Okay admit it...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus Archives' started by everywoman, Jan 4, 2008.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    how many of you are former difficult children---

    Janet's response to MB got me to thinking...

    I was a wild child. I was in every bar in a 30 mile radius before I was 17. I smoked and drank...bicardi and coke with a twist of lemon, please. I totaled my first car 4 months after I got it. I ran away---once to my boyfriend's house. I was 17. My grandfather threatened to call the law and I came home because even though I thought I knew it all, I didn't know I could leave at 17.

    I got married, in a bar, at 2 o'clock in the morning in Myrtle Beach, SC to a guy who was 17 years older than I was and whose occupation was a bouncer....

    I had pcson at 19. I lived in complete poverty. I thought I was happy because I was living my life on my terms.

    I woke up after son was born. I didn't love his father, heck, I didn't even like him very much. I was stuck. So I went back to college, worked full times selling shoes at an outlet mall. Went without so pcson could have.

    Then October of my senior year of college, I left ex. I went home with my tail between my legs, and they opened their arms. I had done some horrible, no-good, very bad things, but they accepted me, no questions asked. I moved back into my grandparent's home. I finished school. I partied way too much, let them watch easy child too much, but I managed to graduate.

    I met husband the night before I graduated from college. I already had a job at the local high school (still there 21 years later).
    I had been looking for a house---my grandparent's would have helped me purchase. I had a brand new car---the first since I wrecked the other they had bought me. I was not looking for a "man." But I found husband. I was 25---he was 32 and had never been married.

    The rest of the story is still being written, but...

    What about our kids? Could they turn out all right in the end? Are we so enmeshed in their lives because of the roads we have traveled? Can we really stop them from living their lives because it may lead to hardship and heartache. Isn't that what builds character?

    Just musing here.
     
  2. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    What a touching life story everywoman. You did ok. They say there are lessons to be learned in life. I think Helen Keller says something about not knowing joy if there is no pain or sadness in our lives(poorly quoted).

    I wasn't a difficult child but I'm sure my mother would think I was one of the more difficult of her 5 children. She didn't have a clue what a difficult child really is.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, I know I was a difficult child. I certainly was no angel. Although I was smart enough NOT to get caught at most of my antics. And I can't compete with my 2 difficult child brothers and difficult child sister.

    by the way, difficult child brother turned out fantastic, and he was the one everyone was REALLY worried about. Spent life from age 13-22 stoned or drunk or both, at least tried every drug out there. Teen years spent in jail, totalling cars (nearly killing himself that way a few times) on probation. Had a shot gun wedding at 19 because he knocked up a 14 yr old girl. (actually he knocked up her 13 yr old sis, his boyfriend knocked up the 14 yr old---don't ask lol) Turned out to be a great Dad, had another right after first child came. Mom was difficult child herself, wanted to party not parent. Marriage ended before 2nd child arrived. Met a wonderful girl when he wasn't even looking. Fell in love. Then got stupid and cheated on her and lost her. Wound up with wife #2, and 2 more kids.

    But in the process of all that drama....somehow he managed to grow up, had always worked even if it was pumping gas, get his GED, buy a house, and own a business.

    He turned out pretty well, even if his life hasn't been a bed of roses. And trust me, I didn't touch on even half of it. lol

    Let's see.... At 16 I lost grandma to cancer, I think this was the straw that broke the camels back after a lifetime of abuse, and thus began my downward spiral. (I had no clue at the time)

    By 17 I was envolved with a motorcycle club. I'd attempted suicide multiple times, only one that anyone actually knows about. (somehow Mom didn't see that as a sign I might have needed help) Run away from home multiple times. Once to Chicago where I was raped at 18. Used to skip school to get drunk at some woman's house that I didn't even know. Um, let's just say I taught myself how to pick locks and leave it there.

    These are only some of the high points. :crazy2: And the reason my kids know next to nothing of my teen years.

