New here and scared

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Stephanie pangburn, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. B4mommy

    B4mommy New Member

    Hello everyone. I have a son who is 11 and I've been having "episodes" with since he was 3. The latest incident was he pulled a knife and tried to kill his 4 month. Old brother, me, and the cat. He is now at a mental facility. They preformed a psychological evaluation and these are the results. Disruptive mood behavior disorder, budding conduct disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, ptsd, adhd. We are working on getting him into a children's home but I have no idea what to think or feel. I'm lost.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    HI, and welcome. Glad you found us - sorry you need to!

    This doesn't sound like a comprehensive evaluation, but rather an emergency evaluation. ODD is a behavior description; as a diagnosis, it acknowledges that the behavior is a problem, but it does not provide guidance on the source of the problem, or on interventions that work.

    This is probably the right next step. It is hard, but you can't provide the 24/7 supervision that he needs.

    It sounds like there is more to the story. What was he like as a baby and toddler? Adopted? if so, at what age? what was going on at around age three when problem behaviors started?
  3. karisma

    karisma Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain. You aren't alone. My son started being violent at age 3 and was diagnosed bipolar. He would try to hurt baby sister. We all know this particular heinous brand of despair. Others will come along with better, more insightful and helpful things to say.
    Just wanted to say hi and welcome.
    Many warm thoughts for you today
    It's the second worse thing we can go through as mothers in my opinion
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Was he adopted or were his young years turbulant? Sounds like reactive attachment disorder. The symptoms and prognosis are like conduct disorder and needs attention right away. That knife is scary. Does he like fire? Does he sexually act out? Does he pee or poop inappropriarely? We adopted a child who was dangerous. He could not stay here.
  5. culturanta

    culturanta Member

    I am sorry to hear of your situation. Mine is much different - I have an unstable teen stepson who at the moment is out of our lives - but I wanted to send some hugs your way in case they are of any help.

    I suppose the only blessing in your situation is that your son acted out in such a terrible way that his needs cannot be argued with or denied. It is clearly highly abnormal and abhorrent behavior to lash out against siblings, parents, and pets with deadly weapons.

    I hope your son gets the help that he needs. And I wish healing and peace for your entire family, including your son.
  6. B4mommy

    B4mommy New Member

    He and i were both physically and sexually abused by his bio dad from his age of 1 to 3 years old. He has endocoptesis and poops his pants multiple times a day. He has had many fits such as kicked me purposely in the stomach whenot I was pregnabt. Threw our cat from a balcony, strangled the cat, punched my sister and mom in the face, smashed his lil sisters head into a coffee table. And much, much more. He lies, steals, charms and hurting others in any way does not bother him unless he gets in trouble.
  7. B4mommy

    B4mommy New Member

    He was a very difficult child. My ex husband used to beat me regularly and also beat him a few times. I finally left him at age 3 and moved closer to college I was attending. That's when he really started. He would hit, bite me until I bled, call me horrible names. I used to have to buckle him into a carseat in the house so he would stop hurting's just gotten worse and now he's not only violent but is committing crimes. It's like he dosent have a consious....which really scares me.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Look up reactive attachment disorder. There is help, but its different from orthodox therapy and is time consuming and only certain professionals even know how ti treat it. But first you need a more defined, complete evaluation and diagnosis.

    Actually, if you are in the U.S. have you ever taken him to a neuropsycologist for an intensive evaluation? it is NOT a neurologist. It is a Ph.D psychologist with extra training in the brain and they are the best the U.S. has to offer for diagnosing in the opinion of many here who have used them. A regular therapist and even psychiatrists do not di such in depth testing on every level. They look for abnormalities in all areas of function, not nust development, but that is covered as well.

    Your son may also have inherited some stuff from his father...he does have half his DNA. Does your ex have a diagnosis? Personality problems are often inherited. So is mental illness

    Attachment disorder is not inherited though. It happens when the first three years of life are chaotic, crazy and include multiple changes and caregivers. The child then does not feel that anyone can protect him and he stops trusting other people and rebuffs love. He thinks only he can protect himself. He only learns to care about himself, nobody else.

    Big red flags for reactive attachment disorder are cruelty to animals, peeing and pooping inappropriately and a fascination with fire. Other issues can be sexual acting out on other people, no remorse, anger, violence, stealing, lying even when caught in the act, playing with feces, and acting veey charming when he has to so the we parents look nutty to psycologists and teachers. Doubt he could fool a neuropsychologist though.

