So done with-it all

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rbakers, Feb 11, 2008.

  1. rbakers

    rbakers New Member

    Well, Im back. It has been a while. Im needing help, as if you couldnt tell. lol. Anyway, I am gonna rant a while. I am just so done with-it all. The twinz are now teens. I cant stand difficult child 3. He is trying to break the apron strings, which is good. But its like he wants to go against everything I stand for. Real question, how do I stop the insanity? Example, he calls his sister fat. I tell him to stop and he keeps going and going and going. His mouth just wont quit! Do I send him to his room where he throws a fit? Before he takes his medications in the am, he is obnoxious and intolerable. His sister wishes he was dead. He talks negative all the time about everything. We have been through countless therapist. But if he doesnt want to change, what is the point? If he wont do the work its like throwing money out the window.

    I used to be such a good warrior mom, an advocate for my child. But he has turned on me but he loves me. He wants me right there, but go away. Hug me, dont touch me! I see what has happened, what I have let happen. I just cant get back in controll of myself or him. I have been running away from it all. I know that, I just cant deal with-this mess anymore and I dont know what to do about it. He has had medication changes so I need to update that part. He actually stopped taking some of the medications because he didnt want to take all of these "drugs". He did this while I was out of town. The sad thing is, I couldnt tell any difference from when he was on them and when he stopped! We went to psychiatrist and he said we would wait and see what happens. Fine, because they werent working in the first place and he kept dumping more medications on top of medications.

    Maybe I need to go to counseling, maybe we need to go as a family. I just dont have the answers anymore. This is not a nice place to be for any of us. Okay folks, send any advice you can think of, because I am just done.
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Ahhhh, been there done that! My morning cup of joy is 9 years old and is driving me nuts!

    When's the last time you perused the Explosive Child? If you haven't read it, take a look and if you have, buzz through it again. If anything, you can laugh at the examples!

    When's the last time you had a neuropsychologist done? Just a stab, but maybe he's been misdiagnosed? Grasping at straws!

    I agree that the CONSTANT negativity wears you down. I've resorted to making all of them write their infractions 50 to 100 times. difficult child 1 is constantly name-calling. Stupid, idiot, the latest and greatest this morning was "ignoramus". He did it on the bus on Thursday, had his sister and brother yelling back at them so:

    difficult child 1 - 50x's - I will not call people names.
    difficult child 2 - 50x's - I will not throw tantrums.
    difficult child 3 - 50x's - I will not scream.

    If anything, they'll have neat handwriting!

    Welcome Home!

  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Part of it just the obnoxiousness of being 14. Such a charming age! Believe it or not, it will get better.

    A couple of suggestions. Can you give him his medications before it is actually time to get up? Kind of when he's half asleep? Then he can go back to sleep for 30 minutes or an hour and by the time he gets up, the medications will have kicked in.

    I've always had the attitude if you can't be respectful to other family members, then you need to be away from them. So, yes, I'd send him to his room. If he starts having temper trantrums in his room, explain you need to remove anything breakable so that he doesn't accidently damage them. It took me 3 years to figure that one out but it did work. The next time she had a tantrum as throwing things, I waited until she was at school and removed her TV, lamp, etc. and put them in storage. When she managed to go 3 months with just stomping and being verbal in her room, she got her things back. It doesn't stop the anger, but it did stop some of the behavior.

    Good luck and remember he will grow out of it, that's the only saving grace of teenagedom.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry you had to come back under such difficult circumstances but welcome back anyway.

    As a parent on the other side of the teen years I have to say I found the years from ohhh...13 to 16 or so....the hardest, most challenging, oppressive years I went through. I really thought I wouldnt live through them. I wanted to (kill him, trade him in, give him away, run away from home...pick one!) on a daily basis. I have always said I wouldnt go back to those years if they offered me a million bucks.

    On the upside...only 4 years until he is 18! But what a long 4 years they are.