    At 19 I met husband, who is 16 yr my senior. We were married less than 4 wks later. Had my first miscarriage 2 months later. Then easy child nine months after that. Discovered by then I'd married an irresponsible drunk. But since I'd vowed all my life I'd never get divorced, I stuck with the marriage. difficult child came along 22 months later, with the whole nightmare associated with his first 2 yrs of life. Right after difficult child was born I wound up in the hospital. My Kidney disease was diagnosed, and I spent most of the next 2 yrs in hospital constantly having surgeries. Nichole was born 3 yrs after that, and after a vesectomy. (talk about a surprise)

    I can't actually think of a period when my life was easy. Maybe that's why I'm so pessimistic. lol

    But the whole family considered me the mega black sheep of the lot.

    Funny, but 25 yrs later......I'm still married to husband, becoming a parent seemed to give me that last booster shot of maturity, I'm the only one of 5 kids to make it to college (even if it took 24 yrs to get there), and seems everything thinks I'm the most boring, down to earth, dependable one of the lot. :rofl:

    I think there are always going to be a percentage of difficult child's who don't improve with maturity, age, and natural consequences. But I do think most wise up sooner or later and at least do their best to turn their lives around.

    As parents, we're gonna worry about them. It's what we're programmed to do. After 18 yrs invested in nuturing, mothering, teaching, it can be hard to figure out when and how to let go and let the chips fall where they may.
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Not me. I was a typical teen with a smart mouth and an attitude at times but was definitely not ever a difficult child.

    I was a good high school student, went to college and graduated with honors, got a teaching job, lived independently until I met my husband, got married at 28, bought a house, first child at 30, second child at 33, still married to the same man 24 years later.

    I expected my children to follow the same path but boy have I gotten a rude awakening!

    ~Kathy
     
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I thought the same exact thing when I read Janet's post!

    Count me in as a former difficult child as well. At least, I think I was. My mom is going senile and tells me I was such a quiet little girl until I hit 15. I was the youngest of 5 siblings, all of us difficult child's in our own twisted way. I was sexually assaulted twice, once by my brother when I was around 11/12 and again by my sister's H when I was 16. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was a compulsive overeater - not sure how much of any of that impacted my becoming a difficult child. I really do not recall me acting out until I was a teen.

    I was sneaking out of my house at 15, smoking pot, drinking, I even took my parents car out once without them knowing. In 11th grade I dropped out of HS, went to live with my sister in another state (she was 17 years older than me and in her early 30's, married with two sons). She worked while I watched her two boys and her H chased other women. It was a fun filled 4 months for me; I met some cool people and managed to hang out with some real losers while there, the not so nicest of which was a band of bikers who lived in an abandoned estate next to my new bff's house! They provided my friend and me (at 17) with plenty of booze and pot.

    After the stint with my sister and her family came to an end, I moved back home, went back to school, doubled up in my classes and graduated with my original class; I even walked with them though not one of them was a friend. After the ceremony I visited my old boyfriend in a psychiatric hospital since he was locked up for hallucinating from acid flashbacks.

    I slept around a little after that and when I was almost 19 my parents retired across country. I decided to stay put on LI. I worked full time at a 7-11 without benefits. I went to dance clubs, drank and partied a lot. I did manage to pay my own rent, car loan (the 67 cougar), insurance, food, clothes and still had money left over for more partying! I went out west to visit my parents for a few months, met another loser out there but then moved back east and hooked up with exh, whom I met through my then best friend. What a friend~

    We fell into each other's lives, married and easy child was born about 13 months later. Right after that, I realized that I had made yet another mistake, but tried to stick it out, got pregnant with difficult child and while I was pregnant, began planning my escape. Before difficult child was 2 I left with my girls.

    It was THEN that I learned to fly straight and behave like a 'normal' person. I was almost 30. So, yeah, I think I qualify as a former difficult child. Funny, my sister once threatened to send her daughter to my house to see how she liked "living in a boring house for a while" - hahaha!!! Not that I was flattered but our lives are pretty routine. We have a lot of healthy fun and laughs, but without that certain level of 'crazy' that my sister and I had growing up and that my sister still has in her crazy house - so compared to HER house, yeah, we may seem boring but I'll take boring over crazy anyday!

