No, Chaosuncontained, I'M a monster...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Methuselah, Nov 20, 2011.

  1. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I am a monster.

    After difficult child 1 deliberately screwed with her blood sugars which deliberately caused me clean up her elephant koi, I lost it. I am so tired of difficult child 1 intentionally causing harm and not feeling badly about it. I'm so tired of the stress she causes. I'm tired of her blaming everyone and everything. I'm tired of her maligning my character with lies to make herself seem a pitiful soul. Im tired of her pathological defiance and covert aggression. I'm tired of her not feeling badly about any of it. Never, ever feeling badly for how she treats others. Never.

    I can't believe I said the following to her and meant it:

    I told her when she gets her first tattoo to be kind to all those around her and make it's a picture of an a****** and to place it smack dab in the middle of her forehead for all to see. I told her to make sure it is the image and not the word, so those who don't speak English will still be forewarned of what is to come. It is the kindest thing she could do.

    Yes, I said that. I meant it, too. Yes, I am a monster. Mainly, because I don't feel awful about it. It is the truth. I should feel awful, but I don't. Not at all, and my lack of regret is eating me up. Absolutely eating me up. :-(
     
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Well, your difficult children are on the severe end even for this board. It stands to reason that when you get fed up your going to say things that other moms here don't. (Maybe I'm wrong and someone here has said similar.) No, you're not a monster. You are a wonderful mom that has been pushed to the limit and beyond.
     
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Howdy -

    ----You're not a monster until -
    You are NOT Catholic...
    You sneak into a Catholic Church with a plastic jar and dump the bubbles out in the bushes outside before entering
    You pretend you know how to do the cross sign with your hand at your head and heart so no one will suspect you are NOT Catholic
    You find the Holy water -water fountain - fountain in the corner and dip the empty plastic bubble container in it quicky, quietly - and sneak back out backwards cause you arent sure how that's done either.
    Get in your car and feel like you have stolen GOLD from God.....
    Get home and pin your kid down on his mattress and dump the HOLY water on him while screaming the ONLY lines you know from the Exorcist - "The power of Christ Compells YOU"

    While your kid looks up at you, laughing - then mortified -------and you end up throwing the bubble container at the window, screaming more obscenities than Linda Blair, storm out of the room and truly believe his biological father is Satan.

    Yeah Methusala - Come talk to me. :)

    Cause it only got better from there...........You're human.........We all are.
    (most of us anyway, I'm not including the X - I'm pretty sure he's poking people with a pitchfork at the crossroads)
     
  4. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    OK, first of all you are not a monster--I would have said close to what you said (mine might have been worse and included some colorful language).

    Second, I have to admit, I giggled. May not have been funny at the time to you... but I thought your comment(s) were funny.

    You are not a monster. But I know you might FEEL like one right now. And that is OK, I mean, normal. You feel bad because you love her. But she needs to know how her actions hurt you. And anger you.

    This job we have of loving, raising and "dealing with" our kids is HARD. Harder than most parents will ever have to deal with. And sometimes, it SUCKS. SUCKS biiiig time.

    Aren't you glad you can come here, tell us the truth, the whole truth... and no one will throw stones? Me too.

    Big Hugs.

    PS: Maybe you can sketch her new tattoo out so she can take it with her to the shop? ;)
     
  5. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    OK, Star...I am crying. And my side hurts. And... I am laughing so hard. The visuals were hilarious.
     
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I can barely type i am laughing so hard........:rofl:

    Oh gosh, after having Q suddenly turn from normal kid (well normal for him) to sudden swearing, now telling everyone I am having sex with his teacher (a woman no less) and letting every potty word and swear come out of his mouth,,,then taking a glass of water and dumping it with his eyes looking so weird, then getting in my car and spitting and grunting/growling over and over and repeating the words all the way home and up the stairs until little by little they faded and he asked calm as anything if he could take a bath, asked for some clothes and now is just sitting down entertaining himself. (I said NO tv of course)..... I could have used the holy water... think I am gonna get a spray bottle of it! I would LOVE that. if he starts to sizzle when it hits him, I"ll know what the problem is FINALLY
     
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I bet if you had said this to someone who isn't difficult child 1 you'd be feeling bad about it. BUT it's difficult child 1. What you said probably didn't even phase her. If you felt bad about it she'd just use those feelings to get what she wants. Remorse is over rated. If you lose your sense of humor then you'll be in trouble.

    I'm still working on mine. difficult children make you have one.
     
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    By this age, I'm sure you didn't introduce her to any new and traumatizing words or concepts. If you convinced her I'll chip in for the ink.
     
