need a point of view!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Jun 29, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I have been brought up by a very wonderful christian woman!! I am a christian also and believe god has gotten me through alot in my life. I have prayed for my daughter for years, and still no change. That doesn't mean I've given up, I know everything is in gods timing. My problem is I listen to alot of messages, and when they start talking about your children, they make it sound like you are not suppose to turn away from your children no matter what! so I sit and feel guilty because I really don't even want to talk to her. Does anyone understand how I feel? My mom brought me up in a Baptist church where they are very strict about everything, which has made me feel guilty about alot of things over the years, this being one of them. I really don't want to have contact with her right now, I guess I just need to confirm that it is OK to feel like this. She is now saying stuff about me to my little grandson which is soooo hurtful!! The ONLY thing i did was say she couldn't move in with me! Other then that I have done alot for her and her kids, but none of that counts!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Who is it you don't want contact with?

    I don't see what religion has to do with contact with somebody. If somebody hurts you, no religion I know of says you have to put up with it. Is that what you're asking? Is it immoral? I'm not a christian, but I would not think any religion would think it's good to put up with abuse no matter who it came from.

    How do you know what she says about you? I'm not sure who the "she" is though...your daughter or your mother.

    I really like this motto and am learning to live by it:
    "What you think of me is none of my business."

    If this is your daughter again, it is probably best for your mental health not to read her FB or listen to her or even read her texts unless she can respect you. It is clearly making you very unhappy and you have the choice of going low to no contact.

    You can't control what she tells her kids about you. You do have control about whether you let other people tell you what she says. You can tell them, "From now on, I don't want to hear anything ____ says. Please respect my boundary in this."
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You have already gone more than the "second mile" with your daughter. You are not expected to give all of your resources to one individual. There is need for balance.

    More than that... sometimes what the kids really NEED is for us to NOT do for then - because then they don't learn how to do for themselves. You are not turning away from need, but from a situation where to be involved only further entrenches her in the wrong mind-set. It is 'help" but it is worse than NO help, if you know what I mean.

    To turn away because you want to preserve a "nice vacation" or "new car" type of thing, would be wrong in my opinion. But to turn away because you need to survive, or to turn away because helping is really hurting... is NOT wrong.
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  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There is helping an adult child who is helping himself. That is one thing. There is even helping a child more than once.

    And then, there is enabling.

    The line between helping and enabling is paper thin, at first.
    Enabling is the beginning of turning our children into beggars, into people who have been taught that if only the story is sad enough, money and housing and cars and etc will fall like manna from Heaven. Enabling is when helping doesn't help. The kids spend our money or whatever money they do have on drugs or gambling or whatever it is and expect us to keep taking care of them. So, what started out as kindness and decency and lending a helping hand ~ which is something all of us needs at times ~ turns into us somehow funding the very drug habit that is destroying our families and killing our kids.

    What our kids need us to teach them is to take care of and provide for themselves.

    That is where true freedom and independence are found. I don't know another way to get the kids started than to say: NO MONEY. NO YOU CANNOT MOVE HOME.

    It isn't pleasant. It is not an easy thing to do. But if we ever want our children to be able to take care of themselves, we have to do it.

    We have to try.

    That is how I see it.

    Have you talked with your priest or minister about this?

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  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Personally I'm not very religious. However, in my humble opinion not helping your child when she has the tools to help herself is not the same as writing your child off completely. I have tons of times when I don't want to talk to people/children. on the other hand I don't stop loving them I just stop the drama by stepping away from it. There is a difference.

    You aren't writing your child off and saying they don't exist or that you don't care. You are still a loving parent you just aren't doing what she wants you to do. God doesn't want us to harm ourselves in order to help others simply because they wont help themselves.
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am a Christian and I struggled with this myself.
    I believe in helping people but as others have said, there is a fine line between helping and enabling.
    For me, I know I did everything I could, I gave my son numerous opportunities to get his life on track. I had to come to accept that he didn't want to live his life on track at least not on the track that I felt he should. With that I had to let him go. I did not turn away from my son any more than you did not turn away from your daughter. We have been there for them, we have done for them, and THEY CHOOSE to be ungrateful for the help offered. They have made it clear that they want to live their lives on their terms but when they get into a bind well then they want mommy and daddy to come to their rescue. You must understand that they cannot have it both ways. They cannot abuse us then expect us to rescue them.
    One thing that is a constant for me is I love my son and I will continue to pray for him. I also understand that my prayers may not be answered in the way I want or in a time frame I want. I have accepted that it may be after I leave this earth that my son will start to make better choices, or not.
    We cannot live their lives for them. We have raised them with morals and values and what they choose to do or not to do with that is on them not on us.
    Please let go of the guilt.
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  7. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You should talk to your priest/pastor/minister about this. Also the book Boundaries is written from a Christian point of view and deals with the issues you are talking about.