    I have a lot of counseling under my belt, along with lots of self-help reading. I don't really have a huge problem with difficult child or easy child drinking on occasion. I did it at 18, but I also had a job. I always worked and I always knew that one day I'd be responsible for myself. The difference that I see in difficult child is that she doesn't seem to see any time past RIGHT NOW and that's what worries me. I've worked since I'm 15 and I haven't stopped yet.

    Partying at their age IS normal; wanting to be out with their friends for every available moment IS normal; not wanting to hang around the house with mom and dad IS normal (although easy child likes hanging with us for some reason-lol). I really don't go crazy over them wanting to be out a lot or even the partying to a degree (there are rules about not driving, etc., while under the influence and so far it's been mostly good). It's the other stuff that drives me crazy most - the apathy and listlessness and the mooching. I didn't do that no matter how much partying I did. Never. I've paid my own way since before I graduated HS.
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So Im not the only difficult child mom on the board huh? LOL.

    Ya know...wouldnt we have been one heck of a fun bunch if we had all met up when we were in our late teens! Whew weee...we could have driven our parents nuts...lmao
     
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yeah like the Yah-Yah Sisterhood! Except I wouldnt be able to hang with yall because I was a goodie too shoes! That is why I wonder how in the world I wound up with kids that did the opposite! :rolleyes:
     
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I was more or less in the middle -- not a goodie two shoes but not a total brat, either. I tried drinking a little in my senior of high school -- didn't like the taste. Tried pot in college -- didn't like that, either. Never really had a curfew cause I would get up when necessary and do what was needed. Cut school occasionally but still managed to get a scholarship to college.

    I was lucky that I was prepared to have a child with problems since I wanted to adopt an older child. However, no one ever warned me what those issues would ultimately cost me either financially or emotionally. I'd do it again but I'd demand a lot from adoption services and I'd dang sure get it all in writing.
     
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Total difficult child. Moved out of home when I was fourteen, went the foster care route. Just up and got my own apartment and quit high school when I was 16. I worked because I liked to smoke and party and you can only freeload for so long.

    Guys? I won't even go there because I have too much pride. Thank God I finally have too much pride!

    L is the product of a casual relationship. Too bad he was rich and powerful. Think Madam Butterfly. This was before people had heard of a "baby daddy" so I always had to explain... "Huh?"

    Funnily enough, we are very stable staid people now. husband was nearly a virgin :rofl: when I met him, but I took care of that. He'd drank maybe two or three times in his life. He to this day has never smoked anything in his life, and never taken an illicit drug. It's hard to get him to take a prescription when he needs it for pain. Back in the day, there were very few drugs I didn't try, and several that I used religiously. We were about as different as two people can be, but I was worn to the bone at 23, and he was good to me. We got married at the courthouse when I got pregnant with M. We lived in HUD housing until M was 12.

    I still consider myself to have been very lucky when it comes down to it. I know how bad it could have gotten. I could be a junky or dead or a worn out toothless streetwalker. Not that I ever did that, but it wouldn't have been a stretch. I guess I lucked out.

    I think my kids can succeed too. At least, I hope so.
     
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Someone remind me to archive this thread. It's great getting this kind of background on our family here. I'm really enjoying reading your stories. Good idea, everywoman.

    I was pretty much a easy child growing up. Trouble is, I was the younger sister of a easy child----the guy NEVER did anything wrong. I still tease my brother about being the perfect child who married the perfect woman and had two perfect children.

    So, by comparison to my brother, I had my *moments* :bag: .

    Happily, as my mom grew older her memory faded so her last memories of me were that I was a WONDERFUL DAUGHTER :angel: :whew: :smile: .

    Suz
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had bipolar and, although I was afraid to even try drugs or drink, I was a handful. I'd rage about once a month and mouth off terribly. I lied all the time about where I was going and what I was doing, and I was a very moody, sad teenager.
     
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Thinking back, I definitely had difficult child tendencies, but didn't go nearly as far down that path as I could have.

    High school was the biggest struggle. My Grannie, who had protected me from the worst of my difficult child-parents' excesses, had died when I was 12, and I was pretty much on my own. My parents had lots of money and I never wanted for things, but I was left to my own devices to raise myself.