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

  11. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    They are severe. It breaks my heart to say they are psychopaths, because it is the truth. I wish they had "issues" or a mental illness, but they don't. It is, sadly, who they are. When you talk about feeling badly about a bad act, they literally stare at you completely baffled by what you are saying. They may say they feel badly, because they know they are suppose to, but their body language, behavior and further behaviors tell a different story. I tell them you can say your kind and generous, but if you're not doing kind and generous things, you're not. They just stare then roll their eyes. I'm exhausted.
     
  12. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Star… Ah, a woman after my own heart. :)

    If I thought Holy Water had a chance, I would splash it. Hard. My difficult children, especially difficult child 1, would only be annoyed I got water in her hair.

    I have never in my 48 years met anyone like my daughters. difficult child 1's heart is a dark one. She is so covertly aggressive it is scary. She NEVER says or does anything to your face; it is all behind your back, so you can't defend yourself.

    When you talk to her, she only has SIX responses: silently stares, I don't know, I forget, I can't remember, blames someone else (even if it gets them in trouble), or looks you in the eye and lies to your face. That's it. You can't move through life, because she refuses to participate. Ugh.
     
  13. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Liahona,

    It didn't phase her. Nothing does. I told her of she doesn't want to be considered an a******, don't act like one. I told her whether its some stranger on the street, myself or even my own daughter, the behavior is a******ic in the extreme. She will never understand, because she can't connect her behavior to any consequences in her life or how people feel. It is so freaking bizarre and impossible to parent.
     
  14. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    HaoZi…nothing phases her. Ever.
     
  15. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't know how you intervene in 16 and 14 y/o kids... but, has anyone investigated attachment issues? Because... that's what it sounds like to me. Not necessarily Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - although depending on what happened in the first couple of years of their lives, maybe. But it could be other forms of attachment issues... there's a thread around here recently about insecure attachment etc.

    Secure or relatively secure attachment seems to be the basis for empathy and other relationship skills... if those skills are missing, how can you build the relationship and attachment that enables those skills to be learned? Tough question. Just something to think about. Maybe bring up to therapist...
     
  17. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    Star

    OMG Where is the like button when I need it. OMG LOL.. why are you not writing full on novels again? WHY!!!???

    I'm sorry I laughed so hard I nearly peed on my couch. I think my dogs are staring at me like I've finally, truly lost my nuking farbles...my neighbor is over staring at me like I'm some nutcase because I have this huge grin on my face while I'm typing this out. I think he's scared....lol
     
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Methuselah, sometimes a difficult child just needs to hear the utter truth about their behavior. I did it to Nichole a few times in a very serious manner, several more times with sarcasm, and even more with humor.

    At 22 she's far far more easy child than difficult child. It didn't seem to scar her for life. I don't think it even managed to "scar" her for a week. But eventually, it did get her attention although she wouldn't admit it on her life at the time. Who else will be as bluntly honest with them as we will?

    If I hadn't done it, I probably wouldn't have a tongue in my mouth, I'd have bitten it off. lol
     
  19. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Insane,

    Like everyone else here, they have had a plethora or dxs, including attachment issues. difficult child 2 is somewhat attached. Her issues are with stealing, conning, manipulating, lying, but lacks the defiance and covert aggression difficult child 1 is drowning in. difficult child 1 is not attached to anyone, really. Her "friends" are fairly superficial and disposable. We have tried and tried with no success. I truly don't believe she can be helped. We had to have a psychiatric evaluation performed this past spring, because she threatened to kill herself at school. Sadly, not because she was suicidal, but because she needed a way to get to the school counselor, so she could lie and get CPS to come out to our house. :-/ Anyway, this psychiatrist had dealt with difficult child 2 in the past, so he knew their backstory. He was frank with me. He said she is not suicidal, but she needs help. He said she needs to want the help in order for it to be effective; right now, she is no where near that point. He told us what we already knew: it is unlikely she will want to change.

    We are not taking them to psychiatrists at this time. Honestly, I have had it with the profession. Every expert we have gone to had a different diagnosis with an absurd treatment plan, if they had any. In fact, the last one I took difficult child 2 to was an attachment expert. She had my daughter play with a town square toy with buildings, people and cars. When my difficult child 2 picked up the firetruck, the "expert" leaned over and whispered, "See, she wants to be saved!" I stared at her. I finally said, "That's what you got from that? She picks up the biggest and brightest vehicle, the only one with moving wheels, doors, ladders and hoses, and you think she wants to be saved? I told her I think it shows she knows the best toy when she sees it." I got up and wrote a check for the 30 min we were there. I went in thinking behavioral medicine was helpful; came out at the end thinking it is quackery. :-(
     
  20. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    HoundDog, I have been telling her her truth all along. She can't see it, unfortunately. I feel badly for not feeling badly, if that makes sense.
     
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