Kari, Heather beat me to it about the book.
Re the money side of things - if you can't find the book in a hurry but are sure you have it, or know you haven't got it but can't afford a copy yet, IMMEDIATELY do one of two things:
1) Get it out of your local library; or
2) Check it out online, including the discussion we have on this site in the Early Childhood forum. The forum is discussing the book especially from the point of view of handing difficult pre-schoolers, but really, looked at in that light it would be a worst case scenario for you, since your daughter is older and should be able to cope with more.
It's a darn good book, and frankly, the best option short of therapy. It changes the way you have to interact with her, because things aren't working (for a whole range of reasons that really don't matter in the short term).
It's a way of coping. It's also a different way of parenting which is, I feel, less stressful. A lot less work than what you're doing now, because simply clashing heads is darn hard work.
What you need to do, and this should help you, is try to work out what is pushing HER buttons. DO NOT assume it's you. I doubt very much that it's you, primarily. You could be unwittingly making things harder for yourself, especially if you're trying to be firm, because the discipline methods which are so recommended and which work so well for most kids, can be disastrous for some.
I saw a glimpse of a Dr Phil show today - "Mums ask the experts" type of thing. I only saw the first 'case' - a mother whose toddler daughter is a screamer, has been throwing tantrums since incredibly young; the mother was blaming herself because she didn't bond with the child properly, etc etc.
The experts' responses were, basically, "Don't blame yourself. You have a child who happens to be very needy and she would have been like this anyway - from the history you give, you backed away from bonding BECAUSE she was demanding from the very beginning."
They went on to insist - spanking won't work, especially with a strong-willed child. It only makes them worse because you're using force and thereby teaching THEM to up the ante and use more force in turn. You need to find a totally different direction to get under the skin of such a child, rather than keep banging heads.
The book will help. And no, I don't get dividends - although I think we really should come to a sponsorship deal on this site!
Ross Greene's website on his book also gives the first chapter. Read it - I bet you will recognise your daughter.
One problem I had with the book - I had to get most of the way through, before I could find out how to cope. The newer edition isn't so bad with it, and the discussion on Early Childhood deals A LOT with HOW to manage, and implement it. But perhaps the reason the author makes you wait, is so you can REALLY get a feel for how his observations mesh with your child.
You read the info, then adapt it to your own situation. Use what works, discard what doesn't. Deal only with the problems you CAN fix, and only a small number at a time. And back away if trying to deal with it is causing meltdowns. Soon you will have fewer meltdowns and you can up the ante, as she copes better.
Along the way, you will learn to understand her better. Also along the way, she will see that you are trying to help her and SHE will then begin to understand better. And it is THAT understanding that begins to open doors in her own mind, about where her feelings are REALLY coming from.
It's not a cure. Not is it quick. But as you see progress, ANY progress, you also feel hope. And when you feel hope that is when improvement really begins.
But Kari, this is nobody's fault. Certainly not yours. As someone suggested, she feels safe enough with you to let her full frustration really show. She knows you will love her no matter how beastly she is being. That is actually a great compliment to your power as a mother. OK, it doesn't feel like a compliment, but it also a lever that you will be able to use - she wants to please you, somewhere in there. No kid chooses to be bad. It's the ones who feel they have no choice, or whose impulsivity is not controlled, or who have a poor tolerance to frustration or difficulties understanding especially when they're stressed.
We're adults. We've slowly learned as we've grown up. We all had varying degrees of success with this, but we've had the advantage of more time to get used to the world and its demands on us.
Our children haven't got this luxury - they're still learning. And even the smartest of our difficult children have trouble with this, for a wide range of reasons. As you learn what those reasons are, you become the helper, to support that child as they learn to recognise their own obstacles and step over them (or knock them down). But they clearly are not able to do it without our help. And for a while, they won't recognise that help.
But it does come.
A discipline method that is not producing an improvement in behaviour could be failing for a range of reasons. But if it IS failing, then stop doing it because you're not achieving anything positive. You need to understand WHY it is failing and find another way around it.
An example - difficult child 1 is now 23. He wants to become more independent. To do this, he is taking control of his own appointments (with disability employment agency).
And what is happening? He missed his last two appointments.
After he missed the first one (for which he'd relied on his memory - bad move) he entered the next appointment into his mobile phone's diary. The phone duly reminded him the day before, as he'd programmed it, but the reminder this morning was missed because difficult child 1 had put his phone on the charger, at the other end of the house.
If he had put the reminder on our home computer's calendar, I would have been able to remind him. If he'd talked to his father about it to organise a lift to the appointment ("on your way to work, dad") then once again, we'd have helped.
I told difficult child 1 this and his reply was, "But then I wouldn't be independent - I'd be relying on you again and I have to learn to do this for myself."
I'm trying to help him understand - "No man is an island" (John Donne) which means, even I will liaise with other family members simply to make sure that as a group, we are coordinated. That is a hallmark of true independence, when you communicate with others and share information that can help you liaise with others.
difficult child 1 is never late for appointments, and forgetting is what has happened because he has pushed for a level of independence he's not yet ready for. He will still need a little support, to help him over the next hurdle, and to help him develop his own more foolproof method of remembering appointments.
Through all of this I never said, "You fool! How irresponsible!" because I didn't need to, he was beating himself up about it badly enough. No punishment could be as bad as what he was giving himself. All I can do is support him on his way to independence, at the rate he can handle.
He's actually highly intelligent. It's just that he has short-term memory deficits as well as problem coping with stress and anxiety. If he snarls at me and I can see it's anxiety, I ignore it for the moment and deal with it later, once he's calm.
Kari, there is help. There is hope. For many of us, we've either been there or we are there too.
Keep us posted on how you go.
Marg