ok girls I need some pepp talk

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by guest3, Oct 11, 2007.

  1. guest3

    guest3 Guest

  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You need to stabilize your own emotions before you can support someone else.

    I hope that did not sound bad or mean.
     
  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    Find something to occupy your time. Buy some magazines, surf the internet, create a blog, write in a journal, ANYTHING but sitting there and dwelling on him.

    Heck, go get a puppy and concentrate on training it. LOL They always take up tons of time and energy.

    Do something for yourself. Think about yourself.

    His problems are not your problems and they certainly are not your fault. Don't let anyone blame you for him. He's an adult.

    Take up painting, crosswords, reading, movies, walking, running, whatever sounds like fun to you and will keep your mind of things and do not answer the phone when its his family. Caller ID is the best invention EVER.

    ((Hugs))
     
  4. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Lost, his actions alone made his house empty - nothing to do with you although his family is seeming to want you to feel like you are the one that has done wrong.

    If you are getting weak at the knees, bring up the memory of what he did to your difficult child that night, and to you. People who say they love you don't do that to people they love.

    Its not your job to fix this - he has stuff he needs to do - if he wants his life back, his wife back, and BOTH kids, not just ONE, he needs to do the program. He needs to fight for his family, and that is does not include his mom or his sister calling you and relaying how bad he is feeling.

    You and the children are worth fighting for, aren't you? - I hope he gets over his "woe is me" attitude. I went thru the same thing with my dex who actually had his sister fly here from England to try and patch things up - made me feel horrible about tossing him out, he had no relatives or any other family, blah blah. But keeping my youngest safe from him was my only priority.

    Stay strong girl - your children need you to do that for them.

    Marcie
     
  5. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    thank you, I just pray d/h does not kill himself for both of my difficult child's sake.
     
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Marcie Mac</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Lost, his actions alone made his house empty - nothing to do with you although his family is seeming to want you to feel like you are the one that has done wrong.

    If you are getting weak at the knees, bring up the memory of what he did to your difficult child that night, and to you. People who say they love you don't do that to people they love.

    Its not your job to fix this - he has stuff he needs to do - if he wants his life back, his wife back, and BOTH kids, not just ONE, he needs to do the program. He needs to fight for his family, and that is does not include his mom or his sister calling you and relaying how bad he is feeling.

    You and the children are worth fighting for, aren't you? - I hope he gets over his "woe is me" attitude. I went thru the same thing with my dex who actually had his sister fly here from England to try and patch things up - made me feel horrible about tossing him out, he had no relatives or any other family, blah blah. But keeping my youngest safe from him was my only priority.

    Stay strong girl - your children need you to do that for them.

    Marcie



    </div></div>

    Amen.
     
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Gosh...I wish I had words that helped. :rolleyes:

    Take care of yourself.

    Abbey
     
  8. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sending you the strength you need to get through this. Focus on you and difficult children. He needs to be accountable for himself.

    Beth
     
  9. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    (((hugs)))

    First of all, you can hang up the phone when the sister (or his mom) calls to tell you what a "horrible" wife you are.

    D/H is depressed because he has a disease that he is not addressing properly. You did not give him the disease, and you cannot cure it.

    You can however take care of you and those kids. Make some time for Alanon. It MUST be a priority. The guilt and the codependency issues are all addressed there much better than we can here. You have GOT to take care of you, or you cannot be there for your
    sons.

    I think that you deserve a medal.You have come leaps and bounds since you first came on the board. Keep it up, and lean on us whenever.

    Prayers.
     
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Keep the strength girl..........you do NOT need to rescue him. He needs to find his own way, in order to be a strong man. If you "rescue" him, he will continue to be weak.
    :nonono:
    Does it not drive the point home that he does not want to see difficult child 1?????? He is not a good man. And you are so doing the right thing!!!!

    He will be fine. Focus on you, and your boys. And like ASO said, get a puppy, do yardwork, indulge yourself........etc.
    :bath:
     
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Kind of sounds like my husband. He isn't taking responsibility for himself. If he wanted more pictures, he could take them, print them and frame them. Running back and saving him isn't going to solve anything. I know this because I am going through the same thing. I can be made to feel guilty so easily. My husband chose not to get a phone in his apartment and now that I'm moving and getting a phone I keep hearing stupid comments like, I didn't get a phone, why do you need one??? I then find myself making excuses. There is no excuse. he chose not to have one, I'm choosing to have one. My husband found his apartment depressing, well then he should have spent more time home making it comfortable then out drinking with his new friends.

