Relief at finding a site like this, does my situation fit?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Appleseed, Dec 8, 2012.

  1. Appleseed

    Appleseed New Member

    I'm 30 weeks pregnant with my new partner (of 2.5 years). The issue relates to his 10 y/o son. My partner and his ex wife had a troubled marriage and seperated more than once before finally ending the marriage 3 years ago. She is controlling and manipulative, abuses my partner financially and expecting him to behave as a husband for all the conveniences without actually being a relationship (like fixing things, driving the kids about, being around to give extra money, being dictated to about giving her money for gifts rather than buying for the children himself and she even expected him to spend Xmas day with them and her parents this year! and she's an alcoholic who begins drinking before the kids are in bed and is usually incoherent by 7pm. - I mention this all as it may have bearing on the son.

    My partner has two children from his marriage, we do not live together, our pregnancy is accidental and is possibly the only thing holding us together. Our relationship was particularly in trouble because of how things revolve around his son. However, he has low self esteem which I feel are from childhood issues and his marriage, so it's far from plain sailing. I've known him 20 years - out of touch during his marriage though.

    I recognise these issues could partially relate to my partners troubled marriage and me being perceived as the wicked stepmother, but I wonder if there's more to it.

    During our time together his son has stolen from me, tried to possibly drown my two daughters (holding them under water), hurt them physically, walked in on them in the bathroom intentionally on multiple occasions despite warnings, lied to all of us, exposed himself to urinate in inappropriate places, shone red lasers in my daughters eyes just moment after been told about the safety issues around this, worked to undermine decisions we've made together as adults - and succeeded, climbed out of various windows in my home and on holiday on multiple occasions, trapped my daughters in a room and locked them in, thrown stones, induced my children to lie to me to cover his behaviours, lied about being in pain even to the point of taking medication in order to keep his father from being alone in a room with me, had hugely manipulative tantrums screaming that his father doesn't love him and sobbing hysterically until he is the sole point of attention and then maintaining lower level behaviours to keep the attention - several times and for several hours, demonstrated highly risky physical behaviours in front of his sister and my daughters in terms of climbing and running away whilst out.
    On a day out we set a limit for each of the kids to buy treats, he decided it shouldn't apply to him and refused to have soemthing within his budget. Then when the others and I went on a ride designed for smaller kids he spent ages working on his dad to be allowed the item he wanted and by the time we got back he had it. He knows I identify what he's doing so he won't do it in front of me. So his sister and my girls all had settled just fine and bought something within the limit but he had to be exceptional - it's happened many, many times. etc etc etc There are so many more examples....too many to list.

    Without me around (ie not just step mom issues) he has also been known to punch his father in the stomach in public,he spent his first day of the new term pulling down trousers and underwear of all the kids in the playground, turned over (huge) house plants in revolt of being told he is going out somewhere (with notice by the way), run away and vanished in public parks, found discarded beer cans and drained them and eaten mushrooms found outside (no adult advice on safety - just eaten despite knowing not to), he has stolen from his father, told tales of his mother being violent (no evidence....not sure on that), pushed his younger sister in the water (another non swimmer), declared he will not eat certain foods even though it is known he likes them, manipulated about money, destroyed behaviour charts and thrown items away which are of significance. He is also known to act very loving when it suits him and usually just before he does something extreme in terms of manipulation. He can be an absolute charmer but it seems to be entirely inconsistant with his overall behaviours.

    His IQ seems high, his capability of achieving at school is obvious but he has no interest in anything except himself, many of his actions also run at the expense of his little sister. Such as determining he is the only child who can sit in the front of the car, he is the only child who can makes choices when given the option to pick at the supermarket what to eat and will deliberately and very cleverly set out to distract from his sisters choices/decisions if they were to take turns. (Explanation is very long) He speaks to his father with complete distaste, disrespect and rudeness, expecting his father to comply with his choices and will completely kick off if he doesn't get his way. during a conversation I had with him he admitted he doesn't see his father as in charge and does as he pleases and there's nothing his dad can do to stop him. He's also spoken to his dad about hating me because he gets into trouble and 'can't even breathe'. I expect that to be the case as the wicked stepmother and as a parent who doesn't generally entertain bad behaviour from my own children.
    There's other much smaller issues around manners, gratitude, taking turns etc but these I perceive as standard slightly naughty behaviours.

