New Normal

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LilaWynnter, Aug 7, 2015.

  1. Freedom08

    Freedom08 Member

    Hi all. I'm still here on the board, still reading all I can. We are hanging in there but it's hard. Good days and bad days and I'm taking everything one day at a time. I'm working on detaching but it's a minute to minute process. I not sleeping that well and have been having bad dreams. I'm working on myself. Trying to eat better and exercise. Can't say it's helping yet but one day at a time. I try not to look to far into the future right now. Hugs to all of you. This is a terrible thing to go through but you are wonderful people and I'm so glad I found you.
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  2. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I literally could have written this. Lila its so painful. I cant sleep either. Trying so hard to keep my mind of things. Binge watching Netflix "Weeds" and "Orange is the New Black". Drugs and prison shows! Yay me. Im just all over the map with emotions and worry. You are here with us and we are going thru exactly what you are going thru. Hugs back atcha my friend.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Lila,
    I'm glad you are still here. It sounds like you are doing really well. It's not easy and is one of the hardest journeys but you will get through it.
    Keep working on yourself, be good to yourself.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there Lila and Seagenie, as Tanya said, this is the hardest journey any of us will ever go through. Focus on yourselves, take it one moment at a time, stay in the present as much as you can, keep yourself VERY well supported, read books to help you through it and be very, very kind to your wounded hearts.

    Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. It helped me to read books by Pema Chodron who speaks about living with uncertainty, Eckhart Tolle who speaks about staying present in the 'now' and Brene Brown, who speaks about shame and "living greatly." As you continue to pull yourselves back from the ledge of the world of our troubled adult kids, life becomes easier and we begin gaining strength.

    It's hard. But it's doable. You WILL get to peace of mind, no matter what your child is doing, if you stay on the path of detachment. It works.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Lila,

    I am glad you are doing well. You are doing well!! You sound focused and strong. Centered more on yourself, which is a good thing. Most of us are not sleeping that well. Try Melatonin. Keep posting.

  6. Freedom08

    Freedom08 Member

    I spoke too soon. It's been a rough weekend. . Struggling again, tears, restlessness. I want to get off this runaway train.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is the way it goes Lila. There are alright days, and worse ones. It is not you. It is the situation.

    I post when I feel really fragile. I go from active thread to active thread and I speak from the heart. In this way I distract myself, I try to be useful to others, and I learn.

    It is day by day, week by week. Until one day, you have recovered yourself and your life.

    People say this is the hardest thing we will ever go through in our lives. We are doing the best we can. Please try not to be hard on yourself.

    Keep posting.
  8. Freedom08

    Freedom08 Member

    Thanks Copa. Runaway train indeed. It took me years and years to get over my divorce. It was complicated by my ex who had been a "functioning" alcoholic turning into a completely out of control alcoholic. He has been absent from our kids lives by his choice since 2007. It was truly a terrible time but this has been much worse. I'm tuning to my usual coping mechanisms of reading lots of books, long drives and walking. I'd love to get a dog but I'm not sure it's the right time.

    One foot in front of the other.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What kind of reading do you do? The walking sounds great. Drives, too. '

    I vote for the dog. I could not get by without my animals.

    Do you have a breed in mind?
  10. Freedom08

    Freedom08 Member

    I read most everything except romance novels.

    We've always had german shepherds and just lost our female last summer to old age.

    My younger child has a crazy schedule upcoming. Private school 45 minutes north of home and his sports team 45 minutes south of home. I'm worried I won't be home enough to take care of a dog. We'll see. My longtime friend and breeder of 3 of our past dogs has a litter due to be placed late October. It's very tempting.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Only you know if you can handle a dog right now. I am sorry for the loss of your dog.

    Don't you feel a little bit better, now that we chatted a minute? Posting helps. Have a good night. Try not to be hard on yourself, okay?
  12. Freedom08

    Freedom08 Member

    ️yes. Thank you, I do feel better. Thank you for reaching out. Giant hugs to you. Your posts on this thread and others have given me much to think about.
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Lila just want you to know I am reading along and holding you close in my thoughts and prayers.

    I am so glad you see using tools to keep yourself going. Filling your mind and day with other pursuits and taking it easy---getting lots of rest, eating well, doing kind things for yourself---these actions will help you. They don't "solve" it and don't change how you feel but these actions help you functions.

    When times were the worst, I slowed everything way down. That is the best I could do. I took a nap every day and that is my big go to for tough times. I also read a lot of light fiction. It is relaxing to me and I can get lost in it which is a relief. Whatever works for you, but be conscious of actively being kind to yourself.

    Also feel your feelings. It is very good to cry. It moves us along. There was a long long time of very deep grief for me. That deep grief ended well before Difficult Child started doing better. In fact he was still homeless and floundering when I started to come through to the other side and I could feel other emotions again. That doesn't mean I still didn't cry about him at times but the pall that was over all of my life had lifted somewhat. That was real progress for me. One reason that happened is because I quit fighting the very sad and deep dark emotions and I allowed myself to feel them. They did not kill me and I was able to start compartmentalizing. That was a big step forward as well.

    This path is a journey and we change as we move along the path. We do not stay the same if we work on ourselves...even if they stay the same or worse.

    Keep sharing here. We understand.