She just does not stop!!

[TeDo]

I'm talking about my mother. I am getting soooo frustrated with her passive-aggressive, judgemental, opinionate ways. Sorry but I NEED to vent!

I mentioned before that we got this dog a couple weeks ago. We'd have gotten one a few years ago but my mom is extremely allergic to dogs. She stopped coming to visit after the "situation" last June. She stops by maybe once a month or two but only to drop something off and then she leaves right away. Many times, we aren't even home and she will leave whatever it is on the table. So since she doesn't come over any more, we decided why can't we have one now.

Anyway, difficult child 2 tried telling my mom and sister that we got a dog a couple days after we got her. Neither of them said anything so difficult child 2 dropped it, according to him. So yesterday, while we were gone, my mom and a few of her friends came over to help themselves to my rhubarb patch (don't get me started). She knew we were gong to be gone most of the day (lots of things going on). I was leaving for an evening meeting after dropping both boys at their activities when I met my mom a couple blocks away. I stopped and politely asked her where she was heading because she pretty much never comes to my neighborhood. She said she was heading my to my house to drop something off. I said "no one's there. I'll take it". She said "that's okay, I can just leave it on the table." I knew then and there that something was up. She reluctantly gave it to me. I happened to think, she had to have seen the dog tie-out in the yard and she was going to my house to see if we had a dog. Remember, I'm assuming she didn't hear difficult child 2 tell her two weeks ago. So on my way to my meeting I called my sister and told her "Mom's at it again" and I explained the whole scenario. I told her " Mom's going to keep finding reasons to come to my house to see if we have a dog and then she's going to act all surprised and accuse me of being secretive about it."

Well today, my mom walks in our back door with something else she HAS to drop off (now remember she only comes once every month or two...closer to two). The dog lets out one bark and my mom goes "WHAT is that thing doing in here?" difficult child 1 grabbed the dog who had stood on her hind legs to say hi and pulled her away. Mom's on her phone saying "Oh my god, there's a big dog in here!" She gets off the phone and says "so what's with the dog?" I told her difficult child 2 told her about it. She said "well, I didn't here him. So in other words you own a dog. ANOTHER thing you've been hiding. I guess I won't be coming to visit anymore." and then leaves. difficult child 1 looks at me and says to me "We haven't been hiding anything and like she ever comes to visit anyway!" Later, when difficult child 2 came home, I told him about it and he said exactly the same thing difficult child 1 said earlier.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and NONE of us wants to go to her house to give her her cards/gift. difficult child 2 said "you know that's all she's going to talk about and it'll be nothing but complaining and I don't want to listen to it." I just wish she'd leave is alone. I'm almost 50 years old and STILL can't do anything right and everything is about her. Grrrr

Thanks for letting me vent. I REALLY needed to do it though!!!

 

[Star*]

Send her a birthday card from the dog.......and I'd say "a little present' but I really don't know your Mom.....(but what I really meant was a scarf) ---------Ohhhh what were YOU thinking? tch tch tch!

Hugs----------and love --------and one of those roller things for the hair. I"m sure she'll need one now that your're just infested with dogs.....and maybe a picture frame with a picture of the dog that says - MY FAVORITE NANA.....or GRANDMA?

Yeah I got nuthin.

 

[welcometowitsend]

TeDo - I have a difficult mother too.

You could always send her a pair of latex gloves and a mask - that way she can come to visit. LOL. Just trying to make you laugh. Star had a good idea too.

But seriously, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your mom. You have every right to run your home the way you see fit and it really isn't any of her concern. Whether she visits or not you have the right to own a dog. You're an adult and your mom needs to realize that you're running your own life now, not her.

 

[Hound dog]

Wow.

And I thought my mom is self centered / self serving. wth?

You're Mom is allergic, not you, not the kids. Your mom doesn't own the dog, won't be living with the dog, obviously won't be playing with the dog yadda yadda. IF mom is so allergic, mom can not visit. Simple.

Not your problem.

I couldn't conceive of telling one of my grown kids ( or expecting such) they couldn't have something because I"m allergic. I mean personally........I'm actually very allergic to cats. easy child has 3 cats. I still have watched her boys for her, still do. I even took in Bruce for Darrin when he found him as a stray. I take allergy medications (they work sort of) and svck it up. If it were severe, I'd just avoid easy child's house......invite her to mine and that would be that. (severe I'm talking major breathing issues ect)

I'd go to her birthday. I'd buy her whatever you'd have bought her before. I'd tell her when she starts that it's your house, your kids, and you have a right to own anything you want to own. If it bothers her, you can visit her there and she just won't have to deal with it. phht.