    It's all caused the most horrendous stress, arguments and issues where his father refuses to deal with the son. He even forgets the volume of incidents or forgets the nature of them. He cannot see how the volume and severity of issues has reached such a pinnacle for me. If we speak about issues he admits he has forgotten most of them until I mention it. He feels some of the issues are 'just being a boy'. We used to argue often about it but since I refused contact we argue much less. However, it is clear that my partner still cannot cope with him. He speaks about him in unfavourable terms at times but is very defensive all the same. He feels that if the son is doing ok at school and is described by other parents as polite during visits then he must be ok, but still cannot make him behave favourably at home.

    I did make huge efforts, spending time with my partners kids whilst mine were with their own dad, sitting and chatting with father and son about our situation, using advice books to gain insight, spoken to counsellors and psychologists about step parenting and his behaviour and even used my own training in communication to help give the child a feeling of control and equality. I now feel that was a mistake unfortunately.

    I've refused contact with the son for over a year now as the arguments got completely out of hand and stressful and split us up a few times, but as this pregnancy advances my partner is becoming more insistant that I must have contact with his son and makes out I'm being unreasonable.
    I feel I'm reducing my own stress and maintaining the safety of my daughters by avoiding contact and leaving the boy to be his fathers concern instead of trying to help (which was welcomed in earnest but became an issue when it meant seeing through consequences to behaviour or behaving consistantly in the fathers role). His son has been accessed by a local company who try to identify issues such as ADHD, ODD etc etc He was ruled out as having a hearing issue which was the first port of call but neither parent took the boy back for the later tests/assessments he was invited to have to establish what was causing the issues. Neither parent is willing to take him back. I don't know why - I suspect my partner is going down the avoidant route. Head in the sand.

    I have concerns how the son could be with the baby when it arrives. Apparently he despised his sister when she was born and although he's ok with her now he appears extremely selfish and not interested in her.

    My partner doesn't live with his son and sees both children for access regularly.

    I feel I'm doing the best thing to refuse contact but I have no one to talk to about this, therefore only my partners view to consider. I've already lost one friend who can only see the childs side as being vulnerable as she was in care as a child herself. I see my own children as being at greater risk.

    I don't have any interest in building a relationship with the child anymore, despite big efforts and research into the role of step parenting, as I feel there's too much happened and he poses too much of a risk to my daughters and I.
    We even took the matter into relationship counselling but we didn't really get anywhere and my partner hasn't acted upon any of the strategies discussed. He also spoke to fears that social services might become involved if they had any idea of what was going on - yet in the same breath he denys the severity of his sons behaviour.

    Any advice would be gratefully received at this time. I feel so utterly overwhelmed.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you should run, run, run and never look back. Do you REALLY want your daughters to be around this very disturbed child? You can't do anything about this man's ex or his willingness to let her manipulate him into spending time and money on her, BUt you can keep your daughters safe and count your blessings that you don't live with them...and in my opinion I would never ever consider it. There are plenty of good men out there who don't have such disturbed children. Even if your new guy admits his son has problems, it will be years, if ever, before they can be solved and you do have those girls. Kiss him good-bye.

    I would get a lawyer now and plan to plead with that lawyer to help you keep the child away from your unborn child (after she is born). He won't be safe with her and you can't force this guy from thinking it's ok for this son to be alone with his new sister or brother.

    Personally, to me this child sounds like he has attachment disorder, which is serious and due to lack of good caregiving and lots of chaos as an infant and young toddler. It is very hard to help unattached children. The sexual stuff is way out of the realm of ADHD. And don't fool yourself that this is all ex's fault. Why didn't your boyfriend protect his children from this alcoholic woman? Why do they live with her and why didn't he get custody? Lots of ??? here, but I'd do what I could to protect your child-to-be from this situation.
     
  3. Appleseed

    Appleseed New Member

    Thankyou, that's the first anyone has seemed to see how it is for me.
     
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hi and welcome

    These behaviors are certainly extreme. Do you know whether the child has always had behavioral problems -- even as a preschooler or primary grades?
     
  5. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I'm with MidwestMom, it sounds like attachment disorder. Please take care of yourself and your children first. Keep on posting!
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ditto on the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - or, it could also be Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) if the mom was drinking while preg.
    Either way... protect yourself and your children.
     
