Progress on pending arrest

[Mattsmom277]

Hi all. Haven't been around much. Been trying to spend time focusing on family, helping S/O decide his job future and just generally move on a bit from the investigation into my bio-father. I did however want to update you all on it since you've been so wonderful since this has all unfolded in my world.

There is one more person left to have their statement done on video, and at that point the entire case is going to the crown attorney's office in the town where I lived for a year as a teen with him. There are however 5 separate cities altogether that will have warrants for crimes in their areas. The town I mentioned is going to lay it all out on the table, all of the many many charges for each individual city, some cities having more than one victim and some victims having several charges in their own right. They will give him the option of facing charges separately in the 5 cities, or volunteering to have it go to the town where I lived with him, all held in the same place. The odds are much better that he'd be advised by a lawyer to take them all together. Then there will at some point be a plea offer, but given the long litany of charges, even with a plea I can't imagine it being any kind of sweetheart deal (in other words, I still can envision a lengthy sentence).

So it is possible this could take place in the next couple of weeks, or even sooner depending how long it takes to track down the one person they are waiting on to get the statement. (She is avoiding them I believe, canceled her appointment this past week with vague excuse) I don't believe she will offer anything anyhow as she's in protect my father mode (one of his sisters).

More women may come forward once seeing his name publicized, we don't know. And the investigator still believes she knows of several of suspected women, and these people could come into play with more charges at any point. It might even delay the initial laying of charges, but that's okay if it means another woman or more women come forward. They won't charge him until they feel they have the most cases they can afford to wait to put together, ready to go. Then they're throwing it all at him at once. Oh to be a fly on the wall that day!!!

I have removed and blocked the toxic members of his family from online social networking, it was the only means some of htese people used to stay in touch with me and they have not been family-like nor even kind most of the time. I can't see their stuff now, they can't see mine, and I'm much happier this way. There is a delightful group left that I do feel connected to and very blessed to have come into my life. My one aunt is a treasure and I'm planning to spend a few days with her alone at her cottage this summer which will be a totally new experience for us and sounds like tons of fun.

My baby sister is still unable to contact me, as per her mothers instructions. I am working hard to squash my feelings on this subject, it is raw and hurts too much to allow myself to focus on much. I hold onto the fact that she's smart, she knows how much I love her and we've bonded now, and in 5-6 years she'll be an adult and I believe we will reconnect when she is independent. I worry about her but I am having to keep my mind focused on healthy things right now to remain emotionally stable with all that is going on.

I haven't had any further information about my cousin who could potentially be my older sister. She is 1 of 3 girls, and 2 of them are in touch with me via facebook. Her and her middle sister. While she hasn't said much of anything tome, she did add me. Her sister however messaged me and was very kind, open, welcoming and pleasant. She explained that her and the other 2 of her sisters only learned recently that my father was even married to my mother at one point and had me and my brother. They didnt know he had children. So if the other one IS my sister, she didn't know I existed until very recently, and she still may not know that there is a question of her parentage. Her pictures show a resemblance to her 2 sisters. Yet oddly she does look far more like me and my baby sister than her 2 sisters. That could be because our father are brothers, but there is a very uncannily strong resemblance between her and I. I think it's great to meet 3 cousins my age, who seem eager to get together this summer. And if one turns out to be a sister and the truth comes out, that's okay too. This entire part of the story I'm living in for some reason doesn't phase me at all. I would be delighted to have an older sister but I'm still delighted to meet the 3 women as cousins and looking forward to knowing them. They seem very likable.

I'm going to continue to stay busy the next few weeks until he is arrested and some progress is made. It helps to be busy and doing upbeat things to keep the focus off this entire situation. It can be so overwhelming with so many emotions that it was too hard to balance when I focused much on it all. Too many raw emotions if you know what I mean. I think it's much more sensible for me to have my moments when I need them, but just keep moving on and refuse to let him rob anything more from my life, not even a day spent distraught or caught up in his sick world.

