Probation review, difficult child sent back to prison

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rejectedmom, May 1, 2008.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Well The PO asked for a review of probation requested and got an additional 24 months.
    The judge ordered difficult child to be held at the county prison untill a complete evaluation can be done on him and then an inpatient treatment facility for a 28 day program. Problem is that difficult child has been sober for two months now and probably won't qualify for any program and if not he can be held in prison for the entire two years. His offence? He got drunk and was asked to leave program housing. difficult child took that as rejection and stopped going to the program entirely. He continued to call his PO and paid his court fees and went to AA meetings regularly. He found another soberhouse and moved in. But difficult child isn't real ambitious or job savy and he had a girlfriend that he liked hanging out with so his job hunt consisted of checking maybe one place a day late in the afternoon. Needless to say with a felony record his disability and his lack of urgency, he couldn't find steady work. When he couldn't make his rent he was asked to leave the soberhouse difficult child's mental health worker took another job and no one followed up so difficult child was left on the street to figure things out on his own. Right after he left program housing his social worker went out on maturnity leave and no one was re-assigned to the case so he had no contact person at the program anyway. So even if he had attended regularly he wouldn't have been supervised. The system failed again and my son is now caught up in it for another 2 years. After the first sober house, difficult child moved from one buddy's house to another's with girlfriend following along. Then finally after two weeks of this she went to live with an aunt and difficult child got into another sober house. I then paid for three weeks rent so he could stay there and have a stable environment while looking for work. I told him he had to do this if he wanted to stay out of jail. I also told him to get a PD which he did. (evidently the guy did nothing) difficult child got a job, was put on the payroll on monday and went to court yesterday and the judge threw the book at him. Now remember, this is a borderline retarded individual with a social age of about 15 years. He has ADHD, severe depression and was recently diagnosis bi polar. His mental health history is a mile long. He has been hospitalized with depression three different times, he made two sucide gestures while in prison and one feeble escape attempt which put him in isolation for three months without visitations. So even with all that evidence that this is not a normal person, difficult child is sent back to prison for not doing all the requirements of his parole. The reasoning that the PO gave me? When he was drunk he made nasty threats which he did not act upon and has no recollection of. The police investigated and gave difficult child a warning and he has been sober ever since. Anyway after that incident difficult child got so depressed he ended up going to crisis intervention where he told of his mental health issues. The things he told them somehow were made available ( I will have to find out if this was through a suppeona) to the PO and the court and it was decided that difficult child "might" hurt someone. PO went on to tell me that IF that happened she and the PO office would be held accountable. She also told me the day before court that she was only going to ask for 9 months when she in fact asked for 24. Then after it is all over and difficult child starts sobbing uncontrollably in court, she breaks down crying goes to the ladies room and calls me. Over the phone she tells me that she feels like she let difficult child down (DUH!) and that she is probably not cut out for this job and might start looking for a new one. She added that she was going to transfer difficult child's case over to a special unit for the mentally ill within the Po office. (Ummmmmmmm why hadn't that been done months ago? And why is this the first I've heard that such a unit existed.) She said that workers in that unit typically had 30 cases to her 120. Then she tells me to contact MHMR to get the process going again to get difficult child out of prison and into a rehab and this time try to get him into a group hom in my city (which is what I had asked for and didn't get the last time) bla bla bla. Problem is MHMR won't serve inmates I remember that from the last time. It has to come from the PO's office and difficult child's case won't be transfered for about three months. So here I go again with no contact person to even get things in motion. I've called NAMI and they have no one in this area.

    husband has never learned the detachment with love concept and so has merely shut down entirely. (His heart wasn't that big to begin with so it isn't a huge feat). I cannot get husband to even concider any financial expense to try to help difficult child. As a result of my trying to open a dialoge on the subject we are no longer on speaking terms. husband didn't even call me to find out about court and didn't take my calls when I tried to call him. (He is away on business) It took me five hours to finally reach him.

    I am having trouble shaking this off. I had a good cry last night but am still very sad and droopy. I requested that difficult child be put on a sucide watch and think that it is probably in effect because he hasn't called me yet. -RM
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    No advice, really, just big hugs. It must be so much to absorb for you, and look like another long row to hoe. Give yourself the weekend to think about what's realistic and you can start on Monday. It will take them that long to process the paperwork, anyway.
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hi Witz, I will be leaving tomorrow for an out of town affair so I will have a weekend diversion and some breathing room. Thankfully it is a party and I do not have to "hang" with husband. He tends to be a bit of a butterfly at these things flitting around smoozing with the other guests. I usually end up helping my host out with the food and clean up. It is just my nature and I don't mind.

    difficult child just called about twenty minutes ago he is still crying AND they did not put him on suicide watch like I requested. If anything happens to him you will hear me roar clear around the globe! As I suspected he only heard the bit about 23 months he didn't hear that he was to go to a rehab and the rest. I tried to clarify it to him but the guard was breathing down his neck and timing him. He only had a 3 minute call. This is really burning me up. He is borderline retarded for crimy's sake. Can't they have a little compassion and understand that he cannot process this without help? It's not like they don't know he is at the same facility he spent two years at waiting to go to a group home.

