Need to vent about Grandma

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mom2oddson, May 11, 2011.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    There is no way there can be a person out in the world more selfish, self-centered, more ME ME ME, than my Grandma!!

    You know how a difficult child can get fixated on something and won't let it go?? Grandma is the QUEEN of that!

    And my poor Mom is aging FAST! She's learning to set boundaries but she's still at the teeny-tiny first baby step stage. It takes a while to break 71 years of training. And Grandma has Mom trained! My Mom has been taught that her Mother's happiness is her responsibility. Trying to redirect training that has been set for that long is hard! But Mom is working on it.

    Anyways, Grandma will not leave Mom alone about wanting to go out gambling. So, husband and I are going to her and my sister out on Sunday. This will give my parents time alone. And my Mom has been told by me that there is a condition with us taking Grandma out. She MUST spend the time relaxing with Dad and NOT clean house or anything else! We'll see how well that goes.

    The thing that gets to me is Grandma isn't happy just getting to go out with us. She is rubbing Grandpa's nose in it. The guy is stuck in the nursing home and she has to be a :witch: with a B! Unfortunately, in order to take both of them anywhere together, you have to take two cars and have two people for each of them to help them. In other words, it's a whole family affair.

    Then husband made the mistake of saying "well, we'll take Grandpa out on his own one weekend." That explosion sound you heard from the Pacific Northwest yesterday was Grandma! Now my Mom has a grumpy, angry, snippity, jealous lady to deal with.

    It's already bad enough with the passive-agressive games Grandma is currently playing. And she's still in just the low level games. We've seen her ramped up and she's no where that bad yet. Mom is so afraid of Grandma ramping up that she is having trouble setting those boundaries. And when she does, she feels guilty about making her Mother's end days miserable.

    Dad works from home 3 days a week. No matter how many times Mom tells Grandma that Dad is working, you need to leave him alone, Grandma won't. And the more Mom says something, the more Grandma acts up.

    The tension is getting so bad in the house that their dog is now acting up! Buck was on death row, 24 hours away from being put down when my folks got him. He's a beautiful yellow lab...with extreme seperation anxiety. He was actually starting to do good with it when Grandma came into the house. In the last couple of weeks, the poor dog is back to step one.

    I'm just glad that the difficult children taught me how to NOT take guilt. Otherwise, I'd be buried in guilt for not spending every day over there helping Mom. I do go over every Sunday. And I am my Mom's venting post during the week. It's not a lot, but I don't think I could deal with Grandma 24/7. 5-6 hours on a Sunday is enough to wear me out for the week. In those few hours, Grandma will let me know 100 times in 100 different ways that I'm not being a good grand-daughter because I am not taking care of her every little whim. After 6 hours, my rhino skin starts getting thin spots. It takes a week to get it repaired for the next visit.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I know it was long. And if you got this far...Wow, you are a trooper!
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hm....a difficult child grandma. That's a new concept for my little brain. Wonder what she was like back in the 30's...

    Kudos to your mom, tho, for trying, even now. Even if she never succeeds in changing how grandma treats her, maybe she can make peace with herself that grandma's issues aren't hers.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    And then "they" wonder why we don't just bring one or the other sets of grandparents into our home??? With 2 difficult children already?

    Its tough no matter what, but in spite of the past history, it might pay to get a "second opinion" about the behavior... at that age, it could be something like alzhymers, which can alter personality and/or make existing traits worse.
  4. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    An absolute PITA!!

    Some of Grandma's history...

    After my Mom was born, she got a divorce, dumped her daughter on her parents and ran off to have fun. My Mom's memory of her mother from early childhood was "the pretty lady in fancy clothes that came to visit and give her gifts". There were multiple marriages/divorces (but we aren't supposed to know this) before she married my Grandpa when Mom was 7. Grandpa adopted Mom and they did the best having a normal life.

    Grandma is positively a "Love only me!" person. The fact that my Mom got married and put her husband first has never sat well with Grandma. There were many times that she tried to break up their marrage. And I grew up knowing that I was never to mention my other grandma (Nonna) in front this grandma. If we went to visit, we had to make sure that we didn't give the other grandparents even a second more time than she got.

