Newbie @ her wits end...looking for help.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Harvyst, Jun 6, 2009.

  1. Harvyst

    Harvyst New Member

    Hello everyone:

    I am very new to this support site, so please bear with me as I don't yet know all of the lingo here. I will try my best, and I'm sorry if this is too long.

    I am desperate for help. I have a child, or difficult child, who is the age of 12 right now. He is my youngest of 3 boys and has literally been a nightmare to raise since I gave birth. He was cholicy (sp?) when he was born, has always thrown massive temper tantrums, doesn't get along with others for very long, finds trouble around every corner, has always been disobedient, back talks every chance he gets, is extremely defiant, has always been a bully, and many other things I could list, but it would go on and on and on.

    When he was a baby, I couldn't get babysitters to watch him for more than a week because he was so hard to handle. He was basically kicked out of every daycare in our area because he was a "liability." He would bite, kick, scream, punch, and throw things at the staff and other children. He even picked up a child sized chair and hit another child over the head with it at one daycare when he was just 4 years old. Needless to say, I was extremely happy when he was old enough to go to public school because I didn't have to worry as much about him getting kicked out. Suspended...yes...but not kicked out, and I could finally go back to work.

    When he was 6 I took him to a child psychologist in our area. She did an IQ test on him and visited him in school. Her diagnosis was that he may or may not be bi-polar and/or ADHD, but I had to take him to a psychiatrist to be certain; however, she told me there really wasn't anything they could do for him because he was too young to really be diagnosed. $5000 out of my own pocket later, I still had no idea what was going on with him.

    He has seen many, many doctors, therapists, counselors, you name it since then and still we can't seem to get him to be socially acceptable. (For a lack of a better way to put it.) He has been on probation since he was 8 years old. He constantly lies, steals, breaks things, beats other kids up, sneaks out to smoke, and has become quite hyper-sexual. We have to lock everything up in the house now. We will be going to court (again, this isn't the first time) for the attempted breaking and entering of one of our neighbors. Some of our neighbors have installed security systems just because of him. We live in a very nice area, which has little crime, and a couple of our neighbors are even policemen. This doesn't stop him though. I can't count how many times they've detained him at the juvenile detention center for a few hours and called us to come get him at 1:00 AM. He always gets into trouble, but never enough for them to detain him longer than a few hours.

    He ran up a $500 cable bill watching porn while we were sleeping, so we had to shut off the on demand and lock him off of the tv with a code. We then caught him on my computer surfing the internet for porn after my computer was ruined by viruses, so I keep it locked up as well. Recently, we realized he had somehow gotten hold of my cell phone and surfed its internet (which I didn't even know I had) for porn also. I found naked pictures of women downloaded to my picture folder. We catch him with his pants down constantly now. I understand he is an adolescent and some of this is natural. We spoke with him and asked him to do those things behind closed doors, either in his bathroom or his room, but he doesn't. I've had to clean my furniture more than once.

    One doctor, a couple of years ago, told us he believed our son to be borderline schizophrenic and put him on abilify. His current doctor disagreed with the diagnosis and said he believed he suffers from ADHD, is bi-polar, and has conduct disorder. He agreed with keeping him on the 20mg of abilify each day and added a 20mg daytrana patch to the mix each day as well. This combination was wonderful!!! But only for about 2 months. We tried the concerta because the patches were $145 per month, but they didn't last long enough and both my husband and I work long hours, so no one was here to make sure he took another one in the afternoon. We decided to continue with the patch even with the added expense, to make sure we could decide when the medication would leave his body. This worked for a couple more weeks, but then it was almost like there was no more medication in his system and he began acting out again.

    We are now at the point where his probation officer wants to send him to a more serious detention center called China Springs. I'm afraid of this. He is bad enough right now, I can't imagine those kids teaching him anything else, or worse, doing something unimaginable to him and making his actions even worse with ptsd or depression. I asked his doctor to speak with his probation officer so we could look into possibly putting him in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but the doctor wouldn't give that recommendation to his PO. I looked into it myself, but my insurance doesn't cover any Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at all and the one we are looking at charges $395 per day if I were to pay with cash. Basically we are left waiting until he does something really, really horrible, enough for them to detain him for at least 72 hours in the detention facility, so they can commit him to the state and get him on medicaid to get him the help he needs.

