OMG!!! husband arrested last night...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Mar 23, 2007.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Charged with assault...
    He is in Chicago and was watching his Alma Matre KU at his friends Bar... well last thing I said to him was please be careful and don't get stupid...

    I did not hear from him this morning, which I usaully do, he was suposed to be at work... so I called his cell, turned off. My Mommy gut was a bit worried. Well about 11am my time he calls sobbing, he just got out of the hospital and was charged with assault... all he can remember is leaving the bar, taking a cab waking up in the hospital with 2 cops screaming over him and a huge gash under his eye and one on the back of his head... he was arrested and cherged with assault. He has no idea who he assualted or if he was jumped, I believe his wallet is gone...

    I am so sickened right now, I had to call his p's to help him get a lawyer, he is so out of it he can't think straight... I am waiting to find out if his wallet is gone?

    I remained calm on the phone, but as soon as I hung up it was like a flood of emotions. I grew up in such an alcoholic family and husband has had a few issues in the past and we have tried to address them honestly and openly, he can not drink by himself, i.e. with the boys, he does not know how to stop. When I am around he is fine... he struggles with this and has for years. The other thing is we have been having discussions about him talking about maybe taking something for depression, he keeps saying well if I exercise more I will feel better... but I said well this has been going on for awhile, he is struggling with the idea of trying ti fix this family and hates himself because he feels like he can't do anything to help us or the girls. SO he sabotages himslef... He is the kindest sweetest most giving man in the world... but he is STUPID when it comes to alcohol and escaping...

    I am so frustrated right now I feel like I am the only one holding this family together, what am I supposed to do??? The girls know something is up... I am trying to be extra "happy". He is supposed to come home Sunday night , no ID. He already misplaced his Passport, I have been on him about that. It is somewhere in Chicago.
    I told him to stay until he figures it out...
    Luckily my dear friend had been planning on coming up with her 2 girls and spending the night, they have not been up here since before Christmas, She is someone I can cry to. Her and you guy's are all I have. :sad:

    WTF... I could scream and cry... I don't need this, we don't need this... The funny thing is I am re-reading "The Bipolar Child" and last night I was reading the section on families with multiple g'sfg... I think I have all 4 of us at this point!!!
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am so sorry that you are having this trouble. he is an adult and must face it on his own. I am learning the hard way not to rescue or enable. sigh
    I hope your friend makes you feel better. it is good to have someone to talk with for sure.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh totoro...Im so sorry. I can only imagine how upset you are right now. Try to stay calm until you guys know all the facts. Maybe he did get jumped. Maybe some witnesses will come forward to help him out. We can hope.

    Maybe this will be the wake up call to get him some help.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Goodness gracious! I'm so sorry!

    If he's flying home he'll need ID in order to board a plane.

    I hope he can piece together what happened last night and that he's able to retrieve his things, too.

  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    He just text messaged me, because I TM'd him asking if I needed to start calling our card companies etc. (his Mom is the one who told me she thought his wallet was gone) Luckily he always only takes a "city wallet" when going out, ID and cash... but of course he found it upon looking through his stuff again... that at least makes me feel better. One less thing I have to worry about...

    I don't know if he will be coming home Sunday or not... he needs to figure this out. I just need him to be strong for our girls... this sucks!!!
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry he did that. Sometimes people are just stupid!! My pcson gave a guy a ride home from a bar about three months ago, was assaulted, and ended up paying a disorderly conduct ticket for his fault in it. I told him he was stupid to give someone he didn't know a ride home!!!
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    The thing is he is the most passive guy in the world... that is what is so sad about this, but he is 6'2 so he has been confronted a lot in his life... I have been worried about him and where he lives in Chicago, he has had some kids follow him a few times etc... Who knows, it could be anything at this point. He has so much going on in his head, I feel bad because we were so close to getting him help and addressing all of this.

    I am still very mad though, I don't want to be his stinking Mommy... I feel numb right now... tears then numb then back again...

    I just don't want difficult child 1 to know anything, she is so fragile right now.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are not his mommy. He is a big boy and needs to deal with this on his own. He is still a separate being from you. Yes, his actions do affect your life. This is one thing you can not help him with.
  9. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm so sorry. I grew up with an alocoholic father. I know where you are coming from.
    I agree with the others. You aren't his mommy. He needs to learn to control himself one way or the other. Maybe this has knocked some sense into him. :ill:


  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry too. I know what a bad place this puts you in.

    I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years, so I've been there done that. They do need to suffer the consequences of their actions and hopefully learn from the experience (usually NOT) ... but unfortunately the "consequences" have a way of impacting the rest of their family right along with them, especially the financial "consequences". And when people looked down on him for something he did, I felt like they were looking at ME the same way! It's not an easy position to be in, but you need to remember that HE is responsible for his actions, HE should be ashamed, not YOU! I know I'm not much help but I do understand and I'm sending lots of hugs.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hugs, totoro. I hope you get some answers soon. Meanwhile, you need to hold things together for the kids.

