She's back at it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MaggieDawn70, Nov 3, 2011.

  1. MaggieDawn70

    MaggieDawn70 New Member

    Hi, haven't been here for awhile. My 20yo daughter was quiet for several weeks but now seems to be back at it.

    Last month my father passed away unexpectedly and I've been preoccupied with that. I am his only child and he wasn't married so I've been the one to take care of everything. His parents and four siblings knew he was ill but did not know to what extent. My dad and me have been estranged for about 1.5 years and his extended family argued about who was going to tell me because they knew my dad wouldn't. Even if he had told me he was sick, I'm sure he wouldn't have said anything about how he had been given only 6-8 months to live by his cardiologist. That's just the way he was, estranged or not, a very private person.

    It has been a rough year for my daughter and me. She's pulled several stunts and had been ignoring me for some time. Not too long before my dad passed away, things were starting to get marginally better. Not a lot but some. My dad dies and I think she sees some sort of "opening," so to speak. Prior to all this she had dropped out of college (two year program) with only six classes left to finish. She ended up moving out of the apartment we had been paying for while she was attending classes. I told her she had to move, was no longer going to pay after the problems she had caused.

    Well, she starts communicating more after a long while of nothing much and I can tell things haven't really changed but I try to keep things neutral. Then yesterday she calls my cell phone while I'm at work, I don't answer. In the voicemail she demanded I call her back as she had something important to discuss. I later learn she is, according to her, living in a "s*itty situation" and will be moving back home. She didn't ask, per the usual, basically just said what she intended to do. I told her no. There is no way I am inviting that stress back into our lives (husband and me). Her s*itty situation is that she refuses to get a job and her friend she's living with expects her to pay rent (go figure). I told her she needed to grow up and get a job. She refuses to tell me what happened to her last job but I can only imagine.

    I work 9-10 hours a day and usually have most every Friday off, which is my day to recoup from the work week and do whatever else. However, the day after tomorrow is the family get-together/memorial for my dad, up at my aunt's house. My daughter is invited, of course, but I have to say I'm not looking forward to seeing her. After daughter lays this **** on me yesterday, the last thing I need is more drama and in front of our family. She wanted to come down to my house tomorrow (a Friday off for me) but I made sure that wouldn't happen. I can't deal with her right now. I do feel a little guilty but not enough to change my plans.

    Is there something wrong with me because I am sick to death of this? It seems everytime I have to deal with something major, my daughter has to create drama of her own and try to make me deal with that too. I've gotten much better at not trying to rescue her from her problems but it still makes me feel guilty. Then I have to remember how much she lies to me on a regular basis.....her story about a s*itty situation may not even be true, one never knows with her. I can't imagine laying this kind of garbage on anyone, much less someone going through a rough time dealing with the death of a parent or anything similar . She seems to believe it isn't a big deal and that I'm at fault for forcing her to deal with her own problems. I know she is wrong but I am exhausted from dealing with probate matters and everything else, the last thing I have time for is more dramatics from her. I actually would prefer to be left alone....I don't need any help other than to have the time to deal with everything without being bothered.

    I just feel like a terrible parent sometimes but I know not letting her move back home is the best thing to do. I just don't understand why there always has to be something going on with her and I'm sick of having to push back all the time to maintain boundaries.
  2. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Hi Maggie,

    There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting a peaceful difficult child antics-free life. If that means difficult child not moving back home, then that is what it means. You have enough on your plate.

    (I tend to take a hard line on this type of issue, by the way)

    All the years I had to suffer with my now 20 y/o daughter's antics. I made it clear, when she turned 18 she would be OUT on her kiester if she pulled any of the nonsense while I was trying to raise her. She knew I meant it, too. I still do mean it. I grew up with a alcoholic/sociopath father, and I wasn't going to have one more day of difficult child behavior than I had to. Amazing when she turned 18, how it suddenly stopped. She still lives at home, has a part time job, fixing to go back to school. It's certainly not perfect, but the constant chaos disappeared.
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you today and tommorow.

    It seems that narcissistic behavior & difficult child go hand in hand. If she wants to make this about her-she may-but she better keep it to herself!

    Is there someone attending the memorial who can run interference between you and your difficult child? Keep her busy and away from you? Maybe have a key phrase like "do we have enough ice?" you can use to signal whomever that you need to get away from her?

    Trinity posted a list of phrases to use to detach about a week ago. You may find some helpful comebacks there. In the meantime, I think something along the lines of "I am not prepared to discuss this today, I am mourning my father" with a squeeze of her hand should stop her in her tracks. And then move on physically past her.

    You have to take care of yourself in these next few weeks ahead. Don't be afraid to say that to her. Empower yourself - and don't let her make you feel guilty. Stay strong {{hugs}}
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you are acting in a completely appropriate manner. I would wonder if her behavior was related to her grandfather passing if she had a close relationship with him but if this is par for the course for her then forget that. My son went round the bend when my dad died last year and had a really bad fit right before the funeral but we all knew it was stress of losing his beloved Papa. None of us were handling it well. Once the event was over, he settled back down.

    No one needs to continue accepting bad behavior. I am in the middle of thinking about this right now.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi. i do not have an older child or similar issues, but my heart hurt for you and i wanted to say sorry for your loss and the struggles you had prior to it. I wish you had support during this time while dealing with the details. Also sorry for what difficult child is putting you through. I hope you can find some peace over the next year and beyond... stay in touch, I'm sure others will be along to share...

  6. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Maggie, there's nothing wrong with you. You deserve to not live in chaos and abuse, and she's an adult. I'm right where you are in terms of being angry about how I was treated, and the expectation my difficult child has that I should just take whatever he feels like dishing out.

    I'm sorry about your father. Please take good care of yourself and do what you need to in order to get through this time. Your difficult child is old enough to take care of herself.