    I'm at a total loss here. I just can't believe there is no way for him to get the help he so desperately needs until he does something to harm himself or others! I just can't believe it! I've been begging for someone to help him for years, but all I've ever gotten was people telling me I'm just a horrible parent and lack any discipline with him. I can tell you, he has plenty of discipline...we've tried EVERYTHING, short of beating him to death, and nothing works. I've taken things away from him, including his clothing and bed. I've fed him the barest of essentials and that did not phase him. I hate being horrible with him, but being nice to him only helps him take advantage of us more.

    All I can do right now is stress. I don't want to wake up and face each day. I don't want to come home after work because I know something will come up. I'm almost at the point where I can barely look at him anymore. I'm so angry with him, I almost hate him, but I know I love him with all of my heart and its killing me that I can't do anything for him. It shouldn't have to go this far with these kids before they get help. It breaks my heart to watch him continually ruin his life. He'll be in middle school this year and I know its only going to get worse.

    Each day I wonder what I did in my previous life to deserve this. Could I have been that bad of a person? Am I that horrible parent people have said I am? I feel guilty for everything in his life. Its my fault he has a dead beat biological father who allows his full blood brother to live with him, but won't come see the youngest, or send him a card on his birthday, or call him, etc. He hasn't spent any time with his son in the last 8 years, but loves to shove in our faces that he has control over our middle child. My 12 year old son has so many things in his life that have been bad for him since day one, and I always wonder if I should be to blame for every one of them. My husband now, whom I married when my youngest was only a year old, has tried his hardest to raise him as his own and be the dad for him that he didn't have, but even he is at the point of no return anymore. They butt heads constantly these days. The only good thing to come out of all of this is my close knit relationship with my husband. We only trust each other and only have each other to lean on. Our own families won't even help us with him anymore.

    I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do for him or how to cope with any of this anymore. I've cried so much, I've run out of tears and really only have anger left. I believe now one of us is going to have to be committed. Its either my son or me, because he's driving me whacky! I'm so stressed out I can't remember simple things anymore or have a decent spoken conversation because I my mouth won't work with my brain.

    Again, I'm sorry this was such a long post, but I really needed to vent. Our road has been a long, hard journey so far, and there is no end to it in sight. I know we are not alone on this journey, that there are plenty of other parents who feel the same way or have similar issues with their children, maybe worse, but it sure does feel secluded at times.

    Thank you for letting me be a part of this support site. I really hope it will do me some good. Maybe one day I'll be able to help someone who is going through the same things I have in my life. Best wishes to every single person who has to deal with these stresses and obstacles in their lives. Its so very hard, and you are to be commended for having any strength at all to get through any portion of it.
  2. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Harvyst,
    others who are more knowledgeable will be along soon--weekends tend to be kind of quiet. I just wanted to welcome you and tell you that you aren't alone--there are other parents here with similar difficult children! It most certainly is not your fault, no need to blame yourself. You sound like you are at the end of your rope and who could blame you?

    Please keep coming here--you will get support and people who understand and won't judge you. It truly does sound like your son needs out of home placement. Does his biodad have any mental health issues--they tend to be inherited.

    Hugs to you,
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome-so glad you found us but sorry you needed to. It sounds like you have so much on your plate. First off, please don't blame yourself.

    Has he ever had a neuropysch exam?

    You are not alone and will find much support here. This place has been a lifesaver for me and others. I hope you are finding time to take care of yourself which is so very important when we have children like ours.

    Again welcome to our corner of the world.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    You made a statement of something along the lines that he was/is too young to be diagnosed. I don't know if the diagnosis is as important as the treatment. I have heard some mental health proffessionals say diagnosis is for insurance companies, and treatments are for patients.

    I would encourage a neuropsychologist evaluation. hugs, you have really had a time of it.
    I do not think this is your fault. Don't let anyone blame you, and if they try to ignore them. Try to find time for yourself, and for you and your husband to be a couple. The behaviors your son has are very trying. This is easiser said than done.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. It's not your fault. Some kids are born wired differently and kids don't respond to normal discipline.

    I have a few questions that can help us.

    1/Any psychiatric problems or substance abuse on either side of his biological tree, including bio. dad whom he doesn't see (hereditary still matters)

    2.How was his early development as far as speech, eye contact, his ability to relate to his peers (this applies to now as well), his social appropriateness, potty training, does he like to cuddle (or did he as a baby), is he quirky in any way, is he kind of clueless about life? Does he know how to hold a give and take conversation? Is he sensitive to light/sound/change/unfamiliar things?