    But you are right all I can do right now is let him know that I love him and that I will be pulling for him. I did say to the Po that I would be advocating for him because it is what I do.

    I said to her "because the system is broken and my son is not able to do everything you ask this is to be his life? In and out of prison because the rules are not quite understood. He believed he was in a program by going to AA and staying sober. He doesn't deserve this." She said that she specifically told him "in house and gave a regference. I told her that he had gone to them and they never followed through and that he is not able to do this sort of thing on his own. She replied that due to HIPPA no one would talk to me unless difficult child was declared incompetent and she didn't think he would qualify nor did she know how to get that done. And when I told her that he needed to be supervised she said that no county worker or program can supervise him all the time. difficult child had no concept of time restraints and was waiting to hear back. So in his mind he was doing what he was told and he just doesn't understand why they are so hard on him. And frankly neither do I. They have to know and understand that his mental illness makes it hard for him to hold a job etc. But yet that is made a criteria of his parole. He cannot manage money even after numerous interventions to teach him life skills but they leave that for him and penalize him when he fails. Can you say FRUSTRATION?
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I understand your frustration. difficult child went to see his probation officer today. He was supposed to be finished with the judicial system after this meeting. He has paid his fines, gone to school, did his community service---A month ago he had a major anxiety attack and depressive episode and dropped out of school. He moved back home. He told the PO today---she violated him. He goes before the judge next week. I don't know what will happen. One day at a time....
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, RM. :(

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm outraged. I'm irate. I'm sick. The "system" appears to be beyond repair and our children (and the children of countless others) suffer. I am so sorry and so sympathetic. DDD
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911



    I am outraged at his counsel. First of all IF you want to get back into this and try to figure something out?

    I would call the PD office and ask to speak to your PD's boss.
    I would tell him/her about the bathroom conversation in which she confessed to you she did not do her job and was not cut out for this - THAT ALONE is grounds for a re-trial on account of bad legal advice.
    I would write the judge that presided over the case and tell HIM of your son's PD's confession. And explain to him what you did to us. We can help you write the letter if you need it.

    I don't know how jail works - but no - not a lot of compassion. If you have any records or documents of your son being borderline retarded I would include those with your letter to the judge.

    Most police officers do not have CIT (crisis intervention training) to help them avert problems with the mentally ill. So that is one strike for your son. But the treatment he got in court? Absolutely ridiculous.

    On the other hand - I don't trust our legal /judicial system. My son is looking at 15 years and I'm just sick - I've called the PD and - no return call. I think she's a mouse. I'm a lion - it's not a good fit. Dude is an airhead in these matters so - in some ways I need to be heard for his sake.

    So I get where you are coming from.

    Then - you could look at it like - he's got shelter, food and a place that while it's not the best - it's better than being in the streets and using. Just the thought that I could type that makes my stomach turn - so forgive me. I'm trying to toughen up myself.

    Sending all the hugs I have and then some for your Mom heart.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You know, it's not just the judicial system and the mental health system that is broken, it's the state of the nation. It's greed.

    I was just watching the news, and Forbes came out with their list of "worst CEO's" this week. That's who made the most money for doing the worst job. Whosis who is in charge of Countrywide mortgage made 66 Million dollars a year, and his company's stock loses an average of 9% of it's value each year since he's been in charge. Exxon made it's second highest profit ever last quarter (yes, three months) of 10 billion dollars. But the stockholders didn't gain anything. The CEO of Sprint was fired last year and got a $40 million parting paycheck, $84,000 a month for life retirement beginning immediately, and assistance in finding a new job! Who the heck can even spend $66 million a year? Not that I wouldn't like to give it a try. Heck, I'd even get fired every year or so and let the whole world talk about what a lousy job I did just to give it a try.

    In 1980, the average CEO of a publicly owned corporation was compensated at 40% of the average salary of a regular worker in the company. In 2008 it's 433% the average worker's salary. I'd say that the tax breaks I got in the last decade hurt this country a lot less than the tax breaks they got. I don't mind paying taxes, but I think there's something wrong. Somehow I don't think Whosis is paying 25% of his $66 million in taxes, like I am of my lousy $800 a month disability check. And to be honest, I don't think anyone intends to fix it.