Thank you all again for being so wonderful through all of this. It's beginning to take on a surreal feeling this entire sequences of events. Its like watching it in a movie or on one of those talk shows on television or something. Like something in a fictional novel that doesn't happen to real people, to real families, yet here I am living it all. It feels beyond surreal actually. I wonder if its normal to be so adept at being able to "decide" to compartmentalize that you can be completely removed from something that previously was eating you right up. Kind of spooky how our minds work to protect ourselves.

 

[witzend]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[TerryJ2]

Very good! You've done well! I am so glad you blocked everyone on FB and you are spending time with-the nice aunt this summer. Way To Go!
My heart breaks for your little sister. She'll get there. Some day. You did, after all.
Many hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

I'm going to continue to stay busy the next few weeks until he is arrested and some progress is made. It helps to be busy and doing upbeat things to keep the focus off this entire situation. It can be so overwhelming with so many emotions that it was too hard to balance when I focused much on it all. Too many raw emotions if you know what I mean. I think it's much more sensible for me to have my moments when I need them, but just keep moving on and refuse to let him rob anything more from my life, not even a day spent distraught or caught up in his sick world.

Perfect way to handle it. You're not avoiding or stuffing the emotions, but not allowing them to consume you either. Wonderful.

I wonder if its normal to be so adept at being able to "decide" to compartmentalize that you can be completely removed from something that previously was eating you right up. Kind of spooky how our minds work to protect ourselves.

This is something I've found I have in common with other abuse victims whom I've met and talked to over the many years. It seems to be a survival mechanism learned via the abuse in order to deal with it and keep on living your life. Problems arise when the person compartmentalizes to the point where they either consciously or subconsciously won't allow themselves to deal with what's there.

This something I do with most crisis situations. It's like I place the crisis in a box........then when I can't handle it, it gets put over there in a corner and I go on doing every day stuff or happy things, then when I need to I take it out of the corner and deal with it. Currently doing that with katie. I can't speak for others, but it helps keep me sane. lol

You've done so well with this. You have much to be proud of. And the other victims have much to be proud of. You're right about your lil sis. At the moment she's following Mom's orders, but she's bright. You'll be reunited with her again.

Hugs

 

[DDD]

I'm sure you know that my most caring supportive thoughts remain with you. Resolution to this issue should free a new part of you for healthy living. Fingers crossed it is expedited and not too painful. Hugs. DDD

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thank you all. I've decided that I'm going to choose a day next weekend when easy child is at her dad's, and tackle my emotions head on via preparing my victim impact statement. I know it will be required and will help with sentencing but also will help me so I want it done right. I have a feeling it will come out more helpfully and be more theraputic if I don't wait until it's all going down at once with all kinds of information coming at me about the depth of charges and new revelations about the unknown victims that have come forward. When it all happens, charges come, I'll be learning about these other women and I can't imagine it won't be emotional in and of itself. To get the most release from the statement I need to write, I'm going to do it before he is arrested and before all the new information comes at me and perhaps has me overwhelmed. Until that day next weekend, I'm going to just keep focused on helping S/O with his work efforts, get my canning started which I much enjoy etc.

My cousin called out the blue to ask to come by last night with her b/f to play euchre. When she came in she gave me a huge hug and a look passed from her to me. Without words I completely understood her message, telling me she's glad her part of giving a statement is over, that she is hugely relieved to have gone through with it and is proud of herself and of me. It felt good to see a peace in her, a huge release in her. She's more a sister to me than a cousin, we've been through a lot together. I'm incredibly proud of her and so happy to see her less burdened. It was a reminder of why this is so important and why I was pushing and put myself in the middle of this all to get it started. It was a good moment.

