New to this...Need some guidance

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Ok so as of the 4th my daughter is no longer living with me. My parents have taken her to live in their home and after much struggle her father and I have decided to allow her to stay. We are in the process of transfering guardianship so that she can attend school where they are.

    My question is this...

    How do I do this? Do I treat it like visitations? How do you treat visitations? It feels odd?

    Her father is set to come home on Saturday and she has stated that she wants to be there. I have no problem with that they need to see each other. My problem is do I just let her come home and pretend like nothing has happened? Do I allow her to spend the weekend even though she doesn't plan to follow our guidelines? Should I make her stay the night in a hotel instead of in my home? Should I make her return to my parents on Saturday night?

    She has not seen her father in 9 months and I dont want to make this any more difficult than it is. I want them to have time together to reconnect and really feel like she should be there to see him Saturday and Sunday. On the other hand I do not want to be a pushover or be disrespected in my home. The problem is that I don't know where to draw these boundaries since this is new to me. I could use suggestions.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there, hon. Let me try to put in my worthless .02 :p

    Yes, I think she should be able to see her father since he is so rarely around and she will need him. She needs you too. She is just at that age where she knows it all and the other things don't help, but she does need you both.

    If it were me, she could come sleep over whenever she liked as long as s he were willing to follow t he house rules. If she was not, I would not allow her to come home. In fact, w hen my drug abusing daughter was eighteen, we made her leave. Do you know that if there are drugs in the house, even if they are not there because of you, you could still be arrested? We didn't k now that until a cop told us. Anyhow, if she is willing to act respectful and refrain from her dangerous behaviors for two days, sure, I'd let her come home. But only under those conditions. My guess is she would probably behave the night that Dad is there. Would DAD insist on it?

    To make you feel more hopeful, your daughter doesn't seem that far gone. My daughter screamed how she hated me and would never talk to me again when I made her leave too and I cried for three weeks, but she completely turned around, quit all the drugs (even cigarettes), went back to school, and bought a house on her own with her boyfriend. She is 28. 28 is a world away from 18. There is hope. in my opinion you do have to hang tough or t hese more troubled young people will walk all over you, but she could surprise you. Being away from home may soften her feelings toward you. Didn't take my daughter long to start talking to me again. Gentle hugs and hang in there. We have your back.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks thats kind of how I was feeling as well. My main issue is that I am trying to avoid getting into an argument with her prior to his homecoming. I don't want her issues with me to screw that up for him and for the family. I just have to find a way to let her know that her attitude will not be tolerated or she will be asked to leave without her going off the deep end.

    Damn this tightrope is a pain!
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Try not to treat this as a battle she won. Treat it as an voluntary compromise you and her dad made in parenting her and giving her best chances to grow up well. Situation in your home was difficult, she wasn't following house rules and made a mess out of her life. 'Fortunately' her grandparents were 'kind enough' to help and give her a new chance to sort things out and have a fresh start. You and her dad support that and hope she will take an advantage of this chance and feel this is the best solution for her and rest of your family and helps to mend relationships between you, your easy child and her.

    That is your story. Stick with it. It's not a battle she won. It's your parenting choice.

    Now, because of that, there of course is no battle between you and her to continue. No reason to behave like there was. So of course she is welcomed to visit you and you are happy to have her. Of course she has to follow your rules at your house or there will be consequences (whatever you can force) but you are not denying her to come.

    I know you are not feeling like that, but I think it is the best attitude you can take. Not to allow this to be a battle she won and let her smirk you behind your parents backs, but turn the tables and let her kno this was your choice and you are still on the driver's seat.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If she goes off the deep end, which I assume is yelling, swearing, abusing you verbally and maybe physically and putting holes in the wall, then make her leave. She can control it for her father and for one night. You can't be sure she won't have a two year old meltdown, but you don't have to tolerate it. You can even call the cops. But maybe have her come after he gets home. I have a feeling she will behave when he is here as he is here so seldom. Stick to your house rules though. She isn't going to hate you and she is at a safe place...with the grands.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am not sure about the guardianship. Some school districts will simply accept a notarized letter from the parents stating that their daughter is now living with her grandparents. I would call the school she should be attending and ask what they need. If they need more than that, consult a lawyer who specializes in family law. I gather that you do not want to give up your rights only allow her to live elsewhere. A lawyer would know how to word it properly to protect your parental rights.

    As for seeing her father of course she should. Let her be there for the homecomming. If she behaves, then she can come over whenever. Otherwise perhaps visiting her at her grandparents would be the way to go or picking her up for a day outing. -RM
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2013
  7. DSTC - I think you got some great feedback and input here so I won't add any more. Just my hopes that everything goes wonderfully on Saturday and that everyone enjoys the homecoming. :)
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT moved in with my mother for nine months, and would come by to see me, but rarely stayed the night. She still called me all the time, asked for help with homework, but didn't spend much time with me, which was fine, considering the circumstances in which she left.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont think you have to transfer guardianship. You most likely only need to give your parents a POA over her or even just sign a notarized letter stating that you are allowing her to live with them from X to Y and giving them medical permission to obtain treatment in your absence. I took in a friends son for a few months and that was all I needed for him to get in school here.

    I have always let my kids come home to visit. I would certainly let her come back.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Just saying hi, hope that things go well. I have no experience with this situation but really hope that it is not too big of a deal and can be settled quickly.
  11. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Definitely have to have guardianship done according to the school board. Hopefully it wont take too long.
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning dstc. I'm sorry it's all come to this, however, in the big picture you may discover a silver lining. My now 16 year old granddaughter, whom I have guardianship of (because my difficult child daughter is not capable of raising her because of her mental illness) made a choice similar to your daughters. When my granddaughter was 14 she went to live with her other grandmother, there was much defiance, rebellion and anger and I was against that move, but I went along with it. Very similar to your story. After the initial shock wore off, she and I began communicating by phone, she always called me. After 6 months she wanted to come home but she had made a commitment with her other grandmother to stay the whole school year, minimally, so I said no. She came back in exactly one year, (she was far away in another state so we did not see each other at all, plus her other grandmother made everything extremely difficult) When she returned, she was a different kid, on her own, through her own choice, she realized how much she loved me and how much I meant to her, she used the phrase, "I had an epiphany" and I didn't really believe it at first, but she's been home a year and a half now and she is literally a different person. A joy to be around. Appreciative, respectful, she values me and our home and feels lucky to have our family. She had to do it her way and find out for herself. You don't know what the future holds. The time without your daughter may offer you peace of mind and a needed break from all the drama and your daughter may have an epiphany of her own. Hang in there, it all could work out better then you can imagine right now.
  13. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    RE- I can only hope!