  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    RM, I'm so sorry this is happening to your difficult child.

    The system really is broken, and our difficult children are the ones who suffer most from it. To create "efficiencies" and "accountability", these agencies have defined processes for things that can't be process-driven. When each case is unique, and requires people to think, understand and make decisions, that's the wrong place for a process.

    Because of accountability, everyone is afraid to take a stand or make a decision because they will be held accountable for it. So, they either follow the rules by the book (which are process-driven rules, and therefore don't make sense anyway), or they refuse to do anything and pass it on to the next guy.

    And our children's lives are turned upside down in the process.

    As Witz said, Harumph!
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Everywoman, I am sorry for your son I will keep him in my prayers.

    Suz, Thank you for your compassion and support.

    DDD, I know that this hits very close to home for you. I think of you and your son often and continue to remember you and yours and the rest of my CD family in my prayers.

    Star, Po is transferring his case and right now she is my only contact. I'm not willing to rock the boat just yet. Be sure that I will if difficult child ends up sitting in jail for any undue amount of time. I am looking into a civil rights violation and have book marked the ACLU's website.

    Witz I hear you. MY husband is a PhD with over 36 years of experience. We are middle middle class live in a small city and pay about 45% of his salary to income, per capita, school, property, and sales tax. But because his gross is high we do not get to deduct our medical expenses which average about 20K per year. So our working salary is reduced to less than half of his gross per year. Out of what is left we pay for housing, utilities, cars, fuel, food clothing, etc. We own two houses both of which need many repairs and we are almost 60 years old and forced to do as much of the work ourselves as we can. what is depressing is that we are doing well by American standards.

    Trinity, Very well put. You are eloquent in your writting and your logic. I wish I could be as articulate I tend to get all worked up and my mind races ahead of my words. I wonder if I may quote you?
  11. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    RM, please feel free to quote me.

    Designing processes is what I do for a living, and it frustrates me terribly to see how they are misused by so many human services agencies. They seem to have no idea how much unnecessary frustration, misery and suffering they cause for the people trying to work their way through the maze.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    WELL _


    i just dont' know exactly what yet - so that I won't come off too nuts, and yet - I'm taken seriously and heard.

    I think this board has the power to come up with a way to re-write the mental health situation in the country - I really really do.

    I think we could become lobbyists - and change the world.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry. No wise words to share, but many hugs.


  14. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    All I can say is hugs and UGHS. What a system.

    Second hugs.

  15. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Am so sorry RM. The legal sysem just blows eggs (Can't use the other word cause I would be censored) I have seen PO's twist facts and re-write history to get what "they" think the outcome should be, judges orders for medications just blown off the minute the court door close. There is nothing but punitive measures for kids with mental health issues. Once they are in the system, they are pretty much deemed useless to society and every string or trick is pulled to keep them out of the population in general. And I am not even going to get started on the police who, if you have a kid that has been in trouble, anything that goes down they are at your house first even it your kid is not even remotely connected.

    I don't know what the answer is in getting mental health issues and legal issues to work in conjunction with a positive end result, but I do know the current answer is so not working well with some of our kids.

  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I hardly even know what to say. It really is not fair. I am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart.

    Sending you a basket of hugs.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending more hugs today.

  18. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Hope it can get straightened out, the system is so broken......don't know what to say, but hope you can find the right people to advocate for your son..... good luck to you and him......
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Star and Marcie Mack, I agree if all the members of this board could somehow get others to deal with the everyday and the crisis issues of caring for and advocating for their children while they lobbied we might be able to make a difference. The problem is that we cannot find others to take over the trenches and provide adequately for the needs of our mentally ill family members while we expend our energies in grander ways trying to change the system. There just isn't enough of US to go around. And when we do have down time because our kids are institutionalized, hospitalized, in program etc. we are usually exhausted by the events that lead to that situation and in need of R&R ourselves. I do speak of the problems of the system to anyone with a willing ear and a little time. Hopefully our message will reach the right ears eventually and the changes will be put into motion.

    Susiestar, Abbey, BBk, whymemom, thank you for your sentiments and all the hugs. It helps to know that there are sympathetic and understanding folks out there.
  20. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    RM .. you are right, maybe somehow some of us can write a book.. Most of the rest of the world stands in judgement of our difficult children and our parenting.. Thye "Sytem" doesnt even understand.... though they claim that they are child advocates..... So many time my H and I were blown out of the water by the "Sytem".
    So few people GET IT!!!
    I just wanted to send you some hugs and some kudos... actually I wrote a long response to your post yesterday and cannot find it now...
    I use the computer here at work.. so God only knows what could have happened!