    There really isnt a whole lot you can do if he is hell bent on destruction other than what you have been doing. Keep trying to get him help on the medical and educational front. If he wont use the tools you put in front of him then one day he can only blame himself. At 21 mine looks back and could kick himself for what he missed. Oh well...I tried, he didnt. It might do you a world of good to go to a therapist for yourself so you can vent your frustrations to a live person. That can be extremely cathartic.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi and welcome back -

    Yes counseling for you yourself - and YES counseling for mouthy boy, and YES family therapy. It has to become habit - and don't take no for an answer.

    That and age/maturation have been the ONLY thing that have helped so far - and well to be honest 5 months in a group home not fit for a toad.

    Good luck
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I don't have much advice, but just wanted to offer gentle cyber hugs. I hope things get better for you.
  7. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Sending a hot cup of coffee, a hug and an ear to listen (unfortunately all cyper). My difficult child was just sent home from school for trashing a classroom, he has very similar issues. We can't get him to do schoolwork...and he is 9, don't know how I will survive the teens. Post, vent and take care of yourself. And yes, when mine is a bear I send him to his room and deal with the destruction later.
  8. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    nvts, our therapist recommended rather than have them write, "I will not scream." (for instance), that they write, "I will talk more softly." They said the POSITIVE approach of what they are saying works better than the NEGATIVE such as: "I will not......yadda, yadda, yadda."

    I found it very interesting so I've tried really hard to do it and see if it made a difference. Sorta like pounding the positive into their heads. Don't ask me if it works....haven't tried it for long enough yet. But at least it was a different suggestion than what I've heard in the past.

    I have no suggestions other than what has been mentioned, rbakers. Here's hoping this rough patch moves out quickly!!
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I don't have a lot of advice for you, but I will listen to others as my difficult child is fast approaching 13!

    Glad you have come back to find some support, and "been theres"!

  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    difficult child 1 - 50 x's - I will only say nice things
    difficult child 2 - 50 x's - I will only conduct myself calmly
    difficult child 3 - 50 x's - I will only speak quietly
    Mom - 50 x's- I will only pull my hair out one at a time instead of in clumps


    Just kidding! lol

    I'll give it a shot! SOMETHING has got to work! I myself am sick and tired of fighting with the bus matron - man could I tell you stories about the past week or so...

    Thanks for the idea Pamela!

  11. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Hey......really......last week difficult child was HORRENDOUS to me. I wrote on a pad of paper: "THE REASONS MY PARENTS SHOULD NOT SEND ME TO LIVE WHERE I CAN LEARN BETTER MANNERS ARE:..."

    This forced him to say some nice things and honestly, he wrote it for a long time, so I know he had to give it some thought. By the time he was through he acted totally remorseful.
  12. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    My difficult child is 14 too and although puberty has played into things some, for the most part, her irritibility is the same ole same ole. I don't have any advice either but wanted you to know that I understand where you're at. I was there this morning when I couldn't do anything right. She was mad because the van door was hard to open (frozen shut), she was mad because I had to stop and clean the driver side window and passenger window(couldn't roll them down because they were also frozen shut), she was mad because one of the other kids changed the connection wires to the dvd player and she didn't want to be the one hooking it back up, she was mad that I told her that if it was too hard for her to fix it(it wasn't....she just didn't want to), then she could leave it off, she then told me that I didn't care about her 2 yr. old brother if they couldn't watch dvd.....add lots of swears in on her part......she lost privileges....doesn't care...yadda, yadda, yadda. I made her sit in the way back and not next to her little brother because she was sitting there telling him nasty things about me:ignoring: If I said something to her, she told me to shut up so I ignored her and she started yelling at tired of it:crazy1:.

    I really like the idea of having them write something over and over...just wouldn't work here because difficult child would refuse and there's no way I could make her write it short of me holding her hand and writing it with her.... now that would be quite a sight:laughing: I may use it on my other kids though:D
  13. rbakers

    rbakers New Member

    Thank you all so much. I will try the writing, but like Tammy, it will probably take a gun to the head. That did work when they were younger. He started last night trying to engage his sister in a battle of the words, starting with-an insult. I sent him to his room and told her to be quite. I think it kinda shocked him. I shut him down, when he did the why do I always get in trouble and she doesnt? I said because you started it, get out of here now. Um what? and storms off to his room. I just have to get back to basics. Thank you againe, its nice to be home where people understand my world and dont judge.