Part two of I'm not Visiting my Abuse Son in MO: I feel guilty. Yep.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He has no idea I canceled my tickets and will be really angry and upset that I'm not visiting him. I realize it is his behavior that caused it, but I still feel guilty. Knock some common sense into me. PLEASE!!!!
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    He is unstable, and you cannot handle that degree of instability without back-up.
    You were going alone.
    Yes, he will react. But it is his problem, not yours.
    You have other kids to look after... and their needs come before his. You have to look after yourself.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're doing the right thing MWM. Your son is an adult, an adult who is acting badly and one whom you do not feel safe with. This is a wonderful example of you taking care of yourself, focusing on your needs as opposed to his, recognizing that you would be enabling him by going because he wants you to, when it doesn't feel right to you. Whatever his reactions are, are his reactions, you are not responsible for his reactions nor are you there to save him from himself or his circumstances. Although I understand and have empathy for why you would feel guilty, I think that would be a common response to different behavior on your part, as well as wanting to be there for him but recognizing that under the circumstances, you cannot...........I think it's safe to say that you can (and should) throw that guilt overboard, you made the only sane choice, you made the right choice, you are choosing to take care of yourself rather then him. I say, good job. Not easy, not fun, not a feel good experience at all, but you're responding with self love and self respect and showing him by your example, someone who honors herself enough to make a difficult choice. I believe in this particular instance, guilt only serves to make you feel bad, to make you suffer, it has no redeeming qualities for change or resolution or remorse, throw it off and enjoy your holidays with your family. (((HUGS))))
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    No need to feel guilty. Your son is an adult. He is responsible for his own actions and the consequences to those actions. Maybe this will show him he needs to go seek some help.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok...I feel better now. THANKS, guys :)
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you cancelled your tickets. You deserve to be around people who show you love, respect and kindness. You don't bend over backward and fly to a place where you'll be treated badly. It's a shame for him.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I have read all of your threads about this son. Going to visit him is about the LAST thing you should be doing. He is NOT stable, and he is very verbally abusive. He makes 80 K and cannot get help? I don't buy it. Even with child support and bills, he can cancel his cable or satellite tv and get a therapist and medications, or he can cut out the alcohol or he can spend less eating out. His gift from me would be a copy of the Complete Tightwad Gazette and some words to suggest he cut back on spending and invest in his mental health.

    I sincerely hope he does not get full custody. Given how he is acting, and that he is unmedicated bipolar, I am not even sure he should have shared parenting. If he is this way just with the divorce stress, what will he be like with a small child when he must do EVERYTHING for that child? How patient is he capable of being? Sure, his wife may have set the pattern of his life, but I am willing to bet he treated her much like he treats you. You are seeing this because she got EMPOWERED and chose not to be treated like this.

    I am not sure I believe he isn't drinking or like this with his son. I know sometimes people CAN treat some people totally different than others, but usually the ones you live with get all your stresses and problems dumped on them. So you get this because you are the only one willing to allow him to treat them like this.

    I know you love him, but as a parent the job isn't done when they are adults. Sometimes you have to do the hard things and say "I will not come see you or help you until/unless you are seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and getting help. the cost for that can come out of your drinking money, your eating out/convenience food money, your entertainment money or the money from your cable/satellite/whatever bill. You must choose to make this a priority for your child's benefit or you must find someone else to abuse. Loving you and being your mom means I have to set limits and be honest with you. I am sorry you don't like this, but you are acting very inappropriately and I cannot allow you to treat me this way. I respect myself and I respect YOU too much to allow you to act this way without putting some healthy boundaries in place. I end up shaking and terrified after you call me. I know that is not what you want, but that is the result of your behavior. It is time for you to put things back together and do what you need to do to be a responsible man, a good father AND a good son.

    I would probably write this in a letter or card so that he can read it in parts and have time to focus on it. When he calls, let him know that the FIRST time he is abusive verbally, you will hang up. If he threatens suicide? You will call 911 in his area and you will send police to his home to check on him. Then I would follow through.