Personally, I'd tell her she can take her line of bull and peddle it elsewhere, or fold it into sharp corners and put it where the sun don't shine.........(and trust me, I have MANY times over dogs and other issues)

I can't imagine telling one of my kids they can't own something, regardless of the reason. ugh

 

[Hopeless]

Well your mom wouldn't like our house either....my dog would sit on her lap and kiss her bunches.

Hugs and sorry your mom is acting this way.

 

[TeDo]

Star- Thanks for the laugh!! I needed that.

Welcome - She doesn't come to visit and I don't go there since last June when SHE blew it regarding difficult child 1. I really have no time for the woman since I realized how "sick" she really is and I grew a backbone. That is why this is so infuriating.

Hound - Her allergies agitate the h*** out of her breathing. She has emphysema and uses an inhaler frequently and even that isn't enough sometimes. She doesn't visit and neither do I except for holidays. She is just a very mean-spirited person sometimes so we just have limited contact with her. So sad considering it is my boys' only grandparent.

Hopeless - She doesn't have a problem with my sister's poodle jumping on her and licking her once in a while for VERY short periods of time and then she washes the area right away. She was just being overdramatic to make a point.

 

[Hound dog]

TeDo................ I think perhaps you should've adopted a dog ages ago. LOL (ok, yeah, maybe it's mean......) I'd just tell her not to visit your house then. Which gives you the option of visiting her when you wish.

Reminds me of when my mom quit smoking. She expected me not to smoke in my home while she visited. Uh, no. I don't smoke in hers (one of the reasons I haven't been there in 15 yrs, I can't see traveling 9 hrs to not be able to smoke) but if you choose to visit me knowing I smoke, then you deal. She did the same thing when my bro brought her over because he had just quit and has Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) and emphysema as well. Again, I said nope. My house. (she wasn't worried about his breathing....just that he'd start smoking again)

With her being so mean spirited............trust me, it's best they have limited contact with her, regardless that she's their only grandparent.

Hugs

 

[susiestar]

Sweetie, why not tell her you got a dog because someone kept 'breaking in' and leaving things and stealing your rhubarb and other growing things and this is what the sheriff/cops recommended to help stop it? It would let her know that entering your home is NOT okay unless she asks, that you want her to stay OUt of your rhubarb, and that the dog is there to STAY.

Or else tell her that the next tme she breaks in to get or leave something, you will call the cops because it is NOT her home it is YOURS. She is welcome to come by WHEN SHE CALLS FIRST AND IT IS A GOOD TIME FOR YOU.

Also have you considered locking the door and posting a sign saying that ANYONE stealing rhubarb is trespassing and will be shot or prosecuted?

I know you have set some boundaries, but I think it is time to set more. If your mom has a key to your house, it is pretty easy to change the locks. Just pick up a lock set at the hardware store and follow the instructions on the package or you can find instructions online. Don't say a word and let her wonder why her key doesn't work if she has one.

It is YOUR house and you have every right to keep her OUT of it. You just have to do whatever it takes to make it happen. It will also protect your kids from her.

 

[TeDo]

Good ideas Suzi. I changed the locks last June and she did not have a key. Then, I don't remember why, but we told her where our spare key was once when we needed her to go in there when we were out of town (I changed the location after we got home) but knowing her, it would not surprise me in the least if she had a copy made of that key before we got back. She did it with my brother-in-laws key. She didn't like it that only he and his two kids had keys. She has significant boundary issues and I can see in her mind thinking "they got a dog so I can't come to their house". You know, a version of they're against me. They hate me. La di da di da

 

[Liahona]

I hope this means your rhubarb patch is safe. If it were me I don't think I'd ever stop the dog from jumping on her. Wouldn't necessarily encourage it; just wouldn't stop it.

Your mom is worse than mine but mine is also "passive-aggressive, judgmental, opinionated" I have found that leaving her alone for a long time helps a lot. It still hurts though.

 

[buddy]

She is not going to be able to come and visit now??? Whew, good! The plan worked.

(sorry, I know she is a major PItA, but sounds like other than her ridiculous complaints, your life just got better!)

