Really need advice...

[toughlovin]

PG,

I agree with all that Nancy said, especially about what your difficult child should do. Unfortunately as we all know you have absolutely no control over the decisions she makes and what she does. There is nothing you can do that can make her do the right things.

I do think however it is time for you and your husband to sit down and really talk about your feelings about all this and what you are willing and can do if certain things come to pass. I totally understand about not wanting to raise another child as I feel exactly the same way.... and I also understand the turmoil it would be to see a grandchild taken by CPS and given to foster care. I think that is a potential possibility in this case unless your difficult child gets her act together. So ultimately you and husband need to figure out and make sure you are on the same page if this comes to pass. Are you willing to take this grandchild in and raise him or her if your difficult child cannot do it?

I think it is important for you and husband to get on the same page on this issue.... as whatever happens you dont want this to become between the two of you.

I am not sure what I would do either if I was in that situation... and I am not sure where my husband would stand either. I do know we would need to really think about this and it would help if we thought about it before hand.... and hopefully it will be a moot point because your difficult child gets it together.

TL

 

[Nancy]

I couldn't agree more with what TL said. It's imperative that you and your husband are on the same page on this issue and that you are at peace with that decision and support each other. My husband and I talked about this possibility many times ever since difficult child became sexually active. We knew exactly what we would support and what we wouldn't, what help we would give and what advice we would offer. We hoped and prayed that day would never come and we did everything in our power to ensure that including taking her to dr appointments and paying for her birth control for years. But we coudn't force her to use it and of course the inevitable happened. Because we had prepared ourselves for that possibility there was no hesitation on our part when faced with the news. We told difficult child what we would and would not support and made it clear to her that it was not an option for us to raise this child or provide financial assistance. We tried to explain to her what the future would hold for her and the baby and we offered her counseling to help in making the decision.

And then we backed out of her life, telling her that it was her decision and that whatever she chose it had to be hers. We had no contact with her for about a month, none. No calls, no texts, no checking up on her, nothing. We were sick with concern but ready to walk away. You may think we are cold hearted but you also have to understand what we had been through for most of her life and we were not willing to put ourselves or our other daughter through any more.

I am a strong believer that young people need to understand the ramifications of their decisions to bring another living person into this world. If they cannot take care of themselves they certainly cannot take care of a baby and to expect anyone else to step into that role is just not facing their responsibility.

Our difficult child did go for counseling twice, on her own. She finally came to us and asked for the help we offered.

Please make sure you and husband know what you can live with and let her know and then stop rescuing her.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I couldn't agree more! Here is an email I typed up to her this morning. Can you please read it and let me know if I am okay on this? I have too many emotions involved. I feel it is better to send an email so she will read it. If I try talking to her on the phone about it, it may turn into an argument and get nowhere..

Hi Honey –

There is a place in xxx that I really hope you willbe willing to go to. You can make an appointment to go talk to someone that is notinvolved in the situation. I think you really, really need to think about thisand what your options are.

You need to know that dad and I are not going to raise morechildren.

We will not feed, clothe and put diapers on the baby. Wewill not be financially responsible.

What we can offer is love and advice.

I also want you to really think realistically about all ofthis. I am sure the idea of having a family is wonderful. It is wonderful! AndI will be very excited to have grandchildren!! But the truth is that you are bothin fact homeless, neither of you is looking for a job and so you have no way tofeed, clothe and put diapers on a baby. It certainly would not be fair to raiseyour child in a dirty motel room. The life that you are both living right nowis no way right for a baby and I am sorry, I don’t see either of you doinganything to change it. All you two do is fight. I promise you if this is theenvironment that you end up having the child in, the child will most likely betaken away from you and put into foster care. I don’t think you want that,either. It would be truly heartbreaking for everyone, because like I said, weare done raising children. L

I’m not saying this to “stress” you out or make you feelbad. I only want you to really think about what you are doing and be confidentin your decision. Like I said, I will support you in whatever decision you make– it is YOUR decision to make. I also know you do not have a lot of time tomake your decision so I would like you to be as informed and educated on it aspossible. These people will tell you ALL of your options, let you know abouthelp and programs available and be there to talk to. Please call and make an appointment.It is right there in xxx.

I love you so very much!

http://www.choicespregnancy.org/about-us

Love,

Mommy

 

[Nancy]

PG I think that is a wonderful email. The only thing I would add is that you will pick her up and take her to the counseling if she wants. We offered that to our difficult child and she was grateful.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG I think that is a wonderful email. The only thing I would add is that you will pick her up and take her to the counseling if she wants. We offered that to our difficult child and she was grateful.

