I can't stop crying. I don't know how long I can do this. Every day is a struggle and new problems keep coming. I dread being with my son every day. I love him, I can't stand him, I feel for him, I resent him and I just think what if he never was. Things seemed to be getting better for a few months. Then things went terribly downhill. I pulled him out of school temporarily(a private jewish school) and home schooled him for few weeks. When I sent him back I thought he was doing better. The teachers reported some positive things for the first week now I received 2 e-mails this week how he is not funcitoning at all. In the mean time the school said we do not qualify for any finacial aid so I do not see how I can send my daughter (easy child) back next year. She will be devastated. The public schools here are so over crowded. I can't imagine sending her to a middle school with 1,800 kids compared to their k-8 school with 150 students. I called the public middle school and when I said to the guidance counselor that I wanted to know about the school, the gifted program and how they handle bullying. He responded, "I don't want to paint a picture of doom and gloom but we have over 1700 students, if your child is bullied we will try to address it but..." I am trying to come up with next years tuition and now will have to find money to hire a shadow for him to finish out this year. We have NO money and do nothing for ourselves and yet we do not quailfy for aid. I don't get it. I don't get why he is the way he is. I don't understand what we should do. There are no schools that can really understand his needs. The special needs schools here are only for Learning Disability (LD) or ADHD. And forget the public schools. It boils down to: *every day is a struggle to be with him *we are going broke *we have no life *we have no options for either child *kids really do not want to be with him (either do we) *medications medications and more medications that are not helping enough to make him function Why????? I just can't stop crying, asking why and how will we survive this? or won't we? I send my children to a religious school and can't even believe that there is a G-D above. How can there be? I hate the word hope but PLEASE tell me there is hope.