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hi Appleseed. Just to play devil's advocate a little, I wonder how someone who was closer to this boy would describe him? Surprising that people haven't insisted he get these evaluations and presumably a diagnosis along the way... He seems to cope alright at school, which is interesting.
    What makes me think of this is my knowledge that if someone who had no liking for or interest in my son were to describe him based on some of his behaviours, it would make a pretty devastating picture. Okay he's six to your partner's son 10 but quite honestly I'm not expecting these behaviours to go away any time soon. I think he would certainly be called manipulative and egotistical. But because I'm close to him and live with him all the time, I see firstly that he can't really help much of this stuff which is due to almost non-existent impulse control and then secondly that he has a generous heart, loves to help people, tries to please some of the time, etc, etc. The thing is, none of here on an internet forum can give a diagnosis from afar and none of us are on the ground to really see. I appreciate that the behaviour is very worrying in terms of how it impacts on your daughters and your fears about the new baby. Really I am asking whether this child has, in all objectivity, another side that can be called on and worked with. Positive reinforcement works wonders with ODD-type children.
    The background is complex and I quite understand that you feel it's not really your business to deal with it... unfortunately though the boy is part of the package of your husband, if I can put it like that. He may or may not have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but cutting him our of your lives completely seems a very drastic option. I can understand your husband's point, to be honest. While also understanding your feelings. I also appreciate that you generously tried to help the boy and the situation and that you feel this didn't work. I feel you should be adamant that your partner acts upon the strategies advised in the relationship counselling. You cannot really ask him to choose between you and his own son. It may have to be you who does the radical choosing.
     
  8. Appleseed

    Appleseed New Member

    HI and thankyou,
    Apparently, according to his father and close family friends he's always been 'difficult' or 'feisty', 'excess hubris' was another. He's had a poor record at several schools but then moved often so the record hasn't followed.
    His godfather says he was a demon from birth! His grandparents suggest he's 'just being a boy' but that's at odds with the first words they ever spoke to me which were " Oh (boys name) is a good boy really." (He'd been invited to my daughters birthday party and grandparents had to bring him, which struck me at the time - he then proceeded to try and force various boys to kiss his then 3 year old sister for the duration of the party).
     
  9. Appleseed

    Appleseed New Member

    HI Malika,
    We don't live together because I wouldn't try and make him change, this has been the best way for him to maintain contact with everyone so far and I have no plans to move in with him because our relationship is so damaged and because I wouldn't dream of having the son in my house.

    We used to have a relationship where my partner could speak to me about his sons behaviour and I could help theorise and suggest behaviour management strategies which he'd use, things would improve and then he couldn't maintain it. Either because the boy would up the ante to stop his dad being in control or because my partner was finding it hard. Now, from so much frustration of the lack of consistancy and therefore the pointlessness of me trying to help/arguing because the father hates enforcing rules and blames me/arguing because the son has undermined something between us/arguing because he's hurt my girls again etc etc so now I have nothing to do with it. 14 months of that wore me out.

    Insisting on the strategies advocatd by the counsellor would be great but I can't force him to do anything as a 40 year old man who suffers low self esteem and is essentially controlled by the fear of what his son will do - OR refuses to acknowledge it.

    So, I think I've pretty much established that the father and I can only really have a dating relationship whilst the son is as he is. Or, I should give it up as a bad job. I'm pretty much coming to the cut and run stage as I prepare for the babys birth.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Malika...your son is not like this boy. This boy is acting out sexually and very dangerously.

    This boy is not this woman's responsibility and she has no legal rights to get him help and help will take him a LONG time, if ever. And, YES, IC, he could also have fetal alcohol syndrome/effects, which is organic brain damage and can't be helped or fixed. I would not risk my children being around this very seriously dangerous child, even if he is nice sometimes. In fact, I don't think he should ever be around any children unsupervised. Has he ever tried to hurt animals, set fires, or does he pee and poop inappropriately? Would your boyfriend even tell you? I'd still run. You can't do anything to help the boy and the people who can won't even acknowledge that he is possibly dangerous to other children. (((Hugs)))
     
  11. Appleseed

    Appleseed New Member

    Hi and thanks for those ideas. I've searched them all on the internet. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) doesn't seem right as he's really one for being the centre of attention, with everyone, everywhere and at anyone elses expense. He will be very physical and huggy with people but it's pretty much on his terms in order to achieve something which looks like good behaviour/affection/apology but it usually immediately precedes another of his issues.
    I'm no sure Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE)/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) are quite right but I'm still reading up on that one.
     
