newly married teenage pregnant daughter....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mom23gsfg, Feb 26, 2008.

  1. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    some of u may know from my previous posts that my usually easy child 16 yr old daughter (stephanie)is pregnant, so after days upon days of begging i signed the papers for them to get married. (which he had proposed before the whole baby thing ) he is 18 (chris). i thought to myself you know maybe it will work out and the baby will need its father.
    they were marrid on the 7th of this month.

    info on chris's background =he was living in the children's home due to his parents (dad and stepmom)drug (meth)use "which i didnt find out til later" as where his bros ans sis .the day he turned 18 in dec he moved back in with parents.(i was told a friend of fathers had brought the drugs into the home without their knowledge and the police had been investigating this man and busted him in their home which was only partly true "the man did go to court for this and got rehab"but his parent where involved "

    well, the next day after they marry i find out he had quit his job weeks before hand. well i let that go because he kept saying he had been putting applications in.within 4 days stephanie was stayijng with her granny (my mom) she said because she didnt have a way to go to work from there or to school. i later find out these so called parents have been using drugs and making them in front of my daughter! pot and meth usage. and when confronted about this chris says yes they were using but not making thats why i want out too. but i have no place to go besides there . i believe this and have been trying to help them get a place together. and also told her and him if she did go back up there the police and the social services would be contacted because she was not living in a drug world!

    well, stephanie has been working at walmart which he kept saying he was waiting for them to call him also. he goes for drug test. and yesterday they called and he lied to my mom and told her it came back invalid (which would mean he had tried to trick the test) so stephanie kept ask8ing him and he said the lab tech said their was methinamine in their due to the fact he had drank cough syrup , so me and her go to the lab and they say no that type of medication would not mess up test. so he finally tells her his parents had told him that where they used in front of him it could make him fail so he got another boy to pee for him in a bottle (i can see the lie in his face)and it was the boys urine that had the meth in it.

    so me and stephanie go and get a drug test from th store because she told him she was not having anything to do with him if he was using . so he keeps stalling and drinking lots of water. and acting real nervous . this was a 5 min test . it only took 30 sec. to show up pot was in his system.(which means it showing up that fast and with a red line (which means close usage ....if it had been a few days it would have been pinkl)
    then he just looks at her without her saying a word (he knew by the look on her face that she knew )and leaves walking down the road. yes he is walking because the car that me and hub gave them he wrecked within 3 days (so said a bag flew in front of the car causing accident...douptful!)
    so after plenty of begging and pleading for her to talk to him , he lies to her and tells her this that he had run out of cigs the day before and his dad rolls his own cigs but he was out of papers so he takes his dad's pipe (for the pot) and puts cig tobacco in there and smokes it so that has to be why it was in his system . ....dear lord even i who cannot lie with a straight face could have thought of something better than that! and i had to say something (she had him on speaker phone ) i told her and him that it was a lie and (sorry for my way of putting things sometimes when im upset) but to just grow a set and be a man and just tell the truth!!

    so daughter goes to conselor at school (she trusts him) and talks to him about it. he says he believes chris is using because of his parents . i do not believe this i believe if u use its ur own fault unless u are a small child. but since he is 18 he cannot go back to the childrens home which is beyond me because if he had stayed he could have still been there. so counselor is going to call social services to get him another place to stay if possible.
    what i dont know is this , will he change ? should i just let this go? i mean if i can turn my life around anyone can. but, this baby and stephanie cant really afford to take any chances .
    or should i just stay quiete and let her decide what to do? i do not want her living the hell i went through with my ex and i do not want this baby going through the hell i went through as a child.
    and according to our state laws and social services i am still responsible for her even though she is married . so if she stops going to school and etc. it goes on my shoulders.and i was also told it is my responsibliity to take care of this child because she is underage.
    sorry so long ..
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, you agreed to let them marry so she's pretty much an adult. I'd say let her alone, except there's a baby involved. If it were me, I'd be quite vocal about "if you come home, you will have to work, pay rent, and take care of the baby." But at least the baby will be under your watchful eye. That doesn't mean she'll listen to you though. Sounds like this was a big mistake. This boy, who had such a terrible life, has no role models for parenting and is going the way of his parents. The baby is innocent--the baby would be my biggest concern.
     
  3. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    You certainly have your hands full! Your daughter needs to learn from her own mistakes - I know all too well the pain of watching them flounder around and making mistakes - but they are her mistakes to learn from. I too say that baby comes first and that your house rules are rules meant to be taken seriously. If they fall on their faces hopefully they will learn, but like all of us, some mistakes are repeated several times before we "get it". She certainly won't be the only divorced single mom on the planet. watch out for the baby - it's not baby's fault that mom and dad can't get their **** together. that's the only reason I can think of to get involved (unless your new son-in-law has a violent streak) sending great big understanding ((hugs))!!
    -Dara
     
  4. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    If this were my daughter, I wouldn't stay quiet. I would tell her she needs to get a divorce, or an anullment if possible, and take steps to protect the baby from the father and his parents. It sounds like she is having second thoughts so maybe she will agree. She is only 16 and still too young to have to figure this out on her own.
     
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I agree that she is too young to have to figure this out on her own.

    She may be married, and she may be about th be a mother, but she is ONLY 16. She is a child. She is just able to drive, she can't vote, and she can't drink.