    We have to stick together and not allow our husband's to do this to us. We can both be strong.

    Would it be an option to tell your sister in law that you don't want any updates because all it does is upset you and there isn't anything you can do about it????
     
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The house is empty because YOU aren't there. Whatever you left - he's not noticing it. He's dismissing it. He wants you all back, he wants everything back the way it was and will do what it takes (short of actually taking any responsibility) to get it.

    He's on suicide WATCH, so he hasn't actually done anything serious, only indicated the likelihood.

    I've taken a friend to hospital under similar circumstances, we were actually on the way home from seeing her psychiatrist and the hospital was right on the way. As we got closer to the hospital, she became more bizarre; I think she felt the consultation with hr shrink had not properly addressed her concerns, and she wanted more, so she asked me to take her to emergency and I watched and listened while she talked her way into being admitted. She made it fairly clear that she did not feel safe going home, she needed to be admitted for her own safety. But all that drive to the hospital - she at no time seemed to be out of control, she was holding herself together.

    Picture this. He's managed to get himself admitted to hospital. Who knows how, there are many ways. It's really easy to say to someone (like a family member). "I feel really lonely, really depressed. I can't go on, the house is so empty. She's taken everything, I have nothing to remember them all by. Poor me, poor me, woe is me, I can't go on."
    First you say it to a drinking buddy. Then you say it to family. It scores a lot of sympathy. You feel vindicated, justified in feeling miserable. So you say it to more people, as long as they take you seriously. ("oh, no, don't do anything rash, what would we do without you? You need to get help, you can't let yourself get down about this, you've been through so much, you must ask for help...")
    Eventually this snowballs, with him getting ego stroked all the way, until he gets admitted to hospital - the ultimate attention-getter. "Wow, I'm so miserable that they think I might hurt myself. Meanwhile, I've got a bed I can sleep in and round the clock women waiting on me ,watching over me to keep me safe. 'Four angles round my bed...' and all for me. If only my missus could realise that THESE people value me..."

    And of course, part of this fantasy he build up in his head is the lovely image of his sister sobbing down the phone to you about what you've done to him, you feeling all remorseful and rushing to the hospital pleading with him to not do anything foolish, you made a mistake, all is forgiven, let's set up house together again and live happily ever after.

    None of this has any connection in his head, to WHY you left or what he will do to try to fix things. he just wants the broken toy made fixed again with no sign of a break, all kissed better and BACK TO WHERE IT WAS.

    Don't do it. or if you really have changed your mind, make sure it is for rational reasons and not purely the emotion of the moment, or you will be even worse off than before.

    Marg
     
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Think about this situation:

    When the US Coast guard goes out on a mission to rescue people who are potentially drowning they have one thing in mind - save whomever they "can".

    When they arrive at the site of a disabled vessel they will have a diver jump into the water to prepare the people for rescue. They are there to help. If you do not listen to their instructions you put their crew in jeopardy and they will leave you for last and you have a potential of drowning. Drowning causes loss of life without recussitation.

    If there was a person who did not listen to the rescue instructions and was left below in the water and there is no more time/fuel to rescue a victim they will - if there is not, they count the mission for whom they were able to rescue and go back to base. No one from the helicopter is saying "Yes, jeopardize us ALL the whole crew, please go try again to get the person that wouldn't listen - we'll all take a chance of dying. The person who did not listen is lost at sea. Sometimes they can go back and get that person with a new mission but it depends on what mission control says.

    Your marriage was the boat. You and your children are the people that are saved. Your husband is the person that would not listen. (However in his chance he has a chance to be saved if he listens to what the hospital tells him to do, attends counsling and understands that he the potential to save himself)
    Your sister in law is the person in the helicopter saying "Yes, jeopardize all that were rescued, all the crew that is here trying to save people for one person who won't listen)

    There is something wrong and enabling with asking you to jeopardize your family and yourself for his sake once again.