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    A big tip off for Reactive Attachment Disorder is that kids are charming and appropriate in public situations (survival skill they learn) and are inappropriate in settings where they are pushed to bond. They often are even able to be better for one parent and horrible to the other which divides people against eachother. This is why only experts in reactive attachment disorder can even assess this much less help. They see through the child's acting sweet at times and the show they can put on. They see which comes first, conflict in the family or the child's inability to bond/low conscience /etc.

    I'd wonder about fetal alcohol syndrome too and really wonder about the combination of Fetal Alcohol&Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).
    You are connected to this man now because of the baby. But I would be of the mind that you will need to co parent and not live together. You will need to make sure all parent visitations are not when the older son is there unless going out to eat with you and the dad both supervising in public etc. Never a situation where he could even hug the baby. (My son would hug me and while looking sweet would be pinching me hard or pulling my hair hiding his hand under my hair. He was very young when I adopted him and intensive attachment therapy did help but he was never an unattached child. That said he is not a normally attached child and still has struggles. If I had another child he would not be living at home. I turned down another adoptive placement because I knew it would never work.
    I know this is scary and there are some brain based therapies that are cutting edge that some say are making huge differences but access is limited and your SO isn't even acknowledging that there is a problem. Kids that are this severely involved, even if this is not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or FASD, require intensive specialists and therapies and supervision. Cameras, locks on things, etc. Puberty hits and violence often multiplies.

    Do we still love and parent them? Of course. But the type of parenting is different and sometimes means they have to live out of the home.
    The standard to keep in mind is that love is not enough.

    We.don't know what his diagnosis is and are only guessing on ideas based on what you are saying and our own experiences. I wish I could paint an easier picture but this poor child is already hurting others. Without a safe living situation, he is likely to do something where his parents have no control over where he ends up and his self concept will be that he is bad, a crook, etc. It's kinder in my humble opinion, to find a place for him where he can be supervised and helped to reach his potential while not having to struggle with family issues and his lack of judgement or self control.

    I'm sorry for you and for this child. Your responsibility is to your birth children. If they are emotionally and/or physically hurt you will be devastated.
    I'm very sorry for you. It's going to be tricky to say the least.

    Look up Attachment Disorder and Reactive Attachment Disorder online and see what you think. Also check out Fetal Alcohol Effect/Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorders.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You BET they can be charming! The child we adopted who turned out so scary fooled even the psychiatrists!!! That is, until we found out (and he admitted) he had sexually abused the two younger kids for three years. And, of course, he killed two dogs and we thought he was such a good kid we didn't suspect him for the first dog. He did admit it when we finally had him escorted away because if he was going to get help, it was going to be somewhere else...not near my children and pets anymore. Had we known what was going on with him before the adoption was final, it would never had happened. And even though it did go through, we had no choice but to relinquish him back to the state or destroy our other two children...to this day, they hate him and are afraid of him. At least they know that as soon as we found out, we protected them from him.

    I do not wish t his on anyone else's kids. At least this poster has the heads up on this child and can act to save her children from him. This boyfriend is more clueless than a rock.
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!

    This child is sexually abusing your children. That is what walking in on them in the bathroom is. It is often one of the first steps to becoming a sexual offender. If sex offenses are a ladder, that is one of the bottom rungs. Until your daughters have had a lot of therapy AND they are positive that he won't ever live with them or be around them, you won't know the true extent of what he has done to them.

    This child attempted to kill your children. That is what holding their heads under water is. Period.

    This child has attempted to seriously hurt your kids. He wanted to cause them to have LIFELONG problems with their eyes when he made them look into the red laser. He has successfully abused them physically in other ways.

    He is disrespectful and abusive verbally to everyone and yet you are supposed to let an infant be around him? He gets upset and acts out when his siblings or your kids get attention and/or get control of even the smallest parts of the family life.

    WHY ON EARTH would you consider allowing your baby's life to be endangered by this very dangerous child? Exactly what woudl happen when he was left in a room for a minute or two so you could do something for one of your other kids or for anyone not him? The baby is so helpless and you couldn't even keep your older kids safe from him. I know you tried HARD to keep them safe, but sometimes the ONLY way to do that is to not allow the danger to be around them.