    I spent too much time in high school drunk, and ran with a much older crowd, but I still managed to focus just enough to graduate a year early. Same story at university...skipped a lot of classes, drank and partied way too much, caroused with losers, but still managed to graduate with honours.

    I think my Grannie's voice was always in the back of my head, telling me to slow down, take the time to grieve, and grow up. I'm sure that sometimes she sent teams of angels to look after me. More than once I was in situations where I could have ended up raped, beaten, or dead but just by very strange coincidences, I managed to escape. I was afraid to try most drugs...I get hopelessly stoned on Tylenol 3 and was terrified of how any of the street drugs would affect me. Again, I think it's a blessing, because otherwise I'm sure I would have gone down that road too.
     
  13. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I'd say I was a easy child because I went to school, did well, had aspirations for college, held a part-time job, etc. But I did like to party too--spent senior yr of high school getting high every weekend with friends (pot and booze). I certainly did not want to cause my parents grief so I was careful not to let them know the "bad" things I was doing. They were worried about my older brother who was a difficult child, I didn't want to add to that. I got a bad reputation as a senior cause I liked making out with various boys at parties.

    In college I was very happy to have a new beginning where no one knew me or had preconceived notions of who I was.

    I was married to a guy I met in high school (he was older, not at my school) for a few years, then met my kids' dad and fell wildly in love. We married, had a baby who died of SIDS, then had 3 more. He died 11 yrs ago, after 16 yrs of marriage. I met my current husband who is a total easy child--he is such a nerd. He has never smoked a cigarette, let alone pot, and he was never in trouble for a moment while a teen--he was busy building model airplanes. He is an engineer, very practical--can fix anything, loves to clean--well, maybe he doesn't love it but he does it. He also is a musician, plays fiddle, and loves to dance. He is so much fun to be with--has a very cheerful, optimistic disposition. He also has 3 grown kids--all easy child's of course!

    This has been a fun thread--I can hardly believe how gfgish some of you were! My mom would never have let me hang out with you guys!!

    Love,
    Jane
     
  14. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Ahhhh Where to begin...
    I was a difficult child for sure. Not even close to difficult child but a brat in my own right.
    My parents didnt start out in love and never fell in love, they were both married prior to marrying each other, dad was 13 years mom's senior they each had children from previous relationships, mom's kids were scattered out with family and Dad helped her get the kids back, they had me and my brother, we moved from Mass. to Fla a year later my brother died at the age of 7 and so it began...
    Dad left a year later, Mom shacked up with some Ahole who molested me then kicked me out at 11, I stayed with my 17 and 20 year old sisters in a camper until Dad could send for me. I moved back to Mass with Dad and begun to raise Heck. spoiled, defiant, and mouthy. Dad didnt know what to do with me, after losing my brother he was so afraid of losing me he was just numb. Never heard from Ma. started smoking and drinking and sleeping around at 14, sneaked cars, sneaked out, lied, skipped school and got in trouble in school big time, eventually quit at the end of my second year in 11th grade, got preggo at 17 with an older guy who was an alcoholic, but damn cute. had my son my difficult child, lived with my Dad and somehow turned in to the goodie 2 shoes. I still went out to clubs and had some boyfriends but nothing compared to the earlier years. Then I got my GED, went to college, all the time working. Ended up boyfriendless for years, took care of my ailing Dad, paid all the bills became super mom to difficult child, (he never saw any guys or bad behaviour from me) in his eyes I have always been square. I follow every rule, every speed limit, dont cheat, lie, smoke or drink. I pay all my bills on time. Dad died, I buried him and paid for it all by myself.
    I met husband when difficult child was 12, I knew him through friends, he was married and quite frankly I was never the least bit attracted or interested in him. His wife died of Leaukemia, it was New Year's Eve and I had eve's dropped on a conversation he was having with my friend (his friends wife) about how his wife was in a coma and they didnt think she would wake up, I just felt for him, From then on I couldnt get him out of my head, about 6 months later, we were talking about him and my friend was saying how lonely he was etc... how he couldnt date but needed companionship, asked if I would "hang out" with him while difficult child was in SUmmer camp, I said sure, and the rest is history. We have been together ever since, opposites to the core but love each other a ton.