    Better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health does NOT MEAN: ALL WORSE, ALL POORER and ALL SICKNESS = you MUST STAY. Don't take my word for it, call a minister and ask him.

    As far as your sister in law. When she calls again cut her off short and say "LOOK, I need to say this and I'm only going to say it once. I love XX - but love does NOT mean dragging me and the kids down - IF he loved us, he would do what is being asked of him for his road to recovery - so far to my knowledge he's still wallowing in self pity which is NOT going to help him. I left him pictures in frames, I cleaned the house before I left and I made sure there were groceries for him to have food - I have taken Pictures of it all so that if someone says again I have not - I can prove it, and as far as him committing suicide? I'm very sorry for that, but I can't do a single thing about it. My going for a visit to a man who is suicidal is like putting a bandaid on open heart surgery. If XX is EVER to get well, we have to let him go, and find himself without our crutches. I love him enough to see if he's going to be a man and stand on his own. Going to see him is not support, it's a quick fix, just like the drugs were." I'm not enabling him ANY MORE. So unless you have something helpful or kind to call and tell me, don't. Now I have TWO KIDS that I'm left to go take care of by myself and I need to concentrate all my energy on them and myself. You're going to have to find a way to deal with your brother without me for now. Thanks for calling. HANG UP.

    SHE IS AN ENABLER. AND the only reason she is calling you is because HE is calling her and she can't deal with it either so instead of telling him the right thing (stand on your own feet, listen to the doctor, take your therapy) she's dumping him on you and giving you the YOU NEED TO (quick fix) my brother. It could just be being a sister...but she's certainly not looking out for you or the kids. She's going to have to find a way to deal with it.

    Nuf sed.
    Hugs
    Star

    and yes, I've been through this so many times I lost count. With DF and with difficult child. difficult child was a little different the first time - he was suicidal due to medicines, the second time it was all drama and I gave him no stage.
     
  14. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    thank you all, did I mention my sister in law is a coke addict, my mother in law has a DWI, & my brother in law has a DWI as wel. These are d/h's blood family of course, his father just passed away from liver cancer, which years of drinking could not have helped.

    My Pastor went to see d/h and was told he was transferred out of psychiatric unit to a long term facility. No news from his family. But difficult child II woke up yesterday crying that he had a nightmare, that his Dad was back in the hospital and someone was trying to hurt him there. This freaked me out, I did not tell either of my kids d/h was back in hopsital.

    I am being strong, I got weepy a few times over the weekend, I am still not sure about staying here with Mom and Dad, it has its perks and downfalls, the main downfall is I can not get upset over d/h or they get po'd. I am human, I knew the man since I was 17 and was with him for 17+ years.

    But I can only pray for him, and raise my difficult child's the best I can and pray they don't follow their father's path.

    Nite all :O)
     
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you are staying as strong as you can. You have known the man for a long time, of course you think about him. I hope you understand that he families drug/alcohol issues may be untreated mental health problems. And that until he CHOOSES to treat these issues (whatever they may be) he is not only not a good husband and father but UNSAFE to be around.

    Glad the Pastor went to see him. Our kids get dreams and ideas from any number of sources, maybe someone said something to difficult child 2, maybe it just was a dream.

    Reassure the kids, go to AlAnon, and take care of what you can take care of - you and the kids.

    Your husband will do what he will, if you being there didn't keep him from doing unsafe and scary things, you going back won't fix things either.

    Hugs,

    Susie
     
  16. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    You and your sons have been through too much to start to feel badly for him. You are strong and you can do this. The others are right, you need to keep busy. I love the idea of getting a puppy but I know that might not be feasible because you are living with your parents. Have you gone to an Alanon meeting? Try to find a support group for separated or divorced WOMEN. If you go to a divorce support group, the men there will mostly likely just want to pick up women.
     
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Get into counseling...get the kids into counseling, and make it a date night of sorts for yourself and the kids...I did this with DF and difficult child (2 times a week to counseling) and our "treat" was always window food.

    Actually; the longer we went the more we looked forward to it. You just feel better. AND you'll never change your parents opinions and looks (it's their coping skills for lack of being able to say "We don't want to deal with it") in counseling you'll learn how to stand up, stand on your own, and deal with things a lot better.