    I have hope for her, as your description o her actions show that she has her head on her shoulders pretty well. My hope for him is not so strong. You need to be the role model for her, and really not worry about him. That baby will be here before you know it and then he or she will be the most important thing.

    Hugs, this can't be easy.
     
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Guess I would try to guide, but I wouldn't get loud and push her away (for baby's sake).

    Will he change? Who knows. Its up to him. If he can't be honest, probably not.

    But he surely can't if he's living in the midst of it. Perhaps getting out of parents home will help? Don't know.

    If she was willing to see the school counselor, see if you can get her into counseling, she's going to need someone she trusts if this marriage goes the way it looks to be going.

    And might let them know, esp. daughter, that in many states, if the baby has drugs in their system when they are born, CPS will take them. Something they both ought to know going forward. Heck, bring her here. Let her read about the trials of some of the kids here born addicted.
     
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-MM. Put daughter to work. But I also agree with-FairlyOdd and BBK, that she is too young to deal with-this on her own. Go for the annulment. Meth is one of the hardest drug habits to kick. He's got a rough road ahead of him. If he gets off it for a yr, they can remarry. That can be his carrot.
    (in my humble opinion, which is based on a niece who is a user and has gone through rehab 4X.)
    Hugs and good luck. You and your daughter have your plates full.
     
  8. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Can you go with her to social services? Set her up with some kind of benefits?
    United Way also has some help with housing, atleast in my state.
    See if she will qualify for benefits, set her up and be a phone call away. She is so young.
    Hard place to be. Good luck.
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I don't know about virginia, but in ohio if someone underage marries someone of legal age, all legal responsibility defers to the legal age spouse. And as far as I know in most states it's the same. Scarey part is that he will also have all legal responsibility for that baby as well due to your daughter being underage.

    This is the major reason there was no way I was ever going to allow Nichole to marry boyfriend under the age of 18.

    Maybe educating your daughter on Meth use would be wise. That and letting her know that she does (for a while at least) have the option for annullment available. In most states it's 6 wiks to 3 mos. You could tell her it doesn't mean she and boyfriend have to call it quits, just that custodianship reverts back to you and she and baby are protected. Keeps her and baby safe til she can see what the heck is going on with boyfriend and this drug use. (Meth is serious business)

    My sis got her annullment to her first husband at the 8 wk mark. Honeymoon revealed the "real" man and scared the living begeebies outta her.

    Hugs
     
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dear God -

    Have you ever read ANY of my life story?

    GET HER A DIVORCE - NOW
    GET HER ON MEDICAID - NOW
    GET HER HOME - NOW
    GET HER INTO THERAPY - NOW

    AND MOVE - or RUN.....and I mean RUN -

    This is my life waiting to happen without the pregnancy!

    GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU CAN KID - It's not going to be any different than anyone else in "love" with drug addict -

    I'm really sorry - if she stays there will be misery for everyone on a scale that you can't imagine.

    Hugs
    Star
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When I typed my response, I was thinking she was eighteen. At sixteen, I'd try to get her to come home and annul this marriage. She's way too young to be married to ANYONE, even if she's pregnant. THe baby needs your protection and daughter needs to learn how to be a single mom.
     
  12. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member


    I agree completely. Thanks Terry for typing out the words I had trouble putting together.

    I'll pray this works out peacefully for everybody.

    At 18 (remembering my days before I was pregnant...more like 16), it's a peak time to be stupid with drugs. Not exactly meth, but I was quite the pot smoker. I understand this is waaaay more addictive and I think your daughter splitting from him until he gets his stuff together will hopefully be incentive for him to straighten himself out.

    I do sympathize, though, with him. His parents were big influences and is probably the #1 reason he decided to try it. Not he does need to "grow a set" as said earlier and change for his family.

    It's important your daughter make the step of seperation (annulment). Staying with him does nothing but enable him. Support her...she needs and will continue needing you. I WISH I had parental support when I was pregnant. I had nothing but my crazy, alcoholic son's father to depend on (ha! worthless!) and that's the worst thing to have that as the only resort.

    They're young...immature (no offense) and not completely hopeless. It's better to screw up early, than later, in my humble opinion.

    I wish you the best of luck. I think, with support for both kids, there will be a great turnaround someday. I hope... <3 <3 <3
     
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Getting the annulment/divorce ASAP should give the baby some protection from a father apparently legally more entitled to make decisions than the mother.

    Get out of this situation NOW.

    Society has changed. These days there is little or no shame attached to being an unmarried mother, compared to being a married mother underage with a drug addict husband. No longer does society expect us to get married before the baby is born; no longer do we worry about "what will the neighbours say".

    That is because we now realise that the child's welfare is far more important than social morés.

    Rescue time!

    Marg
     
  14. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Ditto what Star said.

    There is an innocent child already at risk here....while that baby isn't your responsibility legally, as grandma, I'd be jumping in now & getting that child out of a dangerous situation (along with your daughter).

    My children are the aftermath of god knows what - drugs were most likely a large cause of what they endured. That baby needs at the very least a fighting chance. Drugs & drug manufacturing in the home isn't it.

    Just my very opinionated 2 cents on the matter.
     
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Just being in a home where drugs are manufactured means that the baby is at risk.

    It is very very important to rescue your daughter and her child. The father is an adult. She is not. If she has the baby before the divorce/annulment, then she may lose many rights for her child, esp if the child is born with drugs in its' poor little system.

    I'm sorry the situation is so scary.

    susie
     
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