overdose this past yr...he was also still married while seeing my daughter in law at the time of his wife's death.

    So where was I...Yep, my son is a homeless drug addict.
    I am his mother. Thank you for being here and reading for caring.
    You all son and I both need help.

  2. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I am so so sorry for your pain. As I read your post I too could picture my sweet young son, and felt that familiar lump in my throat.

    This week I've been doing a lot of that... I was at the boys elementary school on Tuesday for teacher meetings, and j hadn't been there since youngest left grade five. I glanced over at the wall if the gym I was sitting in and could picture my young boys lined up for Christmas concerts, grade five graduation....

    It should have only been nostalgic, but I think to us moms who have children with addiction, it's actually physically painful. Instead if fondness for the memories, we feel hurt and pain.

    Our youngest moves out today... I've been awake since four am, not sure what I am feeling. Very sad yet some relief? Maybe I was never cut out for this... I certainly didn't picture this as the ending of my mothering days....

    I am trying to make a new beginning with my husband, who is a good person who brings me comfort and support.

    I hope for some peace for you too.... I know it's not always possible, maybe being resigned to this is a better goal? Because how can we ever feel true peace when our children are in pain? I don't know if I can...

    Take care
  3. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    LMS, hugs and love to you. This is way too too much for any mom.
    I believe you did the right thing, the only thing, in having him leave. How could you possibly have tried any harder?
    ...and then off the rails we go...
    I do so love that you were able to meet him for clothes, lunch, haircut. This had to be good for both of you. It's a tangible way to show we still love them.
    Your pain is palpable. It is something I deal with daily, that remembering and yet knowing where we are now. My natural use of the word "we"---that's where he is now, I'm not there-he's not me. How to separate, no wonder mother/son is so difficult.
    Today I hope you find a little peace-- from one mother's heart to another. Prayers.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Heartbreaking story. I feel the pain of memories too. Memories that should be happy.

    We all hope that somehow we can get back to that place where the world is good and everything feels "normal" again.

    Why didn't I appreciate normal more when I had it??


    Stay strong today. It will be alright.
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you all so very much for the replies.

    This is isn't in a million yrs how we dreamt it would turn out for our son's is it. And...It is not for lack of effort. I am sure of that! husband is a bowling coach and gets great reward in working with other people's children. He reminds me often that we are "not in charge of the results...only the execution". Just like in bowling...what happens when you let go of the ball (even if you have done everything right up until that point) is not guaranteed!
    It doesn't mean we weren't cut out for this...I honestly believe that genetic material plays a large part in how much more challenging our children are to raise from other's. Our daughter makes us look like wonderful parent's while our son's make us look like we barely tried. And yet it was our son's we gave our blood sweat and tears to...our all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am sure you and your husband have worked tirelessly for your son's and done your very best...and ARE great parents! ...despite how you see the results so far. Hang in there.

    So ready to Live...
    Thank you for your understanding. Yes, Since my oldest went to Prison almost 10 yrs ago I have felt that "where you are, I am" with my son's. I really don't know how to let go completely and stay that way. I have thought that I was there many times in the past. But I am not...I need help. And so today, this morning, I called a former Licensed Counselor that my mom and I saw for awhile when she and I were having some difficulties in our relationship. I am hoping that this counselor will be able to give me the reinforcements I need, the back up that what I am feeling, doing, is "normal."

    Normal, I'm not sure I know what normal is anymore. It all seems relative. I guess I try and fake what is normal to others on the outside. Facebook is fake for me. Pics of my beautiful grandchildren...yes. Trips with husband...yes. But none of this actual story is there for others to see. Only here on Conduct Disorders...where it is safe to share with others who understand...who are living it too.

    Thank you all.
  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    So glad you can express yourself and write the raw truth, ugly truth I try not to think a out.

    So I sit here waiting to take our Difficult Child to doctor, while he's on another forum talking to recovery heroin addicts...reading trends and advising them...advising them! It's so's funny.

    The fact is...we did the best we knew how with what we had. Never would I have believed I would have been a parent to a drug dealer, user and kind of crazy dude.....but here I is whAt it is.