    KEEP THE FAITH...
    Hugs
    Star
     
  18. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    Have you gone to an Alanon meeting? Try to find a support group for separated or divorced WOMEN. If you go to a divorce support group, the men there will mostly likely just want to pick up women. [/quote]

    I have been going to a fresh start group for women it's 2 x's a month, But I missed the last 2, and I feel it. Alanon I have been doing online, just because of my hectic schedule. I did join a gym but have yet to make it there! I would love a Puppy or even a baby guinea pig to add to our collection but my parents would have a fit! Now with d/h out of work, there's no $ from him, I have an appointment with my lawyer on Friday.

    difficult child II put a kid in a head lock today at after care, and threatend to kill himself afterwards, so I am sure the school will make me take him for an evaluation 2morrow, I knew it was too good to last, sigh................... :crying:
     
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    ahhhhh I need a puppy or a guinea pig. No you don't. You don't need something ELSE to take care of, or love you unconditionally.

    You need to figure out that YOU are the most important person in the world. You need to find out where you left your self confidence, your love for yourself, and where you were when you decided it was okay to be treated less than you deserve. A guinea pig or a puppy is not going to fill that need. Finding yourself and improving on your life will. Making sure that you aren't attracted to a person for the wrong reasons and repeat the same mistake you did in choosing your first mate is more important now than almost anything. Someone told me after my separation that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time ie: picking the same kind or sorts of men and hoping they turn out to be different. Not gonna happen.

    I went and have been to alanon, narcanon, aa, (all for x) and narcanon was about the best, but it was in essence a room full of former cocaine users trying to get clean (admirable to say the least) but I didn't want to take a chance that I would meet someone and feel "sorry" or "fall" for them and have the same thing happen over and over in my life or my kids' life. I chose to get sliding scale fee counseling and went once a week. I didn't have a drug problem - he did. I had an enabling problem because I was naive. Life has given me quite an education.

    I hope you take all this cyber-advice to heart. I'm not preaching or trying to tell you what to do. I guess it's just when you've been there yourself and see someone you know falling into the same pitfalls..you don't want them to so you bark or yell or type out a message on a board so that they see and hear you.

    YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY and if you don't know HOW....find out! Educate yourself. When I finally did meet my df (oh thats a good story too) I walked a wide path around him. Long hair, tattoos, biker. But what made him different was that I was DONE with macho self-serving men. My attitude reflected that and come to find out he was really a nice, decent, honest man. He is my soul mate if there ever was to be one. And the thing that got me despite the hair and ink? He said I was the first woman he ever met with a sexy mind. (HA me...with a mind at all was a new one)

    He said that my no -BS attitude was refreshing and enjoyable. It also told him I wasn't putting up with CRUD in my life and drew the line about how I would and wouldn't be talked to. That led to me having less stress in my life because now I was being treated like I should have been being treated all along. And that led to my self-confidence level rising, my attitude and appearance improving, getting a better job, being able to deal with my kid (mostly) and lots of doors opened.

    I took a leap of faith, got my son, got some of my possessions and left my x in a van he gave me (stolen) and lived in that van with my son in a town where no one knew me and no money, no home and little to no possessions. Today I own a home, I'm rich in spirit but still poor in pocket, but I'm happy and I dont' spend my days yelling or getting yelled at or being put down. Now I'm put on a pedestal. I deserved it. YOU DESERVE THE SAME.

    So for now, forget about the pup and the piggy and take care of yourself. Don't find the time.....MAKE THE TIME TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE. YOU are the only one who can do this and make it happen and if you start today....you're a day farther along than you were. Find a counselor that will let you bring the kids and lock his door for an hour while you unload and figure out you. Ask your parents to do it for you and leave for an hour. IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO IMPROVE YOURSELF WHY in the WORLD should anyone else think more highly of you and treat you the same?

    YOU HAVE CHARISMA........FIND IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT...your kids are worth you being the best MOM you can be aren't they? What's stopping you?

    Nothing, but your excuses.

    I know you can make it - I'm here and everyone else is here rootin' for you!

    Goooooooooooooooo GIRL!!!!!
    Hugs & Love
    Star
    the long winded
     
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