 

[HaoZi]

I'm glad things are coming together and moving forward. On the cousin/possible sister thing, if she hasn't said anything she might be happier not even considering the possibility.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Haozi, on the cousin/sister thing, I completely agree. To me, I think of her as a new cousin and am looking forward to meeting all 3 of them this summer for a few hours together. IF she knows or finds out, and IF she reaches out to me, I'd be happy to respond in keeping with how she is feeling about it. If she doesn't know and/or never finds out but it becomes confirmed fact to me somehow, I'd never dream of saying a thing or treating her differently than her sisters, I wouldn't want to alert her to feeling closer to her than the other 2. If she knows or finds out and wants to disregard the information, that's okay too. After more family talk, I'm fairly certain that she is indeed my sister. I feel quite okay about it, the biggest thing I think about re: her, is how knowing her parentage might have affected her or could in the future if she doesn't know and learns the facts. I can't imagine. If she knows or learns about it, however she needs to cope is completely going to be respected by me. On the slim chance she knows or learns about it and is interested in a closer relationship and acknowledging our "sisterhood" I'd be very receptive. It is different from my baby sister though. With my baby sister, there was never doubt and I craved for her in my life in ways that made all the absent years not knowing her very sad for me and difficult. This woman is a entirely different kettle of fish so to speak. My heart does break for her mother because regardless of if it is true that this woman is my sister or not, there is no doubt that her mother was raped by my father. If she then went on to give birth to a child from that experience, for both of them I cannot put myself in their place. It's so difficult to picture without knowing what that would feel like. I do have more suspicion that she does know and has decided to act like all is "status quo". I could be wrong but some facts add alot of weight to the idea she may well be aware. I wouldn't blame her a wit for choosing to just keep living her regular life and not at all want to know other "sisters" etc.

 

[HaoZi]

I can't even contemplate it all. I've known people who went through similar things, but the scale of this is just OMW in comparison. I can't say how impressed I am that you've not only kept it together but have pushed it until police have had to take notice and action.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thanks Haozi. I've spoken with S/O and some family members about the same thing. This feeling that these things happen on t.v or in books or in "other people's families". It is what I mean by the feeling of it being sort of "surreal". It feels impossible to be unfolding in my life and family to this extent. It is beyond what I imagined all these many years when wondering who else he hurt, what else he has done. My mind basically feels incapable of comprehending the vast scale, and I end up feeling sort of separate or something, as if I'm watching it unfold on a program and not in my own life. I never knew the scope of the can of worms being opened up when I got the momentum going with the police and crown attorneys office. It truly boggles the mind.

 

[susiestar]

It is awesome that it has gotten this much momentum this fast. I had no idea things could go this fast in law enforcement. Here in the US it can take months at a minimum to years to get to where this case is from the time they get the first deposition/interview with a victim. Your hard work has paid off and I am glad that you are seeing real progress. I hope they give him the worst, longest punishment that they can give out.

Going through things and getting your impact statement together next weekend sounds like a very wise plan. It would be easy to push it aside and not cope wtih the emotions until you had to, but by doing it now you are giving yourself a chance to process emotions while you have the time and space and peace to truly handle them. It will also greatly relieve stress from you at the time of a trial if one occurs. Plus you will have time to add or change the statement after letting it sit for a while - a way to make sure it is truly what you want to say and how you want to say it.

Have you ever considered writing a book about this using fake names of course? It might be a way to make money to start a fund to help the survivors of his attacks. Or to work for increasing awareness and helping others speak out. Maybe you would work with a published true crime writer or journalist if you didn't want to or couldn't do it yourself? Cases like these usually end up with a fair amount of press and it could be a way to fight what he has done to destroy people even more. Of course it is just an idea, and not something to go into lightly.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[Mattsmom277]

It is picking up steam quite quickly. Although even when charges are laid, investigations continue, facts continue to be collected etc. If he doesn't take a plea deal and chooses trials, it is going to be a very long time to progress to a trial date I'm sure. I do hope he takes a plea to be honest.

I've had a few people mention writing a book or article or something. I just wouldn't have a clue how to do that, or how to start it and write it, and as much as I'm a avid reader I am not a writer. I'm best on the side of reading pages. I have however been considering that once this is all finished in its entirety perhaps participating in some community things such as maybe speaking at Take Back The Night (do you all have that in the U.S.?) or local International Women's Day events. I've done so in the past, although not on this topic, and it as a experience that made me feel empowered as well as feel I was empowering women.