    Has he ever had a neuropsychologist evaluation? You may want to do a signature, like I did below, to give us an overview.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2009
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I agree that your first step would be a neuropsychologist exam. Your son is not feeling well and you need to find out why.

    I so disagree with the docs who said they could do nothing because he was too young to be diagnosed. They should have run every test under the sun including allergy testings. Then they should have started working with him on his behaviors trying to teach him how to control his anger and out of control throughts. You don't need to be diagnosed to start letting a kid know his behaviors have to be changed. The diagnosis will help with getting the correct medications and pin point more effective behavioral help but to just say nothing can be done is allowing the unwanted behavior to grow.

    When the medications stopped working, did a doctor look at increasing the dosage? Your son is growing and as he grows his body is changing so he may need an increase or different medication.

    It is discouraging how quickly your docs seem to be brushing him off. You would think they would be concerned enough to keep looking for answers.
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    You have found a great place for support, understanding and friendship. You're not alone any longer! Hugs, ML
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hello and welcome--

    I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. You are definitely not alone.

    I have been going through some of the same "well, they didn't really do anything bad enough to get serious help yet" from officials And some of this is due to the current economic conditions. Because budgets have been so drastically cut everywhere, facilities are only focusing on those that are truly out of control.

    Sending you wishes for some relief....

  9. Harvyst

    Harvyst New Member

    Thank you all so much for your support! I'm really happy I found this place.

    I found the parent report and assessment form while I was looking around the forum. I am going to try to work on that and get a signature up here for everyone.

    My difficult child has not had a neuropsychologist exam, in fact, I didn't even know it existed. Why don't these doctors tell you your options? Seriously, I'm thinking Nevada's doctors are all out for the money and don't do this because they really give a *bleep*. Not a one has said anything to me about testing, only "try this medication," "Oh...that didn't work...well try these medications and see this family therapist." Grrrrr....Frustration at its peak! :faint:

    I am going to try to figure out the answers to your questions and I will post again with them. I guess I'm hoping there is something out there someone else has tried that we haven't, and I'm looking very foward to hearing about everything!

    Untill I get my P's & Q's straightened out.....;)
  10. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    Hi, welcome to this wonderful place!

    Hugs, Vickie
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hi, Harvyst. Welcome to the group.
  12. MaryB

    MaryB New Member


    I'm sorry but take heart you are not alone. I agree with everyone else, you need a neuropsychologist evaluation. Your child needs help. I also want to say, as others, this is a wonderful place to come for help, support and questions. Without all I learn from here through the years, I doubt my son would be where he is now.

    Hang in there and take several deep breaths.

  13. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    Welcome! I'm so sorry for the stress you're going through. It really can be debilitating. I'm pretty new here, but have found this to be a supportive and caring place. No one -- and I mean that literally -- understands the challenges we face, except another parent of a difficult child.

    The evaluation would really be a good idea, given all that you've gone through.

    Even with a good diagnosis, you will likely end up trying a whole list of medications as you go through this journey. Many of us here have been there done that (been there, done that). medications work differently with different kids, and their symptoms can evolve. They may exhibit a few symptoms of a condition today, only to have more emerge as they grow older. At this age, they're also growing rapidly, and they can easily "outgrow" their dosage in a month's time. And then there's the hormone issue: adolescence and difficult child-ness do not make a pretty combination. (The hypersexuality you're seeing sounds way over the top, though. We haven't experienced it, but our psychiatrist always asks about hypersexuality because it can be a really good indicator of bipolar disorder.)

    Again, welcome. You'll find plenty of good advice here, and you can even whine a bit when you just feel like you've had enough.

    Hugs. (((())))
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I was wondering if maybe te medications had stopped working because he was removing the patches? or in some way avoiding the medications.

    We found the same problem when difficult child 1 was in his teens. He wanted to challenge his medications because he was trying to prove he no longer needed them.

    difficult child 3 has recently expressed concern at always having to take medications for the rest of his life. His doctor has requested melatonin be added to thedaily regimen and difficult child 3 is resisting, because he thought it was one more life-long drug. We've explained that it's not, but he had been afraid of this but not telling us, because he felt that there would be no point telling us, if he has to take it then he has to take it.

    So before you up the dosage, make sure he's actually getting what he is supposed to.