Practicing saying no today...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Jun 3, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child moved out right after graduation. She has been pleasant when she stopped by house. Still can't get her to work on her empty room, so husband and I will be boxing more things up.

    Monday we were at a mall and she found a pair of boots on clearance for $15 and used her debit card to buy...but she must not have had enough in her account. Earlier she showed me her new nails she had done. I could have loaned her enough for the boots, but I walked away and pretended I didn't know what was happening. She has 8 more days til payday. Today she stopped by the house because she had had a flat tire and texting her dad (my son) about it. He got the car in where he works and fixed it, loaning her money til payday.

    While at the house she said her phone had stopped working, and she wondered if I had taken her off my plan. I hadn't. She wants to switch carriers, but needs a new phone. She got on eBay, found a Samsung one she liked that the auction was ending in two minutes and wanted me to bid...and she would pay me back...I declined. By the time she pays for the new tire, and a new phone, she won't have funds for phone service. Plus she won't have money for gas and food for two more weeks...

    She also asked to take some laundry detergent so she could wash her uniform...we gave her our old bottle with enough for a couple loads. She mentioned she is going to hunt for a CNA job next week...when she has more time. She has only worked one 5 hour shift from Monday to Friday...you would think she would have time to look this week. Oh well...

    I have a feeling it is going to be a long summer... KSM.
     
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I arrived home having bought Magnesium, Potassium and Vit D. My son is always nagging me about nutrition.

    Oh Mom. I need magnesium. This is the wrong kind but still...can I have them. I'll pay you.

    Son. Please, please, please don't use up my olive oil and butter. I use them to cook and bake.

    OK Mom, no problem. Just use mine. NOOOO. I want my own. I want eggs to be in the refrigerator when I need them. Please. OK, Mom. I'll pay you.


    When I got up (late) today my son had not gone to work with M. I didn't feel well, Mom.

    He didn't look good, either. I sensed something was off. He is not following through on anything.

    When M came home he said he thought my son had smoked marijuana and that is why he was up all night and didn't feel or look good.

    Said M: When he has money he feels like king of the world.*His SSI came on Wednesday.

    Everything that I have is his. I'll pay you, Mom.

    I think you have the right idea, KSM. NO.

    Did I teach him to be so slippery sleezy? I must have.
     
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Copa, don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't TEACH him to be like this. Life handed him - and you - some unusual circumstances and some unusual experiences. You made some choices. So did he. So did a whole raft of other people. You are not the sole most important input into how he turned out, Copa. You're just his Mom.
     
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  4. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    You did not teach him to be slippery sleazy. My son conveniently never has money except to buy alcohol and meals out with his girlfriend. Eats us out of house and home. We did not teach him to be selfish and self centered but I do believe we are enabling him by letting him stay at our home without treatment. Now if I could get my husband to stand up to my son.......never ending battle it seems.
     
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  5. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    I agree with Insane Cdn. You are not to blame. I wish that I could take away all the guilt we moms face every day with these "kids".
     
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  6. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    "No" is great to practice. I also like just walking away or acting like I don't know what is going on. My "no" has ended in an explosion or two, but I stood my ground. It works if you work it.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I love this so much.

    I used to identify with Columbo. You know the TV detective played by Peter Falk in the 70's I think it was.

    I guess because I felt like I was more than I seemed. Smarter. Stronger. I felt like (feared, and still do) that I was put down by others because of my persona--which is feminine and vulnerable.

    So now, Walrus, you put forth the Columbo parenting style. Which I totally love.

    I mean every stupid thing does not merit a response. Every request for xx, yy, zz does not require answering. Overlooking stuff can often result in them tripping over themselves. (Insert a great deal of sadistic pleasure here.) I mean, the re-frame so as to not feel so guilty about my sadism, is that I allow my son learning experiences.

    Thank you.
     
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Love everything you wrote here.

    On my refrigerator I have posted a page that has a bunch of alanon slogans on it. It's the only thing on my fridge so it stands out.

    One of them is: No is a complete sentence.

    That was a hard hard one for me, as I wanted to soften my No and explain it....I always have thrown a lot of words at things. So staying quiet, keeping it short, walking away...all were and still are behaviors in progress for me.

    But they work. They really do. Less is way way way more. The less we can say (they already know because we have already told them 1000 times), the better.

    Because then, they target what we just said, instead of dealing with themselves.

    The more they can deal with themselves...the better off they are and the better off we are.

    You did great, KSM. I mean really really great with all of that. Hang in there.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    All anon forever changed the way I interact with everyone close to me. I love it.

    My favorite saying us "less is more." This is not from all anon, but I use it the most. As a talker, this is excruciating for me.

    No IS a complete sentence. I also like to soften my no, but often it backfires and just throws fuel on the fire.

    KSM, you are doing wonderfully.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  10. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    Yes, keep conversations simple, like "NO" and walk away. If you say NO, then say No, because I need this or that for blah blah, then the more you say, the more they can come back with a counter argument of why they need what you have or don't have. KSM, keep on with the No and the walking away as if you didn't have a clue what is going on- show disinterest.

    Copa- I am sorry about son. Simple NO for him to when he wants what you have. You really have to turn a deaf ear to their hints, begging, pleading. I loved Columbo by the way. Great show.
     
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