    When I was 8 I got to go spend a week with Grandma. I got to fly to grandma's house....and then I got to stay longer. Mom & Dad drove up to visit. Didn't know until I was older that grandma "lost" the plane ticket. My folks had to drive to get me because Grandma wasn't going to return me. After that, I was taught how to hide my return ticket from her. This was prior to E-tickets. Those are so nice!

    It's sad....I grew up not knowing about difficult children or mental illness or any of that. All I knew is that I had to keep peace with Grandma so I never got really close with my Nonna until I was much older.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member have my family blood...lmao. Last name of Scott per chance? Well scrap that, I have no clue what my grandmothers maiden name was so it could be anything since I am convinced the mental illness runs down her

    My mom and grandmother were just like that. My mom would stand in my family room and stick out her tongue and put her fingers in her ears and wag her fingers at the boys Can you just picture that? Just like pre-school kids. We died laughing at her. My grandmother got so bad that every time I took her to a doctor she tried to show them her boobs and her new undies! Can you just imagine how horrified I was considering I was still in my mid 20's!!!!!

    Oh well...I expect my time will come to be a difficult child in my own right and show off all my sagging boobs and droopy drawers to the embarrassment of
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Your mom must be a saint!

    Your grandma sounds a lot like my mom's mother! Always causing trouble, always manipulating, but she did it very quietly, very subtle. Then if called on it, she would weep and wail with rightious indignation. She just had a mean streak to her. Even her "teasing" had a mean undertone to it, especially when we were very young kids. And she always had it in for my dad! He didn't like her but he kept it to himself and never did anything to her, but she was always out to get him one way or another. She had been the second to the last in a HUGE family, one of the "babies" that was spoiled rotten by the rest of the family, and she expected that treatment out of everyone for the rest of her life. My poor grandfather was a genuine saint too to have put up with her for that many years and had catered to her and always let her have her way, probably just to shut her up! And then after he died, WE inherited her!

    You and your mother have my sincere sympathies!
    Last edited: May 11, 2011
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Seriously - get your mother to come along, do some homework first. Then take Grandma on a tour of the local nursing homes...

    I'm serious. Grandma needs to know that nobody owes her anything at all.

    And this is coming form someone who is fighting a huge daily battle, to keep my mother in law in her own home and OUT of a nursing home!

  8. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    That's my point of view, unfortunately, it's not my Mom's. She's been raised that it is her DUTY to take care of her Mom until her matter how bad it gets.

    But Mom is slowly getting the message that her Mother's happiness is not her responsibility. For the most part, she's got it in her head, now she's just got to believe it in her heart. Grandma is the Queen at giving quilt and Mom is conditioned to accept it all. I no longer accept Grandma's guilt. That means I get a lot of dirty looks from Grandma. I have done really good at not laughing at them. As if a dirty look would scare me! I had a 6'2" difficult child an inch from my face yelling about how he wanted to choke me but he knew I'd hurt him back. If I didn't back down from THAT, I'm not going to be moved by a dirty look! Just wish I could pass this on to my Mom instead of her having to learn it on her own.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    It's just so unfair to your mom! She should be enjoying this time in her life, not having to be guilt tripped by a controlling, manipulative, bitter old woman!

    I just retired and I'm thoroughly enjoying it! I haven't had to set my alarm clock since last July! My kids are grown and on their own, I answer only to myself, I do what I want to when I want to and owe nothing to anyone. I almost feel guilty that they're sending me money to live on every month and I'm doing absolutely nothing in return! And, at her age, your mom deserves this too! She REALLY does. She should not be a virtual slave to her mother and have her whole life consumed by catering to and caring for her mother! She deserves to have a life too.
  10. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member


    My Mom also has my mentally handicapped sister with her. So at 71, she is in the sandwich generation.

    And she's feeling guilty that we are taking Grandma and my sister out on Sunday. She feels guilty that I have to give up my free time to give her a break. It will be easy for me. Grandma & sister LOVE husband! They will follow him around like little puppies and I'll get to relax and have fun.

    Mom has 3 weeks left until her next vacation when she goes with Dad on his next business trip to Memphis. As long as the hotel isn't flooded, Mom will be happy. IF I can keep her from feeling guilty about me having to take care of everything while she's gone.
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Oh, that poor thing! I'm glad you're able to give her a little break and I hope she thoroughly enjoys her trip. Memphis should be dried out by then.