    Thats the short version..
    Grace
     
  15. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I was somewhere in the middle between a goody-goody and difficult child but with all of the difficult child-like behavior around me, it's a wonder I turned out the way I did.

    I grew up in a very "educational" environment. Parents (mom and step-dad who adopted me at the age of 7) were good people with good ideals on how you are as a person but they did enjoy their vices. A lot of alcohol, pills and various "herbs" with the occasional harder drugs now and then. (Mostly then but still showed up) We had legendary parties in the summer.....you know, the kind where there were people passed out in the yard the next morning. We lived in the country and helicopters used to buzz our house trying to tell if that patch of green behind the pole barn was horseweeds or just weed. (Both) Through all of that though, I still had rules, bedtimes, grade expectations, etc. (My mom is a big one with "do as I say, not as I do") Once I hit 16 and got my license I started having my own fun. Didn't really drink or drug (I'm another one that can get stoned off of an Advil) but I did enjoy quite the sex-ed lifestyle and started smoking ciggies. I was smart though, and kept it out of my school. Everyone there thought I was a goody-goody when it came to sex. (I was also quite the dork at school so I'm sure that helped!LOL) I drank maybe a handful of times before I was 21 and have only smoked weed 3 times in my life. (Last time was almost 18 years ago) Although, I do have to say that while I have no desire to be around it, I do like the smell of it. (Reminds me of home maybe??? LOL) I'm still not a big drinker to this day though. I have no tolerance for it and don't care for the taste of most of it. The sleepig around thing was my biggie. By the time I met husband when I was 23, it had slowed down a little but basically it lasted until I met him. We got married 1 1/2 years after we met and the rest is history. husband wasn't really a bad boy either. He's done his share of drinking (but not to an excess) and tried weed and one other thing but hated it. His big thing seemed to be getting married. His first lasted 6 months, second was less than a year. Then he met me and finally got it right! :wink: We've been married 12 1/2 years now and still going strong.
     
  16. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    I was a parents dream child. Never got into trouble. Did well in high school. Respected my parents. My husband was the same way. He was a breeze and a joy to his parents.

    In some ways, I think it was harder for us to parent a troubled teen. I had absolutely NO basis to understand rebellion, angst or her adolescence. I just couldn't understand where she was coming from. It was really difficult.

    Fortunately, my best friend, was a major difficult child when she was growing up. And she really tried to help me understand and to be understanding toward my daughter. Otherwise, I would have been more clueless than I already was.
     
  17. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I was a secret difficult child. I guess I was smart enough not to get caught. Well...there were a few times. My parents were VERY strict. I had a 8pm curfew my senior year in high school. Unfortunaly this led me to lie to them a lot.

    Had my first drink at 13...Everclear, non less. :smile:

    Got picked up for shoplifting. That was a load of fun. When you live in a very small town, everyone knows EVERYTHING. Through my mother's request, they cuffed me, took my photo, the whole nine yards. It scared the :censored2: out of me.

    Thought about running away many times. Well, you do NOT run away when you live in South Dakota. First of all, there is no place to go. Secondly, it's likely to be below zero. I remember having my hand on the door handle with my backpack filled then thinking...what AM I thinking?? It's -10 out!!

    Got suspended from school my senior year for breaking into our local publisher's office to change the April Fool's edition of our high school paper. (I was the editor.) In private, my principal chuckled and said it was a valiant attempt.

    Probably normal rebellious kid stuff. I know one thing - I never hurt anyone. To me, that is the difference between normal kid stuff and a difficult child.

    Abbey
     
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh wow, I am feeling so much better now! :whew:

    It's been so much fun reading about everyone's lives, the ups, the downs, the difficult child-ness, and even the so-called pcs!! :rofl:
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What tickles me is that you so called difficult child's running away as teens! Hello...I started my running away when I was 5!!!! I could swap stories for days...lol.
     
  20. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">My mom would never have let me hang out with you guys!! </div></div>

    My mother wouldn't either...




    ....but I sure am glad to hang out with you guys NOW! :smile:




    Suz
     
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