New here and looking for advice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Onesickmama, Dec 29, 2013.

  1. Onesickmama

    Onesickmama New Member

    Well I was online browing for advice and stumbled across this site. Please offer any advice or suggestions you think will help. Here is my story....

    My 19 y.o daughter has me worn so thin and at my wits end. It started about 5 years ago when her sister came to me after she found her sitting on her bed cutting herself. I had no idea my daughter was having any sort of problems at all but after doctor and counseling visits over the next couple of years she was diagnosis with depression and being bipolar, both which she began taking medication for. During those years of course things werent always easy and there were a few suicide attempts but I had her on the right path. She got her GED and had enrolled in cosmetology classes. Things were going quite well until she met (or as I later discovered) reconnected with this boy. He is a very controlling and violent person and unfortunately has turned her into the same. About 6 weeks before she turned 18, she called me crying and told me she had done something terrible and had taken alot of benedryl. I rush home to find 3/4 of a costco size benedryl bottle empty. We rush her to the ER and after they take care of her medically they keep over night and were to determine further treatment in the morning since it was a suicide attempt. The next day they sent her home since she wasnt that much of a danger to herself. (later I found the benedryl pills hidden in he room). The next week I got a call to come pick her and her car up because her boyfried was driving it and got pulled over because an officer saw them pulled into an alley and he wassmoking weed (she was not). He walked but when the officer and I were talking we decided to go get a no contact order so he could stay away from her since he was clearly a bad influence. This freaked my daughter out and she started making threats so needless to say it landed her a week at an inpatient facility.

    A couple weeks later, at midnight the day she turned 18, she walked out the front door. Everything has gone downhill from here. She is so into this boyfriend that she lets him control her. She dropped out of cosmetology because he was jealous of the boys in the class. She has cut ties with all her friends because he doesnt allow her to talk to them. She has even stopped talking to an aunt because he told her the aunt said something to him that she had not. On more than one occassion m daughter has called me for medical assistance because he has beat up on her. She has had very visible bruising, cut lip, and even chipped teeth from him but she refuses to press charges and there are no witnesses so he gets away with all of it.

    This spring he held her down and in an attempt to get up she ripped his shirt. When she tried to leave he took her keys and she told him if he didnt give them back she was going to punch him. He recorded these words on his cell phone and pressed charges aganst her. She has now been charged with DV. I thought for sure this would have been the wake up call but it wasnt. Numerous times she calls me asking me to come help her get her stuff cuz she needs to get away from him. Last month she was arrested again for DV because she scratched his arm in an attempt to escape and he pressed charges but was let go when it was determined there wasnt enough of a case. When she got out of jail, she was right back with him. Besides all of this we have now been missing things around the house. My coin jar was found empty in her room, money missing from her sisters room, a huge jug of coins taken from her grandparents found in the trunk of her car, money missng from grandmas purse more than once and only when shes around, and I have even found pawn shop slips in her room for jewelry items which I have no idea what jewelry it was and now the family wii is missing. I really feel the boyfriend is the cause of this because if he wants something he demands she get it and she wants to do it or he becomes violent, but know she is making the choice to be in the situation.

    I cant take it anymore. I provide a car including gas and insurance for her so she can go to school even though I have suspicion she is not going, a cell phone, all food, clothing, shelter, and on occassion money for manicure or a movie. I am paying for all her medical needs and court costs. I live my life alone waiting for the next phone call to come help her. If I question something she yells and cusses at me but has no problem asking for help moments later. I dont want to enable her to remain this way but dont have the strength to turn my back and watch her fail, which is why I am here.

    Thank you for listening snd please help!
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Been there.

    It would help if you posted on Parent Emeritus, which is the forum for children who are legal adults. It is way different than parenting younger kids. We have minimal control over our adult kids (and, yes, eighteen is legally an adult). In fact, you can not control this young adult in any way except to make sure you don't enable her and allow her to live in your house unless she follows your rules. You can not make her leave her boyfriend, but you can cut out your monetary support completely and make Mr. Wonderful pay the bills. She does not need a car on your dime.

    Since your daughter is probably messing with drugs, although you have not yet caught her red handed, she needs to be the one to decide to get her life together. There is nothing you can do to stop her self-destruction. The stealing is about drug use. She is stealing to buy drugs. I know it hurts to hear it. I know you will first go into denial, like I did, but that's why they steal from us. YOU should press charges if you can to put a stop to it. She has no right to steal from you. If you allow her in your house, you'd better lock up all your valuables because it will happen again. Also, hide your credit cards and cash.

    My guess is she is not going to school. Make her prove she is. I'd cut off the cell phone, internet, etc. It's time to show her you mean business.

    If you hop over to Parent Emeritus, t here are article on detachment, which does NOT mean you no longer love your child...it is all explained there.

    Regardless of her story, she is out of your legal reach and you STILL are entitled to a happy, fulfilling life, enjoying the loved ones you have who respect you and make you feel good, the hobbies you enjoy, the friends you like, and the other activities you like to do. You should not put your life on hold for this child.

    See you hopefully over at Parent Emeritus. We all have over eighteeners there.

    Hugs and hope you post more.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2013
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