Good idea - added. Thanks!! I think this will make me feel better and then I, like you did, need to back away and let them think about and make their decision...I don't think they will terminate the pregnancy but at least she knows that we will not raise another child. That has always been our position. Always. If anything, as wrong as it may be, I would probably pay for her and the baby to live somewhere close by before that would happen...but I wouldn't tell her that!

 

[toughlovin]

I think it is a good email. She may not like or want to hear what you have to say.... but you have stated your position clearly and offered her love and support. If she cant hear it now then so be it.... but the info is there when she is ready for it. And I think offering her an outside resource is really important both for her and for you.

TL

 

[recoveringenabler]

It's a loving email with strong boundaries, good job. You've gotten wonderful advice from other wise mom's who've been there done that. I hope I didn't make it harder for you, my situation was different because my difficult child was older and not a substance abuser, I was just trying to point out some points for you to consider. The other mom's are in your shoes and are more aware of all of the issues, they would be more clear on how to proceed.........(((HUGS)))

 

[rejectedmom]

I think you are doinng a great job. You are being thoughtful and honest and very clear in what you will and will not do. Your difficult child may test you but as long as you stand firm in your decisions she will learn that you mean what you say. My heart breaks for you. This is all so very worisome.

Her bm was in much the same position as your difficult child although I don't believe she was using drugs but I do know she was an alocholic who had been in treatment and did drink while she was pregnant. Our difficult child did not deserve the baggage that she was born with and forced to carry throughout her life. As much as my husband and I tried to undo the harm caused we could not. She just told me the other day that every day she thinks of at least three different ways she can die. She is tormented in so many ways. She is not happy and has no peace and it breaks our heart. We gave her a loving stable environment and anything she could want and every opportunity available yet she did not have the genetic makeup to take advantage of any of it. She could not overcome what she was born with. She continues to make poor choice after poor choice. There is a good possibility she will end up living on the street at some point. husband and I are not young and we will not be here to rescue her, nor do we want to play that role anymore. We are tired and worn out and our hearts cannot stand further heartbreak.
​

Nancy I so understand. Our life and experiences with our difficult child's are so very similar. I agree that it isn't thier fault that they were born so disadvantaged. I also agree that 20+ years of heartbreak leaves us depleated and in need of rest. It was so hard to turn my adult difficult child over to the system but I just could not do it anymore. It is sad that he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again and suffering as a result but I did everything I could for him. I love him with my whole heart but I do not want to parent another difficult child. Unfortunately is is almost ((86%) a given that any of his offspring will have similar problems due to the cromosome abnormalities he will pass down. He is just like his BioF. even though he was raise so much better with so many interventions. But it did take a lot for me to say "uncle". It took even more for me to loose the guilt of saying it. So many hugs for PG, you and all of us here who are dealing with such heartbreaking situations. -RM

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you everyone - all of you!! You are all such an enormous help to me...you have no idea!

Email sent and now I wait...

 

[Kathy813]

Wewill not be financially responsible.

And yet, you say in a later post you would pay for a place for her and the child to live. One thing that I have finally learned thanks to our sessions with the interventionist we hired and working with the family therapist at the treatment center is to absolutely not say anything that you can't or won't stick to later. My husband and I were really bad at that and our difficult child took advantage of that and it led to her always pushing the boundaries.

PG, I haven't posted because I have had a hard time with this thread. I don't see any way that bringing a baby into this situation could be considered a blessing or a good thing. I truly understand what you are going through . . . more than you know. My difficult child got pregnant three years ago and we faced a similar situation. We flat out told her that we were not raising another child and not financially supporting her while she raised a child. I've never posted this before but my difficult child ended up terminating the pregnancy and I believe it was the only rational choice she could have made.

She mentioned recently that she wished she had had the baby because it might have turned her around. I asked her why there were so many children in foster care with drug addicts for a mother if having a baby was all it took to "turn things around." She didn't have an answer.

Please know that I have posted this because I care about you and don't want to see you get dragged into this situation. If you start paying for a place for her to live then you will be financially supporting her and the next thing you know you will be raising that child. Even worse . . . what about the next pregnancy, and the next . . .

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

I'm a bit worried about the paying for her living near you also because that is rescuing her. Is your husband agreeable to that? If she has any inkling that you are considering this it gives her the out she wants. She does not have to take total responsibility for this baby like she should and her decision will certainly be clouded by that. I agree you will end up raising this child even though you are saying you won't. I just think it's important that you realize what your saying to her and what you are saying to yourself are not the same.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I have never ever said to her that I would do anything....no fears there. I am much smarter than that. The email I copied here is exactly what I sent and of course, there has been no response.