    I cried with you....get the help..cause the sun will rise and set regardless.

    It seems your son too feels like the little boy he was too..your his Mom who has always loved him...He may always see that.
  7. Robert44

    Robert44 Member

    Wow that was some story. All the best to you. This isn't easy for sure. I'm at a loss. I only know what I'm dealing with. My son has mental illness. The whole think is so illogical. It's really so sad. I'm guessing that many of these kids have mental illness and then they turn to drugs. That's what happened to my son. Breaks my heart to hear these stories. I pray for all of us and our children. We love them so much.We would do anything for them. Oh well, we must never give up
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  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hi LMS, it is nice to hear from you. Your update is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry it all continues, for him and for you.

    The sweet memories are what really get me sometimes, too. I used to say, "If I only knew then how things would go." Now I am glad I didn't, after seeing so many stories of parents who have done all they could possibly have done. It likely would not have made any difference; I am glad I just have the joy of those memories. It is all out of our control, just out of our control. May angels watch over your son, all of our children, tonight.
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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, LMS.

    Do you still get to see your grandkids?
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi LMS. I was hoping that your absence meant things were going well. I am so sorry to hear of this sad turn of events.

    You and your husband have done so much for your son. Now it is up to him. It is never too late. My daughter got tired of living the druggie life and has been in a program and sober for six months. She is like a different person.

    It's good to see you even though I wish you didn't have to be here.


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  11. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member


    You are just the most decent, patient and loving person and it breaks my heart to read this. I'm so sorry for all of it.
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the thoughtful/caring replies...I have been trying to stay busy in an attempt to distract myself from thinking about difficult child. It doesn't seem to be he keeps calling me.

    I did get to see my grandchildren (Young difficult child's) this weekend Applecori. They are so fun and growing up way too fast. husband and I took them to the park, went on walks, played with bubbles, coloring books and ate way too many unhealthy goodies!

    Unfortunately, difficult child, called me while they were at our home. He wanted me to take $20 to him as he was hungry and said he had lost his shelter ID and couldn't eat til he worked again. I told him I had his children with me at the moment and could not come to his rescue. I told him "I cannot bail you out of every street situation". I feel so bad but he just can't rely on me all the time.

    I so appreciate the sentiment, prayer, hope from you Albatross, to have Angels look over our children. Having a grown "child" living in the streets tends to keep us on edge all the time! I don't know if y'all are like this but I find myself checking my local news App a lot and hoping that I don't see anything negative about a young homeless man on it.

    Kathy, I am so thrilled to read of your update on daughter. She has come a Looooooong way from the relentlessly manipulative, drug seeking ways of the past. I so pray her progress continues and that this new person you are seeing sticks around! Hugs

    Calamity Jane, You are too very kind to me. I have my faults. But I do think I am patient! No doubt about that, lol. I have been here on the board since 2002 I believe. Still waiting to get to the other side. G-d willing maybe someday.

    Love to you all,
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  13. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Very dear LMS,

    I am so very sorry about your son. You have done everything, and more, that a mother can do for her son, and now you must look after yourself a bit, so although it is dreadfully hard, I'm sure you have done the right thing.

    I just wanted to send you a HUGE hug.

    Love, Esther
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, Sweet Lady, I am SO very SORRY that he has made these choices. It truly is NOT your fault in any way! You and your dear husband have gone so far above and beyond for him and he is perpetually ungrateful. Please don't keep thinking of him as that child. I had to put away ALL photos of my oldest when he went to live with my parents years ago because it just hurt too much and I kept thinking of him as a baby or very young child. It wasn't fair to my other kids or my husband, so I put the photos away and did what I could. It still wasn't easy because my youngest and oldest are literally as much of carbon copies physically as my daughter and I, and as my mother and I. And when it comes to old photos of us as kids, even my grandfather and other relatives used to mix up my mother, daughter and myself! So I always had that reminder, but the photos not being out did help.

