Thanks, Sharon.
I appreciate your info. My house is so hectic sometimes...I have 2 difficult children, one almost 14, the other 8, and the easy child (so far anyway) is 2. My husband also has the ADHD issue and has abour zero patience...weekends can be so stressful around here. I have to REALLY try to keep calm and keep everyone calm too. It's not so easy...I get irritated at my husband because I cannot leave without coming home and having him in a horrible mood and my oldest just as crabby, my 8 yo looking confused and the 2 yo vying for all the attention...it's ridiculous being the only "normal" one around here...and that's not saying much...LOL. I have depression and social anxiety disorder..I'm not exactly the epitome of mental health, but I take my medications and vent on here and read my bootie off! Anything I can get my hands on I read that is about ADHD, ODD, parenting, etc.
What you all said about the Total Transformation I figured you would say...I had my misgivings. I feel bad that my Mom spent all the money she did on it, so I will try it and see what happens. She actually bought it for me a couple of years ago...I listened to the cds then also, but my oldest wasn't as defiant as she is now...so I figured I didn't need it. If there is one thing I've gotten out of it listening to all the cds is how to keep from going off on my oldest difficult child. I will tell you, she is the expert at pushing my buttons. She's pushed me before, saying the most hurtful, nasty things...things I NEVER thought my own child would say to me...especially to my face. I've lost it and slapped her in the mouth for it before...not my proudest moments for sure, but you know I'm human. After things calmed down I explained to her that I was wrong, apologized, and we moved on from there. She tried to report me at her school for abuse. Nice, huh? Good thing the therapist at her school knows our family, knows my husband and me, and knew it was a ploy to get even and manipulate the situation. Thankfully the school therapist is my neighbor and has known my kids since they were babies.
I will keep checking in here, and taking in all of your advice. I know you all have been at this longer than me, and I really do appreciate the time and responses. It is nice to know there are others out there who know how I feel. It is so hard to try to explain to someone who has never been through this what it is like. Even saying it, to my own ears, it doesn't sound that bad...I guess you just have to have gone through it, felt the tension in the house, lost sleep, felt like you were a failure as a parent, wondered what you've done wrong, looked at pics of your difficult child in younger days wondering where things turned for the worst and wishing you could have the time back to redo...
I hate being judged by my own parents, parents of other kids, my daughter's teachers, my family, neighbors, etc..I know they think I must not be giving her consequences, or I must not care, etc. My parents tell me I just need to give her a "good swift kick in the a**". Her teachers look at me like I am a neglectful parent because I won't get her assignments for her and babysit her to make her do them. She is going to fail again this year...but I simply cannot bail her out. Last year I allowed her to do summer school and virtual school so she could go to 9th grade. It turned out as I feared...she thinks she can get away with screwing around all year and still advance. The sad thing is they will not give her an IEP because they say she hasn't done any work for them to be able to evaluate what she needs help with...I guess they're right. She sits in class and takes up space most of the time...doesn't do her assignments, etc.
What people and teachers don't seem to understand is that I cannot bail her out. I cannot help her with this school stuff. If it were a matter of her not being able to do the work, then of course I would. She can do the work. She chooses not to. Doesn't like homework, so refuses to do it. The world is not going to make allowances for her. The cops won't say, "Well, ok, you have ODD and ADHD..we'll let you off with warning." A judge won't care if she has these things should she get arrested for something. Her future boss is not going to care either. If she doesn't do the tasks she is given when she gets a job, she will be fired...period. I"m trying to raise a responsible human being who can function in society! If her teachers think I'm uncaring because I am allowing her to fail so she realizes what she is doing to herself, then so be it I suppose.
I will say that this week has been rather easy with her. She wanted to do something this weekend, so I advised her what she needed to do in order to be able to have the outing she wanted. I spelled it in great detail this time, made sure she understood what I expected. I didn't just make a blanket statement like I usually do like, "You need to behave this week." I realized the error of my ways with that. That leaves way too much open for interpretation. What I told her this week was, "I expect you treat the family with respect. You have to be decent and nice. You also have to do your chores, and do them the right way, not just to get them done. If you can manage all of this by the weekend, then you can go." She successfully managed to do these things, so I know if she has something to motivate her, she CAN do it. she managed to watch her attitude also, she was actually pleasant. It was the easiest week we've had with her in I can't tell you how long. I have tried this reward stuff before and it hasn't worked. I guess she really is tired of sitting in the house. She has no phone, i pod, or much of any other privileges and hasn't had them for about 2 years now because of the grade issues.
I will keep plugging away! I know this was long, sorry...I needed to vent.. and I thank all of you for caring enough and taking the time to respond to my ramblings!