    I wouldn't leave him alone with the baby for a minute. Keep the baby in your room at night and lock the door. Replace all your silverware with plastic. Lock the rest up along with other dangerous sharp items. if you have firearms, take the bullets out and lock up the guns. Rehome the cat. The child we adopted killed two of our dogs, but we didnt think it was him at first.

    I don't want you to go through what we did.

    Perhaps he needs to live in residental treatment while he gets evaluated and treated.

    Please take care and protect yourself, your baby and your pets. Right now he isn't safe and he is about to hit puberty. That never helps! Call a neuropsychologist They often have waiting lists because they are very good. Although all of his current diagnosis. could mean attachment disorder too.

    Regardless pf his diagnosis he has tried to kill your cat many times and has really hurt my opinion I would not let him come home. He is very unsafe.

    Do you have any support system?
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
  9. B4mommy

    B4mommy New Member

    Only support system I have is my mother has turned the rest of the family against me because I called the cops and won't let him come home and am trying to get him admitted into a residential living children's home.
    We have four children we have the 11 year old, a four year old, a 3 year old and our 4 month old. He has hurt each one of them.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for the pain and stress you find yourself living. You have suffered too much and your son too. Even though your son is a victim, it is very common to for victims to victimize others, when they can. It is called "identification with the aggressor." It is a very sad, sad thing, with the potential that he perpetrate what was done to him, on others. He sounds like a very angry child with every right to be angry, but he needs to be contained and treated.

    I think you are making the correct decisions now: with the kind of behaviors your son is engaging in, your primary responsibility is to protect the baby and yourself. There is no reason to think that your son will change, without intensive diagnosis and treatment and a structured and contained environment. When he hits adolescence it will be harder to handle him, with greater potential for him to hurt others, potentially gravely. So he is better protected, with the chance of a future, out of your home, in some kind of behavioral treatment facility. However bad this is now, it could be worse. You are doing the right thing, I think. However hard it is. I am sorry.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The issues he is dealing with will be partly from the environment the first 3 years of his life, and partly genetics - he does, after all, inherit some of his bio-dads genes. It's a bit of a loaded stack. He has so much against him. But his best chance for help is definitely a residential setting, not at home - and it's the only chance for safety for the other kids. They matter too.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are doing the right thing, the only thing you can do. Your mother is really wrong...I am sorry she is acting against you. I am glad you have your husband. With four other children, you must protect them and he needs treatment out of the home. He needs to be watched all the time.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are coping with this. Your son NEEDS residential treatment. The entire family needs him to be in residential treatment. This is truly the best thing for all of you I told several people that I would not sacrifice my other children on the altar of my oldest child's problems. It means that I would not and could not put my oldest child's needs above the needs of my other children - they were all equally important and the other children deserved a peaceful home life and some of my attention. By phrasing it the way I did, as sacrificing the other children, it helped some of the therapists we worked with to see that the needs of the entire family had to be considered as treatment plans were made, not just the needs of the difficult child. Thinking of the situation this way helped make my oldest child's long inpatient stay easier to handle.

    As for support, it is pretty common for extended family to not see the need for extensive treatment. They do not live with him and are just being blind. While it may be unusual, this site is incredibly supportive and I urge you to read, post and be active. We truly 'get it', and have or are living it in our own homes. This is a situation that you have t live through before you understand it - if it can be understood - and support from the trenches can be invaluable.

    I do remember telling a few non-supportive friends/relatives and even several doctors that if they thought that I was doing it all wrong then they could take him home and cope with him for a month. Oddly enough, not a single one took me up on it!

    It would be a great idea to have your son thoroughly evaluated and to start a Parent Report. A children's hospital or university hospital is usually where you would find a neuropsychologist and child psychiatrists. Having in depth testing for all kinds of problems including learning disabilities, sensory integration problems, and a lot of other things is important to giving him the right kinds of help. A Parent Report is a document that you create that keeps all the info in 1 place. The link in my signature will take you to more info and directions to create the Report.

    Welcome to the site and the community!
  14. Praecepta

    Praecepta Member

    Yes 24/7 supervision is needed in these cases. I've read that takes 6 people! (8 hour shifts, days off, sick leave, etc.)

    Anyway we do need to sleep.