    Concentrate on healthy things that make your day a positive thing. The grandkids as much as you can, because even if their mom has moved on, the kids still need all the family they can get. Start volunteering for something that makes you feel good - animals, kids, elderly, literacy, whatever strikes your passions. You have so much to give, so use that to help fill your time and use up your energy rather than worrying about your son.

    He may need this time to pull his act together. He knows he doesn't have to live like this, he just wants to right now. Why is beyond me. Just let him live with his actions instead of rescuing him. He is used to being rescued and he relies on it. Do small things as they feel positive to you, and do them for YOU and not him. HE is a man and has proven that he must make his own choices. Until he is ready, you really cannot make him change. I will say that when he is ready, he will accept real help. Even my older brother, who for decades went after me in vicious ways for believing in God, now accepts that there is some Higher Power. He doesn't like the word God, but I don't care what he calls it. I also don't care what church he goes to or what word they use for God. My bro found out that with-o that Higher Power, staying clean and sober won't ever happen. He got sober for a while, got full of himself, and as soon as he started spouting off about being atheist, he fell again. But it was more a stumble, and he got right back up and started again. Now, he isn't hard on me for believing, though we don't talk specifics.

    I hate that your son cannot seem to get it together. I trust that there is a plan and this is part of it. I also trust that someone somewhere will see how special he is and will figure out what something to help. It is in the plan, but it may take a while to happen. Until then, take good care of yourself and your dear husband. Know that I am here for you!

  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Esther...thank you so much for your concern and your Huge hug. You are a long time dear friend to me and I so appreciate it!

    Susie...It's so nice that you and I as well as Esther got to know each other in person many years ago. I am so pleased that both of your difficult son's made it "to the other side".

    I got to see my daughter this morning. I am sometimes sorry that I didn't make my original signature about all 3 of my children but instead, as so often was the case, concentrated on my difficult son's. My daughter is still a shining light amidst the darkness. She reminds me that her dad and I have lived and given and taught and shared valuable information to the next generation (at least one and hopefully 3 of our grandchildren as well) even if we can't see it yet in our son's.

    Difficult "Young" adult child...he texted me yesterday and wanted to know if I would allow him to do his laundry at our house while he showers. I am debating the situation. I may pick him up from the train station and bring him home for a bit to clean up...only to send him right back into the downtown streets of the city to continue on as a homeless person. It saddens my heart to no end.

    I finally got an appointment with previous therapist. I hope she will help me keep my sanity. Some days...some moments...are harder than others to get through.

    Thank you all for being here for me. Sus...I do wish I had more to offer these days. I often feel very depleated...tired and used up. Like my best is behind me.
    Maybe one day I will be more able bodied/spirited to volunteer or in some way give back for others again. Just not ready yet.

    I will continue to read the Board. To learn from you all and your own experiences. I am so grateful this place continues to be here for all of us.

    Hugs and love from me for now,
  16. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Prayers and blessings for you!
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  17. suzie482

    suzie482 New Member

    I feel completely overwhelmed, the story you write could of been written by myself describing my son, I'm struggling so much thinking about my drug addict, homeless son sleeping alone out in the cold and in danger, and yet theres nothing more I can do, I've struggled to help for many years, he's stolen from his family n friends, he lies and deceives me to obtain what he can, I don't know when he's telling the truth, he abused my house and has become selfish, but he's my baby n I long for the child I once knew, I long for the laughter he brought and the kindness he once had in his heart, all we're left with is this young man who's become almost like a stranger, god help me find peace, I think about his life choices and I see him every night in my mind, laying dirty n cold, drugged n stealing, lying n deceiving, what can I do??
  18. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis have done it. You can pray, get help for yourself and remember for him.

    The addict has won...but he's still in there. He can get out, but it is his fight to fight. We hand the tools, but only they can use them.

    May peace and comfort surround our broken hearts.
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  19. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    So so soooo sorry for your continued heartbreak LMS. How I wish I could get through to your son! Don't give up hope, it is possible to stop if the addict chooses to. If it were me I would take him by the hand and fall to my knees in prayer for him right before his eyes. You never know what seeing their mom cry and praying for them can do. Hugs to you sweet lady.