    By ALLOWING him to speak to you this way, and to justify not getting help when he is clearly spending on luxuries like booze, is not being ether a good parent or a good MWM. You are WORTH MORE than you are getting, and you have a RIGHT to be treated decently. Manners and respect are NOT something you give to people you don't know, they are first and foremost for the ones you love and rely on.

    I know how hard this is, and how scary. I was flat out terrified when I drew boundaries and refused contact with my brother. THere actually were several times he walked into my house and demanded to talk to me and I sat with both J and T (Wiz lived with my folks already) behind a locked door (he stole my house key from my parents and copied it, and that is how we found out he had a key to our home!) and simply told him we would call the cops if he didn't leave immediately. For a while I even vomited if I ran into him in a store. At one point had to vomit out the side of the car when I realized that if I ran into the store as planned then I would have to talk to him because his vehicle was there.

    I cried, was so angry at him and at myself for being so scared. With the help of a therapist and everyone here? It was the start of a new, gfgbro free life with none of that awful, sick shaky feel on a daily basis. My gfgbro is truly hurt and confused because he s TOTALLY unwilling to see that his behavior is so wrong and bullying. in my opinion this won't change until others stand up to him, but he generally reserves this for one specific group of people and is 'the nicest guy' to most others. That one group used to be husband, my kids, any animal I own/am owned by, and myself. Now that I have deprived him of his target group, I fear it is my niece when she is alone with him. I know it is his female dog, and that makes me sick.

    I know you don't want to lose this son, but you MUST respect him enough to demand good behavior. If he doesn't give this, and it could take a few years for him to understand this, he is the one who is hurting himself. Not you.

    At this point, with this behavior, I would not subject myself to his abuse in a visit. If you cannot be honest with him, then say you are sick. you are, sick of his behavior. I also would pray that he not ask you to testfy for him so he could get custody unless his ex is truly awful to the boy. As an unmedicated bipolar, it would be irresponsible for a judge to give him custody, and I think you would have a hard time not telling the judge that because it is, quite simply, part of 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth." If he truly wants what is best for his son then he will find a way to get help and medications. If he won't, and won't get help for drinking, then he needs to not have custody, hard as that is.

    (((((hugs))))) I truly DO know that nasty, shaky, awful feeling and I wish I could help it. Sadly, only by doing hte hard thing, and surviving it for a period of time until healing happens, can you truly get rid of this. It is hard, and I wish it could be different. But there is a REASON that the other kids do not want hm around, and it is because of behavior like thisl

    Love him and yourself enough to set these limits. If you haven't read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, or it has been a while, that would be a good xmas gift to yourself.
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    What Susie said.

    I agree. Stay home and enjoy your time with the family members who are being good to you.
    And yes, the Boundaries book is a wonderful idea.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, I loved your post. Oh, he has a mood disorder, all right, and probably narcissism, which is even worse because medications can't treat it. I agree with you...he can find help if he really looks. He is being so disrespectful and threatening...his siblings loathe him.

    I talked to Pastrychef this morning and she told me to flat out tell him to call me back when he can be nice and hang up. She actually has no idea why me or her father (my ex) talk to him at all because he is abusive to both of us. Ex is smarter. He's pulling back. I tried to be his strength, but I can't be. I can't even be his friend and he is too old for me to parent, like he's a five year old difficult child in distress.

    I wish I could know my grandson, but that will never happen. Son is too far away and refuses to drive his son to Chicago, where I go many times a year. He clailms his fancy sportscar, which he also claims he can't sell because it's a lease, will not drive long distances or in the snow. If that's true, how useless is that car? Anyway, I'm not going to let him spoil my Christmas. And thank all of you for telling it straight.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So proud of you. Susie's post is excellent. You are doing the right thing for both of you by not going. Very tough're an excellent mom!