    Sometimes it's hard to know what happened, in hindsight. If he had drunk too much and the cops picked him up he may have fought them, not understanding who they were. Who knows?

    difficult child 3's friend has a large dad who works out - built like Arnie. He ended up in hospital one night, couldn't remember what happened. He'd been found bloodied and unconscious by the side of the road next to the creek. At first he thought he'd been jumped - a big bloke like that can be a target for louts who want to be able to say, "I beat up this big bloke..." when they really needed a team to do it.
    Then he thought about it and began to remember scraps - turns out he'd been walking home after having drunk more than he should have even for HIS huge frame, and he tripped over a concrete slab which marks the edge of the creek. This slab sticks out at an angle and he hit his face on the corner protruding over the creek. Thanks to the drought, there was not enough water in the creek to drown him and he was found on the grass. When I saw the triangular notch between his eyes, I went down and checked the concrete slab and it all made sense. Even the slab - it's slightly raised so it wouldn't have taken much in the dark to trip over it. There is absolutely no barrier or safety fence, you could walk right into the creek and fall badly, it's a 2 metre drop.

  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am sending you some ((((HUGS))))) also. My father was a fuctional alcholic. The embarassment he caused us kids was very hard to deal with at times. Alcholism affects the entire family. It is even more difficult when it is the bread winner with the problem. If you haven't already get yourself to Alanon and the kids to Alateen. They can teach you to deal with it and stay healthy in spite of whether your husband gets help or not. -RM
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Thank you everyone... I feel a bit better tonight. Talked to husband tonight told him he needs to figure this out... but that I think he needs to talk to our doctor. He was a bit hesitant at first and asked me why? I said I am not going to tell you what to do but think about everything, you are doing things that are not helping your mind or body, you have been drinking more and you are having a hard time with all of our family issues, the burden of feeling responsible etc. Maybe a talk will help, he said for what anti-depressants? I said I don't know, but it would not hurt to talk to her and see what she thinks... because you need to start thinking differently.

    He told me how sorry he was and humiliated. He feels horrible and realizes this is a turning point. I think he really scared himself by the fact that he doesn't remember anything past leaving the bar and getting in the cab.
    The only thing we can think of that might have happened is he passed out in the cab, and the cab driver tried to wake him and could not maybe got mad tried harder, maybe tried to push him out of the cab, husband freaked out, scared himself and cabbie, a fight started and the cops came, took him to hospital and then to jail... husband doesn't even know what hospital he was at!!!
    He wants help, he will be home Sunday night late, so we will see... I am going to try and be there for him... but this can't go on forever like this.
  14. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #663366"> what an ugly situation. hopefully this has scared husband enough for him to seek help.

    husband talking to his doctor is definitely a good idea. there is a window of opportunity here. i would suggest to husband that he seek an evaluation for alcoholism. he then needs to follow through with-the recommendations that come from the evaluation. it will help on many levels if he will do this. first, help at home/relationship, second, will help smooth things over with-his job & third, if he's in treatment...or at least working toward it...when he faces the prosecutor is deciding charges & he faces a judge it may go easier for him. especially if this is his first arrest for something like this.

    he's in a frieghtened & remorseful place. i'd strike while the iron is hot.

    kris </span> </span> </span>
  15. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I thought about this over the night and realized I do really have a great husband and he is nothing like my Father, He has never let anything come in the way of the family before this. This does not affect his job at all... he has never done anything financially stupid or otherwise due to drinking... while I do admit he does have issues that need to be dealt with, I believe he has/had so much weight on him and really didn't know how to let it go or deal with it and the other night he went out and got wasted, was it smart? NO!!!
    But this is a time I think when I look at our marriage and the give and take and what we do for each other, this is his one downfall, his one mistake. He has been thier for me so many times, has suported me through huge battles with his Mom and stood up for me... stood by me when I was struggling with my anxiety or migraines... He would do anything for me and the kids, he f'd up the other night and he feels horrible. But I need to be his wife right now and help him if he needs it. I am not going to make his decisions for him... but I will support him. I owe him that.
    A relationship is about give and take and strength and weakness... I am seeing his right now, and he needs help.

    Thanks for listening to me and the kind words... by the way of course I am still mad!!!
  16. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I agree, if he really isn't an alcholic and it was one stupid mistake, then be there for him. He sounds like he needs it. No need to throw a great marriage away over one stupid mistake. :smile:

  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I am so sorry!

    Yes, this is a wake up call. He may be ordered to undergo treatment, which would be the best thing ever.

  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just checking in. How are things going?
  19. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    A bit tense!!! He is bummed, but also doesn't want to deal with it much, I think he just wants it to go away... His court appearance is in a month, attorney can't find anything out until then?!?!?
    When we try to talk about some of the issues that led up to this he starts in on me... and I get mad because right now this is not about me. I did not f'up... So I am going to be quiet for awhile and see what decision he comes to, we have therapist apt. tommorrow, I think husband is going...
    I am tired and stressed. It seems like a lot of stress in the air, even just reading some of the posts... lots of sadness and anger, disagreements, I am just a bit too sensitive right now... I guess.
    Thanks for asking about us, I know it will get better... just need time. :sad: