Really need some imediate help here folks please!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rbakers, Dec 8, 2009.

  1. rbakers

    rbakers New Member

    Last night difficult child 2 tried to start a physical fight with dad. He almost had him engaged and the dad walked away and said he was calling the police. I thought he did. He didnt unfortunatley. Now my hubby says hes leaving and that I must enjoy living this way. Meaning the threats, the bullying the torment. He does not get into trouble at school, its just home. The only medication he will take is the focalin for adhd he is now 16. Someone posted a thread about sick and tired of it all. That is where we are. The trouble is he is big now and pushing it. I think he has pushed to far this time. I dont know what to do or how to get relief from this. Please send help.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is this your daughter's biological father? After all, she is his responsibility too.

    Also, in two years, when she turns eighteen, she will become her own responsibility.

    What kind of help is it that you want from us? I had a difficult teen. By sixteen there was little I could do because she managed to undo everything we tried and no mental health person would help her without her consent.

    A few things helped a bit: We never paid for her car insurance or gas so she had to work, and she did. In spite of taking drugs, she did a good job at work too. Go figure. (Is your child drinking or taking drugs? Usually they only own up to pot, so, if she says pot, consider that it may be more).

    Another thing we did was homeschool her to minimize her contact with her peers. That only helped a tad. She managed to get out of the house when we were sleeping.

    There are RTCs but I don't know if they will take her at her age unless it is court ordered.

    I'm sorry I couldn't help more. Others will come along.

    By the way, to give you hope, my daughter is 25 and hasn't been a problem for a long time. She's a good young adult and productive.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Do you mean difficult child 3?
    Violence is not acceptable - in any home, by any family member. I think it is time to find him more help and a different place to live. Perhaps a foster home or Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We definately understand how the stress of living with a difficult child can bring havoc to a household and affect everyone in different and negative ways.

    If your son is only taking medications for adhd, but has a diagnosis of odd, BiPolar (BP) and anxiety, it's apparent that he is not stable. The adhd medications could be contributing to his aggressive behavior. At 14, we do want our kids to have some sort of say and responsibility for their issues. After all, we are trying to raise our children to survive, get along and succeed without us. However, BiPolar (BP) is a diagnosis that requires stabilization before you can make any progress. Does he see a therapist or psychiatrist regularly? It is not unusual for a kid to have trouble at home and not at school or visa-versa.

    Perhaps you need to keep a journal of his behavior at home - what is setting him off, what time of the day, how often, etc., to see if there is a pattern. Perhaps keep your video camera or phone handy so that when it escalates, you can film it. It would be a good help to the doctor and might also be an eye opener for your son.

    I'm sorry that your husband has reached his limit.

  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Would your husband agree to family counseling to make a plan for difficult child 3? Maybe addressing medications and diagnostic issues, the violence, and alternate housing options?

    I'm sorry you had to find us. Hugs and best wishes.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I think you meant difficult child 3, since you said "he," right?

    I understand your husband's feeling. I've felt that way myself. I want my husband to react more strongly. It has taken yrs for him to come up to bat.

    Counseling has helped. Medication has helped.

    Physical engagements never work unless the kids are small and you can whale them straight into their rooms, LOL! But the knock-down, drag-out type is very bad. These kids are so provocative, they can provoke Mother Teresa right out of the grave. And they raise their own levels of adrenaline to where they can no longer control themselves.

    We can't help them moderate their emotions if we're in there, doing battle right with them.

    So when your husband is calm, call him up and agree to meet him for coffee. Alone, just the two of you. Let him talk and talk and talk. Don't be defensive. Try not to cry. Just let him get it out of his system.

    I don't know your original situation--whether this is a stepchild or what--and that could be a factor. If it is, you are in good company. This is a common issue, even with-regular discipline when the kids are not g'sfg.
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    As others have said, violence is never a good thing. The next time he does this don't wait on or assume someone else has called the police. Do it yourself. Be sure to tell them what difficult child's diagnosis is. Tell them that you don't believe he is stable and he needs to be transported to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. If nothing else, you can get him admitted under a 72 hour hold as a danger to others. Then call the psychiatrist and tell him/her what's going on. Granted, medications that are the right combo and dosage get our difficult child's where they need to be to do the rest themselves but this doesn't sound anywhere near to that. Demand, request, whatever it takes, to get the doctor to do something. End of your rope tears have been known to move mountains around here also.