    I would be very upset if the father of my child kept insisting that a dangerous child with a history of harming other children should be around our child. You are not blowing this out of proportion. If this boy isn't safe around your older children, ones who can speak up and tell what he did, how is he to be safe around an infant? Esp as he does exactly what you tell hm not to do as long as that action hurts someone. Your baby cannot do anything but cry and it takes some work to get to the point where you understand his cries. People who do not spend a lot of time with the baby won't understand what his cries mean and then they won't be able to help.

    I do have to wonder why people push us to allow unsafe, volatile people around our children. even if that person is a child, other children and adults need to be protected from him.

    I do think the child needs major help and likely has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). That doesn't mean he can be allowed to abuse people. In my area CPS will have a fit if a child is kept around someone who has hurt them so much. been there done that. If we hadn't refused to allow our son into our home after he had attacked me several times (this was almost a year after he spent 4 mos in a psychiatric hospital), CPS would have taken our OTHER children. They wouldn't take the one violent child, and wouldn't offer services to help us, but they would take our other 2 kids. We would have been judged unfit parents for allowing our other son to hurt them so they would have been taken. in my opinion that is soooo wrong because it ends up with the other 2 kids being further traumatized just so that CPS didn't have to find help for our difficult child. My son went to live with my parents and turned himself around, but he does not have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

    Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) does not speak of a healthy future for this boy. I am sorry about that. But the facts are that he is dangerous and wll be more so in the future, most liekly. Esp in a couple of years when the hormones take control.
     
  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, the complicating factor here is your pregnancy. My fear would be I would be forced to turn over my baby for visitation and not even be allowed to be present during the visit. Sounds like dad would want the boy to know his new sibling. You have to consider this aspect of your situation.
     
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Appleseed, welcome.
    I agree, that I would put the pregnancy and baby first, in regard to safety.
    I just don't see how anyone can be safe around this boy, who clearly has serious issues.
    I do not know where it's Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) or Attachment Disorder of bipolar or all of the above, but the one thing that jumped out at me was that you thought that the pregnancy was the only think keeping you and your partner together. That's not a good reason.
    You live in a world where you can drive, have your own job, and have your own life. It's not 1930 where you have to stay home and cook.
    I'd be walking the other way. Sad but serious.
     
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Appleseed you likely would be surprised by how many unmarried and fairly newly married women come to this site looking for "answers" on how to solve the problem. The ones who are still in the "honeymoon stage" often leave after posting once or twice because they want so much to "solve the problem". The problems you are describing you can not solve. It doesn't matter how many degrees you have, how much experience you have with children, OR how much you wish you could make it all better. It is NOT going to get better. in my humble opinion all you can do is minimize the damage that is likely to come to you and your new child. I truly am sorry. You need to make notes on this child's behavior (yes, even if it is second hand) and date any known instances of abnormality. You need to be sure if it comes to Court you have more than idle fears and accusations.

    I have not raised a child like you describe. I have been associated with the district Court system and been the Guardian Ad Litem for a number of children similar to the boy you describe. Counseling does not solve their problems. The problems are embedded in their being and without exaggeration I have cried many times as I had to make recommendations to the Court that they not be in a home or have access to other children.

    Please accept my hugs and heartfelt sorrow that you are facing this issue. DDD
     
  18. Appleseed

    Appleseed New Member

    Thanks, I genuinely appreciate the advice and opinions.
    (I have replied to several other posts ladies - I appreciate all your responses, still very new so posts are moderated so I'm guessing my replies will appear later.)

    I tried to write my first post with some (admittedly limited) neutrality, in order to get the best and most even response. I feel reasonably certain that you've all confirmed what I thought and I'm willing to have faith in your opinions because you have knowledge and experience.
    I have posted on a standard parenting forum previously and was absolutely ripped to shreds because so very few of the parents could relate to the experiences I've had. They deemed me to be mentally ill, unfair, evil etc and it worried me. To have found a site where you all appear to have genuine knowledge and experience hopefully indicates I'm not making a huge mistake here. I don't want to fix things with the son, nor with the father really. I have my own responsibility and I'm essentially looking to check I'm not acting a bit loco in my own way.
    I will regard myself as fortunate if perhaps I don't 'need' to come back and post again. It would hopefully be because I don't have to deal with the child who I believe has issues.
    I have spoken to my partner about access/visitation and about supervising everything. He has reluctantly agreed not to let the baby out of his sight as he knows full well I don't want contact with his son. How that will pan out in the long term is yet to be known but I'm not afraid to restrict access on terms of safety.