Honestly, I am sure the situation would be a lot different if it was not a baby with someone that she is in love with and has been with for over a year. She always said she would never, ever have children. She has always said that if it ever happened, she would terminate it. But because she is in a relationship with someone that does love her and is thrilled with the pregnancy, I really do not think she will terminate it. And I am sorry, regardless of anyone's feelings on the matter, I would never tell her to do that. I am pro choice, but I know there are emotional side effects as well and I do struggle with the idea to be honest. But regardless, not my choice to make. I am adamant about that. I can only give her my opinion and guide her to talk to someone.

Regardless of the situation, it is her decision and really has nothing to do with me. I have made it clear that we will not raise or support a child and now the rest is on her. All I can do now is pray that she makes a decision that she can live with...

 

[DDD]

I think you are using good analytical skills in responding to the situation. I did not choose that route and as much as I love my grandsons I do often wonder if the sacrafices were appropriate. Bottom line, I think, is how comfortable you are with the projections of the future. I felt that my choices were "right" at the time. I totally and sincerely hope that the problems get resolved and everyone feels at peace. DDD

 

[Signorina]

I think you have gotten so many wonderful words of wisdom here. Please know that there are no judgments in any of the advice you've received- I think all of us struggle with wanting to acknowledge and seek the joy in a blossoming life yet at the same time knowing it's the wrong time and the wrong situation.

All of us hope and pray that this pregnancy is the magic dust that will turn your daughter's life around. And sure; we've known or seen or experienced ourselves the power of a baby to turn self centered immature youngsters into wonderful caring adults.

Kathy's post struck me very hard:

Because it made me realize that "turning its mother around" is an awful lot of responsibility to put on a fragile new life. And isn't it just like a difficult child to vest responsibility on a baby? I mean- it's the opposite that's true- it's the parents responsibility to turn the life of one's child around. Heck, our sisterhood is living proof of that. That's why we're here, why we haven't written our difficult children off. Why we hope and pray and try everything we can to "fix" our difficult children.

My much wanted baby boys were born into beautifully decorated nurseries, with 2 loving parents, swing sets and safety gates. And they brought this mama to her knees in desperation. They each rocked my marriage to its core. (One still does) I haven't done anything purely selfish since I got that + pg test in july 1991. My boys were wonderful babies, healthy, good eaters, good sleepers and I loved them unconditionally from their first breath with all of my being. Yet I vividly remember lots of moments looking around the chaos of parenthood with a newborn in my arms and thinking "what the heck have we done? WHAT WERE WE THINKING when we decided to try for a(nother) baby?" I remember screaming in jealousy at my husband because he got to drive to work alone in the car.

And I know my words above are not something you can express to a woman contemplating parenthood. She wouldn't believe you. And even I forgot long enough to want baby #2,#3, and even want a #4! (Not meant to be) but maybe you can try. Maybe you can insist she take parenting classes, spend some time with babies around. Show her a graphic delivery movie (j/k!) I'm not suggesting you try to sway her decision, but I am suggesting you give her a dose of reality and remind her that you are passing the torch, and your responsibility to her has now become her responsibility to her own self AND a mandate that she provide the same for her baby. Becoming a mom is the official end of the line as far as being dependent on one's own parents and frankly it's the end of her youth. If you are going to give her anything, try to give her the reality of motherhood.

I am sorry if I overstepped. And I know how tormented you feel and I ache for you.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

All of the advice is much, much appreciated. Believe me. I agree with you all wholeheartedly. I do not think anyone overstepped. Not here - this is why we are here - honest to goodness truth and advice. As much as I had a little glimpse of excitement over a baby, I do know it is a disaster waiting to happen. They cannot take care of themselves and at least when I got pregnant with difficult child, I was already taking care of myself. Sure, I had a cocaine problem at the time, but I was working and had my own apartment. Once I found out I was pregnant and the baby daddy wanted me to get an abortion, I moved in with my mother and was a single parent until I met husband. It was not easy but I pulled up my boot straps and did what needed to be done. My son was planned and it was still hard. These two are in no way ready for a baby. Sure, he is 34, but emotionally - probably more in his early twenties. And her - ha. Never even held a real job for a week...

I have told them over and over what my advice was - what I think they needed to do. They didn't want to hear it. I sent an email to her with a link to talk to someone. She hasn't responded nor has she called the place. I honestly don't think there is anything else I can do and time is sure running out. She is two months this week.

As much as I wish I could, I highly doubt I can show up at their motel room and get difficult child to go to a parenting class or anywhere for that matter. I tried talking her into going back to the program. She argued that she was not using. I tried telling her it was not just for substance abuse, but close to places to work, the bus line, a kitchen to cook healthy foods to eat, etc. Nope. Wants nothing to do with anything but being with baby daddy.

I think at this point, I may need to contact the department of family services and see what I can do there...