 

[TeDo]

No Liahona, the patch is not safe. Neither is my garden. She helps herself to whatever she wants. My garden used to be the family garden because no one else had room to have one. Everyone would chip in for having it tilled and for the plants. But, I quit doing the large scale garden because NO ONE helped with the weeding or thinning or any of the WORK. Now, she just helps herself when she knows I'm not home. I don't mind that SHE took some rhubarb. What I do have a problem with is that she let her friends come along and help themselves too so now there's nothing left and I had told a friend of MINE that they could come and get some but there was nothing left to get.

Buddy, she just won't come to our house but she will fully expect us to come to HER house all the time (more than she has ever come to ours) because she "can't" come to ours (like she ever did anyway, duh) and if we don't, we don't love her and we don't have time for her and yada yada yada. You get my drift?

 

[buddy]

Oh yeah, I hear you....too bad for her though. (I know it is not that easy, just wishing it for you!)

 

[AnnieO]

Can you put the dog outside on a lead when you're not home? With water of course? Bwahaha.

So here's my question... If she just helps herself, how is there any left for you? How about planting something she HATES? I'll think on that one... Something really annoying.

I hate p/a people.

 

[keista]

Electric fence around the garden maybe? Not really that difficult to accomplish. You can always blame it on the rabbits who have been dessamating your garden because no relative of yours would be so selfish as to take ALL of something.

 

[Liahona]

Wow, she really needs some boundaries. I like Steps idea of keeping the dog outside when you're not home. Even dog sitting for others. Yeah, maybe she needs to feel like she isn't welcome before she'll get the hint. I'm sure you've sat down and told her where the boundaries are and she just isn't accepting them.

Something I do with my mom is to take the passive out of it. If she steps over a boundary I aggressively tell her.(I don't attack her physically. I just let her know in a tone that doesn't leave any room for doubt.) Every time. I don't tell her everytime she hurts my feelings. Mostly its when she steps over a line with the kids. She is scared of conflict and will back off fast. And, no, I am not liked, and they talk about how awful I am behind my back. But, I am mom and they don't interfere with my kids. When she stays with us that includes rather small things that she thinks are petty. I would've had a fit about her coming in uninvited just because it would send difficult child 1 into a tail spin.

 

[Tiapet]

Tedo, I'm really sorry you're mom is such a pita and not a tasty one! LOL I can't believe, well yes I can actually, that she does what she does. What came to my mind was "mom, I love you but I just can't do this anymore. It's my life to do what I wish". As for the garden, how about some well placed mice traps? LOL.....well maybe not because I don't think you want to hurt her but maybe it would keep her hands out of your garden!

 

[susiestar]

Demand cash for the rhubarb patch. if she goes into the 'you don't love me', agree. Well, if htat is what you think, it must be true.' and then leave. don't go back untl she ASKS you to - asks nicely at that.

Or sit her down and tell her, clearly, that she is NOT allowed to come over iwth friends, and any other rules that are hard and fast. When you find her violating them, tell her up front, not nicely (not rude but open and clear with NO doubt) or delicately and tell her that if she cannot follow your boundaries on your property then you will have to seek a legal solution via the police - trespassing and theft charges for STEALING food out your families' mouths. Tell her that she STOLE that rhubarb out of your children's mouths and she must now pay you the $50 that the rhubarb in your garden was worth. Do NOT debate how much was there or how much she and her friends took. Your harvest is gone, the harvest was worth $50 or some high amt, and she is to give you the $ NOW and if she doesn't you are calling the police to report her and her friends for theft. Then do t if she refuses to pay or she does it again. I am NOT joking. I was serious when i told my bro that I was calling 911 the last time he just walked into my home. His daughter was there and was scared, as was he because he has already had problems with the law in the past.

She can only do this stuff if you ALLOW it. It is not easy, but you MUST draw boundaries. Your kids are the ones who will pay the most if you don't. been there done that and hated how my weakness for my mom and bro hurt my children.

 

[buddy]

Heck, no cash.... I think rhubarb bread, strawberry rhubarb pie, and any number of yummie deserts in compensation from all of them is in order!

 

[TerryJ2]

TeDo, you're not renting from her, are you?

I would change the locks again. I'm thinking that after a few wks, she'll change her mind after she's over her anger and she's lonely, and she'll contact you. She sounds like she's got some serious issues.

Also, the fact that you needed something from her and told her where you hide-a-key was indicates that you aren't sticking to your own rules and boundaries. I would not ask her to do a single thing. It's just too dangerous and provocative. You do not need that kind of stress.

P.S. I think Buddy's onto something. You could turn the tables and leave numerous msgs on your mom's phone telling her you expect rhubarb pie and bread within the next day or two.