Poor Piglet: difficult child friends

[JJJ]

Piglet never really had neighborhood friends before last year. Her friends were always from her sports team and lived 30-60 minutes away. Last year (6th grade), she made friends with a group of 6th grade girls. One by one they have been caught stealing (once by Piglet) and she has dropped them as friends. Today, we get a call from the mom of one of the 2 girls left (Girl T). Things were missing from their house and only Piglet and Girl A were over there. Piglet had two of items and said Girl A gave them to her. We drive over to Girl T's house and return them and apologize. Mom of T and I then talked and she said that she thinks Piglet is telling the truth as they called Girl A first and she said she saw Piglet take everything and provided a lot of details - she said A just sounded 'off' like she was reciting a planned story rather than reacting to the call. When she asked Piglet, Piglet asked what was taken and immediately told her 'oh, i have them, A gave them to me. I didn't know they were Tourette's Syndrome.' Girl A's mom was at work and T's mom is going to call her tonight and talk about it. Girl T is now not allowed to play with any of the girls. And Piglet isn't either -- although she will get to play with Girl T once her mom okays it again.

(I belive that Piglet didn't take them as she went over there in shorts and a tank top without a bag and the Girl A brought her backpack. Piglet couldn't have walked out of the house carrying that stuff without being really noticable. And Piglet arrived home empty handed. Piglet was so ticked when the other two girls were caught stealing that I didn't even have to force her not to play with them - she had no interest in continuing to play with 'lying stealers'.)

I just had the hard talk with Piglet about having to find all new friends next year Junior high is tough enough without having to find new friends. But she cannot continue with any of these minor-difficult children. She seems to get the guilt-by-assocation concept and that A is not really her friend if she'd set her up like this.

 

[susiestar]

Poor Piglet. She seems to show very good judgement though. I remember how FURIOUS I was when I realized a girl I was with stole from a store we visited at lunch. I got in trouble at school for being late back to lunch but another girl and I grabbed the thief as she tried to run when the sensors went off at the door. I thought we were all going to get arrested but the closest saleslady saw us grab her and knew I actually spent $$ in the store fairly often. Junior high and high school are times when kids seem to think shoplifting and stealing are "cool". I have never understood why.

My dad feels that you cannot EVER trust a person between 11 and 16 or even older if there is money laying around. He has accused my kids of taking $$ to the point that my mother chewed him out. She RARELY does that. Mom was with Jess every second when my dad accused her so she knew it wasn't true. Heck, my husband thought she was stealing from his wallet for a while. She wasn't, his wallet was so old and over filled that the cards and cash fell out every night. I made him start putting his wallet on a shelf rather than in pants he draped over whatever and got him a new wallet and it stopped.

I like to trust the kids, but verify what they say and spend. If they get a new item I want to see the receipt and/or talk with the person who gave it to them. If the kids have money I want to know where it came from.

Events like these will help her learn to chose other friends. She won't be in the "popular" crowd, but she will be able to find some solid kids to hang out with and enjoy.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

JJJ,

you know, being a girl in middle school these days is really tough. Add to the mix that she's a difficult child - difficulty separating the bs from the genuine - and it's even tougher. I think it's so very important that they have least one really good friend - they can help carry you through. Hope she is able to find a better peer group.

Sorry about this situation.

Sharon

 

[tiredmommy]

Does she have any nearby activities? Anything she can start up this summer that serves kids from the new school?

 

[JJJ]

Susie - I agree with your dad. Impulse control is so minimal at those ages.

Sharon - Piglet is my complete easy child. She does have some very good friends, they just don't attend her school.

TM - She's in diving camp right now and then has a few weeks off before conditioning starts for her fall sport. Surprisingly, she is having a lot of fun playing with her brothers

Our 7th graders are divided into two teams, they only cross at PE and elective. I'm going to call the school and ask that Piglet be on the opposite team from these girls if possible (since there are two that will be in 7th grade, it may not be possible if they are already trying to separate them). I already know they aren't in her elective as they don't qualify for it.

I was never thrilled with this group of friends. Piglet's other friends are all highly motivated over achievers. These local girls were content to hang out and do nothing. Piglet went from being very active at recess to sitting on the sidelines. Long term, I'm glad their colors showed now (and their parents too - as they are all in the 'not my kid' and 'so what' camps) so she can start at the new school without being grouped in with those girls.

 

[DDD]

Our difficult child's are so vulnerable. I'm really impressed with her decisive and honest response to the previous stealing. It is also wonderful that she does have friends who are appropriate evenif not closeby.by the way, in case any of the CD family members are unaware as I was in the 70's, GFGmom wasarrested at her middle school and taken to the police station. (That was her one and only run in with the law, Thank heavens.) Turns out she went with a difficult child friend to visit a easy child's house.Unbeknowst to her the difficult child friend stole twenty dollars from a bedroom in the easy child's home whenGFGmom was out on the porch with the easy child. Both GFGmom and the difficult child were charged. I wascompletely shocked. The policemen told me that they knew GFGmom hadn't done anything andthey were sure the charges would be dropped. Not. We had to go to Court and the Judge really, really read the riot act to GFGmom in front of a couple of hundred people AND made mestand up in my place so GFGmom "could see" how much she had hurt her Mother by making such bad choices. That was when I found out that "being with" someone who committed a crime could result in criminal charges. Very Very Scarey.Piglet is making good choices based on her upbringing. I always fear for difficult child's because it is so easy to be absorbed by the choices of poor friends. Way To Go, Piglet. Hugs. DDD

 

[JJJ]

I spoke with the asst principal and she said my timing was perfect as they will start class assignments on Monday. She said she can't guarentee that she can keep them both away from her but off the top of her head she couldn't think of any conflict and she's let me know when assignments were done so that I can work with her on strategies for the lunchroom if one of them will be there.

I did know about the 'guilt by association' charges. I've made it very clear to all of my kids that if they see a friend committing a crime they should (1) tell the adult that is there or if that is too hard (2) leave immidiately, without even saying goodbye. My children are black and we live in a primarily white town so when asked to describe a group of kids -- mine are the ones that are most memorable.