    After a number of recent issues surrounding my partners inability to face up to things I'm very much on the edge of reducing our relationship purely to co-parenting and maybe friendship. Our baby was conceived just a few days before I ended the relationship earlier in the year and we've really only tried to make it work because of the baby. I'm aware this is a tenuous link between us, I feel I've been doing the right thing - to try. But he's causing unnecessary strain and tension and that's without the stuff about his son.
    We had a huge talk about it all and he still could not see why I'm so determined to protect my daughters but coincidentally I received a message indicating a boy at school had hurt one of my daughters in the same way his son had (during a swimming lesson) and he was shocked. (My daughter was fine by the way and none the worse off for her experience thankfully) For the first time he could see why I'm so against being anywhere near his son. However, that was one incident and the rest he has forgotten/ become vague about or chooses to interpret some other way.

    He has indicated to everyone he knows that his son and I 'just don't get on'. So the advice he has been receiving has been ill advised because he's so embarrassed to admit how badly his son has behaved. I've insisted he stops deceiving people. Surely if he's so embarrassed he must realise how bad the behaviour is? If he dare not admit it to friends and family how can he get balanced advice on what to do? So, he strangely went and confessed everything to his ex wife, her parents and one friend. His ex wife (the lush) disagreed with it all, she won't have a bad word spoken about her son but then can't wait to get rid of him, speaks badly of him, prefers alcohol and facebook to parenting etc. Her parents said he's just being a boy. And the friend, who is the boys godfather and has said to me many times that he was evil, badly behaved and told me so many stories of how the son has spoiled holidays and visits etc etc etc also said he thought I was wrong. This really puzzled me. However, I now gather that he's a person who tells the listener what they want to hear.
    So, to add insult to injury, I don't think my partner will ever hear the truth from anyone else. So he'll never get any support.

    I try to tell myself that there's a reason for all of this, why I'm tied in some way to this man when I was completely ready to end all contact with him and move on. What that reason will be I have yet to discover but I shall look on the positive side and hope that it's something wonderful.
    Thankyou all for your time and effort in replying.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I think your boyfriend AND his alcoholic wife will have to deal with son because the child can only keep other kids that he abuses and threatens silent for so long. The child we adopted terrorized all children he abused into keeping quiet by threatening to kill their parents and them if they told on him. In hindsight, we are appalled to see that he tended to gravitate towards vulnerable children, such as one boy with a limited ability to communicate who also had seizures. I'll bet he abused him too. There are too many other instances to list in hindsight, but one day he will be caught and CPS will get involved and your dear boyfriend won't have a choice but to deal with this son or he may lose his son against his will or have CPS threaten to remove his other children if he doesn't let them put him in a residential home.

    In the meantime, get soul custody of your baby. This man is in so much denial and it could be a few years before this charming but lethal kid messes up bad enough to be turned in. But one thing for sure...it will happen. He isn't going to change. He can't change. And you don't need to subject your children to his problem, including the child you share with this man. I would tell your lawyer all about this boy when you ask for soul custody. Make sure he presents it to the judge. Joint custody with this clueless man would be horrible...he can pretty much veto out any decisions you make it you have joint.

    Wishing you well! You have the power to keep your children safe :)
     
  20. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Dad's typically have a very hard time accepting that their child has a problem -- his attitude doesn't surprise me at all.

    Even very strong marriages are tested by the needs of special needs children. If there's not a strong commitment between the couple at the outset, the odds of making it work are little to none in my opinion. Then there's the complication of protecting your children.

    This poor little boy.... It appears he's needed intervention for years and never received it. It doesn't appear his parents will see to it that he gets it anytime soon. The bottom line is that there's not one thing you can do about it -- except protect your children.

    I'm thinking you had already come to similar conclusions and just needed some validation. We've all been in the "need validation" situation at one time or another. You're kids are lucky -- they have a smart mom that knows how to research the situation.
     
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