Whatever you do---visit him, write him or not---do it because it will help you, not him. That is my thought today when I make decisions about my son.
He is in jail right now---9th time (by my best count). If I get the fleeting thought or urge to visit him, I wait a while and see if it is sustained. The last two stints I have not visited at all. I have written letters or postcards. This time he has been in for 10 days and I have written one postcard.
If you pay a big price when you visit---before, during and after---I would consider not visiting.
If it will bring you peace to visit, visit.
There is no wrong decision here. If you visit, and it does not go well, you can decide not to visit again.
You can write, and if you get letters back like I have gotten in the past 10 days, you can decide not to write again.
You can make the choice that is best for you.
I do not think that your showing up or not showing up will make any difference in how his life's travels will evolve.
I believe what MWM wrote above with all my heart.
None of this is about me. It is not about what I have ever done or not done... or do or will do or not do... say or will say or will not say. It is about his addiction, and it is about his choices. He continues to choose the drug-induced thinking and lifestyle and not recovery.
My son will recover if and when it is time and he decides he is ready to work on recovery. That will have nothing to do with me.
I like to think about my son's relationship with me, in context with my relationship with my parents. I talk to my parents once every week or two. We have a pleasant conversation. We are close. They are not part of my everyday life in terms of my habits and my actions. I know a lot of people they don't know. I have different habits, attitudes, actions and beliefs than they do. We are completely separate people, even though they are very dear to me and I love them very much. I don't consider what they want or believe when I make my own decisions as a 57-year-old woman. My life is my own.
That is how it needs to be with my son and myself.
I hope that comparison makes sense. It has helped me to remember that comparison and work toward that.
Most importantly, I am very sorry that your precious son is in jail again. I can imagine that you are in pain and despair and fear. I am sorry for the effects on you. Please take care of yourself right now. That is most important. He has made his choice, for now. There is nothing to be done about that, for now.
Turn the focus on you. You deserve peace, rest, contentment, serenity and joy. I hope you can work toward that.