    Until then, tell difficult child that you will not tolerate violence in your house. Dad may not have followed through with calling the cops but YOU will. Make sure you always have your cell phone on you or some way of calling and ensure you have a safe place to go in your house or out in case you need it. (same with others in the house.)

  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sure your nerves are shot under these circumstances and I can't offer better advice than the others have given. I wish I could.

    I will throw out one thing, though- I have heard from some parents of teen boys ITRW that it is typical for teen boys to go thru a stage of wanting to challenge or fight their father. Apparentlyy, they are unconsciously trying to be accepted (or viewed-) as a man instead of a boy by their father when they do this. I heard a couple of fathers say they solved the problem by arm wrestling or something else physical that wasn't really a fist fight and letting the teen win, bragging how strong he was, and so forth- without giving up the role as "parent".

    With your son being a difficult child, there's probably a lot more behind it than just trying to find his right of passage into manhood- or maybe it's that turned into "difficult child-ness".
  9. rbakers

    rbakers New Member

    thanks all. yes, I was refering to difficult child 3. he does great at school and all the teachers comment on wonderful my child is. (I look at them like they have lost their mind) He plays sports and gets good grades. So I dont think there is a drug thing. He is pretty consious about his body and his health. I was afraid to call the cops because I didnt want him to go to jail. I didnt know if told them about his diagnosis that it would make any difference. I use to be such a warrior mom, now Im just a worn mom. I think the teen boy thing has alot to do with it, but geez. We went through this with the older one, but not to this degree. I will have cell phone handy to call cops next time.
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You can speak with the police in advance and find out what their procedures are for a psychiatric transport when the child is being violent.
  11. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Two thoughts: First, if husband is difficult child's father rather than step-father, the response seems incredibly inappropriate to me. He's really talking about just dropping the responsibility completely on you? Why would he think this would be okay?

    Second, whether he is father or step-father, what about asking him what he would suggest to solve the issues? Tell him you are open to any and all suggestions, and then listen to what he says?
  12. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Man, have I been there, done that with-my difficult child 2. He was not bipolar but has suffered for years with anxiety (five inpatient hospitalizations, the last one a year ago for six weeks), mild depression and ODD. His anxiety took the form of physical aggression toward me and our younger daughter. When I left his dad I took the girls with me because I knew he wouldn't cooperate with me in any shape or form. And, like your son, his teachers adored him, he had friends, other parents marveled at what a good kid he was. Played sports, although he would often become anxious about performing in front of others.

    About calling the cops: only threaten to do it if you're going to do it. I've done it twice. First time it was to get my kid transported to a hospital (they ended up not admitting him) after he struck me in the back at age 13. It was part of a "safety plan" cooked up by his incompetent psychiatrist to get him admitted to a hospital and then to long term Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Well, all I got for my trouble was attitude from the cops. It was very traumatic and embarrassing. And the hospital said he didn't meet the criteria for admittance. Second time was a year ago when he knocked over my big tv and broke it, then started trashing my house. He ran away before the police officer arrived but he was arrested later at his dad's house and went to court. Got court-ordered probation, placed in a hospital for detox from weed (he was smoking three times a day at that point) and when he came home got home instruction from the school district so he wouldn't be with the peers that he often did drugs with.

    So, bottom line, safety for yourself and any other people in the home (particularly minor children, I nearly lost custody of my youngest because I wasn't vigilant enough about keeping difficult child 2 away from her when he was raging) is paramount, and you have to have a plan.

    sounds like you need to get the diagnosis/medications part straightened out. If a child is possibly bipolar, no behavior management in the world will help until the brain chemistry is stabilized. None of my kids are on medications right now. Could they benefit? Probably, but at age 16 and 19, if they aren't cooperative re: taking it, you are wasting your time and energy. Like an earlier poster said, kids this age are great at undoing everything you are trying.

    None of this helps a marriage. Mine didn't end because of my kids' significant problems (ten hospitalizations between the two older ones in six years, drug and alcohol use, theft and damage of my personal belongings, physical assaults,etc.), rather, the toxic marriage worsened the inherited tendencies towards mood disorders. There is a lot of alcohol abuse on my side of the family, and severe depression on my ex's side.

    I wish you the best, keep coming back here. More will be along later to help and put their two cents in.

    One thing I can tell you as a veteran of the troubled teen wars, is that if you and your husband are going to parent your son together, you must be on the same page. My kids have elevated playing my ex and I against each other to high art.